And That's Terrible
By Lord Raa
Disclaim-me-do: Mr. Cup says I should just kill you now.
Kaolla Su looked at the important message that she'd been sent. The communiquÃ© in question was an official notice outlining the dates of an official Royal visit from the King of Molmol.
"Yay, Daddy's coming to visit!" the blonde smiled happily. Grabbing the briefing documents, she left to inform the other residents about the impending visitation.
All the other residents of the Inn were gathered in the dining room with Keitaro arriving last.
"Su, is something up?" Keitaro asked as he took his place at the table. "Is there anything we can do for you?"
"Everything's ok, silly," the foreign girl smiled as she patronisingly rubbed her landlord on the top of his head. "It's just that my Daddy wants to visit me here in Japan."
"Your father is visiting? Oh that's a relief, we thought that something terrible had happened," Shinobu explained, feeling a little bit silly.
"So what's your father like?" Kitsune asked. "I mean, is he looking for a wife or something?"
"He's an interesting person," Kaolla replied. "You have to understand that he's led a rather sheltered life. He's not travelled as much as I have."
"What's like in Molmol?" Naru asked. "Is your father going to be surprised at high rise buildings and the Shinkansen?"
"Oh no," the princess shook her head. "We have mass transit and parts of Molmol are heavily developed. It's just that he may seem a little bit silly."
"Silly?" Motoko repeated. "In what way? In the same way that Urashima is?"
"Not quite, though he is funny like Keitaro." Kaolla's smile was a little bit...disturbing.
"Su, hun," Kitsune started as she got out of her seat and placed a hand on the visiting princess' shoulder, "I don't think we can handle with another Keitaro around here."
"Oh no," Kaolla insisted. "He doesn't grab or peep on people like Keitaro does, he's just really funny."
"Oh, well what do we need to do when he gets here?" Motoko asked, not wanting to offend the visiting dignitary.
"Just be yourselves. He should be coming in a week's time. I'll get all the details closer to the time."
The time of the Royal Visit arrived and after much hard work on the part of Keitaro, the Inn was looking suitably special for the visiting monarch.
The navy blue suited King and his entourage of three men in black suits arrived at the doorway, with one of his bodyguards knocking on the door.
Keitaro was the one to answer. "Hello, how my I help you?" he asked with a bow.
"I'm here to see what you lot are doing to my baby girl," the grey haired man answered curtly. "Wait, which one are you?"
"I-I'm Keitaro Urashima, Your Highness," the ronin answered, bowing deeply.
"Right, right, Urashima. Jeff, are you taking notes?" the king asked the man to his left.
"I am, Your Majesty. The man is called Urashima."
"Good. Lead on, then Urashima. I want to see what kind of dive you're keeping my precious daughter in."
Keitaro felt a little insulted at the King's words, but led the visitors in. "Welcome to the Hinata Sou All Girls Dormitory."
"'All Girls Dormitory?' Is that like a brothel or something?" the King asked.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-what? No!" the landlord spluttered. "It's nothing like that."
"Oh, shame. I was kinda looking forward to tasting some Jap poontang. Lead on then, I haven't got all day, you know."
"Actually, Sire, you're here for the week. Queen Loli Su will be joining us shortly. She and Queen Mary wanted to do some shopping first," Jeff explained.
"Oh. Well, still, I can't stand around all day, I'm not a young punk like you, Urashita."
"That's Urashima," Jeff corrected.
"What? Oh, maybe I'll get it right later. Still, I want to sit down so someone had better get me a chair!" the monarch ordered. "Oh, I'm King Mamba Su, by the way."
Keitaro was more than a little taken aback by the sudden change in attitude from the king. Still, he took the offered hand and shook it.
"Sorry about that, I should have introduced myself earlier. Now that that's out of the way, where's my chair, bitch?"
"This way, Your Highness," the ronin replied.
Mamba turned to Jeff and another of his guards. "I like this Urashima chap. I think we could have a good laugh here, and if Kaolla's right about there being hotties here, I think it's orgy-on. You guys may have to wait your turn, but that's why it's good to be the king."
"Yes, Sire," the Molmolian Secret Service agents sighed.
Still, it wasn't their place to turn down the Royal Family's invitation to an orgy, and if Queen Mary Su was taking part, well that suited Jeff and his team right to the core.
Keitaro led the King to his tenants where Kaolla took over and introduced everyone.
"Right this is Naru Narusegawa, she's studying to get into Toudai like Keitaro. And this is Motoko Aoyama," the tanned girl gestured to each girl as appropriate.
"Hi there, wait, you're the man-hating lesbians, right?" Mamba asked bluntly. "What's your stance on using dildos? I mean, since you decided to shun the cocks, surely you shouldn't be using them on principle."
"W-w-w-we're not man-hating lesbians!" Naru protested.
"No!" Motoko insisted.
"Oh," the King shrugged, "never mind then. Hey, Kaolla, who's the chick with the great rack?"
"That's Kitsune. She's funny when she's drunk. And this is Shinobu, she's a really good cook."
"A babe who likes to drink? A Lolita that can cook? Man, Urashima sure has it made here," the monarch smiled. He turned to the hapless ronin. "You know, despite the fact that you've not gotten me my chair yet, I like you. You're building quite the harem here. You've got the loli who you're training up, the cute one with the lovely looking breasts and you've the two lesbians-"
"WE ARE NOT LESBIANS!!" Naru and Motoko chorused angrily.
"The two bisexual girls for when you want a three in the bed romp. Marvellous stuff, young man," Mamba declared with an honest laugh.
The Japanese residents of the Hinata Sou looked at each other in disbelief.
Kaolla laughed with her father. "Yeah, he's funny, isn't he, Daddy?"
"Is my youngest daughter trying to tell me that she's found the man she wants to marry?" the King smirked. "I don't mind. Hell, if it makes you happy you can marry that turtle next to the Lolita."
Everyone turned to stare in shock at Mamba Su, all of them trying to make sure that they heard him correctly.
"D-d-did you mean that, Sir?" Keitaro stammered. "Are you sure that you're not bothered who your daughter marries?"
"The correct way to address a reigning monarch is 'Your Highness' or 'Your Majesty,'" Mamba corrected. When the ronin bowed his head in apology, the King of Molmol continued. "In answer to your question, my daughter's happiness means more to me than the opinions of foreign prudes."
"Oh," the Japanese people replied in unison.
"That reminds me," Mamba added with a grin, "You lot seem rather prudish considering the reputation you seem to have acquired over this intermaweb thingy."
"What do you mean?" Motoko demanded, her sense of National Pride seriously offended.
"Well, don't you have anthologies of dirty comics that are basically little boys and girls shagging older men and women? Plus there are those stories of incest," the king replied. "You know the ones, don't you Jeff?"
"I believe that you are referring to the ones where an older female 'relieves' stress of an adolescent male so he can focus on his studies," Jeff explained. "I can't say that I approve of such things, but it's not my place to pass judgement on unfamiliar cultures. After all, I'm sure that you all would disapprove of certain elements of the Royal Marriage Ritual. The Rite of Incursion, for example would probably horrify all but the most sexually experienced here."
"Yes. Plus there's the fact that you can buy girls' used underwear from vending machines and your pornography includes molesting women while they're sleeping and/or ejaculating on their faces. But I can deal with that. Different strokes for different folks and all that jazz. There is something that I've been meaning to mention to someone for some time and you are going to hear it."
Mamba Su started to pace as he continued his diatribe.
"The biggest problem with your popular culture is that it has spawned some truly shocking pieces of 'literature' - I'm talking about writing male characters that are clearly heterosexual, yet these 'fan-fiction authors' insist that they're sausage jockeys! Please, if some bloke tells me that they want to see me dead, it doesn't mean that he wants to suck me off while I finger his ring-piece. Men do not behave like that. Also, I want to know who thinks that it's a great idea to transplant various characters that are from an interesting setting and place them in a High School as if they're regular guys!"
"Sire, I think that you should calm down, your rage levels are getting rather high," Jeff advised. "Your doctor is with your wives."
"You're quite right, Jeff," the King agreed. "My apologies for ranting like that. It's just that this is the first chance I've had to get this off my chest."
"T-that's ok," Keitaro said, hoping that the large man would calm down and not destroy parts of the Inn. "Perhaps you'd like a cup of tea?"
Mamba clapped a hand on his host's shoulder. "You're a decent human being, Keitaro."
"T-thank you, Your Highness."
"But surely what happens in fanfiction isn't the responsibility of the original author," Kitsune countered, intent on defending her fellow writers. "What can be considered 'canon behaviour' might not be considered very interesting once you've completed a story. Most of fanfiction comes from the age old question of 'what if?' and that's why people change certain things."
"There's a difference between 'what if character X had a disability or different powers?' or 'what if character Y was from a different background?' and 'what if character X and character Y went ass-to-mouth every chance they had?' or 'what if the whole cast were in a situation that I'm familiar with? But I'll make things so unbelievably dull and/or unlikely with openly gay characters in High School'," the monarch replied with a small smirk.
"TouchÃ©," the ash blonde conceded. "But I still say that the original authors have no say in what the fans write about."
"Meh, it's not like any of you lot here are into watching gay porn. You're not are you?" Mamba asked, his eyes flitting around in preparation to give the kill signal to his guards.
"Unlike Urashima, we're not perverts!" Naru insisted.
"Urashima," the King barked.
"Yes, Your Highness," the ronin said as he snapped to attention.
"Is it true? Are you a pervert? Do you lust after the residents here? Do you have a stash of pornographic material?"
"You will answer me. Either here and now or later when I have Jeff and his team extract the answers I want from you," Mamba said, his arms folded across his chest.
Keitaro gulped when he noticed the looks he was getting from the black suited man. "I'd rather not answer that right now."
"I suppose I can understand that," the monarch nodded in understanding. "Let's discuss things in your office."
In manager's office, Keitaro removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes as he tried to figure out what the correct thing to say was.
"Well, the thing is, Your Majesty, I don't know what the right thing to say is," Keitaro sighed. "If I say 'yes I lust after my tenants', everyone will want to get rid of me. If I say 'no', then you'd probably say something like 'what? Is my daughter not good enough for you?'"
"You are quite correct about my response, young man. Do you lust after the girls? I mean, that one with the glasses seems like a bitch, so if you don't like her, I'd understand. But the one with the big tits? Man, you'd need a will of steel not to jerk off to that every night. That or you're getting from someone else..."
"Well, Mutsumi's are bigger," the ronin added with an absent, happy look on his face.
"Bigger? Well, that explains why you're not knocking boots with any of the residents. Though, perhaps you should offer the one with the short hair free rent if she sleeps with you. Or at least sucks you off," Mamba smiled. "I would in your position. Hell, I'd have worked my way through them by now. Of course, my name does mean 'Trouser Snake' in Molmolian..."
"..." Keitaro sweatdropped.
"Oh don't look at me like that, Urashima. It's not like I'm going to kill you for having erotic thoughts about young girls, I have them all the time. Hell, my second wife was Kaolla's age when I married her. That was... eight years ago," the lecherous monarch smiled fondly in remembrance.
"..." Keitaro's sweatdrop grew.
"For fuck's sake, what's wrong with you?"
"I just never expected someone to talk about sex like that, especially when it concerns his daughter," the ronin explained. "Are you really ok with me doing _that_ with your daughter?"
"Man, woman, boy, girl, animal, it's all good, Urashima. And to be honest, the fact that Japan has a reputation for eccentric sexual behaviour is one of the reasons I agreed to Kaolla staying here - I wanted her to broaden her horizons," Mamba explained. "By the way, if you give her The Clap or anything, I'll cut your balls off. Is. That. Clear?"
"Crystal," Keitaro squeaked.
"Good. Now, shall we go out there and have our tea and cakes?"
Back in the common room, Kitsune was trying to calm down her friends as they spluttered inappropriate comments about visiting royalty.
"You heard what he said about us, Kitsune! Who knows what perverted ideas he's putting in Keitaro's head!" Naru ranted.
"Well, yes, he wasn't exactly regal and diplomatic, but remember what Su said about him being a bit sheltered? I don't think that we should hold it against him," the ash-blonde said, waving her hands in a placating fashion.
"But still, Kitsune-sempai, I don't think that he should be allowed to encourage Urashima like that," Motoko opined. "Do I really act like a man-hating lesbian?"
"Well, it's not like you've been trying to seduce any of the local men," Kitsune drawled.
"I am not courting 'local men' because they're not worth the effort!" the kendoist retorted angrily.
"But how does Urashima compare?" Mamba asked as he entered the room with his host by his side. "I want to know what you think of him."
"Why?" Naru asked defensively.
"Because I do," the King replied. "You are a feisty one, aren't you? I can see why you'd be popular. I'd bet that many thought that they could tame your wild streak. Too bad you hate cock."
"I don't hate cock!"
"Are you sure you don't hate cock?
"I don't hate cock," the Toudai bound girl growled in frustration.
"So you love the cock?"
"Yes!" Naru snapped. Then what she had said hit her and she wore a blush worse than the one Shinobu had when they caught peeping on Keitaro in the baths.
"Finally, she admits her desires for the male species," Kitsune teased. "I've heard of love-hate relationships, but this was getting ridiculous. But at least she's lightening up now, Keitaro."
"She seems rather...confused, Urashima, I don't think you should bother with that one just yet," Mamba confided. "The Loli looks like a much better option; though I get the feeling you're a breast man."
"You are, aren't you?" the monarch smiled. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to snuggle up to a nice pair of breasts, I remember enjoying that when I was a horny teenager. Hell, I still like do that on long journeys with my wife!"
"..." The Japanese people were unsure what to make of the honest laughter that came from Kaolla's father.
"Oh lighten up, you lot! It's not like I'm dangerously insane and I'm planning on butchering you all for dog food," Mamba sighed.
"But how can you be a head of state with the way you behave?" Kitsune asked.
"I can because Molmol has significant strategic value, because several world leaders owe me favours, and mostly because it's funny as fuck. Now, can we get on with the tea and cakes?"
"Yeah," Kaolla insisted. "Daddy gets cranky if he doesn't get his promised cakes."
Luckily, the Japanese Hinata Sou residents were granted a reprieve in the form of the ringing doorbell.
"I'll get it!" they called out in unison.
As the mob wrestled the door open, they were taken aback by the figure standing before them.
"..." the tall, elegant woman sweatdropped as she tried to make sense of the scene before her. "Hello there, I'm looking for my husband. He's the King of Molmol."
"He's inside. If you'll allow me to show you the way," Keitaro said, trying to keep his voice under control. "May I ask your name?"
"I am Queen Mary Su," the tanned beauty replied. She scanned the group of people and noted that they, like most people on the Royal Visit to Japan, had been taken in by her divine looks. "And you are?"
"I'm Keitaro Urashima," the bespectacled youth replied, his voice breaking as he realised that this goddess wanted to know more about him.
"Ah, I've heard about you, Mr. Urashima. Now while I have a number of talents, walking through solid objects is not one of them," Mary Su smiled.
When the Hinata Gang failed to do anything other than look at the queen with a mixture of blank and lustful looks, she sighed. "Please can you move?"
"Oh, sorry," Kitsune chuckled nervously. 'I know that I like guys, but I'd definitely go dyke for her!'
'Wow! She's so beautiful,' Shinobu thought as she became star-struck. 'If I could look even a tenth as beautiful as that, I could have Sempai all to myself...'
Motoko had decided that the Queen of Molmol was clearly a Warrior-Queen, a noble person that could easily fend for herself in even the male-dominated country of Japan. 'Why must she be tied to...that creature inside? Surely she could rule Molmol by herself!'
Naru reasoned that this was a sign from the gods that she needed to give up on trying to make something out of the nothing that was her relationship with Keitaro and embrace the fairer sex. 'I'm not a man-hater, I'm just a woman-lover...' she thought happily. Then her face fell as she realised that it made her just like Keitaro. "Damn it all, I'm just so confused..."
As the regal woman walked through the Hinata Sou, she felt several sets of eyes roam over her body. 'Still got it,' she mused with a smile on her face.
"Ah, Kaolla, it's been too long," Mary said happily as she saw her daughter talking and snacking with Mamba.
"What, no love for your husband?" Mamba protested good naturedly as Kaolla rushed to embrace her mother.
"Of course I have love for you, Mamba," the queen said, "it's just that I haven't seen my youngest daughter for such a long time."
"I missed you too, Mom," the princess smiled. "How's Queen Loli?"
"She's talking with the lady who runs the teashop on the way up here. I think that she wanted to know about the sort of man that you're living with," Mary answered. "I must say that he doesn't seem as entertaining as you made him out to be, Kaolla."
"Oh but he is, my dear Mary. You just have to know what buttons to press in front of the right audience. For example," the King said as the other residents returned to the room. "Keitaro, what's this I hear about you wanting to see my wife naked?"
"I...err, I can explain!" the ronin insisted as Naru and Motoko turned to face him.
"Keitaro! We've told you about your behaviour!" Naru growled.
"Urashima, what sort of scum are you? You dare debase a member of royalty with your disgusting vices?!" Motoko demanded as she reached for her sword. "You have brought shame on us all!"
Mary giggled, but knew that that particular joke had gone on for long enough.
"It's perfectly alright, you two," she said as she placed a calming hand on each of the enraged girls' shoulders.
Naru whimpered as she felt that confusing mixture of emotions stir up inside her again.
The kendoist was similarly confused. On the one hand, she felt honoured that her new idol, the Warrior-queen, was touching her, but on the other, she felt that Keitaro still needed to be punished. 'Perhaps I could talk her into letting my beat him for her amusement later...'
"I think that Mr. Urashima here is the victim of circumstances," the queen said reassuringly. "Now, why don't we all sit down and have some tea?"
"Yes," Mamba said, "it is delicious cake, you must eat it."
"Oh Daddy, you and your love of cakes," Kaolla giggled as she reached over and sampled some of the baked treat.
At the Hinata Teashop, Haruka was talking with the visiting dignitary.
"So, what's it like being a co-wife?"
"It's good," Queen Loli Su smiled. "I get to go shopping whenever I like and the sex is great!"
"Aren't you a bit young for sex?" the smoker asked.
"I'm twenty-two. I know I look fourteen, but it's because I'm a priestess of Lolionyalapp."
"Yeah," the queen nodded. "She's the goddess of love, marriage and fertility. All of her followers are blessed with youthful looks. If you converted to our religion, you could keep your appearance even when you're in your forties or fifties."
"So this goddess of yours is effectively a fountain of youth?" Haruka asked, expertly keeping a calm expression on her face.
"Yes. But there are a few conditions," Loli said solemnly.
"And they are?"
"1) Regular sex - the nastier the better. 2) You need to spend some time in the Temple of Lolionyalapp. I'm talking about three whole weeks during the height of summer. 3) You must be kind to cats - Lolionyalapp's husband, Gatolargo, is the god of cats."
"I've heard of less palatable demands," Haruka mused. "Is there anything else that you have to observe? You know, like a proscription on tobacco or alcohol?"
"No, not really," Loli answered. "But there you do have to make daily offerings to the gods and goddess."
"What sort of thing is an offering?" the older woman asked. "I mean are they expecting gold and silver everyday?"
"No," the queen replied, shaking her head. "It doesn't have to be much, something like feeding a stray cat or pouring something onto the earth, but they know when you miss one. And one day's missed offering requires three to make up for it."
"Interesting," said Haruka. "Perhaps I'll look into it. But don't you want to see Kaolla?"
"Yes, I'm interested in seeing what sort of man she's living with. I hear he's a lot of fun," Loli giggled.
"You could say that."
"So then, Kaolla, are you going to introduce me to your friends?" Mary Su asked before sipping her cup of tea.
"Yep. This is Shinobu, she's the one who made the cake," the princess beamed before pointing to each of her friends in turn. "This is Naru, she's studying to get into Toudai with Keitaro. That's Motoko, she's good with a sword and that's Kitsune, she drinks a lot."
"Hello," the queen bowed. "Kitsune, you say?"
"Well, my real name is Mitsune Konno, but all my friends call me Kitsune," the ash-blonde girl smiled.
"Ah. Well, it's probably a huge coincidence, but your name actually has a meaning in an ancient Molmol dialect," Mary smiled. "I've recently taken an interest in Molmol's past and its ancient language."
"Oh? What does it mean, Mum?" Kaolla asked as she sat on the floor with her legs crossed. "They didn't tell us much about the Mo'Loli when I was in school back home."
"Well, the thing is, it's really a new area of research. While we know all about Lolionyalapp and Gatolargo and the others, we don't know much about their early worshippers," the queen explained. "A lot of what we know, we've had to extrapolate from ruins and fragments of broken stone tablets, but I was on the expedition that found the Stone of Tongues."
"Stone of Tongues?" Naru repeated.
"It's like the Rosetta Stone, you know, the tablet that enabled people to translate some of the hieroglyphics of Ancient Egypt into languages that they knew, like Greek," Mary explained. "Well, this stone tablet had a declaration written in Mo'Loli, No'Loli and Dowant.
"And as Kaolla should be well aware, Dowant is the archaic form of modern Molmolise. Since our expedition also had a rudimentary understanding of No'Loli, we were able to confirm our translation."
Mamba smiled as he noticed that everyone was paying close attention to his wife's story.
"Anyway, the irony is that your name, Mitsune, would literally be translated into 'Nice Breasts, Don't You Think?' And I think that it's rather appropriate because it's true," the queen explained with a blush on her cheeks.
Mamba laughed loudly, his baritone voice filling the room. "I knew that there was a reason why I liked the Japanese. Mary, does the name 'Kitsune' have a meaning in Mo'Loli?"
"It does," the older blonde nodded. "First off, I'd like to point out that these are only rough translations based on the phonetic sounds of the syllables in your name, not the actual characters used to write them. With that in mind, the name 'Kitsune' _could_ be translated to mean 'My Breasts: No Touching with out proper payment'."
A knock at the door saved Kitsune from further embarrassment. "I'll get it."
While the ash blonde went to see who it was at the door, Mamba moved next to his wife and put his arms around her waist.
"Even now, I still have difficulty believing that a goddess like you wants to stay with me," the king sighed happily.
"You're just the sort of man that I need," Mary smiled happily. "You let me live my own life. Plus the sex is fantastic."
"Well, I do what I can," Mamba chuckled.
"That I do know," a new voice called out.
"Loli!" Kaolla declared as she ran over to hug her stepmother. "I've missed you!"
"I've missed you too, Kaolla," Loli Su smiled.
The second wife of Mamba Su could have passed for Kaolla's sister, with only a more ornate hairstyle, a slightly larger bust and differing tastes in fashion separating them.
"Wait, you're married? To HIM?!" Motoko demanded, pointing angrily towards the bearded man.
"Yeah, we've been married for eight years," the younger of the two queens smiled.
"B-b-b-but you're a child! What kind of monster does that sort of thing to an infant!" the kendoist spluttered with rage.
"What're you talking about? I'm twenty two..." Loli replied. "Oh, you mean getting married at thirteen? Well, yeah, it's less common now, but it still happens among households that worship Lolionyalapp."
"But why would you want to do that sort of thing at that age?" Kitsune asked, not sure what to make of the visiting royals.
"Because I'll have these youthful looks when I'm in my fifties," Loli smiled.
"It's true," Mary Su added. "I know it's hard to believe but I'm forty-one."
"But you look like you're my age!" Haruka exclaimed.
"And you can have boobs this firm too, if you start worshiping Lolionyalapp," Mamba smiled as he gently squeezed his first wife's breasts, much to enjoyment of all present.
Naru whimpered as she felt those troublesome thoughts rise up inside her again. 'I shouldn't be thinking things like that, it's Su's mother for Heaven's sake!'
Motoko felt angry that her warrior-goddess was being molested by that oaf in a crown.
"I will avenge you!" she swore under her breath.
Keitaro felt something moving in his nose as the impressive cleavage was moved. Luckily he looked away to check for bleeding and missed the soft moan that Mary let out.
"They can't be real!" Kitsune snorted.
"Why don't you check for yourself?" Mary whispered in a husky voice.
The ash blonde gulped nervously, but gently touched the breasts all the same. "W-wow..."
"Yes," Mamba smiled as he turned his queen away and out of reach from Kitsune. "If any of you want to examine them more closely, then you'll just have to start doing things to curry favour with the Royal Family of Molmol."
"L-like what?" Keitaro asked nervously.
While he didn't want to upset the father of one of his tenants, especially one that could cause an international incident, he certainly wasn't averse to seeing Mary Su's breasts up close and personal.
"We shall see, my dear Keitaro," Mary winked.
To be continued.....?
This was previewed on Hawk's Forum and pre-read by Chi Vayne, though I opted to post it sooner rather than later because there seemed to be nothing interesting in the LH sections.
That's why it looks like it could do with some polishing.
I may, repeat MAY, get around to correcting errors at a laterer date.
Until that time, you're stuck with this crap :P.
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