New AD fanfic: Looking Up An Old FriendAmerican Dad
Looking Up An Old Friend
by Trenton Sands.
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's Disguise: 70's Disco Skater.
One Thursday night at the Smith House, Stan announces that it's war movie night.
Stan: Guess what, family? It's war movie night at the Smith house!
Roger: Yeah, we're going to watch The Wackiest Ship in the Army.
Klaus: Ja! And next week, we're watching Sink the Bismarck! I love that scene, 'Shoot! Shoot! Fire!'
One by one Stan's family abandons him and walks out the front door.
Francine: I'm going to play MahJongg, with my parents.
Steve: I'm spending the weekend at Snot's!
Stan: Okay, sport! But don't stay at Barry's! I don't like him!
Hayley: War movies are symbolic of genocide and facism! Goodbye!
Stan: Looks like it's just us three. (sighs) There's only one person who's ever understood my love of war movies.......
Roger: You mean your old friend, Brett?
Stan: Yes, sometimes I wonder whatever happened to him.....
Klaus: Why don't you try to look him up on Facebook or something?
Stan: You're right! When I'm at work tomorrow, I'll look him up! Thanks guys! I'll never have to watch war movies with an alien and goldfish ever again!
Roger (taunting): Just us three! you, Klaus and me!
Stan: Shut the beep up! I hate when you do that!
Stan, Roger, and Klaus watch the movie.
The next day at the CIA, Stan looks up his old friend, Brett when no one is looking.
Stan (typing): Brett......his last name.....
Stan sees Brett on Facebook and finds something very disturbing.
Stan: No! It can't be! It can't be!
That night, Stan announces he found his friend Brett to his family at the dinner table. Everyone is there expect Steve who is still over at Snot's.
Francine: Did you ever find your friend?
Stan: I sure did! And you'll never believe the beep I found!
Roger: He's gay?
Klaus: He's in the......
Hayley: Don't say it, Klaus! Don't say it!
Francine: What did you find out about him?
Stan: I found him on Facebook.
Roger: Is he still a Satanist?
Stan: Let me finish! He's still a Satanist all right! He's now a minister for the Church of Satan. And you'll never believe where it is!
Hayley: New York? Philadelphia? Denver?
Roger: I know, it's in Iowa, right? That's where that band Slipknot is from!
Stan: Not even close! It's in the biggest minority capital of the country. Full of gays, homeless, a China town, a Transamerica building......
Klaus: I know! Naples, Italy?
Hayley: He meant the United States, Klaus. Where is this place, Dad?
Stan (sobs out loud): San Francisco! What kind of self-respecting conservative man would live in a place where Nancy Pelosi is from?
Francine: Why don't we pay your friend a visit?
Stan: Great idea, Francine! Pack your bags! The Smiths are going to San Francisco!
Roger: Maybe you can convince him to come back.
Stan: That's exactly what I intend to do.
Hayley: San Francisco! Wow! I've always wanted to see it! Summer of Love was there! Can I bring Jeff?
Stan: I don't give a rat's-ass what you do.
The Smith family are getting ready for their trip to San Francisco.
I'll write some more tomorrow when I have time.
Scenes 4-6Scene 4:
Stan takes the CIA jet and flies to San Francisco. Once they arrive, they settle into a cheap motel. Then they try to look for Brett. Roger and Klaus come along and Jeff and Hayley leave.
Jeff: We won't be joining you, Mr. S!
Hayley: That's right! We're doing volunteer work for homeless people!
Stan: Get out of my sight!
Francine (points): There it is! Church of Satan!
Stan: You act like you've been there before!
Francine (sheepishly): I might've had some connections there when I was a groupie.
Francine sees Roger is dressed like Freddy Krugar.
Francine: Roger! That costume is inopropriate!
Roger: We're going to a house of evil, Frannie! Might as well look the part!
They all enter the Church of Satan.
Stan (calling): Brett? Brett? Hello?
Brett: Right here. Just got done doing a goat sacrifice!
Stan: Brett, old buddy! How are you doing?
Roger: Old buddy? Why don't you say, What up, dawg?
Stan: Shut up! So, Brett. What are you doing in San Francisco?
Brett: This is the only place I feel accepted for my Satanism. When I left Langley Falls, I moved to New Orleans. When I started practicing black arts I got banned there by Katrina victims.
Stan: Interesting, please do go on...
Brett: Then I tried Haiti. Everything was fine there until that earthquake hit. Then I left, went on the internet and I found this place.
Stan: Oh, I get it. But why here? Isn't there a Church of Satan somewhere else? You're a conservative. You should hate it here!
Francine: Even Bill O'Reilly hates it here.
Brett: As I said before, this is the only place I can find. As I recall, I became a Satanist when you tried to get me to convert.....
Stan: That's in the past now! Let bygones be bygones! Come on, I'm here. Sent to bring you home!
Brett: I don't want to go back to Langley. Oh, and I forgot to mention I also have a summer place.
Brett shows them a picture of Alestair Crowley's mansion.
Roger (to the screen): Hey, American Dad fans! A little rock trivia for you! Anyone know what famous rock star used to own Alestair Crowley's mansion? Go on the internet for the answer!
This time around, Brett tries to convert Stan!
Brett (holding a cup on blood): Maybe I should try to convert you! Kalee-Ma! Kalee-Ma!
Stan: Never! There's only one religion for me! The Lord!
Brett: Drink! Drink! Drink! I'll be your best friend again!
Brett tries to force Stan to drink the blood and Stan manages to free himself and run away!
Stan: Let's get the beep out of here!
Stan, Francine, Roger, and Klaus all run out of the church.
Klaus: Wow! That was so cool! I want to be part of that church!
Roger: I agree! It's more fun on the evil side!
Roger and Klaus run off.
Francine: Stan, you better be careful!
Stan: Why should I?
Francine: He could try to ruin your life the same way you tried to ruin his.
Stan: Nah, we'll just sever ties with each other.
Just then an old homeless man comes up to Stan.
Old Man: Change?
Stan: Stop mooching off people's hard earned money and get a job!
Old Man: This time, It'll cost you!
The Old Man beats up Stan and runs away.
Francine: See? I told you! It's already happening.
Stan: You're right, Francine. I was an ass to try to get him to convert. How about we go get some dinner?
Francine: Sounds romantic! But you better watch over your shoulder.
Meanwhile, somewhere outside of Coit Tower where Alkatraz can be seen, Roger is standing outside a car and is dressed as and imitating Dirty Harry.
Klaus: Hmmm. That's really smart. Someone left their keys in the ignition.
Roger: Zip it, Klaus. I'm trying to get into character! (whips out a toy pistol) This is a .45 Magnum Pistol! The most powerful handgun in the world. Guarenteed to blow your head, clean off!
Just then a bunch of Korean gangsters come up to them and point guns at Roger.
Gangster #1: You Cop?
Roger (getting in the car): No! I'm just pretending!
Gangster #2: You Cop! Get them!
Klaus: So much for Dirty Harry! What'll we do now, Roge?
The Korean Gangsters get into their van behind the car Roger and Klaus are in.
Roger (starts up the car): Time to reenact another San Francisco cop movie.....
Klaus: Which one?
Roger (screams): BULLITT!!!!!
Roger speeds away in the car with the Korean Gangsters chasing after them, and shooting at them.
In Chinatown, Stan and Francine are having dinner in a Chinese resturant.
Francine: What makes this Mandrian food so good?
Stan: Ancient Chinese Secret! (laughs)
A waiter comes up to their table.
Waiter: Yo, dude! Your credit card's been declined.
Stan: What, no! It can't be.
Waiter: It did, seriously, man!
Francine (hands her credit card): I'll pay.
Waiter: We're kicking you out, anyway.
Stan: Wait, please!
Stan and Francine got literally thrown out while a chef with a Butcher knife chases them both out yelling obsenities.
Francine: I told you this would happen, Stan.
Stan: Yes, yes. He's out for revenge! You don't have to beep remind me.
Francine: Let's go back to our motel.
Stan (walking to their rented car): It's not much. We have to save because we're in a recession....
Francine (sees a bomb in their car): Stan! Look out!
Their car explodes and they both scream.
Francine: It seems to me that Brett is trying to get you so pissed off that you'll join him in the Church of Satan.
Stan: My hat was in that car!
Brett watches them from a distance with a sinister smile on his face.
Scenes 7-9Scene 7:
On top of the Transamerica Building, Roger uses his telepathy powers to track down the Korean gangsters.
Klaus: Did you find them?
Roger: Yes! They're in the Haight-Ashbury area in an abandoned foreclosed home.
Klaus: There's foreclosures here? I thought that only happened in Southwest Florida!
Roger: Also Georgia, Nevada, Arizona, and California! It's everywhere! You should watch FOX News more often!
Roger lassos a rope onto a flagpole and swings himself off the Transamerica Building.
Klaus: Where are you going?
Roger (calls out): You'll find out!!!
Moments later, Roger comes back dressed as a bishop.
Roger: Ha! Now, time to get my revenge on those Korean motherbeep!
Klaus: Have you completely lost your mind? Who are you supposed to be? Father Sarduci?
Roger: I'm The Bishop from Monty Python! Come on, McSushi! We're going to Haight-Ashbury!
Roger and Klaus drive to Haight-Ashbury to the abandoned house. Once there, Roger uses a hook on a rope and climbs up with Klaus in tow.
The Mission Impossible song plays while Roger is sneaking into the house. The Korean gangsters are playing strip poker.
Korean Gangster #1: (speaking Korean and laughing)
Korean Gangster #2: (speaking Korean and laughing)
Korean Gangster #3: You suck! You suck! You never get laid!
The laughter continues until Roger hits his bishop stick on their table. Which actually startled them
Korean Gangster #4: Who You?
Roger: I am The Bishop! You are all under arrest!
The Korean Gangsters shoot at Roger and Klaus. Roger manages to fight some off with his Bishop stick!
Klaus: Look out! Nein!
The Korean Gangsters then break Roger's bishop stick and shoot at them some more until Roger and Klaus run out of the house. Their car is shot up and they run onto a cable trolley.
Roger: Ever since we've been here, all we've done was run!
Klaus: You can say that again!
Roger: Ever since we've been here, all we've done was run!
Klaus: Shut up! I didn't mean it like that! sighs I hate Haight-Ashbury! Let's try to find Stan and Francine.
The Korean Gangsters chase the cable trolley in their van.
Stan and Francine were outside their motel.
Stan: We're going home. This trip has been a disaster. As I said before, this city is every conservative man's worst nightmare!
Francine: So much for bringing Brett home and reconnecting with him.
Stan: Is it me, or is anyone who goes to the Church of Satan cursed?
Francine: It's true! First it was Jayne Mansfield......
Stan: Yeah, and Roman Polanski! We all know what happened to him!
Brett: And now you!
Stan and Francine scream.
Brett: I am never going back to that hell town Langley Falls, ever again!
Stan: Hell Town?! That was a cancelled Robert Blake show!
Francine: Stan missed you! He wanted to bring you home and get you back to normal!
Brett: Not going to happen! I'm here to stay with the Church of Satan! You're going to convert whether you like it or not!
Stan calls out a Taxi and orders the driver out.
Stan: CIA! Need to commander your vehicle!
Stan and Francine get into the Taxi. Soon Roger and Klaus jump from the cable trolley and into the Taxi.
Roger: We're being chased!
Klaus: By crazed Koreans!
Roger: We were playing Dirty Harry and then these Koreans mistaken us for real cops!
Klaus: They've been after us ever since!
Just then, Brett runs into his car that has a goat skull on it.
Brett: If it's a chase they want, a chase they'll get! (laughs evilly)
Stan drives the Taxi in high speeds with Brett and the Koreans chasing them down the street.
Stay tuned for the shocking conclusion tommorow! Same Roger time, same Roger channel!
The conclusion!Scene 10 Conclusion:
A huge car chase ensues as Stan was speeding in the taxi with Francine, Roger, and Klaus. They're all being chased by Brett and the Korean Gangsters.
Song: Queens of the Stone Age 3's and 7's plays.
Francine: They're gaining on us!
Stan (driving): Don't worry Francine! I'm highly trained to handle these situations!
Francine: Everyone down!
Roger looks in a glove compartment and find tire spikes.
Roger: I'll take care of this!
Stan: Get Brett!
Roger takes the tire spikes out of the glove compartment and sticks his head out the window.
Roger: Yo, Koreans! What religion are you?
Klaus: Ooooh! He's doing the Steel Helmet method!
Korean Gangster #2: We are Buddhist!
Korean Gangster #4: We kick your Catholic Bishop ass!
Roger (throwing the tire spikes): BUDDHA BLESS YOU!!!!
The Korean Gangster's van run over the tire spikes and their tires break causing them to spin out and crash into the San Francisco Bay.
Korean Gangster #3: This is no place for a convertible!!!!!!
Stan: Roger! You were supposed to get Brett.
Roger: I wanted to solve my problem, first.
Stan: Selfish son of the bitch! Get Brett now! Before I get all Jack Bauer and Vic Mackey on you!
Roger lassos a rope around a cross on a church and breaks it off!
Roger (carries the cross and is about to throw it): I'm about to make him Holy!
Brett is still chasing Stan in his car. Then Roger throws the cross at Brett's car.
Roger: The power of Christ compels you! Yeah! Bulls-Eye! Exorcised his ass!
Francine: You have the magic touch today.
The chase stops at the Golden Gate bridge. Brett gets out of his car and climbs the bridge. Police arrive on the scene. Jeff and Hayley see the commotion at the homeless shelter.
Jeff: Hey, Hayley babe! Isn't that your Dad?
Hayley: No! We're not getting involved. These people need us more than he does.
Stan, Roger, Francine, and Klaus get out of the taxi.
Stan: Officers, I have this under control! I'm CIA!
Francine (seeing Brett): Careful! He's armed and Satanic!
Stan: I'll never repent! You'll never turn me into a Satanist and make me work at that beep church. I wanted to reconnect with you so we can be friends again. And talk about cool conservative things like Pro-Life and war movies!
Brett: Come on, Stan. Convert. Satanism is fun! Don't you want to live here and work for the Church of Satan?
Stan: Never! I will never betray the Lord! And I'm beginning not to like you anymore.....
Klaus: I'll join!
Roger (pulls out his toy pistol): I'll get him.
Brett: You get to do animal and human sacrifices. You get to spend summers in Alestair Crowley mansion! If you repent, it'll be just like when we were friends!
Roger: Okay, that's it! He's going down, now!
Roger shoots Brett, unbeknownst to Roger, the toy pistol was really a laser gun. Brett gets shot and he explodes.
Policeman: All right people! Go away now! Nothing to see here, show's over! Don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
Roger: Yeah, only sick people want to see a blown up body!
Brett's heart lands in Roger's hand and it's still pumping and Roger eats it.
Klaus: Holy beep Roger! What was in that gun? M2 Plastics from New Jersey? No, wait. That can't be right.
Jeff and Hayley arrive.
Stan: You know, I learned something today. It's one thing to have religious beliefs......
Francine: Just as long as you don't impose those beliefs on others.
Stan: If you do, you'll just drive people away. And what you hope happens always turns out the exact opposite.
Francine: Amen to that! I love a man who can learn a lesson!
Stan: Let's go home!
Francine: Our motel reservations aren't up until 2 days.
Stan: NNNNOOOO!!!!!! Get me out of this beep pathetic excuse of a city!
Hayley: Me and Jeff like it here so much.....
Jeff: We decided to stay here another two weeks!
Hayley: And I won an internship with Nancy Pelosi for doing volunteer work at the shelter!
Stan (shaking his hands in the air) NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Roger: You know, Bender from Futurama would be very proud of me.
Klaus: And why is that?
Roger: Because I killed my first human, today!
You're the zombies of your own apocalypse. [EDITED]
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