Saddish one shot, frerard. Please read and review :]
It was dark in the room, the only thing that broke the suffocating blackness was the dim light of the moon that fought to get through the window that had fogged up with condensation. It was one of the darkest winters I've ever been through. And in a cabin in the middle of a thick forest made it so much darker, a small gap in the tree canopy allowed sun and moonlight through to light up the clearing the cabin was in, but that was all. And sometimes when it was cloudy, you couldnt tell whether it was night or day.
It sounds scary, or awkward perhaps. But to us, it was magical. It cut off all civilization, we didnt have a TV or a phone in the cabin, and we kept are laptops and mobiles in the car when we arrived. Not to be turned on again until we were back on a main road, after our vacation.
The fire we had made in the fireplace had long since died out and I could see my breath in white clouds everytime I breathed out. My eyes itched from exhaustion, we'd had a long trip up here, but I couldnt sleep. Not yet. I'd dozed in the car, and I'd dozed for a few hours before I woke up again now, but I refused to allow myself to fall asleep again. Every waking minute was preciouse when I was with him. Who knew how long we'd spend here? And then after we'd left, how long it would be before we could come back again? If we did at all.
I loved him, and I knew he loved me. But the problem was, neither of our families would accept that. I was catholic, and my parents would be so ashamed of me if they found out I was gay, they would think I had turned my back on God, if it wasnt already enough that I was in a rock band. 'Devil music' they called it, but as long as I was happy playing my guitar then they were happy for me. I dont think they'd be quite so understanding with my sexuality though. They were fed up of me never having girlfriends and had so kindly invited one of my ex's from highschool to a family dinner without telling me. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw her, I was so shocked. Jamia, with her long black hair and dazzling blue eyes, she's gorgouse and could get any guy she wanted.
How convinient she only wants me.
I snorted and carefully unwrapped myself from Gerards embrace, he fidgeted but didnt wake, and I was free to get off the sofa and stretch my aching muscles. Jamia was always on my mind, and not in the good sense. I didnt love her, I didnt want her. She was a friend, a great friend who I loved as such. But to marry her? I wasnt sure I could go through with it, my father had practically held me at gun point trying to force me to propose to her so I did, and only now does the regret really crush my insides. She's so happy, and was more than eager for me to come on this vacation so that she could do some last minute wedding preperations. Its so tempting to just stay here and not go to the wedding, to hide up here in the mountains for a year or two. But I cant do that to her, I can only imagine how badly I would hurt her and I wont allow myself to do that. I may not love her, but I still wont hurt any of my friends.
Besides. Gerards engaged too anyway.
Gerard Way and Lyn - Z... what a beautiful, beautiful couple. To see them burns me inside, she's just as gorgouse as Jamia and she and Gee just look so perfect together, the fans either envy or adore Lyn, and the rest of the band all love to harp on about how perfect Gee and Lyn are - Both artists, both comic book geeks, both fans of the same music, both beautiful...
I catch my reflection in the fogged window, its hazy and I cant make it out properly, but even so I can see enough to depress me. I once thought I was the only one Gee would ever want, but comparing myself to his beautiful fiance makes me realise I was a fool. Not just because I'm a man like himself, but because we're so different. I'm still the little punk kid I was in high school, with the floppy hair and the face peircings, all the many colourful tattoos that he insists he loves, which I'm sure he does - because he's an artist. But I'm not, I just like to cover myself in these pictures. I'm short, but with an attitude to make up for it, I'm slim I guess, and a little toned. But I'm a pain in the ass, I'm vegan and I get hyper and childish. Gee needs someone who he can sit and draw with and have mature fun with, no not sexually, I mean as in... I dunno, like... I'd happily mess around on guitar hero or play hide and seek and all the other stuff we'd do as kids and teenagers, I hate having adult conversations unless I can giggle during it. When it comes to serious, mature talks I just panic. I'm no good at it, I'm a kid at heart and I always will be, and though Gerards still in touch with his inner child he can be serious too. I'm no good at that, not unless I'm upset, or angry.
"Frankie?" His voice startled me even though its far from loud, its quiet and croaky from sleeping in these cold conditions. I dont turn to look at him, only now realising I have tears in my eyes and I dont want him to see.
"What are you doing up? Its like... three in the morning or something." I heard him getting up and tried to push the tears back. Theres no point in crying when he wouldnt understand, not even I understand.
"I was just... thinking." I struggle to keep my voice flat and monotoned. He approached me and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head lightly on my shoulder and kissing the side of my neck tenderly. I feel like breaking down in his arms, to complete destroy myself so that he can fix me again and make everything okay. My foundations are crumbling and I dont know what to do.
"What about?" He whisperes gently, he knows me well. He knows I'm upset, its like he can sense it.
"Nothing important." My voice is so quiet I'm surprised he can hear it. His hold on me tightens as if he's trying to stop me from falling to peices.
"You sure about that?" He asked. I nodded, silently looking down at the floor. "You can talk to me about anything, you know that right?" He asked. I nodded again and turned round in his arms, wrapping my arms around his neck and holding him close. Resting my face on his chest, listening to his heart beat.
"I just want you to know I love you." I whispered. He seems surprised at this random statement but his hold on me tightens once more as he says.
"I love you too."
"I wish I wasnt getting married." I say it more to myself than to him, but he hears it anyway and he sighs.
"You dont want to hurt Jamia. We'll always be friends, no matter what." Its meant to make me feel better but it makes me feel worse. We'll always be friends, and that would be fine if I hadnt already felt what its like to be loved by him, and now I'm addicted to it and I cant give him up.
"Thats not enough for me." I whispered. He gently kissed the top of my head and said.