Who is going to save me from myself?
I trudged downstairs, wiping my eyes groggily, thinking over what I had to say to Gerard. I know he apologized last night, but I had to make sure that he would never do that again. It hurt me so much; I just couldn’t believe that Gerard would do that to himself. It had happened a couple years ago as well, right before we graduated from high school. But back then the whole gang had been around to help him out, now it was just me. I had to let Gerard know how much it meant to me that he quit. I had to stop the bleeding.
I stopped at the last stair and watched Gerard eating his breakfast. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt to hide what he had done yesterday, and his eyes looked tired. I knew he must have stayed up most of the night taking care of me. My fever hadn’t broken until two in the morning. I couldn’t help but notice how dainty Gerard’s hands were as he lifted a spoon full of cereal to his mouth. I loved that man so much; I just wish he loved himself. I gathered my thoughts and headed toward the table.
A smile broke out on Gerard’s face when he saw me up and around.
“Feeling better,” he grinned. I could only nod because I had stuffed an entire muffin into my mouth. I was starving. I swallowed loudly and took Gerard’s hand in mine.
“Baby, about last night.” I began. “I just want to let you know that I love you more then anything else, and that when you do that to yourself it hurts me, more then you know. I had nightmares of walking downstairs and finding you sprawled out on the table, bleeding at the wrists. It terrifies me, and I couldn’t live if you did that to yourself. I am just so scared that one day you’ll leave me here all alone to suffer without you.”
Gerard’s face grew somber and he turned to me slowly.
“Don’t you see Frank,” he sighed. “I did it because I was thinking of life without you. I can’t stand the thought that maybe, your tumor is my fault, that if only I had taken you to the doctor sooner that they could have cured you. One day I’m going to be the one left all alone, and I don’t know what to do. I know what I did was wrong, but when you aren’t there, some part of my mind takes over. It makes me want to do it, and only you keep it silent. That’s one of the many reasons why I love you. You take care of me, and you don’t even know it. But when you’re gone, who is going to save me from myself? I need you, I can’t survive without you.”
“Oh, Gerard.” I breathed. “I don’t know what to say. I know how you feel, in a way, but I can’t let this happen. You can’t die because I am. You are the most beautiful, amazing person in the world. I would hate to die, just to know that you were going to follow me. I need you to be strong Gerard, and I know that it won’t be easy. I need you to live on for me, and do all the things that you want to do. I want you to start that band that we always talked about, I want you to move away from Jersey and become a famous artist. I don’t want to rob the world of you. That would be the most selfish act that I could do. Think how much Mikey, Bob, and Ray would miss you. And who knows, I may stick around."
I smiled to myself as I remembered the fuddy doctor giving me my ultimatum.
"Even the doctor said I was in a miraculous state. According to him I should be blind and unable to move my left side, but so far so good. You can’t get rid of me that easily babe.”
Gerard smiled and pulled me into a tight hug.
“I never wanted to hurt you,” he exhaled into my hair. “As long as you are with me, I will always be okay.”
“And I always will be here,” I answered. “Death can’t stop me. I’ll haunt you if I turn into a ghost, or I could ask God if I can be your guardian angel if I go to heaven.”
“You better babe,” Gerard giggled. I snuggled against his shoulder, and everything felt okay again. Actually it was more then okay, this was my heaven. At this moment I couldn’t believe that any life after death could be better then this.
So many of my stories are so emo. I guess that's just how I write. Let me know what you think. PLEASE. I am dying to get a few reviews. They make writing so much easier and better. It's hard to keep writing when I feel like no one is reading. I need some love.