Giving in is far too easy, but one sometimes will just fight it until they are made to see the truth. Jonathan Crane has a struggle with himself.
"I need the money, Scarecrow. There's no other way I can get it for research. You know what research means right? You get to play with people."
"But you're just a pawn! A puppet!"
Tired, I ignored Scarecrow for a moment while he ranted and raved about how people were using me and how they would throw me away the first moment they got while I tried to get some paperwork done. He hardly let me sleep these days, either wanting to 'play' with the residents or needling me constantly about how I let people walk over me.
"Don't ignore me Jonathan!"
I used to be able to suppress him, but when I started teaching and doing my own research, he became stronger again. It was very disconcerting since he had more of a presence than he ever had before. He was always there and I couldn't just banish him with a thought anymore. His two primary concerns seemed to be to protect me from everyone else and to 'play' with people.
"I'll pay attention to you after I do the paperwork. We need to keep our job."
That quieted him for the rest of the day even if his continued prowling in my mind was slightly distracting.
"I'll cut your puppet strings."
Scarecrow spoke out of nowhere when I laid down to rest. He had the most obnoxious timing for his rants and raves and I was tired of it.
"Go away...I don't have puppet strings, Scarecrow," I said sleepily. All I wanted to do was to get the sleep that had been eluding me for the past few days.
"But you do. They all puppet you, using you. Don't they realize you're mine?" I could feel him wrapping his arms around me from behind and I repeated over and over to myself that I couldn't be feeling this for he didn't have a real body.
But it seemed more real than anything else I have felt.
"Isn't that what you want to do with me? You've been getting uncomfortably close lately. No one controls me." I shifted, trying to get rid of the uneasy feeling that he was grabbing me and trying to do something to me.
"You can't trust anyone. They're trying to use you. You told me once that I was the only person you could trust. This Ra's Al Ghul never tells you everything. You're just a pawn." I could feel him playing with my hair and tightening his grip.
"That was before you killed someone."
"It had to be done Jonathan."
Suddenly I felt a tug on the back of my hair accompanied by a vicious growl from Scarecrow, "You are /mine/. No one else can puppet you."
"I am no one's puppet!" I shouted this out loud instead of inside my head, much to my dismay.
"Be careful, Jonathan, I know you're afraid of being the one on the other side of the door. Afraid of being labeled insane. Is that why you're scared of me? Because giving into me says you're insane?"
I didn't answer for I feared that I would betray myself to him because he spoke the truth. The unfortunate thing though was that it was hard to hide my thoughts from him. It was always was that way.
"I'm right. What does it matter that you're insane or not? We can hide it. You've hidden it so well so far...just cut all the puppet strings to everyone else and we can control our own destiny."
"And give into you. That's all you want. Day in and day out, you can't stand me doing the bidding of someone that is not you."
"I am you. Giving into me is only recognizing that the only person you can be controlled by is yourself. Listen to me Jonathan, you've only demeaned yourself your whole life by sucking up to everyone else and now that you're the head, you haven't stopped. Let us have the fun this time. You're scared of yourself."
"You are not me!"
"I am the side you suppressed. I am the demons you hide from everyone else. I frighten people because I was created out of all the scary things in you that you denied. If you give into me, everyone will pay and then life will be good."
"Go away!" I hated these talks because in his insanity, there were always pieces of truth that called to me, that told me that giving in will end all my problems. There was always that promise of freedom from the responsibility one has to others, where you didn't care about what they thought of you and you simply took what you wanted.
"I cannot go away. I am you."
"Just let me sleep."
"Don't ignore me, Jonathan. If you don't give in, something will break and you might not like what happens then. Just give in tonight and I will give you restful sleep. You're not really being puppeted if you are doing the puppeting yourself." Somehow I felt a finger brush against my lips even though there was no finger there.
"I'm the only one who wants you for you. Everyone else just wants to use you and throw you away. All the girls who ever giggled over you just wanted you for your pretty face and would never see beyond it."
"If I give in tonight...does that mean I give in forever?" It was so very tempting because I just wanted to sleep finally and his offer sounded sincere, but it frightened me because it was so alluring.
"Depends on how much you lose yourself."
"Just for one night...just so tired." I finally let myself relax and hoped that in the morning that all of this would just be a bad dream. I lost myself into him and I knew nothing else.