Actually, I think you did quite well with it. The Naruto-voice might be a little off, but it's not OOC. The writing is good, and you end on a poignant note, which is awesome and something a lot of writers forget to do and then let the story fade out weakly.
I think you should be proud of it. Good job. ^_^
Author's response
really? Thank you! (coming from an author i really look up to this is SUCH a boost to my microscopic ego. I think that you might be able to actually SEE it now --if you sit upside-down, squint, and look through an aquarium(sp?)...) ^_^''''
Really? His voice is off? Shoot. Well, can you pinpoint what it is that's off about it? If you can, that would be super helpful. Thanks for alerting me to that ^^