Categories > Anime/Manga > Neon Genesis Evangelion

Paychecks

by Kairi-kun 0 Reviews

A crossover with Gurren Lagann. Yoko visits the Earth of Eva and asks Asuka and Shinji an important question: mainly if they get paid.

Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor,Parody - Characters: Asuka Langley Soryu,Gendo Ikari,Misato Katsuragi,Rei Ayanami,Ritsuko Akagi,Shinji Ikari - Published: 2008/08/29 - Updated: 2008/08/29 - 3335 words - Complete

Author’s Note: WARNING!! The following story is a comedy that totally, completely and utterly ignores the established Neon Genesis Evangelion timeline (the anime one to be specific, not the manga) & should be treated as insanity in a bottle. Not only is it a comedy that ignores the canon, it’s a CROSSOVER!!! (No, not the dreaded CROSSOVER! Mein Gott in Himmel!) With that said, read at your own peril and I will not be held responsible for the fallout your mind will undergo when you finish said work.


“Holy shit! It actually worked!”
The words that came out from the mouth of Yoko Littner were understandable, given the circumstances. It’s not everyday that some insane science project spawned from the imaginations of a immature teen worked. However, since it was Leeron’s invention, it could be conceivable.
In her hands was the Inter-Dimenstional Gateway Inducer, a lightweight gun that, Leeron described, could open gateways into two places by manipulating spacial energies to open a miniature wormhole, then open another exit wormhole in the same area. However, what the engineer of Team Dai-Gurren never figured was the exact effectiveness of the gun; it created a gateway into a separate reality altogether.
“Oh well, looks like I ended up in a pretty nice looking home.” Yoko observed. She found herself in the middle of a small bedroom, and from the looks of it, it was in a typical Japanese apartment. The room in question was neatly arranged, with the exception of the bed, on it were some stuffed animals. There was a desk nearby with some papers lying about in a binder. Yoko picked up the papers and arched an eyebrow. “What is this…proper procedures for maintaining & operating EVA Unit, Mark 02, as per the instructions of NERV.” Yoko flipped through the pages of documents, noting, “Wow, this is a pretty kick ass robot they got built here. I think it’s as tall as the Gurren too. The weapons could use an upgrade though.” Yoko also wondered who would leave such an important document lying around. “Then again, who’d actually expect to find the instructions for a high maintenance robot in a bedroom?”
Looking towards the closet door, which was ajar, Yoko spotted something which caught her eye. She pulled the door open and among the school dresses, sun dresses and various other clothes, not to memntion a whip, she spotted a few flight suits, all red with black and green trimmings. “Hmmm. I wonder…”

“I can’t believe you did that!” Asuka said to Shinji, who walked besides her carrying a bag of groceries. “What possessed you to give her the last pack of chicken udon?”
“She helped me with my algebra homework last week.” Shinji replied, “It was the least I can do to repay her!”
“I’ll bet. First it starts with algebra, next minute, you’ll be trying to suck face with her.”
Shinji’s eyes narrowed. “Are you jealous of Mana?”
“What are you, stupid? Of course I’m not!” Asuka growled, doing a god job of conceiling the blush creeping up on her. “I just don’t trust the new girl, that’s all. Something about her rubs me the wrong way.”
“You said the same thing about Mayuri too.” Shinji observed as he opened the door to their apartment. The two found Pen Pen seated in his usual perch, asleep and with a fish at his side. As they set their things down on the table, they were greeted with a very odd sight; Yoko standing in front of the mirror, in one of Asuka’s plug suits, looking herself over.
“Wow, this is a pretty snug fit. Especially at the upper region.” Yoko said, pushing up her chest. Shinji gawked as Asuka, understandably, said “Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing in my plug suit?”
Yoko turned to see the two Eva pilots and waved. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to intrude! I’m kind of here by accident.”
“Accident? Since when do Eva pilots become pilots by accident? Granted, the Third Child here may be the first one…”
Shinji only continued to stare at Yoko as she answered, “No, that’s not exactly what I meant. My name is Yoko Littner. I’m a visitor from a parallel dimension.”
“Say what?”
“It’s kind of hard to explain, so let me demonstrate.” Yoko picked up the IG Inducer & fired it at the wall, opening a gateway into her world. Asuka peered in and whistled. “Wow, pretty odd place you got there. And so much desert too.”
“Tell me about it. You get sand in places you really shouldn’t get sand.”
“I can imagine. Wow, Shinji, get a load of the giant robots.”
Shinji peered at the gateway and said “Do you guys have problems with Angels in your world too?” Yoko shot him a puzzled look and asked Asuka “Uh, are you guys at war with God or something?”
“It’s complicated, really. I think people could write detailed thesis’s on everything that goes on with NERV these days.”
“Ah. No, we’re kinda having issues with these race of people called Beastmen. Real complicated stuff. The robots we pilot are called Gunmen. I have to say though, the plug suits feel kind of weird. And this section here, why is it highlighted?” Yoko asked, pointing at her chest.
“Visibility."
“I’ll say!” That reply earned Shinji a straight to the point kick to the face from Asuka, knocking him onto the ground.
“He reminds me of a guy I know.” Yoko replied.
“Is he a spineless perv as well?”
“No, not exactly. I’m curious, though, how does your government justify spending so much money on these plug suits or robots that waste so much power? Are you guys even PAID?”
The last question made Shinji’s head jerk up. “Wait! What?! You wanna run that by me again! Do you mean we’re not getting paid for this bullshit?!”
“Don’ tell me you didn’t read the fine print when you became a pilot.” Asuka sighed. “Wait, now that I think about it, I’m not so sure about that myself. Why do you ask?”
“Well,” Yoko explained, “one of the protocols of the military, in regards to volunteer soldiers, is proper compensation, pay grade & benefits. In any military organization, no matter what, if a volunteer soldier is under the age of 18, the government or military body is only responsible for housing and transportation as well as medical care. In short, even if you are a skilled pilot of a vehicle, you do not get paid. Period.”
Shinji jumped back up on his feet. He had to put up with many things while at NERV: the constant attacks of the Angels, his father’s indifference to his life, the psychological toll it took on his already unstabe ego, Asuka’s taunts, Misato’s cooking, and of course Asuka’s vague sexual advances. Not getting paid for all of it, however, that was the last straw. “Excuse me, I’ll be back.” Reaching into a dresser, Shinji took out a spare sidearm that Misato kept and rushed out the door. Yoko looked back towards Asuka, but her reaction was a bit delayed. But if one was to peer into her eyes, you could see anger slowly brewing.

Misato Katsuragi was bewildered. One minute, she was walking towards her apartment with the pilot of Unit 00,Rei Ayanami, the next, she watched as Shinji sprinted right past her, a look of rage plastered on his face. She didn’t know quite what to make of it.
“Pilot Ikari looked rather displeased.” Rei noted. Misato nodded and replied, “I hope Asuka didn’t drive him over the edge. The last thing I need is to go down to the train station and plead with him to come back to NERV. Again.” Handling Shinji was a handful, even for her. It was a miracle he even worked up the nerve to pilot the Eva for so long.
The two women entered the apartment, still wondering just what the hell Shinji had gotten so angry about when they caught Asuka in the middle of a discussion with Yoko about weapons that could be used to fight the Angels. “So you see, with the principal energies of the bullets and the basic weapons structure, it should be more than enough to pierce these AT Fields and destroy the Angels, making your automatic weapons far more useful.”
“I gotta say, that makes more sense than all the scenarios for weapons enhancement Dr. Akagi comes up with. I mean, really, why give us practically useless firearms that have no chance of denting an AT Field, it barely distracts them and we can’t pin them down.”
“Uh, hello? Who are you?” Misato asked.
“Oh, sorry Misato. This is Yoko, a visitor from a parallel Earth.”
“Are you for real?” Misato had to deal wth a lot of insane things when it came to working with NERV. But a woman from a parallel Earth? That was stretching it thin.
“I believe that may answer the question.” Rei pointed to the portal that was in the walls of her apartment. Sticking his head out of said portal was Simon, who had been looking for his fellow teammate to ask where Boota was hiding now “Yoko was telling me about the reasons why we Eva pilots are not getting paid for risking our asses every day.”
“Excuse me,” Rei said, “but did I hear you correctly? We do not receive any monetary compensation for our work?”
“I guess I should explain.” Misato said.

Gendo Ikari sat back in his leather chair. The current commander in charge of NERV was busy comtemplating his next move. No doubt, SEELE had started to catch on to his plans to initiate his own version of 3rd Impact and would move to saobotage him. But he was prepared. Ikari was always prepared. He had the situation well under control; he had the pilots well under his thumb and his chief scientist, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi was willing to do anything for him, and it seemed to include things in the bedroom as well. (What those things are, however, is none of my damn concern, for the thought of Gendo Ikair geeting it on with Ritsuko makes me irritable.) Nothing would stand in the way of his ultimate goal: His reunion with Yui. now it should be noted that he actually hadn't thought out how he would explain to his wife why he needed to seduce both Ritsuko and her mother in order to get back to her, but maybe someone else can dream up that scenario.
It was then that a noticeable commotion caught his attention. Someone outside his office was putting up a struggle. Must be another disgruntled lab tech. Ikari had dealt with many a disgruntled employee before. Usually, blackmail or bribes was the best way of keeping them in check. What he wasn’t prepared for was the sight of his son Shinji kicking the door down & stomping towards him.
“What are you doing coming into my office unannoun…”
Gendo was definitely NOT prepared for the following: with great speed, Shinji ran towards his father and lept into the air at him. The last thing that Gendo hard before the attack was Shinji bellowing “FALCON…PUUUNCH!!!”
No one knew when Shinji found the time to learn the attack, or how to execute it properly. The point however, is this: Shinji’s fist was wrapped in flame and it connected right in the side of Gendo’s face, sending him flying towards the back of his room. It should also be mentioned that Gendo immediately lamented the location of his office as he was sent flying through the glass window, into the area below.

Several days later, in Central Dogma, as the Bridge Bunnies (also known as Makoto, Maya and Shigeru) worked on maintaining the MAGI systems, Deputy Commander Fuyutski and Dr. Akagi were talking about the strange events that were occurring around Tokyo 3. “It’s happening all over the city, apparently.” Ritsuko explained. “Spatial distortions seem to pop up out of nowhere and people walk right out of them, and from the looks of it, it seems they came right out of a desert wasteland.”
“Katsuragi did mention that she had a visitor in her home from another world a few days ago,” Fuyutski said, “but I chalked it up to just another beer induced memory. Then again, it would explain the giant robot battles we seem to be mixed up in.”
It was that moment that Gendo entered the area. He was heavily bandaged and his arm was in a cast. He looked as if he had gotten into a fight with a bear and lost. Badly.
“Good lord!”
“What the hell happened to you?!”
It was at that moment that Gendo noticed Shinji had entered Central Dogma and was glaring a hole into him.
“That is irrelevant.”
Gendo sighed. It was bad enough that his son hated his guts (and when you think about it, you can’t really blame the kid; Gendo had, for the most part, treated the kid like shit.) To have Shinji Ikari, a mild mannered boy and whipped into literal submission by Asuka, completely and utterly kick his ass was something he would not be able to live down. As he needed the boy to initiate 3rd Impact, there was very little he could do.
Well, it can’t get any worse than this!
It was then that Asuka chose this as the best time to attack, whacking Gendo on the side of his head with a golf club. As he crumpled to the ground in a heap, he was forcibly grabbed by the collar of his shirt and repeatedly punched in the face by the enraged girl.
I WAS WRONG!!! I WAS HORRIBY WRONG!!!“WHERE”S MY MUTHAFUCKING MONEY BITCH?!” Asuka bellowed as she procedded to physically destroy Ikari.
“Should we call security?” Fuyutski asked.
“No way! I‘m enjoying this!” Ritsuko smiled as she held up her cell phone to tape it all.

A few more days later, Gendo sat in his wheelchair, covered head to toe in bandages as the newly commissioned Commander Fuyutski said “I warned him that denying the pilots a steady paycheck would lead to trouble. That’s the basic rule of maintaining a well oiled defense machine, keep the soldiers happy.”
“It also doesn’t hurt that Asuka’s collaboration with this Yoko Littner on the weapons has increased their effectiveness 120%. Speaking of the pilots, have you seen Ayanami?” Deputy Sub Commander Akagi asked Fuyutski. For the most part, Ritsuko enjoyed her new position.
“I was gonna ask you the same thing. I haven’t seen her in a while. And I’ve yet to hear from SEELE”

Keele regretted many things that moment. Like inviting all the secret members of SEELE to his private headquarters to discuss how to handle Ikari. It was that decision that proved to be quite troublesome, seeing as how 99.9% of them all laid dead on the floor, slashed to death. Before him stood Rei Ayanami, who somehow tracked them all down and killed all of his private security with a very large nodachi before breaking into their chamber. Rei had made a beeline towards him as she spoke. “So, Keele, I suppose you didn’t expect to find yourself in this predicament, did you?”
“Wait a second, Rei, we can talk this all out, can’t we? You must understand…”
“Silence, Keele. Your organization claims to be doing mankind a favor. And it seems your methods are extremely questionable. You constantly put our lives in danger, you manipulate the masses into doing your insidious bidding and through your actions, you initiated an event that has killed off a majority of the world’s people.”
Rei raised her blood stained nodachi high as she said “As if the other crimes you commited are not bad enough, your organization has the gall to expect me to quietly submit to your will to make mankind evolve and use me to initiate another apocoplyse…and you don’t even pay me?! JUST WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!”
Unfortunately, Keele could not answer that question as Rei had decided it would be a pristine time to decapitate him.



The creation of this story actually stemmed from a series of postings over at the Rei Ayanami message boards. In the Evangelion section, thre was a picture of Yoko wearing a plug suit and from there, a couple of role playing messages came, the funniest was after Yoko asked if the Eva pilots even got paid. That, of course, got my gears rolling and the rest, as you can see, speaks for itself. And I did this all in one day.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...



OMAKE!!!

Bonus Scene 1- Just what was that thing doing in the closet anyway?

“You know, that friend of yours, he reminded me a lot of Simon.” Yoko said to Asuka as he sipped her tea. Asuka perked up and said “You mean that kid I just saw passing through? Well, I can see the physical resemblance. Just what is he like?”
“A bit of a shy guy. He’s a good pilot but he only gets better if you piss him off.”
“Yeah, they’re exactly alike.” Asuka sighed.
“I’ve also been meaning to ask you about this.” Yoko held up the black leather whip she found in Asuka’s closet and Asuka replied “Yeah, that…it’s Misato’s whip.”
“There’s a funny story behind this I gather.”
“Funny as in deeply troubling. One night, Shinji and I had got home late and caught Misato and Kaji in the middle of something…kinky. Candles were involved.”
“Ok, that was more than I needed to hear. But why do you have it?”
“Let’s just say there are many other things Shinji is good at.”

Bonus Scene 2- Try this on for size!

Maya couldn’t believe it. It was a sight she would never, EVER forget.
Ritsuko and Maya had visited the Katsuragi residence to celebrate the new promotions that she and Fuyutski had received. At some point in the party, Ritsuko had disappeared into Asuka’s room to take a phone call. When she didn’t return for 10 minutes, she decided to see what was keeping her.
Opening the door, Maya’s jaw dropped; Ritsuko had just finished putting on the discarded items that Yoko left behind; namely her bikini top and shorts. “Oh, uh, Maya!” Ritsuko blushed. “There’s a perfectly good reason why I’m dressed like this. See, I was just on the phone with Aoba who had called me about a minor problem with MAGI and I saw this outfit on the floor. I thought it was unusual for someone like Asuka to have this so…”
Maya, nose bleeding, just kept on drooling.
“So, you want to have sex now or what?”

Bonus Scene 3- No, I didn’t forget about you.

Gendo Ikari laid in the bed, a full body cast covering his entire body. He had possibly the worst week of his life; Not only was he beaten to within an inch of his life by Shinji and Asuka, but he lost command of NERV, and was beaten to near death by Rei with a crowbar, after she went on a killing spree against SEELE. There was no way it could get any worse.
That’s when it did get worse. Te door to his room opened, and wheeling himself in was one Touji Suzuhara, accompanied by Hikari Horaki. And both had bonesaws.
“We need to talk about my previous employment.”

As you can see, I have no problems doing stupid violent humor...
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