Review for Solar Eclipse

Solar Eclipse

(#) zevie 2008-06-09 05:06:44 PM

I really like this take on Evie and Steve. I love the line about them both being too stubborn to say sorry, and that bringing on the fights. I also loved the reasons you gave for Evie being attracted to Steve, the excitement of the fights and his bad temper.

I think you did a fantastic job with the complex feelings Steve has about his dad, wishing it were better as well as wishing it were worse. That's something that strikes me as incredibly believable, and that guilt and desire for something worse is not a feeling that gets explored often in fic. I think it's perfect for Steve, kudos.

I love that you have Evie and Steve being in the same class since kindergarten. I especially loved the detail about them being seated alphabetically together.

Couple few small things:

1. "Over time she had began fell for him, and then in junior year they had started dating."

Small wording mistake: I think you mean, "Over time she had begun to fall for him ..." ?

2. “Don’t tell no one what I said,” Evie laughed.

Also, there should be a period after said, and "Evie laughed" should be on the next line, as Steve is the one talking here.

3. “I know,” he said after a long paus.

"Pause" should have an "e" on the end.

I also have a small style suggestion:

You often use very long phrases. I don't know if you find them difficult to navigate in your writing, but I've found that the writing comes more smoothly when you use shorter sentences more often. Longer sentences tend to sound more summarizing as well, and shorter sentences sound more active, I think.

For example:

"She looked at the photo slotted in her mirror of the two of them at the homecoming dance last year and picked it up, sighed and placed it delicately on her desk, face down. "

You could split that sentence in two, and it would work just as well.

Long phrases used to get in the way of my writing lol, and I found it easier once I got over my fear of too many short sentences. However, this is strictly a personal preference, and what you've been doing so far has worked nicely. I just thought I'd throw that out there in case you experienced the same troubles I did when writing.

Log in!




Register Lost password

Filter

You won't see stories with a lower score when you browse or search. Log in to adjust filter.
0

 

Featured Story

Site Stats

  • Authors: 638956
  • Stories: 40448

Recent Stories