Maury: Everybody, this is Spencer.
The camera turns to reveal a tallish man, who is wiping his eyes from beneath his paisley headband.
Maury: Spencer is here today because he thinks that his husband, Bob, is cheating on him.
At this point, Spencer bursts into a fresh wave of tears. On a television screen behind him, a man -Bob, it appears- gives a thumbs down to the camera.
Maury: Not only does Spencer think that Bob is cheating, but he thinks that Bob could be cheating on him with his best friend. Now, Spencer, how long have you and Bob been together?
Spencer: We have been together for three years but got married last year. My best friend, Patrick, was my best man at the wedding.
Cries of outrage emit from the audience.
Maury: How long have you and Patrick been friends?
Spencer: We have been friends for the last ten years, Maury. We grew up together.
Maury: Aww, sweet. Then how did you and Bob meet?
Spencer: Well, Patrick and I were at this gig for this small band a few years ago and I noticed that the guy playing the drums was amazing. That was Bob, and we have been inseparable since, things have been great.
Maury: That is until recently, right?
Spencer blows his nose on a tissue: Yeah, that's it. Lately, he has been getting in from work later and later. And sometimes when he comes in, he has these blondie-red hairs on his clothes, the exact same colour of Patrick's hair. And Patrick has been acting strange as well, nowadays, when he rings the house phone, he asks to talk to Bob instead of me.
Crowd start making loud disapproving noises.
Maury: Have you spoken to them both about the phone calls?
Spencer is getting visible angrier now, getting redder by the second.
Spencer: I have Maury, I asked Bob about it and he says that I'm imagining things. He says that he can't explain the hairs on his clothes, and that it's none of my damn business how the hair got there. But, I may I remind you that the hairs are the same shade and length as Patrick's!! He says that he is working late at night so that he can afford to pay for the lifestyle that we are accustomed to, but I got my own money, I don't need his money!!
Crowd cheer and start shouting encouragement at Spencer.
Maury: What does Patrick say about all of this?
Spencer: Patrick seems to be saying the exact same things as Bob: that I'm imagining things; that the hair couldn't be his, but I know that they are both lying. And that is why I am here today, to prove that my husband and my best friend are having an affair with each other.
The crowd cheer louder.
Maury: Let's see what Spencer's husband Bob had to say about all this!
Cut to video clip
Bob is quite tall, with blond hair, blue eyes and a lip ring.
Bob (angrily): I am here today to prove to my husband, Spencer, that I am not having an affair with his best friend, Patrick. Spencer, you and I have been together for my years and those have been the best times of my life. Why would I spoilt all that and cheat on you? Patrick and I are just friends, I thought it would important for me to be friends with Patrick seeing as he is your best friend. Spencer, I love you too much to do that to you, this lie detector test will show you how much so. Please get all these stupid ideas out of your head before they do damage to our relationship.
End video clip
Maury: everybody, please welcome Bob!
Bob makes his way onto the stage, only to be met by jeers and boos. He flips off a few members of the audience before he makes his way down the stairs. Maury greets Bob at the bottom of the stairs and leads him over to Spencer, who is yet to look up at Bob.
The crowd eventually settles.
Maury: Bob, how long have you know Spencer?
Bob's face wrinkles in concentration
Bob: Erm, about five years now Maury, married for three.
Maury: Are you happy with Spencer?
Bob rolls his eyes heavily, which promotes another round of booing from the audience.
Maury: So, why do you think that Spencer has accused you of cheating? Why would he say you are cheating on him with his best friend?
Bob: I honestly don't know Maury. Patrick and I have always been close, I meet Spencer through Patrick. And I constantly thank Patrick for Spencer.
At this point, Spencer looks up to meet Bob's gaze and smiles weakly. Bob takes Spencer's hand and squeezes it.
Maury: Looks like we have a big, big mess on our hands tonight, what does Patrick have to say about all this?
The crowd cheers
Cut to 2nd video clip
A rather short man appears on the screen, wearing glasses and a trucker hat. The look he gives the camera is kind of pissed to some extent.
Patrick: My name is Patrick, and I am here to prove to my best friend Spencer, that I am not having an affair with his husband, Bob. Spencer, you and I have known each other for practically our whole lives, I would never do anything to endanger our friendship. If doing this lie detector test will squash the doubts you have about me and Bob, then I am willing to take it.
End video clip
Maury: Please welcome Patrick!
Patrick descends the steps to be met with polite applause from the audience. He crosses the stage and takes a seat on the side of Spencer. Spencer glances at Patrick, but lowers his head again before Patrick could say anything.
Maury: Patrick, you and Spencer are best friends right, and would never hurt each other intentionally?
Patrick: Totally, Maury. I've known this kid since I was like knee-high and we have been best friends ever since. He is like family to me.
Maury: And so, both you and Bob took this lie detector test to prove to Spencer that you guys are not having an affair with each other. Spencer, what will you do if your fears are confirmed by the lie detector test?
Spencer flinches and sniffs. He turns to face Maury.
Spencer: I really don't know what I will do Maury. If they both are doing me wrong, then I don't know what I will do. I don't know who I will be able to turn to. I have always relied on both of them to be there for me.
Maury: Will you be able to trust them ever again?
Spencer however, does not reply. He merely starts to tear up the piece of tissue that he has in his hand.
Maury: Well then, let's find out these results!
THE RESULTS ARE IN!
Maury walks to the front of the stage and takes a manila envelope from the camera man, Tom. He nods his thanks and turns back towards his chair, easing open the envelope as he goes. Maury collapses back into his chair, holding the results of the lie detector tests.
Maury: Bob, we asked you during the course of your relationship with Spencer, if you had ever cheated on him. You said "no", the lie detector determined that you were telling the truth.
The audience erupts and Maury's last sentence is only just about heard over their cheers. Spencer manages to look over at Bob and smile.
Maury: Bob, we asked you and Patrick, if you had ever engaged in sexual relations with each other. You both said "no", the lie detector told us that you were telling the truth.
If possible, the applause is even louder than last time. Spencer finally manages to fling his arms around Bob and Patrick and presses a kiss to each of their foreheads in turn. Maury sticks his index finger into the air, indicating to the crowd that there is one more truth to reveal. The audience quickly quieten.
Maury: Last One! Bob and Patrick! You were both asked if you had any feelings stronger than friendship for each other. You both ADMITTED that you had strong feelings for each other, as well as for Spencer!!!
The studio explodes with shocked gasps and Spencer's eyes go wide. Bob and Patrick are staring at each other, whilst Maury is chuckling silently behind them. Spencer looks at Patrick, then at Bob, then moves his gaze back to Patrick.
He realises that he still has his arms wrapped around their heads. Without moving his arm from around Bob's neck, Spencer leans forward and kisses Patrick on the lips.
Patrick is still pretty shocked from his secret being revealed on national television, but recovers quickly and starts to kiss Spencer back. He had put the dreams of this kiss at rest when Spencer married Bob, but now here Spencer (his best friend Spencer!!) kissing him, on national TV, in front of Spencer's husband!!
Patrick pulled away from Spencer and turned to look at Bob, expecting him to be angry. Instead, Bob was looking really happy. Patrick beamed and pulled Bob close to him and Spencer. They all wrapped their arms around each other and sighed in unison. Everything was going to be alright.
Patrick, Bob and Spencer are now living together as a threesome and are pretty much happier than ever. Spencer admits that he had been thinking of Patrick being more than a best friend for some time now, and was delighted that Patrick had felt the same way. Patrick admits that he did have feelings for Bob, but did not want to act on them in fear of ruining his friendship with Spencer. Bob just admits that he is pretty fucking happy with his husband and his boyfriend.
All of us at Maury wish them the very best in life, with good luck for the future.
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