August: It was all his fault, why is his hand on my thigh, you've made my day, I've always wanted to bathe in chocolate sauce and FUCK THEM BOTH!
WARNINGS: Chocolate sauce, sexy guys, fighting, drinking, swearing etc. etc. Anything you can imagine or can't really.
To my reviewers: ThreeCheersForMCR_x - I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything you wanted. But this was all I could think to do for your request. I really hope you all enjoy. Sorry it took so long, I just couldn't get it right. Now it's perfect, I hope you think so to :)
Chapter nine: August - Disintegration
Tuesday, August 1st
It's been so long since I've weighed myself, I don't want to disappoint, so I ain't gonna do it, 12 beers (mmm, good I guess), 900 cigarettes (bite my ass), 0 joints (meh!).
6 p.m. So much has happened over the past few days that I don't even know where to begin. My life finally gets exciting and I'm to busy to record it in my diary. You know, documentation is important. It's proof for when I'm old and senile that I actually did once have a life.
Okay, so flicking through the pages I notice the last thing I wrote about was that day at the bar with my Uncle, well since then, I decided to get my life back on track. No more childish experimentation shit.
My first step was the old "Frank who?" routine. As far as I was concerned, the guy and his little pink belt are out of my life.
I don't care if all the evidence points to the fact that he is in fact my mystery text messenger, I don't believe it. Not for a second.
Frank doesn't care about me, he doesn't joke around like my texter did and he certainly wouldn't take the time to notice my belt buckle. Speaking of which, I am unable to find my bat belt buckle. This infuriates me. But I do digress ... um - where was I?
Right, so Frank is out of the picture. That's it, no more. I haven't seen him since the bar that day and I don't intend to. I don't know him, he doesn't know me - we don't get along, it's that simple and that's the way things are going to stay.
Once I had all that finalized, my next line of business was to work on my relationship with Bert.
If I'm going to be completely honest I will admit that yes, for some unknown reason, I do find myself attracted to the guy. But he's the first real friend I've ever had that is so intense. He's taken care of me, he parties with me when I need someone to hang with and for the most part, he's just fucking fun to be around.
Yet, I know now that my attraction to him is purely due to the fact that I'm lonely and he's just there. He's always just there. If ever I need someone, I can always rely on him to be just a door knock away.
So, to fix it and make myself once again 100% straight, I needed to cure my loneliness. If I'm not lonely then I won’t go running to Bert and then regrettable and awkwardly confusing things wont happen. See, simple as chips.
And that about leads me to what I've been doing the past few days. Fixing my one and only problem. Curing my loneliness.
At first I had no idea what the hell I was going to do to fix that small problem. I couldn't exactly rock up to the local supermarket and buy an imaginary friend to keep me company, I needed something real.
Then I remembered, the only time I didn't feel lonely was when I was in a relationship with someone. And the last person I was in a relationship with was Amy. For two whole years.
As far as I was concerned Sarah was now completely out of the picture due to the fact that one of her friends 'supposedly' had a thing for me, even though I still haven't figured out who it could possibly be. Naturally, I only had one person left to turn to ... and that person was Amy.
Now I think you're officially caught up.
Frank is forgotten, Sarah is back to being just a friend, Bert is back to being my pot supplier and party liaison only and Amy is back in my life once again. But we're taking it slow, just friends for now. Still, I think things are finally as they should be. After all, everyone always said the two of us were destined to be together, maybe they were right.
Sure, Amy and I had our problems in the past but I think we can work most of those out. Plus, I'm really surprised because she's actually putting in a lot of effort this time around.
When I practically went crawling back to her, I honestly thought she was going to rub my face in it. I could just picture her saying, "See, I told you you'd eventually come crawling back to me when you realised you would die alone." As it just so happened, she did nothing of the kind.
"Let's just take it slow and we'll see how it goes. I did miss you though," was actually all she said.
Taking it slow? I can live with that.
For the first time in my life I feel that there is actually some hope and that I won’t die all on my own with no one to notice or even care. Things are finally looking up.
Wednesday, August 2nd
89 kg (OMG! KILL ME!), 20 beers (drinking away my weight worries), 90 cigarettes (good considering), 0 joints, 20 coffees, 800000 green teas (I just don't fucking get it! Where's the caffeine?)
I just got off the phone to Mikey. Honestly, that guy can be so infuriating sometimes. He has officially ruined my good mood!
For starters, he called me at 6 a.m. The conversation was off to a terribly dangerous start before I'd even picked up the phone.
"Fuck Mikey, what the fuck is the fucking deal? It's fucking 6 fucking a.m in the fucking morning. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"I'm sensing that you're angry with me ... but I can't be sure."
"No thanks! But I'm actually quite hurt that you aren't flattered that I wanted to start off my day by hearing your lovely morning voice."
"What do you want?"
Just remembering how early it was gives me a headache.
"Honestly Gee, there's no need for hostility. I was just calling to talk. I hadn't heard from you lately. Not even a text message asking about your little, guitar playing friend Frank."
Ha! Little did he know, that I had grown-up. I was beyond his juvenile games now, I no longer cared about any dirt he had on Frank.
"I'm over that Mikes. To tell you the truth, I don't really care."
"Oh ... and to think I was actually going to tell you. What happened? You two have a fight?"
"Mikey, why did you call so early? Couldn't this have waited till a more decent hour?"
"I was excited Gee! I was walking through my school yesterday when I spotted a phone number on the school bulletin board."
"Well good for you Mikey -"
"Thanks, but I'm not finished yet. It was the number of your little secret admirer Gerard! I know who it is! And I've got to say, it all makes sense now. I can't believe we didn't figure it out sooner!"
I just sighed loudly into the phone. Mikey didn't know that I had done some serious growing the past few days. I no longer cared who this mystery person was. If they were too childish to come and talk to me face to face, then they weren't worth talking to.
Wow! That was a really grown-up thing to write. Well done Gerard!
"You seriously don't want to know whose number it is?" Mikey asked, sounding slightly crushed that I didn't share his excitement.
"Oh ... well, guess I really did call you this early for no reason."
"Fine, I'll talk to you later then."
With that Mikey hung up the phone leaving me in a terribly bad mood. Not only because he rang up so early but because ... I NEED TO FUCKING KNOW WHO THE NUMBER BELONGS TO! I NEED TO FUCKING KNOW WHAT HE KNOWS ABOUT FRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!
No! ... NO! I don't ... I've grown up now. I don't need to play these childish games.
YES I DO, WHO THE HELL AM I KIDDING!!!!!
Come on breathe Gerard, just breathe, we can get through this...
...Fuck you Mikey!
Thursday, August 3rd
My heart has officially burst out of my chest and run off into the mountains screaming. What the hell just happened?
Okay, I know, you have no idea what I'm talking about, so I'll explain. I just have no idea where to begin.
So this morning, I got up, got dressed and even combed my hair. It was a great start to what promised to be a fantastic day. That was before today's art lesson.
Mr. Barry was in a good mood, which should have been my first guess that something was very wrong with the planet alignments. Yet, as usual, I never really can seem to notice all the signs that something terrible is going to happen. Even my stars read:
"Something terrible is going to happen today. LOOK OUT!"
It was a practical day to, which meant I got to work on my painting all day long, another wonderful blessing - BLAH! That's all I have to say about that.
If I wasn't so happy about waking up in a good mood, having Mr. Barry give me compliments all day and getting to paint for the whole lesson, perhaps I would have noticed that there was something seriously wrong.
Marcus, as far as I am concerned, was the instigator of the whole thing. Naturally he was doing his painting right next to me, just so that he could shoot little comments here and there to put me off my work, or perhaps it was to make me swear at him loud enough for Mr. Barry to hear and kick me out of the college.
It was a good thing Mr. Barry was in a good mood because that's exactly what I had planned on doing.
"Hey Gerard, how's your boy friend Bert going? I tell you what, why don't you just give up on your life now, you've got absolutely nothing going for you," Marcus taunted after Mr. Barry had given me a rather uncharacteristically nice compliment about my work.
"I'm sorry Marcus; I'm rather busy right now. Can I ignore you some other time?"
"Oh very funny, you think you're so smart don't you faggot!"
I don't know what it was, but the way he said it just made me snap. I stopped painting as my brain froze up and I was filled with a very justified, if I do say so myself, anger.
"Fuck you Marcus, what the hell do you know! You know, sometimes, I'd really like to see things from your point of view, but unfortunately I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass!"
I felt fairly satisfied at the effect my words seemed to have on the stupid little jack ass painting next to me, but unfortunately they didn't sit to well with Marcus. Next thing I know the fucking jerk has picked up a tube of green paint, aimed it at me and fired.
Luckily I saw it coming and I managed to duck just in time. The girl behind me was not so fortunate though and the paint squirted out all over her and her artwork.
"YOU RUINED MY WORK ... AND MY FAVOURITE JACKET!" she screamed as the green paint splattered all down her front. It was safe to say she was fucking pissed off!
Not having much else but paint, glue and canvas' in an art room, angry girl picked up the same weapon as Marcus. A tube of, this time, blue paint. She unscrewed the lid and ran at the both of us wildly.
Of course, I didn't want to get paint all over me, I was wearing my favorite jacket to, so I got up off the floor and hurriedly staggered away. As I tired to get escape though, Marcus was just that tad bit too quick for me and he grabbed hold of my ankle causing me to stumble and fall.
But, right before I landed face first on the cold, hard floor of the art room, I tried to save myself, as anyone would do. I reached out my arms to grab a hold of the nearest table, to stop myself from falling completely. If you're guessing something else disastrous happened, you'd be absolutely right.
There was a piece of cloth on the table and I managed to just grab a corner as I fell rather ungracefully to the floor. I heard a boy shout, but it barely registered because at that moment the entire cloth was pulled down with me and the next thing I knew there was a giant sculpture balancing ever so delicately on the end of the table I had tried to grab a hold of. Obviously it had been on the cloth I had pulled, obviously it was now about to follow the cloth I pulled and end up in my lap.
"Oh holly fuck!" I managed to yell right before the sculpture comes crashing down onto my forehead.
Part of me wished that it had of just knocked me unconscious and I could have woken up when the whole mess was just over and done with, but I'm never that lucky.
No, instead I simply cried and moaned as I writhed on the floor from the pain of it all. I could already hear Mr. Barry screaming at Marcus and the girl and I knew my punishment wouldn't be too far behind.
"Get out Gerard! Get out of my class room now!" I couldn't believe he was yelling at me, after all, I was the one crying on the ground with my head split open.
I stumbled around trying to stand up. It wasn't an easy thing to do when you were wrapped up in a cloth and covered in bits of plaster, but somehow I managed.
Still clasping my head, I staggered out of the room and into the hall, once there I sunk back down onto the ground just outside next to the art room door.
My head was bleeding and I felt slightly dizzy, but I was more worried about what my punishment was going to be. How could Mr. Barry blame me? It was all Marcus' fault, was he actually going to get away with this? I was supposed to be his favourite!
All those thoughts raced through my head as I pulled out my phone and dialed Mikey.
"Gee? Aren't you supposed to be in class?"
"Mikey! I destroyed the art room!"
"What? Gee, calm down, what happened?"
With that, I told my brother the story, starting with my good day and ending with how I should have seen this coming.
"Relax Gee, it wasn't your fault. How's your head?"
"Bleeding, but I'll live. What do you think's going to happen to me? They won’t kick me out over something like this will they?"
"What? Of course not. They'll just, I dunno, give you detention or something," Mikey tried to assure me.
"This is college Mikey, there is no detention!"
"Then, I dunno ... they'll take 50 points off Gryffindor?"
At that moment the art room door swung open and the entire class filed out. The boy whose sculpture I ruined was being comforted by one of his friends as he cried into his hands; the friend just glared at me dangerously.
Next, Marcus and the girl walked out covered in paint.
"You're so fucking dead Way!" Marcus smiled.
And then, to my great surprise, he and the girl simply walked off in the direction of the cafeteria. Why weren't they staying behind to?
I couldn't believe it! They had gotten away with it.
"Gerard! Get back in here now!" Mr. Barry called to me from inside the classroom. He sounded furious.
And can you guess what happened next? No you can't, because you probably wouldn't even believe me if I told you that the whole ordeal so far was not the worst part of my day. No, the worst and strangest part was yet to come.
As I made my way back into the art room and took a seat, as instructed by an angry Mr. Barry, all I could do was stare at him in fear as he paced back and forth in front of me. Then, his facial expression suddenly changed and he merely sighed. I should have left right then and there, but I was glued to the spot. Where was the explosion? Where was my punishment?
There was none, instead Mr. Barry walked up to me and gently tilted my chin back. I shivered under his touch. What the fuck was he doing?
"That's a bad cut, you should get it checked out," he said as he examined my bleeding forehead.
I couldn't speak. Why was he so close? Why was he touching me?
"Um, sure ... I'll just go see the nurse now then shall I," I asked. I was just so desperate to get away from the weirdness.
But Mr. Barry just sighed once more as he took a seat directly in front of me, our knees almost touching. I thought a lecture was coming, I thought for sure he was going to tell me I had to pack my things and leave. I was not expecting the ultimate bombshell to be dropped.
"Look, Mr. Barry, I didn't do it. Marcus was being a jerk and then the next thing I know -"
"I don't care Gerard, you're not in trouble."
I just stared, my mouth hanging open.
And then it happened! Mr. Barry just laughed at my stuttering manner as he made it quite clear I was in fact in a hell of a lot of trouble!
But not the kind that would get me kicked out of college, a much different kind.
At that very moment, as he smiled kindly at me, his hand landed on my knee and before I knew what the hell was happening, it moved up till it was resting on my thigh.
It was like I had just been struck by lightning as I suddenly leapt up and out of my seat and pulled away from him.
"Oh shit! I-I just remembered! I left the hair straightener on!"
With that, I ignored Mr. Barry's confused expression as I ran the fuck out of that class room...
...And I kept on running until I made it back to the safety of my own room. Once there, I slammed and locked the door then crashed my back up against it and sunk to the floor-
And I have been sitting here ever since, my heart still slamming itself up against my rib cage and only one thought filling up my head: Why the fuck do I never see these things coming?
Friday, August 4th
Bicep circumference 6 inches (I dunno, is that good?), 30 beers (come on, it's good for a Friday), 800 cigarettes (slight over exaggeration, wait, let me count the empty packets ... nope, sadly that's about right), 0 joints (see, made up for smoking so much by not smoking anything else ... makes sense).
4 p.m. College: My room. I just got off the phone with Mikey and I told him everything. After yesterday he was dying to know what happened to me and so I just poured my heart out to him. The bastard just laughed.
"Your teacher has a major crush on you! You know, you could use this to your advantage."
Stupid little retard! He just doesn't get it. This isn't a good thing!
Clearly he understood my distress because he then said something that made me forget all about the unspeakable events in the art room yesterday.
"You know, I have some news that will cheer you up."
"You do?" At first, I doubted anything could.
"Yeah! You remember how I missed your birthday and I said that I was making it up to you by throwing you the biggest party ever when Mum and Dad went away?"
Doesn't he know that I've already smoked and drank away all of those brain cells.
"Um, vaguely, why?"
"Well they're going away next weekend! I want you to keep Saturday the 12th free and I want you to take the Friday off so you can come here early so we can hang. I promise, it will be the best birthday weekend ever!"
I smiled into the phone. Mikey was so excited. After all, he's not yet legally allowed to drink, he lived for house parties like that where there would be plenty of over 21 year olds to supply him with grog.
His excitement quickly spread, it sounded awesome.
8 p.m. Oh my god! I'm so fucking excited!
Wednesday, August 9th
88 kg (hmmm), no. of visits to gym: 0 (I thought about it though), 5 beers (woah, good for a Wednesday, good for any day really), 67 cigarettes (nice), 7000 coffees (am working on it, I swear!).
Well art class has officially become shit! The one thing I loved about this place is now the thing I hate the most.
Mr. Barry refuses to even look at me, it's like I don't even exist. What's his fucking problem?
Meanwhile the boy whose sculpture I ruined keeps giving me these puppy dog looks as though I had actually killed a member of his family or something. Honestly, I've already apologized, what more does he want from me? If I could sculpt I'd make him another one, but it wasn't even that fucking good!
Still, despite all the shit that's going on, I'm extremely excited for this weekend.
Mikey keeps calling me to confirm guests for the party and every time he does it just reminds me how awesome this Saturday night is going to be.
Amy has already agreed to go so I don't feel like a single loser and I think she's actually more excited then I am. When I told her she was invited, her face lit up.
"Oh good! I missed your birthday because we were fighting so it's good that we can hang out for it this weekend instead."
Hmmm, looking back, I don't think she realised that I was inviting her to a party. A hardcore Way brothers party! There will be no "hanging out", especially not since Bert, Quinn and a few of their crazy friends are coming.
In fact, Bert and Quinn have been knocking on my door 24/7 asking how much pot they'll need to bring; they want to make sure that there's enough for everyone so they don't run short on supplies half way through and disappoint some of the guests.
"Gee, it's so going to kick ass! We've got unlimited supplies of Vodka, Ben said he's buying a keg, I got a piñata for us and I even filled it with liquor filled chocolates and my friend Bob said he'd be a DJ for us."
At Mikey's words I simply couldn't sit still all day long. This weekend was going to rock!
Sunday, August 13th
I'm lying here, on the floor in my parents lounge room wondering how the hell I'm going to get my aching, hung-over head to stop throbbing long enough for me to get up, get Mikey up and clean up what is no doubt the worst fucking mess I have ever seen in my whole life!
Once again, the only thought in my head: WHY DID I NOT SEE IT FUCKING COMING?
At first I was just going to roll over and go back to sleep, screw writing in my fucking diary! Yet, so much happened that I felt I needed to write it all down just so I could sort through my cloudy thoughts and actually break down the night and figure out what the hell went wrong!
I still can't even figure out what was real and what was just an illusion from all the booze.
First off though, I think I should note that Friday night was perfect. It was just me and Mikey hanging out, just like old times. We watched some horror films, drank whatever alcohol we could find and ate junk food. He even got me Mc Donald’s pancakes for breakfast on Saturday morning.
Should have known it was all too good to be true.
On Saturday, Bert and Quinn arrived early enough to take me out so that Mikey could get the last few touch ups done to the party. Apparently there were still a few surprises he had arranged for me.
When we arrived back at the house a few hours later, a large number of guests were already there. Including Amy, who looked quite pissed off that it wasn't just an intimate little gathering that would allow her and myself plenty of quite little romantic moments together.
Mikey's friends were there, my old school friends were there, any relatives we had that were our age were there; it was a great turn out. And, what was even better, everything Mikey promised was there as well. His friend Bob was a fantastic DJ and there was so much alcohol everyone was on their phones within the first half hour, calling up their friends to come help us drink it all and party. I personally didn't care if I didn't know half the people that were turning up, when I was drunk, I made friends easily.
Oh and another thing, I finally met Alicia, the girl that is slowly taking my brother away from me. The moment she saw me, she handed me a bottle of Vodka and wished me a late happy birthday.
The moment she put that cool bottle of alcohol in my hand, I loved her! Mikey's never leaving her!
Still, by far, the best part was the huge bowl of chocolate sauce that Mikey had set up in the middle of our parents dinning room table, just for me.
"It took me ages to pour all the tubes into that bowl," he claimed proudly.
"Mikes, I love it!" I shouted at him and, I really did.
I love chocolate sauce, always have, it's probably my favourite thing in the world. I used to have it with everything! In hot chocolate, on ice cream, with fruit, everything and anything! When I was five years old I had claimed that it was my ultimate dream to be able to bathe in the stuff. The bowl was almost big enough ... almost.
It was a reminder of how much Mikey actually knew me, of just how much this party was going to rock having; not only my brother, but my best friend throw it for me. It was the best surprise ever!
"I knew you'd love it," Mikey claimed proudly as I just stared at the giant bowl of chocolate sauce with misty eyes.
"What are we going to do with it though?" I just had to ask him.
"Meh, I don't know, swim around in it? Who knows. It's fucking cool though."
I simply had to agree...
And then it happened.
As Mikey and I stared at the bowl of chocolate sauce remembering our childhood, I suddenly caught site of my brother looking up towards the large kitchen window that over looked our front yard. As he looked up and out into the yard, his face dropped.
"Gee, please tell me you know those people."
I followed my brothers’ eyes to see what he was looking at. Out the window you could see our street and our parent’s massive front yard. It was already full of heaps of kids drinking, laughing, dancing and having a good time.
Yet, I could see what Mikey was looking at immediately. A dozen done-up, fancy looking cars had just entered the street and as they pulled up out the front of our house at least 5 people got out of every vehicle. People I didn't want at the party!
"OH SHIT!" I shouted as I recognized several of the newcomers.
They were the jocks from college! They were Frank Iero's friends. They were Marcus' brother Chris' friends. They were definitely not invited.
"Gee, what the hell?" Mikey asked, looking confused. "I swear I didn't invite them!"
It was then a thought struck me hard, nearly knocking me out. Somehow they had caught wind of the party, how could they not? Several people from college were here, most of whom hung out at Ben's parties. There were jocks at those parties that Ben went to! Spread the word and you will eventually end up with gate crashers. In this case, shit loads of gate crashers!
I just turned to my brother looking defeated.
"Mikey, we've done a lot of things in our lives, yet I think it's safe to say that this is without doubt the stupidest thing we've ever done!"
How could we have organized a huge party like this and not have expected something like this to happen? So, so stupid.
"I'm going out there to sort them out," Mikey announced. "I'll take Bob with me, that guys a hard ass."
"I'll come to," Ben announced, walking in on our conversation about half way through, a little tipsy already. He puffed out his chest as though he was about to do the bravest thing he had ever dared to do.
I just nodded numbly as I realised I needed a fucking drink!
From the window, I watched Mikey, Bob and Ben approach some guy from one of the cars. There was a lot of over exaggerated hand gestures, but of course I had no way of making out what they were saying. Finally the three of them came back into the house looking slightly agitated.
"Well, apparently someone put an invitation up on your college notice board. We so should have seen this coming Gee," Mikey announced as I just rolled my eyes.
"And? Are they leaving?" I asked, knowing that the chances of that happening were very slim.
"No, but Bob had a word with them. He scared the shit out of them all, it was quite funny. They're not leaving, but they're promising to behave. Guess its better then nothing."
Mikey can be so naive at times. Still, for the most part, Bob kept them all in check. I'd never even heard Mikey mention this guy before but he was a champion and by the end of Saturday night it felt like I had known him forever. But that was later ... first of all, the party details...
By 9 p.m. the house and yard was an absolute mess.
Plastic cups littered the floor, bottles of beer and vodka were smashed on the road and footpath, naturally though, I didn't really care. We'd thrown parties before, that sort of stuff always happens, we'd already expected it, and for the most part, the jocks behaved themselves, so it wasn't going all that badly.
"Who wants to play drink the beer?" Bert announced as he waved his glass around drunkenly. Nearly all of the contents sloshed out onto his nice, clean shirt.
"Oh, I do!" Mikey and I both seemed to shout in unison.
By this time Amy was hanging off my arm, demanding my attention, she just scowled at me as I sloshed some of my beer dangerously close to her fancy shoes.
"Cool, let's fucking drink then!"
Myself, Bert, Quinn, a few of their friends and my little baby brother Mikey all sculled our beers in a matter of seconds. I almost tumbled over at the effort and excitement of it all.
"YOU WIN!" Bert cried out happily as he pointed at me.
"I do? What do I get?"
Quinn shoved another beer into my hand as I giggled. I liked the game, it was easy! By the second round Amy had had enough and she walked off to go and join a few of her cheerleading friends, leaving me alone to really let my hair down.
In a matter of minutes I could feel the alcohol messing with my head.
"New game, it's called STREAK!" Bert screamed as he pointed towards my pants. "You have to take off all of your clothes and run around naked."
I was so wasted I just smiled at him and began to do what he had instructed. After all, to an alcohol clouded mind, it sounded like a fucking awesome idea. Besides, Mikey was gone, showing off his girl friend to everyone, so I was so going to get away with it.
Yet, as I grabbed hold of the waist of my pants and started to undo them, I felt a hand grab my arm and pull it away from my belt buckle.
"Errr, trust me Gerard, you'll regret that later."
I looked up to see who had saved me from humiliating myself in front of everyone I had ever known only to find myself staring into the faces of Frank Iero and his stupid little girl friend, Sherry. The loud mouth from Bens' party that I refuse to accept as a human being.
"Frank fucking Iero ey? What the hell are you doing here?" I drunkenly questioned as I pulled my arm out of his grip. Still, all thoughts of taking my clothes of were suddenly ripped from my mind.
The first thought that hit my disorientated brain was that the guy didn't even know what he was at the party for. He had just dragged his girl friend along to some guys party cause he was bored with his perfect little life. He didn't even know that he was there to celebrate my birthday!
Still, the worst part of it all was that Frank Iero was at my fucking house!
I don't know why but there was an odd feeling in my stomach at this thought. I don't know whether I was pissed that he was seeing where I lived and grew up in, or whether I was actually excited.
Why the hell would I be excited? The alcohol, it was the alcohol! Fuck!
It didn't matter though, the next thing I remember I gave the confused, yet slightly amused, looking Frank a dirty look before stumbling off to find Mikey. It wasn't the last I saw of the guy though; his face was a rather frequent occurrence the entire night.
"Dude, where's Bert?" Mikey slurred at me as I accidentally bumped into him. I didn't even realize I had been anywhere near him, but there I was, bumping shoulders with my brother.
"Hey little bro, no fucking idea though ey. Let's fucking chuck this shit out!"
"Huh?" Mikey just stared at me in confusion, his eyes slightly unfocussed. I just giggled and hugged him tightly. I had never seen my baby brother this drunk before, it amused me.
"You having fun though Gee?" he asked, his face suddenly dropping as though unsure whether he had come through for me or not.
"Fucking fuck Mikes. I'm fucking having the best fucking time ever! I fucking love you! You're the best fucking brother in the world!"
I hugged him again, least I think I did. I may have hugged the person next to him by accident though, I can't be too sure, I was already fairly wasted and I was sure that the last time I checked it was only about 9:30 p.m.
"What's Frank keep lookin' at you for?" Mikey suddenly questioned me out of the blue.
I looked up to see Frank quickly glancing away from me. It was a strange look, he was nervous! I could tell. The way he bit on his lower lip, the way he kept glancing at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I didn't know the guy all that well, but something was definitely up.
"Fuck him Mikes, I don't care. I'm going to eat some of my chocolate sauce!"
It was all I could think of. I was so smashed I didn't want to think negatively about the looks that Frank was giving me, so I simply walked towards the open door of the house and headed, first, for the bathroom, I was fucking busting.
By this stage, inside the house was just as bad as outside. Smashed glass was everywhere, empty cans were lying on any empty bench space that could be found and people just stood around in groups laughing drunkenly at each other.
After I'd taken what was probably the best pee of my life, I stumbled to the sink to wash my hands. A group of people I didn't really recognize stood just up the hallway, the moment I stepped into their line of vision, I heard someone call out my name.
"Yeah?" I questioned disorientated as for a moment I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. "Oh ... It's Frank fucking Iero again!"
He flinched as I drunkenly spat out the pet name I had taken up for the night.
"Um, yeah, that's right. Without the fucking though, my middle name is actually Anthony."
I just stared at him incredulously, or perhaps I was staring just beyond his shoulder, I'm not really sure. My eyes weren't really all that focused by this stage.
"Okay, look, you don't like me Gerard, I can tell, so I'm just going to come straight out and say it. Are you seeing Bert McCracken?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Yet, it was to be expected, after all, he had overheard our conversation in the bathroom a little while ago.
"No! I'm fucking not Frank!" I meant to sound angry, the words certainly had the potential, but I'm pretty sure I giggled them out instead. This seemed to give Frank the confidence he needed to say whatever else he had been meaning to say.
"You sure? Cause, I mean, I've heard some things and I just thought that, if you liked him or if you were with him then you had the right to know that I just saw him all over some other guy in your bathroom."
I believe at that moment something inside me shattered into a million pieces. I'm not even sure why. Perhaps it was the alcohol making everything so much more dramatic then it really was, I can't be sure, because at Frank's simple words I thought my world had come down around me.
Me, I was making amends with Amy, I shouldn't fucking be feeling jealous that Bert was off with some other guy. Yet, for some reason, it ruined me.
"Gerard? You okay?" Frank asked me, as he inspected my face closely, there was a deep sadness in his eyes as though telling me the words that had just ruined my night really hurt him to. As if he fucking cared!
"No! I'm not o-fucking-kay Frank!"
I do believe at that moment that I hurriedly walked past him, lowering my shoulder to bump against his roughly before storming off back outside.
At that moment I needed a friendly face, I needed someone to cheer me up. I desperately searched, but there was no one seeking me out, no one cared that I was upset.
Mikey was making out with Alicia on the grass in the middle of the lawn, several of his friends stood around, egging them on loudly. Ben saw me and waved, but then quickly returned to the preppy girl he was talking himself up to rather unsuccessfully. Quinn was off to the side chatting up another girl I had known since primary school, last I heard she left college because she had a kid, I had no idea if Quinn knew what he was in for or not but I was in no position to tell him because at that moment I saw Bert with his arm around some guy and I just flipped out.
I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't just the fact that I was clearly jealous and I had no idea why, it was also the fact that Bert was being so open and out there with this guy, yet with me, he always had to do everything in secret. Why was he so ashamed of me?
Drunk and angry, I trotted off across the yard and headed for the one place I used to go when I was upset as a kid. The park, just a few blocks up from our house.
I'm really not sure how the fuck I got there, all I can remember is stumbling towards the swings before tripping over, apparently nothing, and then not being able to find the strength to stand up again. I simply lay there and I think I possibly passed out, I can't be to sure, I remember staring at the starry sky and then the next thing I knew-
"Gerard! Fuck! Come on, get up man, your brother is so pissed at me!"
I groaned as I realised I was unable to stand. In fact, I just started laughing again. I actually found it hilarious that I couldn't move to save myself. That was when I felt myself being pulled to my feet. Well, at least, whoever it was, was trying to pull me to my feet, but I was far too heavy for them and they kept dropping me back down onto the grass.
"Come on Gerard; help me out a little bit. Use your fucking feet!"
Somehow, I don't even know how, I managed to get to my feet. It was then I came face to face, once again with Frank Iero. It was thanks to him that I had managed to get to my feet. But I wasn't about to bend down on one knee and praise him just yet, it was his fault I had stumbled off to the park in the first place.
"Get away from me Iero; I don't want to talk to you!"
But he didn't let me go and I didn't try and shove him away cause it was at that moment I realised that I probably wasn't going to be able to walk back to the party without his support. My leg had fallen asleep on me and it didn't feel like it had any intention on waking up anytime soon.
"My leg's sleeping," I giggled as Frank pulled my arm around his neck and lowered his hand to my waist, grunting at the effort of having to practically carry my entire weight. I must admit, he did well. The guy's pretty much 5 foot fucking nothing and I'm not exactly the lightest person around.
"Gerard, I'm sorry I told you that shit, I didn't think you'd run off! Your brother was so angry at me when I told him I couldn't find you. He was afraid you'd get hit by a car or something."
I felt a great sense of love for Mikey at that moment. He really did take good care of me. I was the oldest, wasn't I supposed to take care of him?
As we stumbled back to the party together my foot slowly began to reawaken, which was a good thing, because the moment I saw Bert heading into the house, something just seemed to snap inside of me and I pushed Frank away from me and marched off after him.
"Bert! Fuck you!" I shouted, the moment I walked through the front door.
There were more people in the house then outside now and at my words, everyone stopped to stare at me, smiles plastered on their faces.
"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" some people started chanting. And I don't know why, but I was so caught up in the moment that I figured it would be a bloody good idea.
If Bert saw it coming, he certainly didn't make any effort to defend himself, because I staggered towards him and simply lunged at him. I'd been in drunken party fights before, but this was different. I liked Bert, he was my friend, I didn't want to fight him, but for some reason I just started to take all of my anger out on him.
"Come on Gerard, you can do better then that!" I looked up to see who was egging me on and was surprised to see it was Chris, Marcus' brother. He wasn't doing it to be nice, he was laughing, mocking me.
"Fuck you!" I shouted and before I knew it I had abandoned Bert and dove at Chris instead, the fucking boxer!
It was lucky that at that exact moment I felt firm hands wrap themselves around me and pull me backwards, causing myself and whoever had grabbed me to go crashing down onto the ground.
"No Gee, bad! Trust me ... Very bad!" Mikey scolded from next to me as though I was a misbehaving puppy.
I finally looked around to see what was going on. Quinn was trying to help Bert up, Mikey was lying next to me (clearly being the one to pull me backwards, away from Chris and an untimely death), and then I looked up to find that Frank was holding a fuming Chris at bay. What the hell was happening?
"Gee, you fucking moron, what was that for?" Bert protested from his position on the floor.
"Shut up Bert, don't fucking talk to me."
Then, the next thing I know, Bert pulled back a fist and swung, connecting with the side of my face. I paused, only for a moment, realizing just how much it fucking hurt, but then I was filled with that drunken fury again and I ignored Mikey’s shouts of warning as I once again lunged at Bert.
Apparently I caught him by surprise again because he fell backwards into Quinn who staggered and fell against one of the tables my parents kept a few of their expensive vases on. Typical right. Two of them fell and shattered into millions of tiny pieces, but still Bert and I fought on.
I lost track of Mikey in all the fighting, especially since by that stage everybody at the party was gathered around us, cheering either me or Bert on loudly. Ben was standing on the side lines biting his nails nervously.
Quinn had gathered his composure by this stage, just enough to rejoin the quarrel, but he didn't attack anyone, he was merely trying to get Bert, who had somehow gotten the upper hand, away from me. Also on the side lines, I could just make out good old Bob firmly holding Chris back, I had no idea where Frank had gone by this stage.
Then there was me, bleeding from somewhere, I could see it on my hands, but still trying to fight a battle I was clearly loosing. That was when I felt my own team player trying to pull me away from the fight just like Quinn was doing for Bert.
"Gerard! Stop! You're going to get yourself fucking killed!"
"I don't care Frank," I shouted, actually recognizing the voice. So this was where Frank had gotten to.
"Let him go Frank! Let them finish each other off," I heard Chris shouting as he tried to pull Frank away from me, whilst Bob was trying to pull him away from Frank.
It was all very confusing, a whole big mess of pulling, shoving and mingled shouting and it was at that moment a great silence fell across the entire house as Mikey suddenly made himself noticeable again as he jumped up onto the kitchen table, grabbed the side of the great big bowl of chocolate sauce and tipped it over.
Bert had me by the collar; a fist pulled back, Quinn was wrapped around his ankles trying to trip him up so he would stop pummeling me. Me, I had one of Franks hands wrapped tightly around a section of the back of my shirt, trying to pull me backwards and away from the fist. Meanwhile, Frank's other hand was being held by Chris as he tried to stop him from saving me another beating whilst Bob was busy trying to wrestle Chris away from Frank so that Frank could continue to save my no doubt already bruised and bettered face. Make sense?
Then, as we spotted what Mikey had done, we all just seemed to stop as the chocolate sauce came towards us seemingly in slow motion.
It hit us like one big fucking sticky wave and we all tripped and stumbled as we lost our footing on the now chocolate sauce covered floor. It was a moment before I could get my bearings and as I looked around I could just make out Quinn laying half on me, half on a fallen Bert, Frank somewhere in between with Bob and Chris just off to the side, not having received the full force of the sauce as Mikey stood over the top of us looking half shocked, half satisfied, his hands covered in chocolate.
"Mikey! What the fuck was that for?" I shouted through the deathly silence that had fallen over everyone. I was sure that they would all have started laughing at us, but apparently they were all just staring in awe at the spectacular site they had just witnessed.
"Um - I dunno ..." Mikey said, actually looking quite shocked at what he had just done. "It was all I could think of to stop you guys from destroying the place and each other."
"Pouring chocolate sauce all over us was all you could think of?" I shouted, the feeling of being so sticky and in a lot of pain aggravating me.
Mikey just stood up straight from his spot on top of the table and put his hands on his hips. At that moment, he looked as though he fucking owned the place and by the looks of things, he really did.
"Well, it worked didn't it? You've all stopped fighting!"
At that moment I heard a high pitched, giggle type laugh and it took me a while to realize that it was coming from somewhere right beside me. It was Frank and the moment he started laughing, Bert, Quinn and Mikey started to. I didn't join in; I simply got up and stormed off towards the bathroom to clean myself up.
It was about that time Amy re-surfaced from whatever hole she had crawled under, but not to see if I was okay, all she said was, "you're an idiot Gerard. And here I'd actually thought you'd grown up!"
By the time I got out of the bathroom, everyone had pretty much gone home. That's the problems with parties that you organize, you have got to be prepared to clean up the mess all on your own. No body sticks around to help the next day.
And, no one did. Mikey, Alicia, Bert, Quinn, Bob and Ben were the only ones that stayed over and are now the only ones that can help clean up this mess. Worst part is, I think the chocolate sauce has gone hard. We're never going to be able to get it off the floor!
Still, if I'm going to look on the bright side, at least my dream came true. I finally got to bathe in chocolate sauce.
Monday, August 14th
86 kg (it was all the throwing up and cleaning up from yesterday that did it), 0 beers (no more ... ewwww), 12 cigarettes (even they turned me off today, am still recovering), 6 coffees (my stomach is very week), no. of bruises counted on body: 25, no. of nightmares in which I drown in chocolate sauce: 4.
1 p.m. My room: College. Well, I guess I should record the details about the aftermath of the party, I mean, I don't want to leave you hanging although I'd much rather forget the whole thing ever happened.
By the time everyone actually got up and out of bed yesterday, it was 2 p.m. And the only reason for us actually getting up was because one of our next door neighbors was banging loudly on the front door.
"Your front yard is a disgrace, I have a right to call the council and report this mess!" the nosy bitch then stuck her head around the corner of the half open front door and her face dropped. "What the hell is that all over your floor?"
"Chocolate sauce!" With that, I slammed the door in her face.
Like I said, there were 7 people, including myself. Amy had gone home last night claiming that it was my problem and I had to deal with it on my own, "like a grown-up." She refused to help.
Whatever! Mikey's girl friend stuck around to help; I didn't hear her complaining about how we all needed to grow-up. Just goes to show where Amy's loyalties truly lie. Now with me!
Still, the biggest surprise was yet to come. As I walked around the house, picking up one plastic cup and then taking a seat to moan and complain about how ill I felt, carrying on like this for quite some time, we were suddenly greeted by another knock on the door.
"Look, we're getting to the front yard okay; we've got to clean the inside first and - oh!" I had to cut myself off as I realised it wasn't my next door neighbor there to have a bitch again.
"Um hey. I kind of felt bad about leaving last night, so I bought my friend around so we could help clean. Hope that's okay."
I just stood there, unable to believe my eyes or ears. There, standing in my doorway was Frank Iero and a guy I didn't recognize. And trust me, I would have remembered this other guy, his afro was so big I actually wondered if he would even be able to fit it all through my doorway.
Just to make sure I wasn't imagining things, I looked towards Frank again, he looked kind of awkward, but apart from that, there was no sign that he was messing around with me. His offer appeared genuine enough.
"Are you kidding? That would be fucking fantastic!" I finally admitted, signaling that they could both come in. If it was some sort of sick joke, I was in no position to care; we needed all the help we could get.
At first I'll admit that I though they were both going to come in and just start smashing everything else we had, but no, turned out they probably did the best job at cleaning then any of us.
And there was something else to. I hate to admit it, but I just couldn't stop staring at Frank. I mean seriously, what was this guys deal? Was he a friend? Could he possibly be a friend? Why did I spend most of the day staring at him?
His friend Ray was a pretty cool guy. I still have no idea where he came from, guess Frank actually does have a life outside of school. A much different life it turns out because the Frank that came to our house yesterday was a much different Frank from what I usually saw at school.
He had on a pair of simple ripped jeans with a band t-shirt that showed off nearly every single one of his tattoos. The guy had hundreds of them and I don't mind admitting that I couldn't stop looking at them, I mean, they were really something else.
Then there was the piercings he had. His lip was pierced, his nose was pierced, even his ears were both pierced with good sized spacers shoved into the holes. His hair was styled so that it sat to the side nicely, yet at the back it was all spiky and messy. And it was then I started wondering if there was more to Frank then I once thought there was. He had certainly caught my interest that day.
Then, and I hate admitting this, as I watched him, probably a bit too much, I realised that every time he smiled, or laughed that high pitched giggle of his, I smiled to. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why the hell was I staring at him so much? And why the hell was I acting like some smitten little school girl?
"Hey, earth to Gee, what you looking at?" Bert asked me as he handed me the dustpan and broom.
"Huh? Oh, what? Nothing!"
Bert just smiled at me and shook his head as he continued to help clean up. And, I'll break from my pathetic ramblings about Frank for a moment just to comment on the strength of Bert and my friendship.
After Saturday night, we ended up sleeping on the lounge together, laughing about our stupid little fight. I mean, the guy had practically beaten me to death yet there we were apologizing and promising to never fight again, then hugging and sleeping snuggled up together as though the whole thing had never happened.
That's why I can't help but find myself always being amazed by Bert, the guy just got me. And the boy he was with the night of my birthday? Well, he didn't stick around. After the fight, Bert pretty much ignored him until he went home, guess it was just some drunken fling.
So, all in all, the party wasn't that bad, could have been worse. And even though I think I've taken a huge step backwards with Amy, I may have just taken a step forwards with Frank. Are we friends now?
Friday, August 25th
87 kg (and there it is again), 16 beers (I stopped for a few days, then apparently I started again), 900 coffees (made up for the fact I didn't have one smoke all day), 0 joints.
4 p.m. College: My room. I can't say much has happened over the past few days. All I can say is my love for my grandmother has grown immensely.
A few days after the party, Mikey rang up almost in tears. Our parents wanted to know where the hell their two favourite vases were (they collected them, god only knows why), if they found out anything had happened to them then they had promised to ground and house bound Mikey for as long as it took for him to do enough chores to earn enough money to give it all back to them to refund the broken vases.
Not having the balls to tell them they were shattered because of the wild, raging and completely out of control party he had thrown for me when they were away, he claimed he had leant them to someone not knowing they were so expensive and so important.
I don't blame him for lying; I would have done the same thing. Plus, it gave us time to try and get them back. Which turned out a much easier task then expected. We managed to find the exact vases in a furniture shop in Jersey; it was just unfortunate that they cost $900 each. Mikey and I did not have that kind of money.
And that was when my grandmother called up to see how her two favourite grandchildren were doing. Mikey broke down and told her everything. The next day, she arrived at the door with the two vases. Mikey presented them to his parents and grandma left with a smile and a wink.
I swear that women has more class then anyone I have ever met. She is truly beautiful. Not to mention that for some odd reason she seems to get what it's like to be our age.
So once again, we get away with it all, well, kind of. After the phone call I had with my Mum yesterday I'm starting to think that it will probably all come back to bite us on the ass eventually.
God Mum can be an idiot sometimes, she was the one that called me and so it was obviously going to be me that picked up!
"Um, yes Mum, that's right. Well done."
"Well, I haven't seen you in so long I've almost forgotten what you sound like, when are you going to come see me again?"
Man, I hated these phone calls. And I had only spoken to her a few days ago. What was she on about?
"Soon Mum, look I've got class, was there anything in particular you called to say?"
It was a lie, I didn't have class.
"Oh, yes there is actually. Samantha, you know, the lady from next door, well she came around last night and she said something very odd."
"Yeah ... what's that?" I asked, not sure whether I should have hung up the phone right then and there as I knew what the bitch next door no doubt would have said.
"Well, she mentioned something about her kids getting chocolate sauce all over her floors and for the life of her she couldn't get it off! So she wanted to know how I managed to get it all off of my floors."
I froze, what the hell where you supposed to say to that?
"What?" I said, as though I hadn't heard her.
"Don't say what Gee, say Pardon. And I said ... Well, she mentioned something about her kids getting chocolate sauce all over her floors and for the life of her she couldn't get it off! So she wanted to know how I managed to get it all off my floors."
She repeated the exact same words she had just told me. I swear I will never understand that women.
"Sorry Mum, no idea what that's about. Anyway, really got to go."
"Oh, right then dear. I'll see you soon then hmm?"
"Sure mum, whatever. Bye!"
Na, looking back, I think it's safe to say Mikey and I have gotten away with this one. We'll be right.
Monday, August 28th
89 kg (you know what, fuck this shit, I just threw my scales out the window ... yes, it's true), 12 beers (depressed, my late grandfather gave me those scales), 100 cigarettes (depressed, just remembered how much my late grandfather must have hated me for only leaving me with a set of scales!), 2 joints (found some pot in my sock drawer, it's still good).
2 p.m. It's weird how things change. I used to walk down the college halls and scowl every time I saw Frank Iero, not we just smile at each other or say a passing "hey, how you doing?". It's actually a really nice change.
Every time I see him though, there's this weird feeling in my stomach. I can't explain it. I guess you could call us acquaintances now, yet several times in passing I've stopped or he's stopped as though we're about to have a conversation with one another, then I just freeze up not knowing what to say and quickly walk away in the direction I had just come from.
Then, I quickly turn around when I realize I'm going the wrong way and walk back past the extremely confused looking Frank blushing from head to toe at my own stupidity.
Why do I always feel like I need to impress him? At first I thought that it was just because I wanted him to think I was worthy of hanging out with, that I actually was potentially cool and not just some comic book reading art nerd. Yet I don't think he even cares about that!
What is it about Frank Iero that I just can't seem to figure out? The whole thing is just really odd.
Oh, and then there's Amy. Giving me lectures every time I see her about how she'd really thought I'd grown up but after my party, how disappointed she is in me now.
Still, for the most part, she's still talking to me. So I guess I'm still in the progression stage of life ... for now.
Wednesday, August 30th
I can't breath, I don't want to breathe! How could they do this to me? Why does the world keep fucking me around?
I don't want to go into details, I don't want to tell the story this time and I just want this whole cruel life time to be over with.
Everything was going so well.
Frank and I were being civil towards one another, Bert and I had grown substantially after our little feud at my party, Amy and I had gone on an old school coffee date and had gotten along fabulously and I had even developed some sort of respect with a large number of people at college after the fabulous chocolate sauce display at my party.
Then, all that disintegrated when I decided to go for a walk around the college grounds today. I have no idea why, it was just a nice day and I truly felt like a stroll. Sure, I probably should have lied down instead as I was clearly unwell and insane, but since when did I let that get to me?
So there I was, walking and the next thing I know, I turn the corner of one of the buildings and right there, inches in front of me I see something that makes me stop dead in my tracks and my heart loose it's one fingered grip on my rib cage and plummet out down into my foot where it splattered into a messy pile of goo.
All I could see was Amy standing there, holding onto and locking lips firmly and passionately with none other then FRANK!
"What the fuck?" I basically shouted at them, I couldn't help it. I felt so betrayed.
I saw Frank break the contact and push Amy away as he turned to look at me in surprise. Guess the last person they truly expected to be just walking by would be me. Especially considering the sun was out. I think most people figured I was allergic to it or something.
"Gerard? What are you doing here?" Amy asked as she glared at me as though I had just ruined her day. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't even speak. I felt sick.
Without even thinking, I tore my eyes away from them and took off at a run.
"Gerard! Wait! You don't understand!" I heard Frank call out, but there was no way I was going to let either of them try and talk their way out of this one.
I didn't even turn back; I just kept on running to the one place I knew neither of them would follow me to. The library.
I just couldn't believe it! Where did I go wrong? I truly thought me and Amy had been doing well, I truly thought me and Frank had been doing well. I should have known the guy would eventually stab me in the back.
I can't believe she could be kissing him! I can't believe he could be kissing her! And the worst part is, I don't know whether I'm more upset because he was kissing her, or she was kissing him! I'm so fucking angry and I'm so fucking confused and I feel so fucking betrayed by everyone!
And now I find myself hiding in the corner of the literature section of the library, because no one will find me here, hyperventilating because I've just realised that I truly have nothing and no one left.
AN: I'm so so so sorry it took so long. But I was very unhappy with it and had to make it perfect. It's here, I haven't given up on it. And I've made it so long you'll be sick of me by the time you get down to this note.
I'm kind of glad it's over. And it's perfect, exactally what I wanted from it and more. Love to know what you all think hope it continues to live up to your expectations. Next chapter, I have no idea. I think it's the deep one. But don't worry about this ending everyone, it's all part of the plan :)