(#) paradoxicalcynic 2011-04-21 05:31:17 AM
Might want to use a little less description. Found that sometimes there seemed to be too much - maybe it's just me :P Remember less is always more :)
However, the majority of the story was pretty darn awesome!! You made use of characterisation, contrasting short and long sentences and description really well!!
Look forward to the next chapter :D
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