Review for you can keep my brother

you can keep my brother

(#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-30 11:07:59 AM

This chapter was just kinda blah. I dont mean to always be so overly critcial but you asked for opinionss. I like what happens in the chapter and it was very well written. I really mean that. The plot is going very well too. I just think the end needed something more... You keep saying how her mom keeps making her feel like shit. Why? what does she say exactly? that shes not good enough? that shes stupid? what?!? Try to reveal whats causing her to feel like things are so bad. That would give it a little more depth than just a few lines of the "why does it have to me" variety. Also try to look towards your next chapter as you write. What is she gonna do now that her mom said no. Go anyway and sneak out? (that wouldve spiced up the end) or maybe she wont and shes sooo upset because when she tells Gerard that she isnt allowed to go he'll realize hes just wasting his time with her that shes just a little girl. Even that wouldve given it more emotional depth at the end. Yeah..thats what Im going with/ you were missing emotional depth at the end. Its easy to write 'Im so sad' and what not but harder to write why. Try to reveal more of her thoughts and fears. But dont just write vague things like I want to die, why am I so miserable but something more specific about her -like shes miserable cause she thinks that she'll lose Gerard or she wants to die cause no matter what she does its not good enough for her mom. That her mom is being so closed minded judging her friends. How dare her mom judge her friends. Its not like her mom gives a damn about her happiness or she wouldnt always put her down. Things like that, that are specific to the charac. Update soon- I want to see what happens.----xoxo

Author's response

god i love you!!
that's exactly what's missing, the emotional stuff!
i knew something isn't there but just couldn't put my finger on it, so i wasn't so pleased with it.
i'm going to rewrite it over the weekend and post it along with the next chapter.
thank you so very much!

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