OMG! You should most definitely read this. And no one reviews any more. =[
I am lying here, not moving. I haven’t moved in three days, not since what happened. I don’t want to see her, think of her, anything. But do. In fact she is all that goes through my mind. She is freezing me, leaving me here to die. Does she feel the same about me? No, of course she doesn’t. She loves Brendon. I know that, she knows that, so there is no point in pretending she doesn’t.
I feel so sick. Sick to my stomach, my throat hurts, my head aches and my heart lies heavy in my chest. Why? Why does this one girl, this one girl, affect and change me so much. Why does she love Brendon more than me? Was I so terrible that she just couldn’t love me back?
She did, at least I thought she did. But I wanted her to pick me, not have me on the side.
They’ve invited me out to many places, but I’ve told them that I’m ill. Which is true, but not in the way they think. I am very ill.
I get cold, I get hot. I will be freezing one moment, then, as soon as I am under the covers, I feel like I am suffocating from all the heat. I throw off the blankets then and just lay there in a cold sweat. Does it matter? Really, out of all honesty? Who cares about George Ryan Ross anymore? No one.
I can’t hold a real nor rational thought. I haven’t picked up the guitar since we’ve arrived. This is vacation, but we’re still expected to practice. I’ve heard Jon playing the guitar and Spencer practicing the drums. Even Brendon has been singing and playing the piano at the studio. But me? I have done nothing. When we go on tour, I am going to be so bad. The fans don’t care, they just wanted a good show.
I just wanted her.
This is our last night in London before we go back to Las Vegas. Brendon is just so happy. How do I tell him? Do I ever tell him? The way he looks at me, the way he loves me. He’s just so happy. And he’s convinced that he loves me more than music. If only he knew, really knew what I was like.
How I loved them both. But I can’t love them both. I am supposed to love Brendon and Brendon only.
Each time I look at him, he has this exuberance in his eyes, this light, this life that I can’t even begin to touch. He smiles every time our eyes meet.
“You’re so perfect, Alena,” he had said last night after we were done making love. I had my laid on his chest, resting there, listening to the ferocious pounding of his heart.
“No,” I whispered, “I am not.”
“Yes, of course you are. You are beautiful and bright and caring. And you are strong. If only I could love like you, care like you do.”
I was fighting back tears are this point. Guilt was eating me away. Ryan and I had been together, but the worst part was, I still wanted to be together. I wanted us to hold each other again, love each other again, share our deepest and intimate secrets.
He stroked my hair and placed kisses on my neck. “Alena, will you promise me that if I’m not everything you hope and dream for, that’ll you send me away and leave me. Say that you’ll leave me.”
“Don’t you want me to stay forever?” I asked, confused.
“Of course I do. I love you. But if you ever don’t love me as much as you thought you did or if you aren’t happy with me anymore, say you’ll leave me. I would never forgive myself if you had to be unhappy because of me. You know what you mean to me.”
I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t. I meant the world to him, and look what I did… I tired to keep my composure and tried to hold back the tears, but they came out of me, flowing from my eyes onto his chest.
He only held me closer and stroked my hair. “Don’t cry, angel, don’t cry. Please, baby.”
He kissed my cheek tenderly, running his fingers over my tears.
“Brendon, how could you ever love me?”
“Because I do. And I can’t imagine not loving you.”
My heart broke in that instant. I would never forgive myself for doing what I did. Never.
She looks more beautiful each and every day I see her. She makes my heart pound wildly in my chest, just at the sight of her. I want to carry her wherever she goes, just so she never has to walk anywhere. I want to hold her forever, so she never gets cold. I want to be her eyes when she can’t see, her voice when she can’t speak, her ears when she can’t listen anymore. She’s lying next to me, visiting someone in her dreams. She’s off, somewhere far better than here, somewhere magic and romantic.
But I can only lay still next to her and watch her sleep. I don’t want to move in case to wake her. She has such an angelic expression written on her face, one of sheer bliss and comfort. I hope to god that I am in that dream, bringing to her all these wonderful feelings.
But somehow, there is something dark inside me telling me that I’m not.
Dear God, if you’re up there, please place me in that dream. Please, make me her one and only.
But God has no time for me.
“Huh?” I asked, looking up.
“Dude, what are you doing?” Jon asked me.
“You’re just staring off into space.”
“Sorry, I was just thinking.”
We were at McDonald’s waiting for our food. It was just me and him. Ryan was still sick and Alena and Spencer went shopping together, just to bond. I loved her and Spencer. They have really hit it off the last few days.
“What are you thinking about?” Jon asked. He was always so attentive and caring. The world needs more Jon Walkers.
“I figured as much. Specifics, Bren.”
“I want to marry her,” I answered. I looked up and Jon had his mouth hanging open. “I know it’s early. But I can’t stop thinking about her when she’s gone. I want to be hers forever and ever. I want all of her forever and for always and nothing less. I can’t imagine my life without her! Alena is the only one I want. I can’t even think of another woman. I…”
“Then do it,” Jon said.
It was my turn to gape at him. “What?”
“Then ask her. Tell her. Tell her that. Say what you just said to me except to her.”
“She’ll probably want to wait…” I felt my phone vibrate. I had a text message. It was from Alena.
I love you Brenny Bear. Thinking of you!! (:
“She says she loves me and is thinking of me.”
“See, she’s loves you,” Jon said, eating a fry. “Told ya.”
“I’ll text her back and ask her how her day is going.”
“That’s a good idea.”
Hey babe! I love you too! How’s your day going with Spencer?
Oh, pretty good. I got you some nice things at a cool store. I hope you like them!
I will love them. Hey, let’s go out somewhere really nice for dinner.
Yeah, just me and you. You can wear your new dress.
See you at the hotel around 5.
Kay, will do babe.
“So?” Jon asked.
“So, we need to go get a ring.”
“I figured as much,” he said with a sly smile.
There is nothing on TV. Either that, or I’m worn sick of it by now. My guitar is still lying in its case, untouched and collecting dust. My heart’s not in the right place to play.
I heard my phone beep on the nightstand. I had a text message. It was from Brendon.
What? I asked.
I’m going to ask Alena to marry me. I read it over. And over. And over. What?
You are? I sent back. There it goes. There goes my chance. There goes my everything, right out the door.
Yes, tonight. I’m taking her out to dinner and I’m going to ask her.
My throat hurt, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t bring my thumbs to key the words.
Congratulations. Was all I could muster. I felt my heart drop to my stomach, twisting me into knots. They would get married. They would be happy and together. Nothing would matter anymore. Nothing does matter anymore. My life is over, through. There is nothing worth even trying to live for. She is gone, his forever….
She hasn’t said yes yet. She hasn’t said yes yet. She hasn’t said yes yet. There is still time, time to tell her that I love her, that I need her. I have time.
Alena is quite the character. She is complex. She doesn’t keep her heart on her sleeve, but she’s sincere.
“You are my favorite drummer in the whole world!”
“C’mon? No! You have to like Andy better! Or Bob! I am not the best drummer.”
“No,” she said, giggling. “But you’re still my favorite!”
We were in a large department store, looking for some crazy vintage clothes. She wanted to get Brendon something. And probably something else, I don’t know. But I’ve had a great day with her. She’s a really good friend. I can see why Ryan and her are so close. And I can see why Brendon loves her. She is just what he needs. Pretty, attentive, talkative and charming.
“What about this?” she asked, holding up brown button up shirt. “Would Bren where it?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe. But I think he has one like it.”
“Damn!” she yelled, returning it to the rack. “Oh my God! Look at this!” she held up to me a pink blouse that looked an awful lot like something she would wear. “Hold my phone while I go locate a dressing room and pants to match!”
“Umm… sure?” I said laughing, putting her phone in my pocket. “Hey, you have the same sidekick as me!”
“Awesome!” she said, laughing and headed away.
A few moments later, I felt a buzz come from my pocket. It was her phone.
1 New Msg From Ryan
Ryan? Why is Ryan texting her? I looked around nervously. Should I tell her? I just opened the phone quickly.
I love you and I can’t stop thinking about you. I know you love Brendon but I have to see you. I have to. Say you love me too.
“Hey did I get a message?” she asked, emerging from the dressing room.
“No, this is mine.”
“Oh! Well, how do I look?” she asked, spinning around, allowing me to examine her.
“You look great!” I answered, trying to keep the alarm out of my voice.
“Thanks, love! I’m gonna go change back and keep looking!” She said before disappearing into the dressing room.
I quickly deleted the message. What was Ryan thinking?
I want to take the message back. I deleted it from my phone an hour ago. Did she read it? Did she see who it was from and delete it without reading it?
I was so confused, so hurt, so lost. The world is spinning a million miles and hour, going by so fast. I can’t even breathe.
She probably hates me. I hate myself, for doing what we did. We gave away our innocence, our friendship, and made it filthy. We broke the barrier we had built up. And it was all so very wrong. Worst of all, we put up a void between Brendon and ourselves. If he ever found out, it would put and end to our friendship, an end to Alena and his relationship and an end to Panic at the Disco. Our whole lives would fall apart if he ever knew, if anyone ever knew.
As if I were heard, the universe delivered, with uncanny timing, a knock at my door. “Go away!” I yelled, thinking it was a cleaning lady.
“Open up, its Spencer.”
“What do you want?” I asked with a groan, rolling over under the covers.
“We need to talk,” he said sternly through the door. Spencer? Stern?
I rose up from the bed and walked over to the door, opened it and let him in. “What is so important that-“
“I read the message you sent her! Ryan, what is going on?” he asked, looking at me with anger in his eyes.
“Honestly? Are you trying to break them up? Brendon is so happy! Have you seen the way they look at each other? Do you know anything?”
“I know Brendon is going to ask her to marry him,” I answered.
“So that gives you the right to just confess your love for her?” he asked.
“No, it’s not that, it’s just…”
“Just what, Ryan? Seriously! This is dumb. I am so mad at you right now! Why can’t you be happy for them? Why must you put that pain on everyone else? I-“
“We slept together.”
He only looked at me, shock written up, down and twice over on his face. “What?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper. “You did what?”
“We slept together. Three nights ago.”
Spencer just sat down on the foot of my bed. “Ryan… Why? Why would you do that?”
“She wanted me to. I wanted to! We wanted to be together. We both wanted to! So don’t say it was just me, okay?”
“Does Brendon know?” he asked.
“No, of course not. And we’re not going to tell him, and neither are you!”
“I know. It was wrong. Horribly wrong. I feel terrible about it! She feels terrible about. But the worst part is that I want her again. I haven’t gotten out of bed in three days. I haven’t slept, I haven’t eaten. I feel so sick to my stomach all the time. I’m not sure what I’m ill from. Do I feel guilty? Or is it because I miss her? I can figure it out. It’s eating away at me. I wish we would have never done what we did. It was so sick and wrong…”
“Yeah, it was,” Spencer agreed. We just looked at each other, our eyes locked before I had to turn away.
“Ryan, I don’t even know what to say besides stay away. Stay away from them now. Stay away from her. Let them be a happy couple, and don’t you ruin it or muddle in it anymore.”
“Spencer, I just love her…. Can’t you see what I’m going through?” I asked, tears streaming down my face.
Spencer placed his hand on my shoulder. “I can see it Ryan, I can. But I also see how much Brendon and Alena love each other. That’s the keep part. They love each other, Ryan.”
I looked up at him with soft, somber eyes. I was being torn apart a thousand different ways. But Spencer was more than right. “I know,” I whispered.
“I got to go do some stuff before Brendon gets back and they go to dinner but promise me that you will stay in here?”
“Yeah, I will, don’t worry.”
“You should shower, eat and maybe practice a little. I’ve only heard the sound of the TV coming out of here the last few days.”
I gave him a small, weak smile. “Yeah, I should.”
“Oh, and Ryan?”
“Cheer up,” he said, then he left.
“Cheer up,” I repeated lamely. “Cheer up.”
I didn’t know there were so many rings in the world.
“Jon, there’s a ton of rings in here,” I said.
“Yeah, there is. There is a lot of rings.”
“Which one do I pick?”
“Hello, sir. Can I help you with a ring?” The salesman asked me. He was a short man and was balding.
“Yeah, I’m looking for an engagement ring.”
“I think I could help you. Follow me sir,” he said, leading me toward long glass case. “We have a variety of price ranges, starting down here at-“
“Can you tell me how much it is in American dollars?”
“Sure. The price starts at 1,000 dollars and end about 70,000.”
Jon whistled behind me. “Day-um! That is a LOT of money.”
“Yeah, no joke.”
“Well, what are you specifically looking for?” he asked.
“Well, my girlfriend’s birthday is in May, so her birthstone is emerald.”
“Do you want a real emerald or an imitation emerald?”
“A real one.”
“Then here, here is our birthstone collection. These come out around 5,000 dollars. This band here is gold with a silver lining.”
I looked at the ring. Five small diamonds lead up to the emerald, which set up off the band.
“What else do you have?” I asked.
“Well, this ring here is 4,500. It’s pure gold with just the emerald in the center. But you can engrave something on the inside if you like. That will make it an even 4,750.”
“Can you engrave it today?” I asked. “Today is my last day in London and I was going to ask her tonight, before we left.”
“Well, our engraver is actually here today. So, yes. But with such a short notice, it may cost you more.”
“She’s is worth it.”
The man smiled, as if he just realized what love was actually all about. As if he realized that he were selling rings that would make memories, make lifetimes.
“Forget the extra charge, sir,” he said, smiling again. He pulled out a pen and a piece of paper. “What would you like it to say?”
It is almost 5. I am completely dressed and ready to go. I am actually finishing my eyeliner when my phone started to ring. It was Brendon’s ringtone.
“Hello?” I answered anxiously.
“Babe, I’m gonna be late. But trust me, I will make it up to you.”
“Why are you going to be late?” I asked, a little disappointed.
“I just got caught up with Jon and an attack of reporters asking about you, honey. But I will be there in an hour. I promise.”
“Okay, it’s all right honey. I understand,” I told him. Somehow, I felt he was lying.
“I love you, angel,” he said.
“I love you too, Bren.”
“You’re not mad at me, are you? Because I am totally going to make it up to my baby cakes.”
I laughed. “Okay, I’m not mad.”
“I bet you look gorgeous today,” he told me.
“When doesn’t my angel look good?” I heard someone call his name in the background. “I gotta go, hon. But I will be there soon. I’ll text you when I’m on my way up, that way you can hide before I see, so it’s a surprise.”
“You think of everything.”
“I know,” he said before he hung up.
I set the phone down and looked at myself again. I looked pretty, but pretty enough? I was convinced Brendon would love me either way. I was convinced he would love me no matter what. And that's what I kept on my mind all the time up until he texted.
[Thank you for still reading this. I promise to update a lot faster now that I have my laptop! I love you all! (: ]