Review for Kasumi's Final Move
(#) Ron Hino 2007-03-31 11:01:49 PM
Footnotes are ONLY for extraneous information; background stuff that isn't even part of the story. Examples: translations of foreign words, definitions of obscure science/medical terms, references, acknowledgments of other sources of what you wrote. They are like the credits at the end of the movie!
Jokes, backstory, observations and character exposition are a PART of the story and need to stay IN it!
Your fic reads like a comedy festival where all the punchlines are left out and then listed in order of appearance at the end of the show.
As I said, I abandoned the enormous hassle that is the reading of your story by about the 7th or 8th footnote, but I'm willing to assume that, like the first 7 or so, almost every of those footnotes could successfully be cut&pasted right back into the story between the brackets they came from, and make for a much improved read.
In fact, do just that. Next time I'm here, if I notice the story has been updated, I think I might want to read it to the end. The basic concept was interesting, at least.
You have a legitimate issue with the footnotes.
This was my first published story and the footnotes (and the footnote within a footnote) were a deliberate tribute to Terry Pratchett's writing style. I've had a mixed response among the reviews I've received on FFN.
While most have been positive, Ozzallos had the same complaint as yours. His PM with the suggestion of imbedding a hyperlink to the footnote was rendered moot when FFN disallowed all hyperlinks within posted stories.
The original text, BTW, always did include hyperlinks. This was posted here with the links. Apparently FicWad also disallows hyperlinks.
As for reformatting the story... That was the format in the original draft. It was rather clunky and broke-up the flow of the story. The footnotes were the alternative. I felt that the story stood well on its own without having to read the footnotes. Reading the footnotes as interjections turns a droll story into a funnier one.
In the absence of hyperlinks, I feel that the story is short enough to scroll up and down without too much trouble. I'm sorry if you disagree. I'll most likely keep the story as is. As I said, it was the first story I ever posted and I have a sentimental attachment to it.
-AdR (aka - B.o.P.)
I thought this made a pretty good eulogy.
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