What do you get when you cross Star Wars and Lost In Space? One really crazy story! [WARNING: Stupidity abounds, crazy crossover!]
Author: Cerasi J.
Summary: A YJK crossover with the 1998 remake of "Lost in Space"
Disclaimer: Yoda, Yoda, Yoda. You know the drill. I don't own the Young Jedi Knights/, however, I sure wish I did, they make a lot more money for somebody than they do for me. Or the /Lost In Space people. Nor do I own The Backstreet Boys. I am not making any money off this story 'cause if I were, I wouldn't be here; I'd be in Hawaii.
Author's Note: Okay, I have to admit, I got a lot of bad reviews for this story, I think because we tweaked everyone's personality. Oh well, I really don't care. I had so much fun writing this. Anyway, not only do we crossover with Lost In Space we also crossed with crazy movies like Mafia!/, /Godzilla and /Armageddon/. Be forewarned! ;)
Jaina Solo: As Will "the technological terror" Robinson
Zekk: As Major Don West
Tenel Ka: As Judy Robinson
Emperor Palpatine: As Evil Dr. Smith
Luke Skywalker: As Prof. John Robinson
Leia Solo: As Prof. Maureen Robinson
Mara Jade: As Penny Robinson
Raynar Thul: As Commander Willie Sharp
Han Solo: As Prof. Indiana Jones
R2-D2: The talking garbage can . . . beep, beep.
Darth Vader: The "I'm not so bad, really," rotten robot
Ewan Mcgregor: As the young Obi-Wan Kenobi
This story takes place aboard the /Millennium Falcon/, cleverly disguised as the /Jupiter II/. In the fun-filled, Disney-themed, (Nope, don't own Disney stuff either), crew's cabin.
Darth Vader has taken the place of R2-D2, much to everyone's surprise. After all, we all thought good ole Darthie boy was toast. R2-D2, being the sassy little space droid he is, is currently plotting some revenge of his own against the Darth Man.
Darth Vader (as the wicked, naughty, badly-programmed robot) enters the crew's cabin, pauses momentarily to glare at the happy little dwarves on the posters, then suddenly shouts, "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!" The sudden shout startles Will Robinson (Jaina) who turns and throws a stuffed Mickey Mouse doll at Darth Vader, "Shut Up! I'm sick of hearing that!" she yells. Darth retaliates by cutting the hands off the Mickey doll.
"I said Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!" Darth roars again. Will Robinson (Jaina) jumps off the Minnie chair and performs a perfect Bruce Lee kick to the head (helmet, because we really don't know if Darth Vader even has a head under that silly helmet). Darth goes down hard, like Brett Favre under a pack of stampeding Broncos. (No, we don't own Brett Favre or the Broncos.) Jaina looks with disgust at the fallen robot, gives it a small kick, then returns to her Minnie Mouse chair.
Judy Robinson (Tenel Ka) rushes into the room with a sneer on her goofy little face. "These poorly designed cryo-suits won't maintain function above fifty percent! What idiot, what fool, what absolute moron designed this piece of crap?" Stomping her foot in rage she turns to her brother, Will, "Well?" she demands. Will Robinson rolls his eyes at his sister, "Duh", he says, "You did."
Judy pauses in her little tantrum and looks wide-eyed at Will. "Oh." She exits the room. Will shakes his head, "Blondes." (No, we don't own any blondes either, nor are we deliberately trying to offend any.) (Well, maybe one or two, we know a couple of blondes who are really deserving of it.)
Jaina: "What are you babbling about?"
Sorry, got off the track for a minute there! Back to the story line...
Major Don West (Zekk) enters the room, "Are you guys ready to go to Alpha-Prime?"
"Number One: I'm not a guy. And number two: There is no such place as 'Alpha-Prime'!" Will Robinson smugly informs Major West. Major West looks thoroughly confused. "Huh?" he queries. "I thought you were portraying a boy called Will Robinson?" he asks Jaina.
"Oh yeah, I forgot." Okay, okay, sure, I'm a guy, and yeah, I guess I'm ready to go to Alpha Prime."
Darth Vader crawls groggily to his feet, realigns his head, and yells, "I SAID DANGER!"
Major West looks at Darth Vader with something very close to pain on his face. "Man, I thought somebody else killed this guy off in another movie. Are we ever going to be rid of this creature?" he asked Jaina. Jaina (Will Robinson) shook her head sadly. "Yeah, I thought Uncle Luke had gotten rid of him. But, I guess like those horrible Backstreet Boys, he just keeps turning up again." She begins to sob, "I hate those stupid Backstreet Boys, somebody, please, make them go away." She dissolves in Zekk's arms sobbing hysterically. (No, we don't own the Backstreet Boys, thank God! If we did, we would have to send them to see Willie Sharpe)
Professor John Robinson (Luke) rushes into the room. "Quick", he yells at Major West and Will, "We've just been told a giant, huge, really big, and I mean big, asteroid is going to hit the earth and blow it to smithereens! We must do something! Hurry, hurry!" He pauses for a breath, (and effect).
Professor Robinson leaves, muttering to himself about Willie Sharpe and Bruce Willis. (No, we don't own Bruce Willis, but kinda wish we did.) Don West and Will look at each other. "Man, everyone on this ship is a little touched", Don West thinks to himself. Will grins ruefully, "Beam me up, Scotty. There is obviously no intelligent life on this ship."
Professor Maureen Robinson enters the crew's cabin. "Hurry up," she barks at Major West. "We must get back to earth as quickly as possible. Haven't you heard there is a giant lizard running amok in New York City?"
"A giant lizard?" Major West questions. "I thought we were flying off to save the earth from a really, really big asteroid?"
"An asteroid?" she scoffs. "Who told you something as ridiculous as that?"
"Dad did," Will pipes up. He grins slyly at Don West. He's not a dummy, you know. Will knows something stupid is about to happen.
"Well, what the hell does your father know?" Maureen questioned her son. "You know he was the one who invited that crazy Darth Vader to be in this plot. What an idiot!"
By this time poor Major West is really confused. "I thought Darth Vader stole aboard this ship after bopping R2-D2 in the circuit belt, stealing his lines and confiscating all his chocolate bars?"
"Chocolate bars!?" Maureen exclaimed. "There are chocolate bars on this ship and no one offered one to me?" She is so angry steam is about to come out of her ears. "Somone's head will roll for this!"
Don West looks at Will, "Do you think Scotty will beam me up, too?"
Narrator: Major Don West, Will and Maureen Robinson exit the crew's quarters to return to the ship's bridge. Upon arriving, they are greeted with a strange scene.
Professor John Robinson is holding Dr. Smith in a stranglehold, still muttering about Willie Sharpe and Bruce Willis (sigh). Dr. Smith is screeching his innocence of any wrongdoing. Of course, in another life, he was a bad guy. A really bad guy.
So, Professor John Robinson refuses to believe anything he says. The Robot, (who you may remember is really Darth Vader), insists that Dr. Smith, (who, again, you may remember is really Emperor Palpatine), isn't really such a bad guy, merely misunderstood, and hey, you know, he deserves another chance.
Will Robinson executes another perfect Bruce Lee kick in answer to the Darth man's words. Professor Maureen Robinson rushes to her husband's side. "John, what the devil is going on here?" she demands breathlessly. "I caught Dr. Smith here programming Robot to be horribly mean to all of us," he responded, tightening his hold on Dr. Smith by using the Force. (No, we don't own the damn Force, either!)
"Run Luke, run", whispers a voice from nowhere in particular. Everyone in the room looks around. "Who said that?" questions Major West. "Man, this ship must be haunted or something." Judy Robinson demands that her father release Dr. Smith (not to be confused with John Smith and Pocahontas) so that plans may be undertaken to save the Earth.
"Dad, stop this foolishness right now!" Judy cries. "There are millions of lives at stake here. We must all work together to save the Earth."
Major West turns to Judy. "What's all the fuss about a big lizard, we go in, we throw some Jerry Springer tapes at it, it goes berserk, we shoot it, end of story. What's the big deal?" Judy's mouth drops open. "What are you babbling about? What big lizard? Where?" She pauses dramatically, "He hasn't destroyed all the shoe stores has he?"
Before anyone can answer her questions, Darth Vader suddenly barks, "Danger, Will Robinson, danger!"
This time, he may be right! A strange, glowing cylindrical light suddenly appears in front of the ship's controls. As the crew watches, Han Solo's form slowly takes shape. (No, unfortunately, we don't own Han Solo, Harrison Ford or Indiana Jones, but, boy, do we wish we did!)
As they watch, several more figures begin to appear. As their forms fill and take shape, the strange creatures look around, obviously bewildered at their surroundings. Major West steps forward, "Hey, I think I know that guy!" He pauses, not quite certain. "Yeah, I do know that guy. He owes me money!"
The man in question slowly turns toward the voice of Major Don West. Yep, you guessed it. It is none other than young Obi-Wan Kenobi. (You know, the cute one.) Obi-Wan looks at Major West and slowly waves his hand. "He doesn't owe me any money," Obi-Wan whispers softly. Major West shakes his head. "Nah, I guess that isn't the guy that owes me money after all."
Obi-Wan and Maureen Robinson share a secret smile. Maureen steps forward to greet this latest, but not strangest, visitor. "Welcome, Obi-Wan, you are always welcome."
Will turned back into Jaina, "Hey!" She shouts, "You're cute!" Jaina starts to chase after Obi-Wan, rather like a demented Beatles Fan. Obi-Wan runs screaming from the room. Qui-Gon Jinn turns to Darth Maul, "Why do all the girls fall for Obi-Wan and not us?"
Darth Maul shrugs, "I dunno, must be a Jedi thing." Qui-Gon and Darth Maul start to complain about Obi-Wan, soon the discussion becomes heated, Darth and Qui-Gon start yelling at each other. "Oh yeah, well I cut you in half!" Darth Maul screams.
"Well, my Padawan cut you in half!" Qui-Gon yelled back. "Well," Darth Maul said, pulling out his lightsaber, "I'll just have to kill you again!" They start to lightsaber duel (scary, nail biting music starts, the room dims ominously. Will was right, something terrible is about to happen.)
The same strange light did its thing again, only this time it was something much worse than Darth Maul...
The light began to take shape, everyone gasped! It was horrible! People running and screaming in all directions, gasping for breath where there was none to be had. People taking cover, hiding from the very horror materializing in front of them. By the light, it was B-A-R-N-E-Y! ( You know, that big, ugly, purple dinosaur thing.)
Darth Maul exclaims, "It's Jabba-the-Hutt reincarnated! Run and hide, run and hide!" The disgusting creature gave a cornball chuckle. "Hi kids, I'm not Jabba-the-Hutt, I'm your friend, Barney!"
Maureen Robinson fainted. Darth Maul began to sob hysterically. Darth Vader slowly eased from the room, once clear of the door, he ran as fast as he could for safety. Even he was scared of the purple dinosaur.
Qui-Gon Jinn immediately pulled his lightsaber and began warning the others to stand back, he could handle the purple blob. Whatever it was made of.
Obi-Wan Kenobi raced to Qui-Gon's side to defend his master and the others aboard this ship. "I think it is some form of Sith Lord, Master," Obi-Wan guessed aloud.
Darth Maul glared at Obi-Wan, "Watch it Kenobi, you're giving the Sith a bad name!"
"Sorry," Obi-Wan apologized softly to Darth Maul. He was standing in attack position in case the giant purple thing attacked.
"Ha, Ha, Ha, Hi ya kids, let's play!" Barney rumbled. Major West pulled out his gun, loaded it, and aimed it at Barney, "I thought we killed Jabba-the-Hutt in the last movie." Barney laughed, "Now, now kids, I'm not Jabba the Hutt, you must have me mixed up with some other big, fat, blob of goo." John Robinson, now wearing an Eskimo costume, approached Barney slowly from the rear with a spear. "Okay, Qui-Gon, I'm in position. You and Obi-Wan take him out."
Maureen Robinson painfully pulled herself from the floor. She looked dazed and confused. Recognition came slowly as her gaze took in the battle stances held by the Jedi. "No," she yelled. Obi-Wan cut his gaze toward her, not moving more than his lucious blue eyes.
"Why not?" he demanded.
"I have a better idea," Maureen explained. "Follow me."
Turning, she led the way to the ship's galley. The Jedi Knights and Darth Maul forced Barney to the galley, where Maureen waited patiently. "Penny, Judy, John, grab those little tin and paper things from that box," she ordered. Everyone jumped to do her bidding. She looked at Qui-Gon and nodded her head. "Okay, cut him up."
After several slices with the mighty lightsabers and some quick thinking, Barney had been reduced to approximately 700 small packages each looking remarkably like Poppin-fresh biscuits. Maureen smiled smugly at the small packages. "Now," she informed the others, "We'll ship them to Krogers. Won't those idiots be surprised when they pop open the cans and find little bits of a big, fat, ugly, purple monster in them."
Everyone in the room agreed, laughing and congratulating each other and Maureen for her quick thinking and resourcefulness.
But, we digress...
The entire crew, and the uninvited guests, are all now assembled in the ship's bridge. By this time the cast and crew is a little battle weary. They know they have a long night ahead of them, trying to save the Earth from a huge, gigantic, really big, asteroid. And then, they still have to get rid of the bad guys, Darth Maul and Darth Vader, and Emperor Palpatine, and Princess Leia. (Oops, she's a good guy, I think. So, scratch that one out, okay?)
Taking command of the controls, Major Don West sets a course which will take the Jupiter II, (a.k.a.The /Millennium Falcon/) directly to the asteroid which is on a collision course with Earth.
All passengers and crew are securely belted into their seats, anxious faces pressed to the windows. All except Darth Vader, who sits calmly knitting scarves for the Stormtroopers.
As Jupiter II approaches its destination, Major West realizes something is drastically wrong! "Holy rancor!" Major West yells. Everyone on board looks forward, eyes wide, expressions unbelieving.
"By the light!" Professor John Robinson exclaims. "What is that unholy monstrosity?" He is pressed back in his seat, his face an expression of sheer terror. "Back up," he orders Major West. "Turn around, run, do something!" he screams.
By this time, all the crewmembers are shrieking in horror. People are running madly around the cabin, with nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide.
The Robot calmly puts his knitting aside. Loosening his seatbelt, he gets slowly to his feet. "Everyone be still," he wheezes. "There is nothing to be alarmed about. We have simply arrived at our chosen destination." He nods at Dr. Smith. "We have been expecting this to happen for generations. Now, it has finally happened."
"Yes, but what is it?" Penny Robinson queries. "I mean, I've never seen anything so, eeew, disgusting before, you know?"
Dr. Smith, an evil grin on his face, is manaically wringing his hands. "I didn't think I would ever have a chance to come face to face with an evil more powerful than my own. I'm very glad I have been given this opportunity."
Professor John Robinson turns to speak to his wife, and finds her in the arms of Han Solo, lips locked together. "Hey!", he shouts. "What the devil do you think you're doing? We're right in the middle of a crisis here, and the two of you are playing kissy-face!" He shakes his head. "Well," he now demands of The Robot, "What are we supposed to do?"
"We blow it up of course," The Robot responds. "I shall take great pleasure in setting up the warhead launchers. You needn't worry, we shall take out these evil Teletubbies, which are intent on destroying the Earth."
Penny Robinson gasped, "Teletubbies?! Oh no."
Will cried, "Look!"
The crew looked where Will was pointing, "By the Light, what is that?" John Robinson shouted.
The thing in question was.... Steven Tyler, from Aerosmith!
"No," Maureen yelled, "I thought we killed Barney!"
"Whoa, that thing's scarier than me!" Darth Maul said. Major West cringed, "No kidding?"
"Robot," Maureen barked, "Set up the warhead launchers... Now!"
Next week: Will our heros kill off the evil Teletubbies? What about Steven Tyler? Will Mareen Robinson and Han Solo elope? Will we really care what happens next week?
Flame me, praise me, I don't really care, I had a good time writing this. =D