(#) underabridge 2011-01-07 01:55:51 AM
Please take the time to read through these corrections /and actually fix your story with these/. Thanks.
My mind went blank as I sat in the car[,] staring blindly out of the window. My long black hair rolled over my shoulders and cascaded down my back. My sharp green eyes seemed to be glassy and empty. My pale skin glinted under the light of the searing sun. I was on my way to the boarding school that would change everything.
I saw the black gates looming just a head [comma removed] behind the sharp killer pointed fence lay a giant black foreboding mansion. Could this place get anymore cliché? Everything here was quiet[.] [E]veryone was in class[,] learning the subject that I would soon be joining them in.
As the car came to a halt I walked out and angrily pulled at the ridiculously short skirt that was required as the school uniform. With a last sigh of defeat[,] I left the plaid skirt be.
Trudging[-trudging does not involve moving the head. change it to something else] [my] head [and] glaring at everything in my way, I really did not want to be here. I approached the large oak door (one [more] cliché) and opened it and headed in[,] ignoring the angry looks I was receiving from the other people in this meeting. I walked straight to the man at the front and looked him dead in the eye.
“Well I am here” I said in a monotonous voice[,] my face blank[,] though on the inside I was mentally strangling this man.
“Cassandra I am busy” he growled out[.] I just stared at him blankly.
“Well if you give me my schedule and dorm number I will be out of the way then[,] wouldn’t I,” I stated matter of factly. I hid my smirk['ed' removed] behind my long fringe as I saw him sigh in [utter removed] annoyance and shoot another glare my way.
“Fine[.] [H]ere it is[.] [N]ow go away,” he hissed at me. I grinned evilly.
“Why thankyou Mr Nerimak” I said and left with a small wave. Outside of the office I paused to have a look at my first class. Archery. Well this should be interesting.
I arrived at the backfield[,] ignored all of the other students[.] [I] walked to the front[,] stopp[ing] in front of the teacher [and] disrupting the entire class. The teacher looked at me with an exasperated look.
“I have heard of you[,]” she sighed before continuing. “[p]ick up a bow and arrow and get in line[,] Miss Cornwell.”
I nodded[.] [I] went and picked up my bow and arrow and got into line behind a young boy with brown hair[,] in a rugged close[-]to[-]his[-]face style. I[t] reach[ed] just to his chin he had gorgeous[,] entrancing brown eyes and delicate pale skin. He stood at about 5[.]8[,] two inches taller than me[.] I stand at 5[.]6. I watched as he turned to me [and] grinned childishly, and I will even admit cutely.
“Hi[,] I am Brendon Urie” he said[,] grinning[.] [He] gripp[ed] my hand from [its] lazy placement dangling at my side. Blinking in slight shock from the abrupt introduction[,] I gripped his hand slightly in return.
“Cassandra Cornwell[,]” I replied[,] studying the boy before me. He seemed to find my response encouraging and grinned at me.
“You['re] new[,] right[?] [W]ould you like me to show you to your classes and around the campus[?]” he gushed[,] grinning.
“Alright[,]” I replied[,] then watched as it was his turn at the bullseye[.] [I] watched as he became serious for a split second[,] long enough to take aim and fire his arrow[.] I watched as it spiralled through the air and dug itself into the red dot in the centre of the bullseye. I stood[,] slightly stunned[,] then watched as he reverted back into his hyperactive self and seemed to almost dance back to the end of the line.
I blinked in confusion before stepping forward and taking aim. I closed my eyes and[,] in my mind[,] I pictured what I wanted it to hit[.] [T]hen opened my eyes, which were now a startling purple. Releasing the arrow[,] I watched it spiral[,] then saw through the bullseye leaving behind ['it' removed] a small hole[,] almost like a peephole. I turned around to see all of the other students staring at me with a mixture of fear and shock. I walked past them silently and then returned to the back of the line where th[at] Brendon kid stood. He grinned at me as I came by him before clapping me on the back.
“Well done[!] [T]hat was really impressive[!"] he said[,] grinning. I just nodded [as] reply and looked over into the distance[,] focusing in on my surroundings. I looked and saw that further down the way in the grass area people were sparring with real[,] glinting silver swords. I studied the movements of the people to see what competition I faced. It wasn’t that much in all honesty. I sighed before returning my focus to the school itself. It was an old rustic mansion[,] with large entangled vines coating the sides. It looked like the typical house in a really bad horror movie that lacked all originality. [this last sentence is unnecessary]
My attention was brought back to the place in front of me when I noticed a pale hand waving in front of my face[.] I looked up to see Brendon grinning down at me.
“The bell rung while you were zoned out[,]” he said chuckling slightly to himself. “What class do you have next?”
“Torture[,]” I stated simply. I noticed his grin widening and I couldn't help but inwardly sigh[.] [T]his could mean only one thing.
“That’s my next class[,] too,” he stated excitedly[,] before clasping my hand in his and literally tugging me down the hall to the next class. Once we arrived at the next class I took my arm out of his grasp and rubbed the red spot[,] tenderly. I looked around and noticed the pale-faced figures chained to the walls. I grinned maliciously at the bodies. Moving forward I took my seat next to my favourite body. Brendon followed soon after. I guess I had a new friend w[h]ether I liked it or not.
I looked to the front of the class and waited eagerly for the lesson to begin.
The teacher was taking [an removed] agess to arrive and [I] tapped my fingers against the de[sk] in annoyance[.] I wanted to get to work and figure out which was the best way to make my body scream. [- should add something to verify that it isn't her that will be screaming. 'My body' implies she will be screaming. Not the victim on the wall.]
At that moment the door opened and a dark man with long black hair walked in[.] [H]e grinned evilly at the class and simply said.
“Alright[,] class[.] [N]ow[,] pick your vampire.”
I apologise if this seems rude to you. Good grammar and correct spelling can make a story seem better. Your writing style is quite interesting and so is your portrayal of the lead character. Pacing could do with some work but that's really it as far as style goes. It's just a shame it got ruined by your hideous spelling and grammar.
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