Review for It Was Just a Dream

It Was Just a Dream

(#) longreachjones 2011-03-03 08:45:17 PM

As a simple example as to what I was meaning in my previous review, I present you this:

SNIP
"I never did a thing to you and you took them away! Why?"

"No, please, I never meant to hurt her, I just wanted her to love me!"

"Liar, Murderer, Murderer, MURDERER!"

With that, Snape jolted awake, and rolled over, sobbing into his pillow.

The nightmares had started the night after he had seen James Potter's son. And Lily's. He had to remind himself the boy was Lily's son too. It wasn't too hard. Lily Potter's eyes staring out at him from James' face. Severus had been determined to give the boy a fair shot but his resolve dissipated after he saw the boy enter the Great Hall that day, four years ago. From afar he could see that the boy was a miniature of James on their first day of Hogwarts and he had been willing to overlook this. That was until the boy had turned and met his eyes during the feast.
SNIP

As you would know, these are the ending sentences of chapter 1, followed by the starting sentences of chapter 2. If you were looking at this having never read your story before, could you see justification there for a chapter break? I could barely even see justification for a scene break.

It is not so much the chapter size that disturbs me, I have comfortably read other stories where the chapters were roughly the same size, but with the justification of each chapter dealing with a different character / group of characters. It is the, to my eye at least, gratuitous separations into chapters where much fewer are needed which disturb the flow of the story, thus lessening the enjoyment of your readers.

Note that I have also since copy-pasted the whole story into a single document so I could read it all at once. I found to it to be a nice, cliche laden, divergence but still at least a nice little story.

Also... Dudley took the train?! o.0

Author's response

Actually yes, I can. "rolled over, sobbing into his pillow ends a dramatic or at least emotion-filled scene, while the other does have emotions but is just background/thoughts. I'm not saying it's necessarily wrong of you to want longer chapters but it is just a preference.
Anyway, I'm glad you liked it!

And yes, Dudley took a train.

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