this is what happens when dirty's in charge
Anyways, here are the long needed thank yous:
lil_chica - iawtc. boardie drama is really entertaining.
glindapsawyer - welcome to the dark side. erm. i mean team pete.
x_slowdown - yep, but now that he's mr. ashlee simpson, i think he's lost some of his appeal to teenies.
pyrotechnist - you can do a lot of things with a life-size zac efrom cut out. a lot of dirty things.
--delilah - aww, thanks. i hope you're still reading this story.
kittkattbar - yep. he's a husband and a daddy to be. i personally think it's cute.
xStabxMyxBackx - hehe. glad you liked this chapter.
Now onto the story...
35: d e a f , b l i n d & b a t t e r e d
“Wait, is this thing on?” I asked.
“Yeah. See the little green light on the side?” Joe said, pointing the camera at me.
“Alright, so here I am on the tour bus. There’s no show today, so as usual, Pete and Soap decided to sleep in. I just got this bb gun yesterday, and this seems like the perfect time to test it out.”
I pulled back the curtain on their bunk and just as expected, both of them were sound asleep.
“Cute, isn’t it?” I asked as Sophie spooned Pete.
Knowing that Hemmy would wake them up any second, I quickly opened fire on the sleeping figures.
“OWW!” Pete yelped. “What the fuck?!”
Soap, on the other hand, responded with a more hands on approach. After retreating under the covers, she charged into my stomach, knocking me to the ground. Before I knew it, she was sitting on my back, twisting my arm.
I heard Joe laughing as he got this all on camera.
She twisted my arm further behind my back.
“Fuck! Okay, okay! UNCLE!”
She laughed and let me up.
“Damn, Soph, you’re a fucking beast,” I said, nursing my arm. “No wonder Pete’s your bitch.”
“What?” Pete asked.
“Everyone knows that she wears the pants in the relationship,” Andy said.
“Since you got together.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Soap, have you sent him out get tampons for you?” Andy asked.
“What does that have to do with anything?” I interjected.
“Well, yeah,” she responded.
He shot Pete one of those ‘see-what-I-mean?’ looks.
“What?! Sophie’s fucking insane when she’s on the rag.”
“See, I never had to do that. When we were together, she was getting vegan burritos for me.”
“He has a point, Pete,” Soap said, chuckling.
He crossed his arms and pouted while Sophie wrapped him in a hug.
“I am not your bitch…” he mumbled.
“So, Trick, could you explain to us what’s going on?” Andy asked, pointing the camera at me.
“Well earlier on the bus, Pete and Sophie had a disagreement about who wears the pants in their relationship. Dirty came up with a bunch of tests to see which one has more balls. Now he’s going around collecting bets.”
“What’s this for, Dirty?” Gabe asked, referring to Andy as he panned the camera at him.
“I set up a bunch of tests for Soap and Pete to see who is who’s bitch. Joe, Dirty and Hurley each put in $20 on Sophie winning. Do you want in?”
“You serious?” he asked, laughing.
“Aww, dude, put me down for $300 on Soap.”
“Yeah, Pete’s my boy, but Sophie’s nobody’s bitch.”
“Okay, what about the rest of you guys?”
“Iono, man…” Ryland said. “Pete’s a bitch sometimes, but I don’t think he’s Sophie’s bitch… I’ll put $60 on Pete.”
“I’ll put another $40 on him,” Nate said.
“Please, Sophie has Wentz whipped,” Alex added. “$40 on Soap.”
“Same,” Vicky said.
We made our way to the Panic bus and collected more bets. Ryan, Jon and Spencer each put $50 on Pete while Brendon put $75 on Soap.
In total, there was $515 in Soap’s favor and $250 in Pete’s.
“Test one,” Dirty said, unwrapping a package of ninjas. “Me and merch boy Aaron are going to throw fireworks at Pete and Soap. Whoever moves first loses.”
“Are you sure that’s safe?” I asked.
“Of course not.”
“You’re going down, sugar,” Pete taunted.
“I don’t think so, darling,” Sophie responded.
After walking a safe distance away from the competing lovebirds, they each lit a pack of ninjas.
Within seconds, loud popping noises and various small explosives filled the air. As expected, Pete ran once the fireworks hit his Chucks. Sophie, on the other hand, bit her lip and stood her ground as the ninjas popped at her feet and bottle rockets zoomed past her face.
“Pete, you idiot! I have money on this!” Nate yelled.
“Those were fireworks. They could have blown my toes off!”
“Sophie, you won!” Joe yelled, but she continued to stand there. Concerned, he walked over and waved his hands in front of her face. “Are you okay?”
“What?! I can’t hear you!” she yelled.
“Oh shit, that’s not good,” I commented.
“Please. It wasn’t even that loud. I bet you she’s just pretending,” Dirty said, walking over to them.
“Sophie’s a slutty cunt,” he said, looking her in the eye. She took a swing at him, but he ducked just in time.
“See, Trick? I told you she was faking.”
“I’m not faking. I can read lips, you dipshit,” she said, slapping him.
“You’re a moron, Dirty,” I chuckled, pointing the camera at him.
“Shut up, Stump.”
Fifteen minutes later, Sophie gave us the thumbs up, indicating that her hearing was intact, and Dirty continued with his experiment.
“Now for round two,” he said. “If either of you have contacts on, you might wanna take them out.”
“Nah, I’m good,” Pete said.
“Alright, suit yourselves. Each of you is going to sit an equal distance from that bucket of water. On the count of three, me and Aaron are gonna start spraying your faces with pepper spray. Whoever gets to the bucket first loses.”
They nodded and the rest of us stood in anticipation as Pete and Soap took seats.
“C’mon, Soap! 2 for 2!” Suarez yelled.
“Wentz, you can take her. Pepper spray is nothing!” Spencer said.
“Remember, no retaliation,” Dirty said.
“Yeah, yeah, let’s just get this over with, Pete said.
“There are probably laws against these kinds of experiments,” Vicky said.
“Pete and Sophie have never been the law-abiding type,” Joe said.
Expletives instantly filled the air as Dirty and Aaron administered the test.
Pete took off first, but in his temporarily blinded state, couldn’t find the bucket. Soap unsteadily made her way toward it and emptied its contents over her face.
“JESUS CHRIST! WATER! I NEED MORE WATER!!!”
Though Pete won the round, he didn’t seem too enthusiastic. Instead, he was writhing on the ground, with his hands over his face.
“SHITTY FUCK! Someone get a hose or something!”
Andy got some water bottles over to Sophie while Gabe pointed a Super Soaker at Pete’s face.
“Okay, the scores are tied one to one. For the third and final test you’re going to act as paintball targets,” Dirty explained. “/But/ there’s a twist. Instead of going at the same time, I’m gonna administer this individually. While one takes the test, the other will wait on the bus and listen to some Family Force Five,” he explained. “You get a point for each hit you take. Once you’ve had enough, you’ll switch roles. Neither of you will know how many hits the other person has taken. This’ll test how much pain you can take, as well as how much you know each other.”
“Damn, Dirty,” Brendon commented. “You’ve really thought this one out.”
“What can I say? I get really creative when I get to inflict pain on others.”
“Who’s going first?” I asked.
“Since you won the last test, you get to choose.”
“Okay, I’ll go.”
“Soap, that means you get to chill for a little while.”
“Have fun, Pete,” she said, smiling.
“You know I will.”
Aaron escorted her to our bus while Dirty led me over to the side of Panic’s bus.
I put my hands against the metal and braced myself.
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
“Aww, man. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.”
“Shut up and shoot.”
“Whatever you say.”
Almost instantly, I regretted my words. As the paintball made contact with my ass, I jumped and started screaming like a little girl. Dirty laughed.
“Is that all you’ve got Wentz?”
“Fuck…” I said, squatting on the ground. I got up and braced myself against the wall once again. I had Dirty let off 17 more shots before I called it off.
“Let’s see the damage,” Spencer said as Dirty put the gun down. I pulled up my shirt to reveal 14 welts on my back.
They broke out into laughter. I’m guessing it looked pretty bad.
“Holy crap,” Joe said, poking a newly formed bruise.
“Dude, he got your ass 8 times,” Nate said.
“Fuck, I don’t know if Soap can top that,” Alex said.
Dirty got Aaron on the phone and signaled for the switch.
As ‘X-Girlphriend’ continued playing, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
“Pete’s done. You’re up, Soph.”
I got off the couch and took off the headphones. Walking off the bus, we passed Pete. He was limping as Ryan guided him over.
Dirty was smirking as we approached.
“Your boyfriend took a lot of shit. Now let’s see if you can handle it.”
“Good luck, Matsumoto,” Aaron said, patting my shoulder.
I stood in front of the metal siding and put my hands against it.
What the hell did I get myself into?
“Yeah. Start off with 5. Make them really fast.”
He quickly let off the rounds.
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” I yelled, jumping up and down.
“Dirty, stop!” I called out after I’d had enough. After the first 5, I had lost count of how many hits I’d taken.
Feeling broken, I let myself fall against the side of the bus and sink to the ground.
“Holy shit, Soap. Are you alright?” Gabe asked.
“Yeah,” I weakly said, trying off the throbbing pain in my back, ass and stomach.
“Don’t tell her who won. I want them both out here for the announcement,” Dirty said.
Within moments, Pete and Ryan came out of the bus and walked over.
“Pete, you were tougher than I thought. I dished out a grand total of 8 hits to your ass and 10 to your back before you called it quits. That gave you a total of 18,” Dirty announced. “Soap, on the other hand, took 10 hits to the back, 7 to the ass, 4 to the thighs and then turned around for another 3 to the stomach before asking me to stop, giving her a grand total of 24.”
I let out a sigh of relief and closed my eyes.
“Sophie, you’re one tough motherfucker.”
As I leaned against one of the tour bus tires, Sophie took a seat next to me.
“Go ahead and rub it in my face,” I said, half sighing, half smiling.
“I didn’t come over for that,” she said, taking my hand in hers. “I was wondering how you’re holding up.”
“You were shot with 24 paintballs. I should be the one making sure you’re alright.”
She softly laughed. “Like Dirty said, I’m one tough motherfucker.”
“Yeah, I guess you do wear the pants in our relationship.”
“Hey, I may have won Dirty’s twisted experiment, but I still think we share the relationship pants.” She chuckled. “I mean, we do share skinny jeans.”
Smiling, I took her hand in mine then pressed my lips against hers.
If this wasn’t love, I didn’t know what was.
Loud laughter caught my attention as we waited for Dirty to distribute the winnings. Turning my head toward the noise, I saw Pete and Sophie walking hand in hand while screaming Weezer lyrics at each other.
“In the garage!”
“I feel safe!”
“No one cares about my ways!”
“In the garage!”
“Where I belong!”
“NO ONE HEARS ME SING THIS SONG!”
“I will never understand those two,” Suarez commented, with a slight chuckle.
“I doubt that anyone ever will,” Ryan said.
“Yeah, but as far as couples go, Pete and Soap are totally boss,” I said. “He’s the cheese to her macaroni.”
“Wow, Trohman. That’s pretty deep,” Nate said.
“I got it from Juno.”
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