Not bad. The story itself is interesting, and the awkward English lends a but of authenticity to your character, but it really detracts from the dialog if the canon characters. that and a few capitalization errors are the only complaints I can come up with. As I said, the concept is interesting, but you could really stand to benefit from a better grasp of the English language. Perhaps writing this fic will help you with that.
Author's response
gosh! first review and very helpful! you really know what you are talking about. sorry for the english but it happens that i am mexican too. Lani comes from a piece of me, we are a lil alike. And well i'm not an expert on Elglish but i do my best. But as you said, this story will help me to get my english to the next level. Thanks for saying it is interesting! that was the idea...and believe me it gets better!
thnaks for the review! and hope to get more from you!
alos!