Review for One Man Army

One Man Army

(#) Vanir 2008-04-20 12:02:13 PM

Ooh, i liked this. I'll get to that part later, but let's start with the hint-line. Numbers are flow-stoppers in a text and are to be avoided. Just read it and you'll see that three doesn't break the flow, but 3 provides a little stutter in the reading. As you use numbers for names, that's something else as we see names differently. Still, they're hard to keep apart. Yodaspeak is hard, and needs a lot of commas. That's it from the flame department.
On the naming of the clones, it's done by Harry, right? What kind of names would he know, considering? Boadicea, the witch queen. Aurora, Minerva, Guinevere, you have the Arthurian cycle as well as Shakespeare at your disposal. Asimov made a culture that had long names, but only used one syllable for daily use. Just a thought.
On the Jedi intervention, please do remember that Jedi are diplomatically trained, intelligent and intuitive. They will not barge in all Fumbledorian on him.

Hmm. Would Harry know any Spanish names? Bringing Corazon to Coruscant would be fun. Heart to heart, kind of thing? This is based on me mishearing the planet's name in the first movie.
Thanks, and keep it up. Good length, too.

Vanir

Author's response

Sorry, I don't know any Spanish. Thanks for the adivce! I'll consider the names, I usually cut up latin words to create some names. Just look at most of the enemy names. The Jedi send will probably be somewhat cool yet impulsive. Remember not all jedis are calm and collected, I know some arrogant pricks in the order. It'll probably be just as long, but depends on the week I'm in.

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