May: All is forgiven, I hate the rain, little old ladies, I think he's touching my erection and where the hell is Frank anyway?
WARNINGS: Boy on boy, sexual activities, swearing, too much drinking, too much smoking, too much drug use. Oh and new warning ... don't read whilst drinking coffee, lol.
Reviewers: You know the drill. You're to good to me ... so I gave you this chapter, which was nothing like I planned it to be. In fact, it's NOTHING like I planned, but it is now my favourite. Hope you like it to. ... OH! And just realised it's REALLY long ... sorry, it rained here you see.
Chapter six: May - What's happening to me?/]
Monday, May 1st
[/84 kg (not eating, am still mopping around), 18 beers, 89 cigarettes, 0 joints (trying to keep a clear mind ... don't even know why).
Am still trying to come to terms with the mess that I currently find myself in. It's kind of like my bedroom back at home. It's a mess, it really is, but I'm helpless to do anything about it. Why? Well, because every time I make an effort to clean it up, somehow, it just gets messy again.
It makes sense, it really does. Everything is in shambles and I don't think there's any point trying to fix it as it's only going to keep on happening until I'm back in a rut again.
I'm over thinking this ... It's what happens when I have no one to talk to.
I think Mikey and I are officially over. I haven't heard from him and I certainly haven't seen him. Only problem, it's inevitable, I'm going to see him eventually, he's family! It's not just like some girl friend you break up with and then can just run away from or ignore. When I'm at home, I have to live with this guy!
Note to self: It's creepy when you compare the relationship you have with your brother to that which you would have with a girl friend. Must stop these comparisons.
Wednesday, May 3rd
86 kg (but that was at start of day, by end, I think I lost about 5), 0 beers (there was no time), 1000 cigarettes (there was plenty of time), no. of awkward and confusing date-like activities: 2.
Late night. College: My room. Had very strange day. Don't think I will ever be able to sleep as so many confusing thoughts are racing around my head at the moment, jumping around in there like 20 hyperactive kids, full of sugar in a tiny cardboard box.
I suppose a good place to begin would be when I finally decided to get out of bed. I didn't bother going to class today, the only thought on my mind was "I'm going to see my brother and sort all of this out once and for all!"
Naturally, I still didn't have my car keys ... Yes! I am that much of a fucking coward! And if Frank really wanted to give them back, he would have by now. Okay, I know that doesn't make any sense and it's just a shame it doesn't work that way, not one single bit!
I need those keys! Why can't he just come up and give them back to me? They're not his to keep after all. Can't he tell that I'm too nervous to go up to him after everything I did?
So, instead, I realised that if I wanted to see Mikey, I had to catch a bus. And I hate buses!
Of course, it was raining to. Just my luck, I had to walk 15 minutes up the road to the nearest bus stop in the pouring rain. I don't have an umbrella, I have a hood. Turns out they don't really do the same thing. The rain was so heavy it simply soaked right through my hood and saturated my hair anyway.
My perfect hair was ruined! It was all Frank's fault!
I sat at the stupid bus stop for an hour; this little old lady with a walking stick was just staring at me the whole time. Honestly, she didn't stop for the full hour!
"WHAT?" I finally shouted at her. I couldn't stand her bespectacled, beady eyed gaze any longer.
"You waiting for a bus sonny?"
For fuck's sake. I'd only been sitting there for an hour, what else would I be doing?
"Nice observation." She didn't seem to like my attitude at all.
"Yes it is, never hurts to be observant sonny. You should try it sometime, maybe then you would notice that sign covering the bus time table that says there will be no buses today. They're on strike."
Fuck, shit and ball sack!
"I've been sitting here for an hour, looking up and down the street clearly looking out for a bus and you wait until now to tell me that?"
I probably shouldn't have yelled at her, but how could I not? I was cold, wet and hungry and she was a bitch!
"I'm 80 years old sonny. Got to get my kicks from somewhere."
My mouth dropped as she chuckled to herself.
Touché little old lady. Touché!
"So what the hell are you waiting here for?"
"I originally came here to get shelter from the rain. But when I saw you, I had to stay to see the look on your face when you found out you'd just wasted an hour of your day."
"You can't be serious?"
"It was either that or I was going to go to Bingo, and I've had enough of that game!"
I just stared at her in shock. Weren't little old lady's supposed to be sweet? She laughed again and I got up and backed away from her. She was insane!
So then I made the long trek all the way back to college. Now so wet my clothes were sticking to me like a second skin, I made my way to the cafeteria deciding I would spend my money for the bus on food instead.
That was when I realised my wallet was missing.
I gained several looks as I swore loudly and ran back outside into the rain. By now, my whole body was shaking from the cold, so I ran back to the bus stop instead ... Yes, I actually ran to that stupid, cursed bus stop that seemed to be the only place in the world I hated more then college at the moment.
By the time I got back there, it was absolutely hammering down. My face and hands were numb, my hair was stuck to my face and my clothes would take weeks to dry. I tried to catch my breath as I looked at the empty bus stop for my wallet.
It wasn't there.
Neither was the little old lady.
"She fucking robbed me!" I shouted to no one in particular in complete and utter disbelief.
I just sat back down on the bench in shock as the rain was somehow managing to get to me even though I was under shelter. Bus stops never were rain-proofed enough.
Then, lightening cracked the sky and the wind picked up and I just didn't have the strength to get up and try and head back to the college.
I'm not sure how long I sat there before I pulled out my phone and dialed the one person I hoped could cheer me up.
"Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! What a lovely surprise to see you calling me."
"Hey Bert ... listen, d-do you drive?"
"Like a mad-man on steroids."
"Cool ... hey, you think you could come and pick me up?"
"Course I can. Where are you?"
"The bus stop just up the road."
"What happened? You okay?"
"Yeah ... some sweet little old lady with a walking stick stole my wallet."
Bert just laughed.
"Oh man! You'll have to explain that one to me. I'm on my way."
With that, he hung up and even though I know he must have left straight away because he was there within 5 minutes, it was the longest 5 minutes of my life! I was wet, I was frozen and I was fucking miserable.
The one thing I was grateful of was that I didn't have a credit card. I could just imagine the old women laughing wickedly as she gambled all my money away on the slots whilst dobbing at her Bingo card and sipping at a glass of Port.
When Bert finally turned up in his surprisingly nice, expensive looking car, I jumped in as quickly as I could, not even realizing that I was going to destroy the interior of his car because I was so saturated.
"Holly fuck! Why are you so wet?"
"I can see that. What were you doing? Dancing in it?"
He was nice enough to put the heat on as I told him about my day so far. Bert just sat there, his laughter getting louder and louder as I finally finished my story. It actually cheered me up slightly, to have company to tell my shitty story to, it also helped that I was slowly getting dryer and warmer.
"I still can't believe she actually mugged me!"
"Oh ... about that Gee -"
And Bert reached into his pocket, pulled something out and threw it into my lap. I just stared at it stupidly before finally managing to speak.
"My wallet! Where'd you - how'd you? You didn't kill her did you?"
He just laughed at me again.
"When I got off the phone with you I checked your room. Your wallet was on your bed. Doesn't look like you even took it with you this morning."
I just stared at him dumbfounded.
"How did you even think to look there?"
"Because it's happened to me so many times its not funny. I just figured I'd look there before I got you, just in case. Save you worrying."
"You're a fucking genius! You know that right?"
And I actually couldn't believe it, because he actually was. Stoner Bert McCracken was a genius. Not only did he actually go to class and study something at college, he could drive and he was surprisingly a lot cleverer then I had ever given him credit for.
"Yeah, I know. So, you wanna get a coffee or what?"
"Yes! And I want the biggest one you can get!"
Sure, I was still soaking wet, sure, I felt kind of clammy in my clothes, but I didn't care. I was so smitten with Bert's cleverness, at him finding my not so missing wallet and at the fact he had come to my rescue that at that moment I didn't want to go back to college. I wanted to enjoy the great day I was now having.
With that, we went to the Starbucks just a few more blocks up the road and ordered our coffees. We just sat there, laughing and joking about nothing in particular. Bert didn't even seem to notice that I looked like a drowned rat, in fact, he just seemed mesmerized by me.
And I believe it was at that moment that I realised what we were doing. A date! Were we on a date?
He had asked me for coffee, I had accepted, we were talking about ourselves, we were laughing, we were having a good time. It could have been 2 friends, just hanging out, yet, something just felt different. There was just this feeling, this slight awkwardness that you only felt when you knew that you were on a first date.
That feeling where it wouldn't matter if you had known the person you were with for years, as soon as the word "date" comes into it, it's like something in your brain just tells you, you have to be nervous.
And I was, because this was a date. I was on a date with a guy!
I quickly sipped at my coffee as I squirmed in my seat. It was suddenly a lot harder to have a conversation with Bert ... What was wrong with me? Why did I have to get all nervous? Bert clearly didn't care that we were on a date, but he certainly noticed my change in attitude.
"Er - Gee? Something up?"
"Huh? What? No ... No, of course not. Why would something be up? Should something be up?"
Bert looked at me and smiled. The guy was a genius, he didn't even need me to tell him what was wrong, he just seemed to know. How the fuck does he do that?
"I dunno ... you seem nervous all of a sudden."
"N-nervous? Why would I be nervous? Should I be nervous?"
YES! Because I'm on a date with a guy! And that was when Bert reached out and put his hands over mine. I tensed up, I couldn't help it. If he noticed, he didn't care, because he didn't let go, he only leaned in closer to me, his voice a whisper.
"Depends ... how do you feel about putting out on the first date?"
My hands shot out from under his as I let out a strange, strangled sort of noise and felt myself go bright red. I mean, what the fuck?
"Er ... well, um - I don't ... um -"
Bert just laughed.
"Oh my god Gee! You're too funny!"
I forced a smile, but the rest of the "date" was still awkward.
I wasn't sure if Bert really had been joking around with his comment or if he had only changed his approach when he saw my reaction. Either way, when our coffees were finished we were back in his car and headed for the school in complete silence. There was just so much going through my head that I couldn't have thought of anything to say even if my life depended on it.
It was a good thing Bert couldn't hear my thoughts because as we pulled up in the college parking lot, I started to think. I clearly didn't hesitate when he asked me for coffee, I'd made out with him before and I never really cared. I knew this guy pretty well, he made me happy, he made me forget all the shitty stuff that was going on in my life and what was more, today, he actually took care of me!
Do I like Bert?
So what if I do? ... Who has to know? Nobody if I didn't want them to.
That was when Bert gave me a confused look as he turned the key and the car switched off.
"Look Gee ... Sorry if I, well, you know, seem a bit forward. But, in case you haven't noticed by now, I'm kind of into you. So, if you're not into this whole guy on guy thing, then, just tell me now and I'll try to stop ... no promises though." He smiled and winked at me, but it was clear he was waiting for me to say something.
Looking back, it was probably a really stupid idea, but I had to know for sure if I really was "into it" and, just like that, I closed the gap between myself and Bert and kissed him furiously.
Next thing I knew, I was crawling from my seat into his lap and he slid his seat back with his spare hand to make room for me.
We were all over each other! It was just so easy once I started that I had no intention on stopping.
Bert didn't seem to mind at all, his hands ventured straight towards the waistline of my pants and then they just continued to go further until I felt his surprisingly warm hands grab a hold of the erection that I was unaware was now fully grown in my pants.
"Holy fuck!" I yelled out stupidly.
Sure, I had totally come onto him this time, but I wasn't expecting it to go this far and as I realised where his hands were, I jumped up with a start and hit my head against the roof of the car.
Bert just laughed at me, but he didn't remove his hands from where they were and although I was still caught extremely off guard, who the fuck was I to try and stop him? I mean, I'm a guy ... we enjoy that sort of stuff, it doesn't matter who we get it from. Right?
Then, I'm not to sure what happened next, my mind was completely blank as Bert's hands worked away at me, all I knew was the pleasure. But, I must have been leaning against the car door pretty hard by this stage, because the next thing I knew it was flung open and I lost my support.
I tumbled backwards, dragging Bert with me as I had a firm grip on his shirt, and I felt my back collide with the wet concrete of the college parking lot. Bert fell on top of me, his hands now, thankfully, removed from my pants, and we both looked up at Quinn, who was doubled over in hysterical laughter.
"I'm so sorry ... but - I just couldn't fucking help myself!"
Quinn continued to laugh as me and Bert tried to collect ourselves from the concrete floor. Once we had adjusted our clothes, flattened our hair and eased down the rather embarrassing bulges in our pants we were actually able to face Quinn.
Bert to found it hilarious as he took that moment to join Quinn in laughing at what had just happened. I was still too shocked as to what the hell I had just done to join in. What if someone had seen us?
"Let me guess Gee ... it's not what it looks like, am I right?" Quinn asked, between laughter.
"Because, I'm no school administrator but there was definitely an extension program going on in your pants."
Bert and Quinn pissed themselves laughing once again. I just rubbed a hand through my still soaking hair as I tried to think of some sort of explanation.
"Quinn, that was the lamest thing you've ever said," Bert laughed, apparently not noticing I wasn't finding it quite so funny.
"Um ... I got to go to class!" I announced rather hurriedly and with that, I ran off to my room, ignoring whatever they were calling back to me.
Now, here I am. Confused as all fuck!
What happened? Why did I do that? Why did I let it get so far?
Do I like Bert? Possibly, my best friend? Fellow drinking buddy? A guy?!?
What about Sarah? I liked her, she made it quite clear she liked me ... yet, hadn't something been missing when she kissed me on my birthday.
I can't be gay! I just can't ... I'm 22! Aren’t you supposed to know this sort of stuff when you're like 15 and full of raging hormones?
Oh, I'm never going to get to sleep.
Thursday, May 4th
85 kg (apparently didn't work anything off yesterday), 10 beers, 70 cigarettes, 0 joints (can I really face Bert to get one?)
8 a.m. And here I lie, after not sleeping a wink. The whole night, all I could think about was Bert.
Well, not just him, more or less just thinking over my whole life and trying to remember if I had ever expressed any interest in another man before. How long had I suppressed these feelings? Why were they just starting to come out now?
8:30 a.m. OH MY GOD! What am I thinking? Is that it then? Have I just given up and accepted the fact that I most likely have feelings for another male?
I still have a thing for Sarah ... I know I do. It's just not the same. It's like having the best of both worlds. I like women ... boy do I ever. Yet, there's just something about Bert. There's just something about the idea of being with a guy that -
... Oh no you don't! That's it. No more thinking, no more writing. I'm done with this shit!
Saturday, May 6th
9 a.m. College: My room. Man, will it ever end? This month just seems to be full of unexpected surprises.
I'm lying here, in my room at college, listening to the sounds of my brother's snores coming from the mattress on the floor, with a smile on my face.
That's right, Mikey is here! And we've made up.
Where to begin this time? Probably from the start of Friday morning, a day which started off with the promise that it was going to be just as shitty as that day with the old lady and the wallet problems.
The rain still hadn't stopped and I truly struggled to get out of bed and go to art class that morning. Yet, somehow I managed ... I really shouldn't have bothered though.
As I went to the storage cupboard to select some paints I wanted to use, I was shoved roughly by a passing Marcus.
"What do you want homo?"
He just stared at me and laughed.
"Who are you calling a homo? I saw you and Bert in the parking lot the other day ... always knew you were queer!"
With that, the little bastard walked off before I could even think about something witty to say back to him. Truth was though, I probably wouldn't have come up with anything even if he did just stand there waiting for it. It was safe to say I was speechless.
He had seen us! Who else had seen? Would he tell his brother? I'm dead-fucking-meat!
I struggled to even think of anything particularly horrible to do to him that lesson; I just stood there, staring at my blank canvas.
"You going to paint something today Mr. Way or are you just going to stand there staring at the canvas continuing to waste time?"
Turned out Mr. Barry was back to his old "I hate Gerard Way" attitude ... it figures. I didn't mind though, he seemed to snap me out of the daze I was in and my brain suddenly started working again. I just picked up my canvas and handed it to him.
"I'm not wasting time though. That one's all finished. It's called 'What goes on in Marcus' head'."
Mr. Barry gave me a look and Marcus suddenly got very interested, upon hearing his name, and craned his neck to get a better look at the canvas.
"There's nothing on it!" Marcus said matter-of-factly, as he stared at me stupidly.
And with that I stormed out, not feeling very good about myself, despite my great come back.
Marcus knew! He had seen ... this was bound to spread around the college.
I had never been very popular, ever, now all of a sudden, everyone knew me. But not because I was cool or good at sports or famous or anything, it was because I was the nerdy art freak that the school's toughest jock wanted to beat up and who was also caught making out with a guy in the rain in the college parking lot.
What a reputation to have!
So, as I made my way to my room feeling sorry for myself, I stopped in surprise when I realised who was sitting by my door looking quite miserable. Mikey!
"Mikes? What are you doing here?"
As soon as he heard my voice, he jumped up from the floor, walked towards me and pulled me into a tight hug.
"Gee! I'm so fucking sorry! I've never been so sorry in my entire life. There's no excuse ... I can't believe I forgot! I'm so fucking stupid!"
And I swear to god he was crying.
"Mikes ... its okay bro, seriously!"
Because it suddenly was. All I wanted was for him to remember me. I didn't care if it was years to late, just so long as he eventually remembered. Just the fact that he was hear, apologising now when my life seemed to be getting shittier and shittier, made everything alright.
Turned out that Mikey wasn't as quick to forgive himself. He pulled away and stared at me intently.
"Errr ... What?"
"I fucking deserve it Gee ... hit me! Punch me; slap me across the face like a bitch! I don't care, just do something please. I feel terrible."
"Mikey ... I'm not going to -"
"Fucking hit me Gee!"
And so I did. I shrugged, pulled back my fist and punched him in the arm. He scrunched up his face and gripped tightly at the spot I had just hit.
"Ow ... that hurt. Bitch!"
"You told me to!"
"Yeah, but you didn't have to hit so hard. Oh, who cares? I'm so sorry Gee!"
"Yeah, yeah Mikes, it's okay. I'm sorry to ... you know for -"
"You already told me that Gee ... on the phone. You remember?"
"I know, but you sounded pissed off that day. You didn't say anything, you just let me apologise and then I had no choice but to hang up."
Mikey shook his head and bit his lip as he looked at me nervously.
"It's because I didn't know what to say ... I felt terrible. I realised before then that I forgot your birthday and when you rang up and apologised, I just froze up, I didn't know what to say because nothing I could say could make it alright. So, I just let you hang up so I could think about what I was going to do to make it up to you. Finally, I couldn't think of anything, so I just decided to get over it and come here and try and make it better. I'm sorry."
"Well, it worked Mikes. I forgive you ... I'm glad you're here."
We smiled at each other stupidly before his face lit up again.
"Oh! Don't you wanna know what I'm going to do to make up for missing your birthday?"
"Do you even have to ask ... hell yeah! Tell me, tell me."
"Well, Mum and Dad are going away on that skiing holiday, remember that? Now, I know it's in August, but I've already started organising it. I'm going to throw you the biggest party ever that weekend!"
"Mikes, you don't have to do that ... really, it's cool."
"But I've already started making plans, it's already finalised. It's happening Gee, it'll be more then fun, trust me."
And I smiled, really smiled. Because it sounded awesome, I couldn't wait. Everything was okay again, everything was fine. Mikey was back, he was planning on staying the weekend, it was perfectly flawless. Then, I had another thought.
"Oh hey Mikes ... there's just one other thing I need you to do for me. You know ... to make up for missing my birthday and all."
"Yeah? What's that? You name it bro ... anything!"
"Well ... I kind of need you to get my car keys off Frank Iero for me."
Sunday, May 7th
85 kg (blah, blah, blah), 17 beers (just cause I can!), 20 cigarettes (OMG! Great!), 0 joints.
5 p.m. It's great to have my brother back, it really is, especially considering I'm not really speaking with Quinn and Bert at the moment. At least I still have some company now.
Yet, me and Mikey's lunch time conversation didn't go as I had hopped it would, in fact, it took a rather horrible turn and I am still trying to come up with a better explanation then the one I did at the time ... just so that next time I see him, I can explain what is really going on.
It was all Bert and Quinn's fault anyway ... well, it wasn't really ... but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
The two of them were sitting a couple of tables away from us, but it was still close enough that I could here them laughing animatedly amongst themselves. I don't know why, but I couldn't stop looking. I had to know what they were laughing about, it was driving me insane.
Apparently, Mikey noticed.
"Um, Gee ..."
"Yeah!" I sort of yelled at him a bit too loudly as I realised I had been staring at my two laughing neighbours rather then at my brother, whom I admittedly forgot was even there for a moment.
"You remember what I said to you before ... about you always keeping secrets from me?"
It was the first time I actually had to stop and really think, because I had honestly forgotten our fight had ever happened. It was ancient history, long gone. Mikey and I were friends again and that's all that mattered. But, looking back now that I was asked to, I remembered it.
"Yeah ... It's not true though. I tell you everything Mikes, you know that."
"Oh really? Well, then tell me - what's going on between you and Bert?"
I froze. I really did. How the hell could he have figured out that something was going on between us?
Derrrrrrrrrrrr Gerard, he's not fucking stupid! I mean, I had just been staring at the guy for the whole of our lunch together. But what the hell was I going to say to Mikey?
"Erm ... it's complicated. I can't really explain it."
"I dunno ... I think we're sort of - um - involved."
Mikey's mouth dropped open as he just stared at me, probably hoping I would just pull on a clown suit with a honking red nose and just press it over and over again as I told him I was kidding.
"Involved? W-what? But ... I thought you liked that girl. Sally or -"
"That's the one ... Sarah, what happened to her?"
"Um ... well -"
"I mean, when you say involved ... what do you mean exactly?"
There were so many questions and poor Mikey looked so confused. He didn't get it, I didn't get it. I've kissed the guy! I've now dated the guy and what happened in the car was definitely leading somewhere else with the guy ... Was I technically seeing Bert?
"Mikey ... I seriously don't know. We just, I dunno -"
"Have you kissed him?"
I ducked at Mikey's words and frantically looked all around me, hoping no one had heard him. Not that it mattered anyway. By now Marcus had probably told the whole college about what he saw in the parking lot.
"Yes ... quite a lot actually."
Mikey just stared. He opened his mouth, scrunched up his face and closed it again. He took a deep breath, opened his mouth and then closed it again. It was quite funny to watch, but I really just wanted him to get on with it.
"Look Mikey ... I don't know what this means okay! I - I just ... When I know, you'll be the first I tell okay? It's just all really confusing at the moment."
There were a few more mouth opening and closing moments from Mikey, but as he took one final deep breath, he looked at me, suddenly very serious.
"Y-you know ... You're my brother no matter what Gee and - well, you know I don't care what you decide ... but, I've heard stories ..."
"About Bert. Just - just be careful okay? Boy or girl, you can still get your heart broken."
And with that, we sat through the rest of lunch in silence and he packed his things and headed back home soon after. I hated that he was gone again and that I knew the weekend was over, but he had given me a lot to think about.
Just what I needed, more shit to think about!
Thursday, May 11th
2 p.m. College: Library. Decided that today I was going to hang out with Ben. I have seriously been neglecting our friendship and whilst I don't think he even noticed my absence from his life, I still felt it my utmost duty to pull him away, kicking and screaming if need be, from his books and all the studying he had been seriously over dosing on.
"Seriously Gerard, I really have to study."
"No you don't, you've done plenty, trust me."
"Fine. What are we going to do then? You know I don't smoke and I don't know how to play World of Warcraft."
"What? Come on Ben, you don't seriously think that those 2 things are all I do."
Ben just stared at me ... Okay, so that was basically all I ever did in my spare time. But he forgot drawing ... I draw. Oh, and I read to! Yet, neither of those things seemed very practical for two people to do. Sitting back to back and reading isn't exactly anyone’s idea of fun.
I can still remember when Mikey and I had each bought a copy of 'Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire'. When we failed to think of fun things to do together, we decided to just sit in the lounge room and read our books. I learnt the hard way that it doesn't work:
"Oh shit Mikes! Cedric's dead!"
"WHAT? YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I'M NOT UP TO THAT YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mum had been so furious at Mikey's foul mood that she decided to ground me. I think it was partly because if I was locked in my room, Mikey would calm down and stop yelling and throwing things at me every time he saw me, give her some piece and quiet. And I think it was also for my own safety.
"Okay then Gee ... so what do you recommend we do?"
I was still so caught up in my memories of the past that I forgot that me and Ben were trying to think of something fun to do.
"Definitely not read Harry Potter together that's for sure ..."
"Huh? Oh, nothing. Erm ... what about chess? You like chess don't you?"
"Hmmm, I suppose chess would be okay."
So I found myself sitting there, in the middle of the library, playing chess with Ben. Honestly, I'm the worst chess player that ever lived ... I just didn't get it.
"Check and mate!"
I swear, he had literally only done about 8 moves. I just stared at the bored thinking.
"Oh ... look, my pawn can take your -"
And I quickly sprawled my arms out all over the bored and messed up all the pieces so that there was no evidence of him ever having won the game. Ben just sighed.
"Now can I get back to studying?"
"Best out of three?"
I really didn't want to keep playing, but I was sooo bored.
Somehow Ben managed to get rid of me though and now I'm just sitting here, on one of the study desks, writing down my thoughts.
Man, I'm a sad, sad person.
4 p.m. I'm still sitting here in the library, but I just had a rather unexpected visitor. It was Sarah. And I honestly had been so worried about everything else in my life at the moment that I had completely forgotten about her. It was then that I realised that I hadn't spoken to her since my birthday.
"Hey Gerard ... what you doing?"
Yes, I was writing in this stupid diary at the time she came up to me, so I quickly shut it and popped my elbow over it hoping she wouldn't notice. She just giggled at me.
"You're funny. So, did your brother finally remember your birthday?"
"Yeah ... Yes he did. Say's he's throwing me a huge party in August to make up for it. You should definitely come."
She giggled at me again as I continued to lean rather awkwardly over my diary as though I was posing naked for some sort of dirty magazine. I cleared my throat and adjusted myself so I was a little more comfortable.
"If you want me there, I'll go."
And then, she simply smiled at me in that sexy way that she does and I just melted.
Bert who? It didn't matter about anything anymore, I was mesmerised by her.
"Y-yeah ... I definitely want you there."
Were we even still talking about the party? I'm not even sure, because I was so caught up in the moment I didn't realise I was slowly moving closer and closer to her. Wanting to kiss her, just like she had kissed me on my birthday.
So, I did.
It was short, it was sweet and we were in the library, so it was nowhere near as passionate as the kiss me and Bert had shared in the sanctuary of his car was. But, it was still good.
Then, to my great surprise, she pulled away, biting her bottom lip as she glanced around the library nervously.
"Sorry Gerard, but I really better go," she suddenly announced.
"Oh ... Oh okay."
Before I could stop her, she got up and just left me sitting there. I couldn't help myself, I to glanced around the library, half expecting someone to be looking my way, waving a knife around or something. Why else would Sarah have looked around? It was as though she was truly worried about being found out.
8 p.m. College: My room. Finally back in my room. My thinking space. I even have a bag full of popcorn, butter flavoured salt stuff sprinkled all over it just to give it that extra flavour. It's great, just like real butter, it's amazing.
I can't believe I spent the whole day in the library.
I can't believe how confusing everything is.
I can't believe it's the weekend again.
I can't believe it's not butter ... it taste just like it, honestly! You got to try this stuff.
Saturday, May 13th
89 kg (WHAT? FROM WHERE? Must have been that salted butter!), 25 beers (all had with Mikey, so don't count as actually drinking with someone, social drinks never count), 9000 cigarettes (I figure, I'm smoking for 2 at the moment), 0 joints (I need some though).
9 a.m. Mikey always surprises me with the way he can just pull some random memory or idea out of his ass. I mean, I know I asked him to help me last weekend, but I just figured he'd forgotten. Turns out I was wrong.
Just like old times, he turned up last night, clearly leaving home to head here the moment he had finished school. We didn't do much last night, I was still avoiding Bert so there was no parties. Instead, we watched horror movies and slept.
This morning though, I wake up to find Mikey pulling on his shoes, looking thoroughly pumped and excited about something.
"Why you up so early? Waz happenin?"
"It's Saturday morning Gee. The suns up, breakfast smells good ... I'm all pumped and ready."
"For getting your keys off Frank ... that's what!"
I sprung up out of bed, rubbing at my eyes and suddenly wishing I hadn't sprung up out of bed like that ... now my head was spinning.
"Of course I am! After all, someone’s got to do it and as you clearly don't have the balls -"
"I have the balls to do it Mikey! I just don't wanna!"
"Whatever ... now, where do I find Frank?"
That was when I suddenly realised that I hadn't seen Frank in a long while. Usually I'd managed to somehow bump into him whenever I was having a particularly shitty day. He always seemed to know the right time to turn up and mess everything up even more.
Yet, now that I thought about it, I really hadn't seen him around much lately.
"Erm ... dunno. Guess he'd probably be having breakfast."
I shrugged. Mikey just gave me the thumbs up and headed out the door. He really was a good brother.
"Coffee ... please, I need coffee ... bring to me, please."
With that I reached for my brother and collapsed back onto my pillow rather dramatically hoping he would get the hint. He disappeared back out the door muttering something about getting off my fat ass and getting it myself ... but I knew I must be hearing things. Mikey would never say that to me.
6 p.m. College: Medical centre. Okay, seriously ... I don't even know what to call this place I'm in at the moment. It's almost like a sick bay or something. I didn't even know that the college had a hidden medical centre thing like this until now. Guess it's always handy to know.
Oh and no, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not hurt or anything, I'm just sitting here staring at the very pale, sleeping form of Frank Iero feeling extremely guilty as though I, in some way or another, killed him with the mental powers I didn't know I had.
I mean, sure, every now and then I had looked at Frank and thought, "I wish you'd just drop dead and leave me alone", but I never actually meant it! What if I have killed him? What if I have the force ... or something similar?
After Mikey left this morning, I must have fallen back asleep, because when my door next burst open, I was in a such a daze and it felt like he had never actually left.
"Mikey - wha???? Where's my coffee?"
It was the first thing I noticed. The second thing was the look on his face.
"I don't think you'll be getting your keys back any time soon bro."
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"I went looking for Frank, asked around a bit when I couldn't see him anywhere. Turns out the guys really sick and he's been in one of the colleges' medical rooms resting for the past few days."
It was all I could think to say. I suddenly felt quite bad ... I don't even know why. I just had this sickly feeling in my stomach and I had to ask...
"I-Is he okay?"
"I dunno ... Maybe we should go see him."
I just stared at Mikey a little confused. I mean, he didn't really know Frank, he had only really ever heard me bitching and complaining about him. Why would he want to go and see if he was okay?
Nevertheless, the look on his face was heartbreaking so I quickly got dressed and the two of us made our way to these so called medical rooms that the college had. They were right up the back of the college grounds, behind one of the football ovals. It was no wonder I never knew they were there, I never went anywhere near the football ovals!
It didn't take us long to locate Frank. Mikey just walked straight into the room he was in, but I hesitated. I hated this guy, we didn't get along. The last thing I wanted was for him to wake up and see Mikey and I just sitting there staring at him. What were we even doing here?
"Don't just stand there Gee, get in here!" Mikey protested, grabbing my arm and pulling me in the room with him.
My hands were sweating, my heart was beating fast, I hated being in that room. I just felt awkward, like I didn't really have any right to be there. Mikey didn't seem to mind, he casually just pulled up two chairs and sat down in one. I cautiously took the other.
I didn't say anything at first. I still felt kind of odd just sitting there next to Mikey, staring at Frank's sleeping figure. One thing was for certain, the guy really didn't look very well and in the deathly silence of this small room his breathing sounded erratic and extremely unhealthy.
"Um ... Mikes - what are we doing here exactly?"
Mikey just looked at me a little nervously before shrugging slightly.
"I dunno, guess I just felt I owed it to him to make sure he was okay."
I sat, staring at my brother, unsure of what exactly he was talking about.
"Owed it to him? What do you mean?"
He didn't make eye contact with me as he just sort of stared at his knees.
"Well, if it wasn't for Frank, you probably would have taken off in your car the other weekend ... you know, when you were wasted. We both know it wouldn't have ended well. Guess I'm just grateful that someone was looking out for you ... I wouldn't have wanted my last conversation with you to be some lame fight about me being to caught up in my own stupid life to remember my big brothers birthday."
I just stared at Mikey, unsure of what to say. Because I honestly never thought about it like that. I never did. Whenever I drank, I never thought about the consequences like everyone else seemed to, it was definitely one of my biggest faults.
Mikey's phone started ringing, breaking the awkward silence. His voice turned into a whine as it was clear he was talking to one of our parents. When he hung up he looked at me and rolled his eyes.
"Mum wants me to come home. She saw the results of my maths test and she's not happy."
I nodded at him, not taking my eyes off Frank.
"Errr ... cool. Well, I might just stay here a little longer Mikes. You know, keep him company."
Mikey gave me an odd sort of smile before he nodded, said goodbye and then left me and the sleeping Frank all alone in the deathly silent room.
An hour later and I'm still here.
I don't even know why!
I guess Mikeys' words just really got to me. I mean, what would have happened if Frank hadn't of stopped me from driving away? I know how stubborn I can get, even though I knew I was drunk, I would have tried to drive out to Mikey.
So, I just figured that the least I could do is sit with Frank when he's not feeling to good.
"Hey Frank ... um - thanks for stealing my keys man. I mean ... kind of inconvenient and all - but thanks."
Sure, I felt stupid talking to someone who was clearly far to out of it to hear me, but it felt good to get it off my chest.
9 p.m. I guess this place doesn't have an end to visiting hours.
No! I did not just sit here for 3 hours. I fell asleep, these darn chairs are really comfy and I guess no one minded me being here, because nobody bothered to wake me up.
Frank's still sleeping although he seems kind of restless now. I suddenly find myself wondering why his friends aren’t here with him. From what I've seen, the guys pretty popular. So why isn't anyone else sitting by his side making sure he's okay?
Shit! What if they visited whilst I was sleeping and saw me sitting here. Would they wonder what the hell I was doing?
What am I doing here? Why am I still sitting here? I should really go!
Late night. College: My room. It's good to be back in my own room. I feel like I can breathe again.
Yet, I can't stop thinking about Frank. I just feel so sorry for him, lying there, looking so unwell with no one to wake up to.
Come on! Why do I care? I don't even like the guy! I was just doing it for Mikey, that's all.
I need to put on a movie to distract my thoughts, I really wish Mikey hadn't of left so early today.
Sunday, May 14th
90 kg (OMG! Am getting fat again!), 16 beers (hmmm, dunno how that happened), 2000 cigarettes (okay, so probably over exaggerating, but still smoking for 2. I figure, least I can do for Frank is smoke a few cigarettes for him whilst he's too sick to do it himself ... I'm a nice guy), 0 joints.
11 a.m. Actually had breakfast with Ben this morning. I think he felt bad that he blew me off for study the other day, so he came into my room, at a decent enough hour as he knew I liked to sleep in, and asked if I'd join him for Sunday morning pancakes with him.
Of course I excepted, but I couldn't help but feel a little bad for Frank when I looked over at his group of "friends" and saw them all laughing amongst themselves as though they didn't even notice that he was missing.
Ben clearly noticed I wasn't my usual self. Well, actually, grumpy and incoherent was how I usually was that early, but I guess he just figured something else was wrong.
"Nothing ... Me and Mikes just went and saw Frank Iero yesterday. He's not well."
Ben just shrugged as he shoveled more pancakes into his mouth.
"I didn't think you liked the guy."
"Huh? Well ... I don't, not really. But, I just feel bad for him. His friends don't even care that he's just lying there."
Ben looked at me strangely before reaching for the syrup and pilling more onto his plate.
"Probably because they're just used to it."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I went to high school with those jerks and Frank was always missing school or skipping classes to go to the school nurse. I think he's just one of those people that just gets sick all the time. It's no big deal."
I stared at Ben, once again amazed at how little I really knew about him. I had no idea that he had gone to the same school as Frank and all his friends. After that, I didn't feel so bad though so I went back to eating my pancakes.
Tuesday, May 17th
I didn't go to class today, I honestly don't know why, but I just didn't feel very up to it. Instead, I found myself wondering to the medical rooms at the back of the college ovals. I'm not even sure why I decided to go, but that was just where I wanted to be.
However, when I got close to the room that had previously held the sleeping, helpless looking form of Frank Iero, I stopped in my tracks. I heard loud laughter and raised happy voices.
Suddenly my whole tactic changed and I was like a ninja sneaking around in the shadows. A fat, clumsy ninja, but a ninja nonetheless.
I peered around the corner of the hallway and could just make out Frank's room from there. He was sitting up in bed, still looking pale and coughing and spluttering in between laughs, but he was up nonetheless.
He was also surrounded by at least 6 of his loud, obnoxious and stupid friends. As soon as I saw them, I quickly pulled myself back around the corner and safely out of site. There was no way I was going to be caught here. They would beat me up for sure! And Frank would just stare at me as though wondering why the hell I would dare show my face around him.
So, instead, I just made my way back to my room. Mikey had given me a few new horror films to watch, that would have to keep me busy for the time being.
Still, I couldn't shake the image of Frank sitting up in bed looking happy with all of his friends. And I actually felt a pang of jealousy.
I was the one that had sat with Frank when he was passed out and doped up on medication, I should be the one sitting there, laughing with him and chatting about shit with him. Me and Mikey were the ones that rushed to see if he was alright when we barely knew him and yet his friends get all the credit.
I don't even know why I care so much, but I just do.
Sometimes it's nice to be acknowledged for the good stuff you do. And Frank, well, he'll never know that I was there for him when he was sick. Even though I'm still convinced I hate his guts!
... But do I really?
Friday, May 19th
88 kg (don't know how I've done it, but I have), 28 beers (Friday night, am allowed), 89 cigarettes (Friday night, am allowed), 8 joints (I was brave).
4 p.m. College: My room. Decided that I am a new Gerard. I'm going to be brave, strong and courageous!
And, as a warm up to approaching Frank for my keys, I decided to first approach Bert.
Okay, so I had no one to have lunch with today and I was feeling particularly shitty about Marcus and the taunts I could no longer return as have seemed to have lost my mojo, but that had nothing to do with why I wanted to make amends with Bert and Quinn.
I grabbed a bowl of Mac and Cheese and marched straight up to the table that Quinn was sitting at. He was alone for now, but I knew Bert wouldn't be far behind.
"Hey Quinn ... where's Bert?"
Quinn just smiled at me.
"Did you check down your pants?"
I opened my mouth to say something back but at that moment I felt someone take the seat next to me.
"Good one," Bert commented as he got comfortable and high-fived Quinn.
"Yes ... very funny Quinn, must have been up all night thinking of that one" I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes.
There was a silence and Quinn sighed loudly.
"Look, if you two wanna be left alone tough shit! I don't want to have my lunch on my own, so whatever you've got to say, you'll just have to say it in front of me."
"Fine! Bert ..." I turned to face him, suddenly not quite knowing what the hell I actually wanted to say to him. "Erm - I've got nothing."
Bert and Quinn looked at each other and then started laughing again. Great, so much for brave, strong and courageous Gerard. Truth was though, I really had no idea what I wanted to say to him.
What happened, happened. I don't regret it, it was a good day. So what was it I really wanted to tell Bert? I had no idea, I actually enjoyed the relationship we had ... Even if it was a little messed up.
"Good. Now that that's over ... you coming to our room tonight? We got pot!" Quinn announced with a smile.
"Sure, what the hell."
And with that, I was back to square one. Things just went on as though nothing had ever happened. And I honestly didn't mind.
Monday, May 22nd
89 kg (probably from all the booze on the weekend), 0 beer (too much booze over weekend), 80 cigarettes (I think it's time to quit), 0 joints (too much pot over weekend).
3 p.m. College: Library. I think the library has officially become my sanctuary; it's the one place I can go and just sit in a quiet place and think. It's also the one place I know none of my friends or enemies for that matter will come looking for me. It's just not their scene. Which ultimately makes it perfect for escape.
And why did I need an escape today? Because I'm gutless and I'm weak.
I spotted Frank by one of the class rooms today and he was just standing there, leaning against the wall all on his own. I shut my eyes, took a deep breathe and started to walk purposefully towards him. I mean, that was my moment, I knew it was.
I got closer, closer, I was almost there ... I wasn't even sure what I was going to say...
Then, the next thing I know, Frank smiles and reaches out an arm to throw around the shoulder of some girl that has just walked up to him. It's Sarah.
I don't stop; I just keep walking, right past the two of them, my blood boiling at the site of them together. And I didn't stop walking until I made it into the library.
What the hell is her deal? There is no doubt in my mind that she holds some sort of flame for me and yet, there's Frank! Now, I know she say's they're just friends. But I'm beginning to think there may be something else to this whole relationship of theirs.
Why does everything have to suck so much?
Friday, May 26th
6 p.m. College: My room. It was a shit week! That is ... until this morning. I'm sitting here, in my room a huge smile on my face as I think of how satisfied I am with myself today.
I woke up, got dressed, went back to bed for a few more minutes as it was pretty early, woke up again, realised it was now to late for breakfast as I had over slept and ran to class.
A good start to the day I thought.
Then, as I was making my way down the empty hallway that led to my art classroom I suddenly heard a voice from behind me.
"You mustn’t go many places ..."
I spun around, stumbling stupidly as I lost my footing when I realised who was standing there, staring at me, just a few feet down the hall. Yes, it was Frank. He was just standing there, hands in his pockets, the sleeves of his jacket rolled up just enough so that I could see his tattoos.
Instinctively I looked behind me, just to make sure he wasn't talking to someone else who just happened to be standing right behind me in the deserted hallway. I must have looked like an idiot.
Then, when I was finally convinced that he had to be talking to me, I raised my eyebrows as I didn't really understand what he had said.
"Er - huh?"
"I said, you mustn’t go many places. It's almost been an entire month and I've still got your car keys."
Frank took a few steps towards me as I felt my breath catch. I don't know what it is about this guy, but he just seems to always catch me off guard. People like him just shouldn't talk to people like me, it's unnatural!
"Y-yeah well, you could have given them back to me."
I don't know why I snapped at him, but just the thought of him with Sarah, just the thought that I had cried in front of this guy made me feel like I had the right to be angry.
Frank continued to walk towards me until he stopped less then a meter in front of me. I swallowed hard ... I thought the guy was going to hit me!
"Maybe I was waiting for you to come up and ask for them back."
I felt my face involuntarily scrunch itself up to the expression of confusion. What the fuck did he mean by that?
And with that, he pulled one of his hands from it's pocket and he dangled the keys out in front of me. I reached up and grabbed them quickly, half expecting Frank to pull his hand and my keys away from me before I could snatch them back and yell "Ha ha, you actually thought I was gonna do it!". But he didn't.
However, as I reached up to grab them back rather aggressively, my hand brushed against his slightly. Frank's expression changed and he quickly let the keys go, pulled his hand well away from me and then tucked it back, safely away in his pocket.
I felt offended to say the least. Then I was just pissed off that he would over react that much. So I gave him one last pissed off look before I turned back around to go to my class room. But behind me, I heard him take a few hurried steps towards me.
"Oh and by the way -"
I stopped and turned, curious as to what else he had to say. His eyes locked with mine and for a moment I swear my heart stopped, I don't even know why.
"- Thanks for sitting with me."
And with that he turned around and began walking away. I just stood there, mouth hanging open, not believing what I had just heard him say. How the hell did he know I had been there with him?
Then, he stopped again and when he turned back around, a small smile was playing across his face.
"I almost forgot ... you dropped this to."
This time he didn't come closer, he pulled out the other hand in the other pocket and tossed me something small and shinny. I tried to catch it, I did, but I'm not very good at sports and it slipped out of my fumbling fingers and landed on the ground in front of me. Face flushing red, I bent down to pick it up. When I stood back up, Frank was already gone.
Shaking my head at the rather confusing confrontation I just had, I glanced down at the tiny badge that was in my hands.
As soon as I saw it, I remembered Bert had pinned it on me when he had arrived to find Quinn and I thoroughly wasted that night. It must have fallen off me when I tried to pick up my keys. At the time, I couldn't read what was on it, but now I could. It said, "If found, please return to the pub."
"Oh very fucking funny Bert."
6:30 p.m. Did I mention that I feel very accomplished?
I got my keys back!
Yeah, I know Frank technically gave them back to me ... but I swear, if he hadn't of approached me today, I would have done it! Today was the day.
At least now I have no reason to talk to Frank Iero ever again. We can go back to being how we were supposed to be. Jock and Nerd.
AN: OMG! That was tooooooo much fun. HE HE HE, definitely my favourite so far. This was actually supposed to be the slow chapter ... but it rained here and well, I couldn't go out walking and this happened. So yeah, I made Gee walk because I couldn't and the whole bus stop thing was born.
I hope you still like, and I'm glad to hear you're all addicted to it like crack-whores, lol! I'm addicted to it to.
Sorry if any of the edditing is a little slack this time round ... I'm a little drunk, so yead. LOL! Still ... should be good. But, as usual love to hear from you all. You keep me happy and make me smile like an axe-murdered. I don't even know what that means. If any of you want ANYTHING! I don't care what ... to happen in this story, let me know. I'll see what I can do. Love you all xxx