I think this could good, but you MUST use capitalization. I found it hard to read because you didn't capitalize things that should have been. Also you need spaces between paragraphs every now and then.
I'm not trying to be mean, just offering some advice or criticism as some would say. Paying attention in my writing class (not that I'm saying you don't, let me finish) really helped my writing get a lot better.
Also, read a lot. Not to plagiarize but to see different writing styles. Try writting little things, not worrying about spelling or grammar or plot. Just write, find your writing style. If you like what you came up with, go back and edit it, fix your mistakes and do whatever you will with the little piece of magic you created.
Sorry again if this came across as mean, just trying to help. Sorry I'm being such a teacher.