Review for A Twisted Timeline
(#) Geovanni_Luciano 2007-10-28 06:46:23 PM
It's kind of like raping a seven year old. It's just something that you shouldn't do without immediate reprecussions. If you are allowing it, 1) your Dumbledore is truly dark or in advanced stages of Altzheimers and not DEMENTIA, and 2) you're making your Dumbledore a dupe in not questioning the acts of Severus 3) Dark!Dumbledore, which would make Harry more of a sympathizer than anything else. 4) Your Harry is already killing people anyhow and not thinking one way or the other about it so it's all ok anyhow.
The storyline and timeline needs work to make it believable. Too young for what is happening in real life. Too young for anything else of real substance to happen. Too young for the break from Azkaban but that happened anyhow.
Now, what are you going to do to fix this. I didn't think that your writing sucked but at the same point your time framing leaves a bit to be desired and to make it believable.
The worst thing about this story is the timing. It's not the writing. Had you picked a better timeframe for it to start you would have had a better believable more workable storyline to work with. I'd have suggested either the beginning of 4th year or the end of it. Go with a Dr. T model of it and worked with it. Now, at age six you have alot of relationships to build upon.
Now, with Mrs. Zabini taking that book from Nicholas, you have some catch up to play with before Blaise is no longer a love interest for Harry and at the same point if IT is still a love interest you have an ambiguous sexuality to deal with in either coming to terms with the sexual identity of a formal female at age six, where the character has already identified with being a female and Harry becoming GAY to help that interest, or you have a whole crew dealing with turning Blaise back to fulfill the interest. Also you have Harry admitting that there was a certain female problem from the future. Either way it's messed up.
I'd suggest a chapter transitioning through the next few years building the relationships but I doubt that will work. I do look forward to what you'll produce but I think it will be a hard road to sell.
Sora still hasn't found what he's looking for. KH2.
In: Kingdom Hearts
- Authors: 634412
- Stories: 40456
- by rkvtpgtcxbku (PG)
A Fanfic on Naruto’s Kakashi and My character Akira. There may also be some SasuNaru and other pai...
Brendon/O.C. Brendon and Amy cross paths out of sheer luck, will Amy fall hard for the panic! singer...
In: Ai Yori Aoshi
In: Angel Sanctuary