I'm a dead man, what am I not getting? What do I do, Halloween without spiders and Beer ... I need fucking beer!
WARNINGS: Don't drink this much, don't smoke this much ... ever! Violence, swearing, spiders and sexy boys. That is all. Oh and kissing and angst! I'm a bad person.
To my reviewers: So so sorry it took so long, you guys are great :)
Chapter twelve: November – A bad case of incurable stupidity!
Friday, November 3rd
88 kg (what does it matter, I'm going to be dead soon), 18 beers, 200 cigarettes (hopefully they will kill me first), 4 joints (pot helps).
In respect for the time and effort that Frank unquestionably took to teach me some well-received moves on Halloween, I have been practicing.
Well, sort of.
The fact of the matter is that I am a rather lazy person with very little self confidence. Which means I feel utterly stupid standing in my cramped little room at college running over the defense moves that Frank demonstrated.
I feel like I'm in a really bad Karate movie. But I'm no Kung-fu kid and feel that no matter how much I practice I'm eventually just going to have to face facts. I'm a dead man.
Tuesday, November 7th
86 kg (am loosing weight due to fear, I could start a new diet fad), 13 beers (they are all called for lately), 800 cigarettes (death, death, death), 2 joints (last of the pot, will surely die).
Noon. College: My room. True to his word, Frank came back to check up on me today. In about just as much of a hurry as he was on Halloween. I should have known by his rather harassed looking appearance that he wasn't to be messed with today, but I never do learn.
And it turns out this month isn't going to be any better then any other, it's already off to a horribly messed up start.
When Frank entered my room there was hardly a "hello" or a "how are you?" or anything like that. It was just "get up Gerard, show me those moves. You better have been practicing."
Me being the stubborn male that I am, didn't appreciate this greeting at all and as I was forced to my feet I felt rather stupid standing there before Frank, him with his arms crossed, waiting impatiently for me to show him what I had learnt.
There was no way I was going to stand in front of Frank Iero and start swinging my arms round clumsily yelling "hi-yah!" and "yippie-ki-yay mother-fucker!" It was embarrassing and besides, I felt that I owed him nothing. All the shit he had put me through, why should I take his tips, why should I let him save me life?
See ... Stupidity. Stubbornness is stupidity.
If I had of known the reaction I was going to get out of Frank, I probably would have just done the stupid moves in the first place, to hell with my pride. But I really can never see this stuff coming.
"Please tell me you've been practicing the stuff I've shown you Gerard," Frank said in frustration as he just pinched the top of his nose with a thumb and finger as though I was giving him a headache.
At that moment, I'd had enough. How could he be frustrated with me? He had no idea what I had been through these past few months. Was all this shit ever going to end? I was so fed up.
"You know what Frank. I didn't practice. There was no point. No matter how hard I try, Chris is just going to beat the shit out of me anyway, so why bother trying. I'd actually welcome unconsciousness at this point anyway."
The effect my words had on Frank were unexpected. He just stood there, staring at me, a look of fury on his face.
"You didn't practice? You mean to tell me I wasted all of my time on Tuesday for nothing?"
"Get over it Frank, it's not that big a deal. This is my problem, I'll deal with it in my own way, I don't need your help and I certainly didn't ask for it."
Harsh, but true. I didn't count on Frank having his own harsh but true words to say back to me though.
"I didn't say you did, I just thought I'd help you out because that's what friends do!"
I froze because Frank was getting really pissed off, his voice rising higher and higher as he got more and more agitated. I didn't have anything else to say right away; because his words had thrown me off ... he basically said I was his friend. He said we were friends! Why the hell didn't he say that before?
"Damn you Gerard! I can't believe I wasted the whole of Halloween on you!"
At these last words of fury, all of Frank's previous words were forgotten, like I said, I'm stubborn and, well, I was simply caught up in the heat of the moment. Now it was my turn to get pissed again, after all, I had other plans for Halloween as well.
"You know Frank; you're not the only one on this planet! My brother and I spend every Halloween together and you and your stupid friend Chris robbed me of that, so don't think you'll get any pity from me for missing your special little -"
"It was my birthday you dick head! The one day I really look forward to every year. And because I was trying to help you out, I missed the whole fucking day! Including the surprise party my family was supposed to have for me."
And that was pretty much the moment I felt like a complete and utter bastard! What the hell was I supposed to say to that?
"Frank ... I'm sorry ... I didn't know."
"Of course you didn't know, why the hell would you. I mean, fuck you Gerard, I can't keep doing this ... what the hell do I have to do to try and impress you? Whatever Gerard, I've had enough, don't come crying to me when you get your ass kicked. You're on your own from here."
Before I could register what he said, before I could stop him, Frank gave me one last angry look before he marched out of my room, slamming the door so hard my entire wall shook as he did so.
Once he was gone I just sat on the edge of my bed trying to decipher what in the world had just happened.
Did Frank just say he had been trying to impress me? What the hell just happened?
6 p.m. I can't figure this guy out! What does he want from me?
Wednesday, November 8th
84 kg (The Fear Diet - the event of up and coming death can do wonders for your waist line, try it now, call 1800 983 457 for your own private team of willing Russian roulette players), 5 beers (running low, kill me now), 78 cigarettes (ahhh, running low on them to), 0 joints (run out, want to die).
10 a.m. College: My room. Franks full out melt down yesterday left me with a head so full of unanswered questions that I had to talk to somebody, anybody. The only person I knew that apparently knew Frank well enough to share some intriguing secrets with him, was surprisingly my own baby brother, Mikey.
I hadn't forgotten their little private squabble at the football match when I had been punched off my feet by Chris.
It was time I got some answers, I deserved them!
So, I dialed Mikey.
"Geraldine ... to what do I owe this lovely pleasure. Haven't gotten yourself into any more trouble have you?"
"Yes, actually, plenty more. Chris wants me dead!"
"I already know that Gerard. thanks for waiting until now to tell me that important detail."
"What? How did you know that? ... No wait, let me guess - Frank told you didn't he?"
"You’re upset ..."
"Of course I'm bloody upset! You've been talking to Frank behind my back! Making little secrets and hidden packs and what not."
"Last I checked Gee; I didn't need your permission to talk to anyone. Your problems are my problems and I got sick of hearing you beat yourself up over every little moment you had with Frank so I decided to get in contact with him myself and find out all the answers you were too stubborn to ask."
"Then I guess you've heard all about our argument yesterday seeing as though you and Frank are such good friends."
I couldn't believe what I just heard! How long had Mikey been talking to Frank for? Obviously longer then I had expected. Were they friends? Good friends? Why didn't he tell me sooner?
"As a matter of fact, he didn't. I haven't heard from him since Halloween, I think he's upset about something actually. I just got that vibe from his messages."
"You got a vibe from his messages?"
"Yes Gerard! You should know by now I have a sixth sense for this sort of thing. I can tell if something is wrong with someone by the way they text. It's a gift."
I ignored Mikey and moved on to the questions that I wanted to know. I wasn't particularly happy with him at the moment and I didn't really want to have any idol chit chat with him, especially not about his supposed gift.
"What did Frank mean when he said that he's trying to impress me?"
"Woah! He said that? About fucking time."
"Well he didn't say that exactly. What he said was, 'what do I have to do to try and impress you', actually, he yelled it at me more then anything, but yeah. And what the hell do you mean by it's about time?"
"Oh my god Gerard! What the fuck is wrong with you? Okay, I promised Frank that I wouldn't say anything until he was ready to tell you himself, but Gee, you're my brother and therefore a reflection of me and I don't want people to think that your stupidity runs in the family. FUCK! ARE YOU THAT BLIND?"
"I swear Mikey you better tell me what's going on now or I'm going to have a nervous breakdown."
"Forget it Gee. Go and talk to Frank, figure it out for yourself. Redeem yourself; prove to me you're not a complete idiot!"
With that, the phone went dead as Mikey had clearly hung up on me. I was so furious I grabbed my phone and chucked it at the wall.
Now I'm lying here on my bed, my phone in pieces on the floor and the only thought running through me head is that great, now my brother is angry at me to.
How the hell did that happen? IT'S ALL FRANKS FAULT!
11:30 a.m. I'm so frustrated, I'm so angry, what the hell is going on? What the hell can't I figure out? Why am I so stupid? What am I missing?
Sunday, November 12th
0 kg (zombie Gerard does not weigh a thing), 0 beers (zombie Gerard is drunk enough already), 7 cigarettes (but dropped them all as zombie Gerard's hands were shaking so badly), 0 joints (could have used one to calm me the fuck down), no. of lessons learnt: 2.
Late night. College: My room. Today, it finally happened.
My brain finally just had enough and shut down, leaving only zombie Gerard left. And Zombie Gerard runs on testosterone only.
So, what do you think I did? The only thing that made any bloody sense, I decided to face up to all my fears and quite possibly end my life whilst doing so. I went to hunt down Chris!
You think fate could have protected me from myself and maybe have made sure that Chris was impossible to locate, but just my luck, I found him hovering outside one of the classrooms with the same group of friends that had been cracking their knuckles at me at the football match.
"I don't fucking believe it. You got a death wish Way?" Chris said, laughing out loud as he realised that I actually had the balls to approach him.
Truth be told, I was just numb, I didn't care anymore, I'd had enough. If I was lucky, maybe I could throw in a few good punches.
It was funny though, out of all the thoughts that were running through my exhausted head, only one stood out.
Frank was mad at me.
I don't know why, but it bothered me immensely. I didn't want to go out like this, with him not understanding that I did appreciate the help he was trying to give me and the fact that he had called me a friend. Now, it was far too late to tell him.
"Any last words princess?" one of Chris' friends asked as Chris, himself, just shook his head, apparently still amazed that I was still doing this.
I just stood there suddenly realising how lonely I once again felt. I found myself wishing that Mikey or Frank would just show up and stand next to me, just so I could have someone on my side. Just so I wouldn't die alone like I always feared. But, of course, this was the way it had to be.
Darn it, why couldn't I have told Bert and Quinn I was going to commit suicide like this? They could have come with me, or talked me out of it, either one.
The fact that I had no support didn't improve my mood, if anything it only made me more determined to be beat up ... I deserved it.
But I wasn't going down with out at least saying something good ... I took a deep breath and looked Chris right in the eye.
"Well, I was just going to call you all stupid and let that be that, but I figured that would just be an insult to stupid people. You're more the kind of person that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot ... and that's a compliment."
Chris' smile dropped immediately. I think he was thinking about what I said, he didn't get it. I don't know what I was thinking, but I was suddenly filled with a surge of adrenalin and I took his moment of distraction as a moment of weakness, Frank's voice was in my head, "make sure you get him when he's distracted." Turns out I did take something from my training.
So, just like that, I struck.
My fist connected with Chris' stomach and he clearly wasn't expecting it as he let out a gasp, grabbed the offending spot and hunched over fairly winded.
I stepped back, smiling proudly at what I had just done, but I didn't expect Chris to recover that quickly. Frank's second piece of advice "hit him, then run, don't stick around, no ones expecting you to be a hero."
I should have listened to Frank, I stood there too long and, true to Frank's word, Chris recovered in seconds and his huge arm reached out and grabbed me by the front of my shirt, pulling me in and punching me straight across the face.
"Ahhhh Fuck! Truce, truce!" I shouted, immediately regretting starting this stupid fight. My face was killing me and I knew that he must have just broken something.
Unfortunately, this was it. This was the moment Chris had been waiting for, because he didn’t stop when I weekly cried out for him to. Next thing I know his knee is in my stomach and I felt my rib cage shudder under the force.
I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, the pain was too much. But I didn't just sink onto my knees like my body wanted to, cause once again, Chris was grasping me so tightly that his strength alone was the only thing holding me up.
"One more?" Chris asked me. If he had been talking about anything other then a punch to the face I probably would have thought it was quite nice of him to ask.
"No ... no more," I said, shaking my head at him.
"I dunno, I think that was a yes, what do you guys think?"
Of course his fucking friends said that it was a yes. Bastards! You think one of them could have taken pity on me.
He punched me in the stomach and I barely even felt it, I was already breathless and numb. I had never been beat up this badly before. I felt sick.
"And this one's for my little brother Way!" Chris cried out before he raised his fist again.
This one connected with my face again and I felt my brain wiggle around in my head as though he had just knocked it loose. And that was when he let go of me, moaning and groaning as I collapsed onto the ground and clutched at my aching stomach, trying desperately to catch the breath I needed but couldn't quite get.
"Who wants to kick him? It's fun!" Chris said to his surrounding friends.
If I hadn't of still felt that small nagging thought that told me I deserved what I was getting, I probably would have cried until they realised how pathetic I was and left me alone. But I was stubborn and I just stared at Chris as if to say "bring it on." Then, somehow, I found my voice.
"That all you got? What happened champ? I'm still alive! Did you leave your lucky skirt at the dry cleaners ... pansy!"
I don't know what the hell happened. I'm beginning to think that at that moment I was possessed by a retarded ghost or something! I really did have a death wish ... but really, looking back, I was just so sick and tired of everything; the beating was actually a nice change.
The words were a big mistake. Chris's face contorted in rage as he stepped towards me and picked me up by the collar of my shirt again.
"No, really - it's fine - just leave me - on - ground," I panted, trying to wriggle free.
"I'm not satisfied yet," Chris said, his angry face inches from mine. One fist to the head again, another in my side.
And then, that was it, his fist was back again and I knew it would be the final blow. But the fist never made it to my face as I was suddenly aware of my shirt being grabbed from behind now instead. Chris let go and whoever was pulling me back pulled with such force that I lost my already failing balance and collapsed back onto the ground.
"What the fuck Frank? Let me beat the little fucker up!"
I tried to focus my foggy vision enough to see who was crouching down by my side, the person that Chris was now yelling at. Was it really Frank?
"Stay away from him Chris; I'm pretty sure you've proved your point."
It was Frank!
"Frank? I swear - I took - some of your - advice. Told you I'm shit."
With that I tried to sort of just fall sideways so my head could rest on the ground and I could just fall asleep, but Frank wasn't having any of it, he just grabbed my shirt again with one hand and used the other to wrap around my shoulder to steady me.
"Gerard, just stay upright okay? Fuck look at your face man, why the hell didn't you just stay away from him huh?"
He wasn't mad; he just looked really upset that I was injured! Why did he care?
I just looked at him pathetically as he gave me a once over as though assessing my injuries. Then he looked back up to Chris and glared at him with hatred the likes of which I had never seen in Frank's face before.
"Frank, why are you sticking up for him? The guys a fucking wimp!" Chris shouted at Frank, clearly not liking being glared at because he was no longer the tough footballer that I usually saw. It was like he was seriously upset that Frank was mad at him.
"Shut up Chris, just help me get him up and then leave us the fuck alone!"
Chris pouted but then caved in and as he bent down to help me up as Frank had instructed I flinched slightly as my stomach tensed, waiting for another blow.
"Relax Gee, he's not going to hurt you anymore, I got to get you cleaned up."
I just stared at Frank seriously intrigued.
He was being so nice. I didn't deserve it after all the shit that I had done to him, said about him behind his back. What was going on?
When I was back on my feet Chris just stared at me and Frank with that same look he had given us at the football match, right before he beat me up that time too.
"Frankie ... don't tell me you like this guy? You can do so much better."
My face, my ribs, my stomach all my aches were forgotten at the words that had just left Chris' mouth. Because, what the fuck?
"F-Frankie? Did he just call you Frankie?" I asked as Frank just turned away from Chris and practically carried me in some unknown direction
He didn't answer me. Instead we just kept on walking until we reached my room. In silence, he sat me down on my bed, making sure I was sitting up right.
"You may not want to fall asleep for a while, you're probably concussed or something. Damn you Gerard, why'd you have to be such a stubborn moron?"
I just shook my head as I pulled Frank down so that he was sitting on my bed next to me.
"Answer my question Frank - why'd he call you Frankie ... Why does he listen to you?"
"Gerard ... you seriously didn't know? Chris and Marcus are my cousins."
"Yeah ... I just figured everyone knew that. We're a close family, so he always feels he has to look out for me and protect me and stuff because I'm a little smaller then their side of the family. His dad is my dad's brother and my dad is huge. I got my mum's genes, she's small," Frank babbled, rubbing the back of his neck nervously as he realised how much he was telling me.
"You're not serious! You don't even look alike!"
Frank just laughed.
"Yeah, I know. But neither do you and your brother! I mean, he's smaller then you and I bet you feel like you have to stick up for him all the time. It's the same with Chris, I don't think he realises that I'm smarter then him, I could probably beat him up just because I use my head more then him. Still, he means well."
"My aching ribs seem to think he means well to ... So that's why you hang around with the jocks, cause of him? I wondered how you hung out with them; you don't even play football do you?"
"Hell no! I hate it! But his friends are my friends. Like I said, we're a close family, lots of gatherings and lunches sort of got me in with that crowd. Their footballers, they stick with people they know."
I had a hundred more questions to ask Frank, but I was suddenly aware that I couldn't remember any of them. My brain hurt, my ribs hurt, everything hurt. I still couldn't breathe properly and I was suddenly aware that my eyes didn't want to stay open.
"Woah, Gerard ... sit up, sit up," Frank called out, pulling me back upright again. I wasn't even aware I was slowly falling sideways as my eyes closed for a second or two.
Frank let out a small sigh as I smiled at him to show that I was alright. I really wanted to sleep, but something told me it wasn't a good idea. So instead, I decided to ask Frank the other question that was bothering me.
"Frank ... what did Chris mean when he said that you ... you know - what I'm trying to say is ... well, I mean he kind of said it first but - I'm just curious ... Frank, do you like me?"
I can't believe the words left my mouth, I can't believe I was thinking about it, I can't believe I was so excited to hear the answer.
To my great surprise Frank just gave me this look of great amusement as though I was cracking some sort of joke. I was suddenly very self-conscious.
"S-sorry ... I don't know what I was thinking. Stupid question - fuck, I'm so stupid. Forget I said anything Frank okay."
Frank just shook his head.
"God Gee ... you're so slow."
I just smiled weekly at him as I felt the pain and the exhaustion threaten to take over me once more. But I think Frank caught on, because he pulled me upright again and started talking quite quickly to me as though hoping that listening to him would keep unconsciousness at bay.
"I got your number off your friend Bert so I could message you during the college holidays, but as soon as I did I felt kind of stupid so I didn't tell you who I was in case you thought it was weird I was messaging you or something. Then as I got to know you a little more I couldn't figure out if you were with Amy or Sarah or Bert or his friend, I didn't know what to think! Then I realised I didn't know you at all. When I heard you'd been sitting with me when I was sick I thought maybe there was something but when you wouldn't even come and get your keys off me for a whole month, I figured that you definitely didn't like me."
Swallowing hard, slightly unable to believe what Frank was telling me, I felt I had to step in.
"W-what? I - I just didn't know what to do, I mean, I figured you just thought I was some drunk retard. Not to mention I cried in front of you! Oh shit ... about that ... when I drink, sometimes I get really -"
"Gerard! I don't care, everyone has there melt downs! If I had of known all of that though, I probably would have come and given them back to you a lot sooner. Still, after that you continued to ignore me, so I just gave up for a little while. Yet somehow you were everywhere which made it hard to sort of just ignore your existence, so I found myself messaging you to check up on you every now and then, or cheering you up if you looked down, hoping you'd start to notice me a bit. Then when you called me that night I had to stop messaging because I was sure you'd figured it all out."
"Then clearly you underestimate my stupidity," was all I could say as I took in Frank's every word. After all, I found it was important I concentrate on him; everything else around me was spinning dangerously.
Frank just smiled again.
"Yeah, when your brother started messaging me I figured you had no idea, that was probably why he was asking me so many questions."
"Wait, how'd he get your number?"
"I was offering guitar lessons at his school; my number was on the bulletin board there."
"So that's what he was talking about! Darn, I should have figured that out."
"Yeah you should have! But I was kind of relieved you hadn't. I would never have turned up to your party if I'd have known you knew. And I still feel bad for telling you about Bert making out with that guy in your bathroom, but honestly, a part of me only did it because I thought you liked him and well I guess I did it to ... anyway, it didn't quite turn out how I'd hoped. Chocolate sauce? Who would have seen that one coming? But I felt so bad about it all that I wanted to come help clean up, I was too nervous to come on my own, so luckily Ray offered to tag along, I think he secretly wanted to meet you though. I kind of talked about you a lot. When Mikey assured me that as far as he knew you and Bert weren't together, I felt a little more confident. Then the whole Amy thing ... Man, I told you she wasn't my type ... I haven't had a girl friend since I was 13 and that was my first and last."
"S-so you're ... you're -"
"Gay? Yes Gerard, you can say it you know."
I was shocked out of my state of comatose. He certainly didn't look fucking gay!
"I know ... I was getting there. So you really didn't come on to her?" I asked. What a stupid question. Here he was spilling his heart out to me and I was still worried about who had come onto whom.
"No! But when I saw how upset you were I thought for sure you would never be into someone like me, you were still clearly into Amy. Yet Mikey kept telling me differently and I was so confused. You were doing one thing, Mikey was telling me another, I didn't know what to think. But when I finally got the guts to explain everything to you I tried calling your mobile to see if you actually wanted to me meet me at Starbucks -"
"So that was why you were there that day! The whole time I thought I had been stood up, you were there. Why didn't you come up to me?"
"I told you ... it was embarrassing. I felt so stupid. What the hell would you have thought if I had of just sat down next to you and your brother and explained I was the one that had been hitting on you in messages?"
I just sat there staring. My head still spinning dangerously. What would I have done if it had of been me in his shoes? Definitely chicken out, just like Frank had. Especially if it had of been Chris with him.
"Well, I never got the call," I explained, just so that he knew.
"Yeah I know. I called though, but Mikey answered. He told me you were in hospital! He told me what had happened with your grandma and what you had done. Fuck, I thought you were going to die, I thought I'd lost my chance. Mikey was messaging me the whole time you were there, even sent me a picture message of you lying in the bed so I knew you were alive," Frank admitted, rubbing his nose as though he was extremely embarrassed about admitting that part.
I just placed a firm hand on either side of the bed to steady myself at that point. My head was about to explode from the pain and the new information. "So that's who he was messaging at the hospital! I knew it wasn't Alicia!"
"Yeah, it was me. And I told him to keep me posted on how you were doing. So when he messaged and said he was worried about you that weekend, I came to check up on you straight away. That was the DVD night -"
Now it was my turn to cut him off. Because that night still bothered me.
"Yeah ... the DVD night where you totally blew me off! What was the deal with that?"
"Shit, I'm sorry Gerard, I didn't realise that bothered you so much."
"W-well it did ... so, what happened?" I fucking hated admitting it had bugged me, but here was Frank, spilling his heart out to me, if there was ever a time to be honest, it was now.
"You were drunk ... you were lonely and you were kind of in a bad place. I didn't want to stay because, well, you just wanted a friend, someone to keep you company, as far as I could tell that was all. That just wasn't going to work for me."
"What? Why not? Why wouldn't that work?"
Sure, by this stage, If I hadn't gotten it, I really was fucking stupid. I got it, I understood the words, but my mind couldn't quite grasp the reality of it all. Frank was gay! Frank liked me! All this time I thought he hated me, he actually hid these feelings for me.
"Gerard ... I fucking like you! I can't believe you haven't figured that out yet!"
There was silence as I took it all in. Every moment with Frank ran through my head and it all suddenly made sense. Why hadn't I fucking seen it before?
"Y-you do? Like ... as a friend as .. as more?"
"More ... a lot more. I got to admit, as stupid as you are with these sorts of things, there's never a dull moment."
"So you're the friend that Sarah was talking about! She wouldn't go out with me cause one of her friends liked me. It was you!"
"B-but ... Frank, your girlfriend."
"Girlfriend? You don't mean Sherry do you? She's not my girl friend! She wants to be, but I already told you, I haven't had a girl friend since I was 13."
"Fuck Frank ..." I muttered, clutching onto my head as I realised it was pounding so terribly it felt I had a heart beat up there.
"W-what?" Frank looked slightly worried at my sudden change of demeanor.
"No offense, I mean, thanks for helping me, but if this was all it was going to take for Chris to back off, couldn't you have just told him before that you liked me so none of this could have happened!"
Frank blushed slightly, or maybe it was my imagination, I have no idea.
"I didn't want him to know. Because, he's typical family and I knew he'd rip the shit out of me if I told him I liked you and you didn't like me back. I did try though, he didn't care, he'll ignore me until he thinks I'm going to get hurt, then he'll jump in to protect me. He's not all that bad, just really stupid."
The information was too much too fast, I suddenly felt tired, I couldn't keep my eyes open, I wobbled slightly on the spot and Frank reached out to steady me again.
"Shit Gerard, you got a pretty big beating you know, maybe I should take you to the nurse or something."
But, I wasn't listening; I just shrugged him off as I tried to take everything in. Was this all really happening? Was Frank really here?
"Frank, why the fuck didn't you tell me all this shit before?"
And then, that was it. Frank never got a chance to answer me because my body shifted dramatically and the next thing I know I saw the ceiling as my head touched the pillow and my eyes just closed. My name was called out, by Frank no doubt, but I was long gone. The aches and pains had finally just got too much for me.
When I came to, I saw a figure.
"What? No ... Mikey, Gerard. My name is MIKEY ... M-i-k-e-y..."
I groaned at my brother as he continued to point to himself and say his name slowly.
"You ... Gerard ... G-e-r-a-r-d -"
"Shut the fuck up Mikey, I get it!"
"Oh thank god. I thought your stupidity had finally taken over your brain and driven you insane."
I moaned again, because my head really was still killing me, not to mention that as I tried to sit up my body felt like it had just been run over by three trucks filled with bricks.
"Mikey ... I feel terrible."
"I know you do ... and I know what's wrong with you. I'm afraid you're suffering from extreme stupidity. You are so stupid that it got you beaten to a pulp."
"You're not helping!"
"Seriously though Gee, you feeling better? Frank told me you passed out, he was really worried."
Then, I remembered Frank again. I remembered everything he said. Frank liked me, he fucking liked me!
"Mikey, Frank likes me ..."
"OH MY GOD! It only took you this fucking long to realise that! You're infuriatingly frustrating, you know that right? All make sense now does it? So ... did you tell him you like him back? Did you tell him you want his hot man body on top of you right now?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Mikey just shrugged. "I dunno, I'm just bored with my own life I guess. So ... what's going to happen?"
I thought for a moment. What did this mean? Do I like him back? I certainly thought so ... but now that he's said it, now that he's told me he likes me, do I like him? I mean, do I really like him?
"Um ... I think that - we're going to throw him a Halloween party!"
Mikey just scrunched up his face as he stared at me in confusion.
"Oh ... um, so does that mean you two are dating or not?"
Monday, November 13th
I didn't leave my room all day today. I just sat here, thinking about Frank.
Yes, I think it's safe to say I was thinking about him all fucking day, and why wouldn't I be? He gave me so much to think about that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't sleep. Even though my body was still aching and my head was still pounding, I just couldn't shut my mind off.
I had been making out and messing around with Bert for a whole year almost, yet, it didn't feel like this. Bert had admitted he liked me at one stage, but it was Bert who said it. That was just what he did. He wasn't awkward or embarrassed when he said it, he just said it.
Frank however. He had been so genuine. He had blushed, he had stammered, he had struggled to find the right words. It just made it all that much more real in my mind.
Frank liked me. Frank fucking Iero liked me.
What the hell do I do now?
Thursday, November 16th
82 kg (another new way to loose weight, the Get Beat Up fad), 6 beers (for the pain), 78 cigarettes (for the pain) 0 joints (needed some though, just for the pain).
4 p.m. I was just beginning to wonder where Frank had gotten to when he came in to check on me today.
To be honest, I was so busy thinking about him that I hadn't realised I hadn't actually seen him since I had passed out in his presence. I didn't feel weird about it though. After his confession, I was actually glad for the distance. It gave me some serious time to think.
When he knocked on my door and entered my room today though, I jumped out of my skin. As stupid as it was, I couldn't stop wondering if he knew I had been thinking about him. What if what he said the other day had all been an illusion?
He seemed to notice my uneasiness because he looked quite crestfallen and embarrassed at my expression. So, he seemed to avoid the obvious topic of conversation all together. In fact he seemed to avoid all topics of conversation as he simply asked me how I was.
I watched him cringing slightly when he saw the state my face was in. Bruised, red and swollen, that’s what I knew he was seeing because, when I looked in the mirror, I saw the same thing. I swear it looked like someone else was staring back at me.
To say the least, things were extremely forced. It was as though the conversation we had the other day never actually happened. Then I realised it was probably because Frank had poured his heart out to me and I had just passed out.
But what am I supposed to say? If I tell him I stayed up all night thinking about him, if I told him I may just quite possibly like him back, what then? Would we go out? Could I go out with a guy?
When I didn't say much, Frank asked one more time if I was alright and then turned to leave the room looking a little upset. There was only one thing I could think to say, so I said it.
"Yeah Gerard?" he said, taking his hand off the door handle and turning to face me.
"Erm ... I'm throwing you a birthday party. I know it's late and all, but I figured we'd have like a Halloween theme seeing as though you wasted the real thing on me. I don't know when we're going to have it yet, but me and Mikey are going to be doing everything, all you have to do is show up? Is that okay?"
Frank was standing at my door looking slightly uncomfortable. Not at what I had said, more probably about the way I said it. I sounded so awkward, he looked so nervous. This wasn't right. Why couldn't we go back to hating each other again? I could talk to him so much more back then.
"That sounds fucking awesome Gee, but don't go to too much trouble alright?"
"I'll go to as much trouble as I want!" I said stubbornly, a smile spread across Frank's lips. He liked it when I spoke to him like that ... must remember that. Not that I'll need to ... Oh shut up!
So with that done he left when he realised that we really did have nothing else to say. I felt pretty horrible, but I just couldn't tell Frank if I liked him or not because I still didn't know myself.
Why was this so bloody confusing?
Sunday, November 19th
Late night. College: My room. Good old Mikey, I knew he wouldn't forget me and my promise to Frank. He called today with fantastic news ... well, kind of, depending on whether or not I'm still haunted by the last house party we had, I haven't decided yet.
"Gee, good news. Mum and Dad are going away this Friday night. Bob and all his friends said they can make it, I even got pumpkins!"
"Yeah ... you know, to carve. Its Halloween remember, just a little late. Plus, Bob's going to play all of Frank's favourite songs, I've got a list. That guy really loves the fucking Misfits Gee - make a note of that."
I just sat there, picking at the lint on my bed spread thinking deeply. Was this a good idea?
"Hey Mikes. You do remember the last house party we had right? Remember how bad that was? Are we doing the right thing? It feels like, I dunno, we're cursed or something."
"Fuck no! But come on, I'm young, I never learn my lesson the first time around and besides ... I swear to you Gerard, that there will be no chocolate sauce this time!"
"Good ... make sure of that for me wont you? I don't even want to see any in the cupboard ... none - nada - zip. Got it?"
"Trust me Gee, even the neighbors wont have any when I'm through with clearing the place out. So what do you say? We on?"
I smiled. This was going to be awesome. And, whilst I couldn't give Frank a response on how I felt just now, I knew this would be a good second best.
"Hell yeah we're on, lets do this thing. Start spreading the word. Oh ... and maybe you should invite Marcus and Chris. There his family after all and well, I think Frank would like them there."
"You sure Gee, I mean, I'm pretty sure he still wants you dead, probably even more so now that he knows you want to fuck his little cousin."
"SHUT UP MIKEY! I don't want to - ew - you're just gross," I shuddered slightly, but not so much at what Mikey had just said, it was more the realisation that had just crossed my mind. If I liked Frank, if I went out with Frank, would that sort of stuff be expected?
"And yeah Mikey, I'm sure. I'll just hide in some dark corner somewhere if he feels the need to beat me up again. After all, it's not about me, it's about Frank ... but if I die, I want you to make sure you put how selfless I was on my tomb stone ... and don't wear a suit to my funeral - that's just lame."
"Right you are Gee ... no suit ... got it!"
Mikey really was a good listener. With that, we said our goodbyes and he left me, once again, not being able to keep still when I thought about the up and coming weekend.
Tuesday, November 21st
85 kg (ack! And now that the fear of death is gone, it all comes back on again), 9 beers (hell, I could still die, the fear is still there), 22 cigarettes (what? how? OMG!), 0 joints (hmmm).
5 p.m. College: My room. I just came back from telling Frank about his party. It would have been great if it was a surprise, but I was too busy planning the party with Mikey that I couldn't be bothered thinking of a way to get Frank there without him knowing. And besides, he already knew we were throwing him one, he wasn't that stupid.
Still, our confrontation didn't go as well as I had planned. The moment I pulled him aside and tried to tell him about his party tomorrow, I froze.
I hadn't seen him in a few days again and at the very site of him I felt my heart skip a beat and my head swim with very awkward and confusing images.
At that moment it became very clear. I definitely liked Frank back.
But Mikey's words were still getting to me. How far would this go? What did Frank expect me to do? Could I be his boy friend? What the fuck would my parents, so bent on grandchildren, think about me being gay?
"Gee? You alright?" Frank asked, snapping me from my thoughts.
"What? Oh yeah ... sorry, just thinking. Um, party - yours - at my place Friday night. Don't bring anything ... just yourself."
I forced a smile, hoping to god my words made sense to him, because they certainly didn't to me. When he smiled back at me I felt my stomach do a complete summersault and I almost threw up. My hands were sweating my breathing was erratic ... what the fuck had he done to me?
"That sounds awesome Gee. Fuck ... thank you."
With that, he lifted his arm as though he was about to hug me, immediately I tensed and let out a small sort of strangled noise, afraid that if he touched me when I was in the state that I was currently in, I would probably explode as the short fuse of emotions I had left would reach the bomb in my heart.
Apparently noticing my discomfort, Frank simply approached me a little slower and ended up patting me on the arm in a kind of friendly gesture. With that we parted ways, my knees almost giving out from under me.
Now I'm safely back in my room once more, laying face down on the bed, my heart still hammering against my chest because I've just realised - fuck it - I fucking like Frank Iero.
What the fuck do I do now?
Saturday, November 25th
80 - something (It doesn't really matter anymore, I have no one left to impress), 0 beers (sooo hung over, never want to drink again), 0 cigarettes (no, no, no), 0 joints (ack!), no. of times have wished I could go back in time and kick myself in the balls: 19,888.
Noon. Jersey: The basement. Last night was party night. The moment of truth. The final confrontation.
Friday morning I arrived at mum and dad's house to find Mikey already mixing CD's with his DJ friend Bob. I hadn't forgotten the larger man from the last party. He was certainly the kind of friend I liked my brother to have. He was big, strong and he didn't take anyone’s fucking shit. Oh and, of course, he liked music.
Mikey really went all out on this one, I've got to admit.
"You'll be so proud of me, look at all the shit I got," he claimed proudly as he showed me the various Halloween paraphernalia he had set up, decorating the house. Indeed, the whole place looked like some surreal Tim Burton film. "What do you think?"
"It's the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen Mikey! But - er - just one problem..."
Mikey bit his lip as he stared at me looking nervous.
"What? You don't see any bottles of chocolate sauce do you?"
"No, no. But I do see a hell of a lot of fake cobwebs with plastic spiders in them."
"So?" Mikey said incredulously as he scrunched his face up at me.
"Mikey ... Frank hates spiders."
After we had taken down all the cobwebs and plastic spiders and hid them away safely in our parents room, it was time to carve pumpkins. I have to admit, Alicia was a good sport. Whilst us manly men sat around with out Swiss army knives cutting shapes into delicate little pumpkins, she stood in the kitchen and cooked ghost shaped cookies, pumpkin soup and then proceeded to put black dye into anything else she cooked.
It was hard to believe it was November, it seriously felt like Halloween and, even though I knew Frank was going to love it, apart of me was extremely nervous for his arrival. Because fuck, what if he didn't like it? I couldn't stand that!
"Bob, what the fuck is that supposed to be?" Mikey questioned Bob as he carved at his pumpkin very delicately for a large man, his tongue poking out between his teeth in concentration.
"What? It's a pumpkin head," Bob explained, pulling away from it to examine his art from further back.
Mikey just laughed.
"It looks like a piece of shit! Is that supposed to be its eyes? They're lopsided! And his nose, it's bigger then the mouth ... are you high or something?"
At Mikey's words and both our small fits of laughter we were suddenly witness to another side of Bob. Angry Bob.
"FUCKING STUPID THING!" he yelled, making me and Mikey stop laughing immediately and leap away from the larger man in fright as he proceeded to squash ever single pumpkin we had just carved.
"Bob! BOB! Calm down ... stop, you're ruining everything," Mikey cried out, taking a deep breath and stepping forward to place a hand on Bob's shoulder. Immediately he stopped what he was doing and stared at us with an apologetic look on his face.
"Sorry ... it's just - I tried really hard. I'm not very artistic."
After that little episode we decided to just sit Bob down in front of his turn table and give him a few beers whilst we tried to set up the shattered pumpkins around the house. None of them had faces on them, they were merely piles of goo, but we figured gooey pumpkins were better then no pumpkins at all.
When the guests finally started arriving, I immediately disappeared to drink my way through a six pack of beer. There I sat, getting drunker and drunker as the party grew slowly but surely.
"Woah Gee! It's not even fucking five o'clock yet! Slow the fuck down," Mikey said, rushing over to me and snatching the beer that was currently in my hand away from me.
"I don't care, give it back," I protested. It didn't go unnoticed that Mikey was now sculling my beer. It also didn't go unnoticed that he looked about as drunk as me.
Party animals. We lived and breathed it. We were as bad as each other.
"No! No more Gerard. Just wait at least an hour or so. What's got you all hot and bothered anyway?"
I just stared at Mikey, my heart hammering against my rib cage again as I became extremely light headed.
"It's Frank, Mikes. What if he doesn't have fun? What if this party is shit compared to the one his parents would have thrown for him had it not been for me and my incurable fucking disorder of stupidity?"
Mikey just stared at me, wide eyed, the beer in his hand now completely empty.
"Oh my god! You do like him back! I fucking knew it!"
"You're not helping!"
"Sorry, sorry. It's just - oh my god - my brother is fucking gay! I can't believe it. And what's more ... you actually like someone. I mean you dated Amy for years and I knew you didn't like her, I thought you just didn't like anyone but ... Shit! You like him? I mean, you actually like him! Of course you do! SHIT! Gee, this is big ... we need more beer. Lots more beer, we need to celebrate. Why don't you have any beer?"
I was so surprised at Mikey's outburst (and admittedly, quite tipsy) that I didn't argue with him or fight him in anyway; instead I just did as he instructed and started looking frantically around me for more beer.
When I finally found some we got out two bottles, took one each and clashed them together.
"Hey guys, what are you toasting to?" a voice suddenly called out through the noise that was the ever-growing party all around us.
I spat some of my beer out onto Mikey in surprise, because at the sound of that voice all of my fears and nerves were back again.
"You Frank ... that's what," Mikey said, a huge grin on his face. "Here, have one, you have to skull it, it's your party and your not even drunk yet!"
Frank giggled softly as he took the offered beer, tapped it gently against Mikey’s and mine and then quickly skulled the whole thing. I was impressed.
"Too easy," Frank shrugged as he placed the now empty glass on the counter and burped loudly.
At that moment I was filled with pride and, in all honesty, it was because this incredible beer drinker in front of me, this guitar playing punk guy with all his tattoos and popularity actually had a thing for me. Gerard Way, the fucking art nerd!
All my fears and all my doubts were washed away as I grabbed three more beers and handed one out to each of us. I lowered myself slightly to Frank’s level and stared him right in the eyes.
"Bet you can't fucking beat me but," I challenged.
"Oh you are so on it's insane," Frank said, glaring right back at me.
And it was surely on as the three of us touched the bottles to our lips and we downed all of the beers contents in a matter of seconds. Mikey ended up with half of it in his mouth and the other half down the front of his shirt as half way through he started laughing uncontrollably for some reason causing the beer bottle to slip from his lips and dribble away down his clothing.
"I win!" I yelled happily, holding my arms high above my head. The hand that still clutched the bottle spilled some froth into my hair, but I was too hyperactive now to care.
Frank, apparently a little tipsy, just threw an arm around me in some form of congratulations. As he did, I suddenly remembered something and I put my arms down and stepped away from him a little unsure of myself.
"What's up?" Frank asked, accepting another beer from Mikey before he disappeared, apparently sensing that Frank and I might like to be alone.
"N-nothing," I said, grabbing another beer for myself and taking a large sip.
"Come on Gerard, aren't we past all that now. What's wrong?"
"Well ... is this okay Frank? I mean, are you having fun? I know it's not your real birthday and all, it's not even really Halloween, but well, I didn't know what to say to you after the other day and I don't want you to think I've been avoiding you because of what you said. I wasn't sure if I liked you back or not, so I didn't want to say anything at the time. But, I still wanted to show you I cared ... and this is all I could come up with. I just hope it's enough."
Frank just stared at me with a perfect smile spreading across his tanned face, his lip ring tightening with the friction it caused.
"Gee ... it's fucking awesome! This is the best belated birthday I've ever had."
With that, there was an awkward sort of moment where I looked from Frank to his smile, to his eyes, to his lip ring, to his hair, to his lips - god, just thinking about it again makes me want to kick myself. I was a fucking adult; I wasn't supposed to feel awkward about things like that.
"There is just one thing though," Frank suddenly said, causing my own smile to drop.
"W-what? Spiders ... did we forget to take one down? I swear I checked and double checked to make sure we had gotten them all."
"Huh? No Gee, not that. It's the pumpkins actually. I've got to ask, what the hell happened to them?"
At that moment I just paused before I doubled over in laughter. Seeing things from Frank's point of view, it did look pretty fucking weird to see a whole heap of beaten up pumpkins scattered around the house.
"Oh that? It was Bob. You should have seen him ... it was like he had been possessed by the hulk. Bob - ANGRY!"
It didn't need any further explanation; Frank understood my joke and the two of us promptly fell into another fit of laugher. This time we didn't bother stopping and I'm not sure what happened but as I stood there, watching him between my own drunken, happy tears I suddenly found the beer giving me the courage to stick out my hand towards Frank.
"I've got to give you your birthday present," I said, wriggling my hand around in front of his chest, so he knew that I meant for him to take it.
"Aw Gerard, you didn't have to get me anything, I'm pretty sure this is enough," he said, but he took my hand nonetheless, the contact causing electricity to run up my arm and jump start my heart into another explosion of rib rattling beats.
As I led Frank to the hallway of my parents house I caught site of the dark sky outside and the crowds of people all chatting and dancing happily, once again, outside on our front lawn. Time could certainly fly when you were drunk.
When I was satisfied that we were away from enough people I turned to face Frank, not letting go of his hand. He just looked around the hall way, apparently quite confused that he couldn't see a present of any kind anywhere near us.
"Is this it? Do I get to keep your hallway?" he asked, teasing me.
He giggled again, that high pitched sound becoming the one thing that sent my mind and my heart over the fucking edge. I grabbed his collar and roughly pulled him towards me, silencing his laugh by pressing my lips forcefully into his.
For a moment I absolutely marveled in the fact that I had got the upper hand, I had caught Frank Iero off guard! But it didn't last long. The next thing I knew Frank steered me with his hands and his own lips until I felt my back crash up against the wall. The embrace never faltered but I was definitely not in control anymore.
My kissing was rushed, it was needy, that was just the way I kissed, but Frank, he was slow, he was patient and he was like some fucking expert! I felt clumsy and pathetic as I missed his lips a few times but he merely giggled into my mouth and continued to move my head and therefore my lips back into the exact spot he needed. It didn't take long before I was practically melting in his arms, I couldn't even remember where the fuck I was.
Then, the moment was shattered as we heard shouts from outside in the garden. I would have just ignored them had I not have recognised one of the raised voices to be Mikey’s. What if he was in trouble?
"Fuck, that's Mikey," I said, not hesitating when I tore my lips away from Franks. My brother could be in trouble, at that moment, he was more important then the tingling feeling that was now growing in my pants.
Frank didn't complain though, the moment I said those words he stepped away from me, knowing that I would need to go to him. I felt my heart flutter again at that very gesture, but I didn't have time to dwell on it.
As I rushed out to the front yard, stumbling slightly in my drunken state, I was quite surprised to find a totally different scene to that which I had imagined playing out before me.
Mikey wasn't in any trouble, in fact, quite the opposite. There on our lawn were several guys I recognised. They were the bullies, the tough nuts, of Mikey's school. For once this drama had nothing to do with me.
From what I could gather, they had been trying to crash the party. Mikey, drunk and stubborn, just like his older brother, wasn't going to allow that to happen, so he stepped up to them. Now, of course, my scrawny brother was no match for those thugs, they may have been his age but they could rival even Chris at the best of times.
Still, Mikey stood up to them and that had been why I had heard his voice call out. Apparently he even tried to get them into a fight when they wouldn't leave. Lucky for him, someone stepped in and rescued him. And to my complete and utter surprise, that someone was Chris! The same fucking Chris that wanted me dead, was now stepping up to protect my little brother.
Minutes after Frank and I arrived on the scene, the thugs from Mikey’s school turned around and went back to their cars, defeated by the sheer fact that they knew they were no match for Chris and his mates.
I just stood there, staring dumbfounded at what I had just witnessed. Chris was helping me!
At that moment I recovered from my state of shock and ran up to my brothers side. Bob was already there, complaining about how if he had of seen the fight before Chris stepped in he would of taken care of them himself and he certainly wouldn't have let them walk away. I was glad I had other people watching Mikey's back; he could get into so much trouble sometimes.
"Mikes, what the hell?"
"I think we made a new friend," Mikey said casually, pointing at Chris who had re-grouped with his friends who were now talking animatedly about the squabble they had just had.
I took a deep breath and shouted out Chris' name. The footballer turned around to stare at me, that same "I want to kill you" look in his eyes.
"Er - thanks. For helping," was all I said, unable to think of anything else.
He just turned back to his friends and waved a dismissive hand at me, but I could see in his eyes that something had changed. Frank had said they were a close family, I now believed that, especially if he had changed how he acted towards me because of how Frank felt about me.
I was removed from my thoughts when I heard Mikey giggling next to me.
"What are you laughing at?" I asked suspiciously as Mikey whispered something into Bob's ear causing a smirk to grow on his face as well.
"Your hair," Mikey giggled, pointing upwards. "What have you been doing? You have bed hair."
If I hadn't of been so drunk I probably would have blushed from embarrassment I couldn't even remembered Frank's hands being in my hair, but as it was, I just giggled along with them until I was suddenly hit by another thought.
What had I just done?
I liked Frank, at that moment, I knew that for sure. But what had just happened was real, very real; I had not kissed someone like that in a long time. Yet, everywhere I looked I saw boys and girls holding hands, making out or just chatting each other up. This wasn't normal; I wasn't supposed to like a boy.
What I had just felt between Frank and me was lust, pure and simple. How far would that go? How far was I willing to let that go? I couldn't be with him, it meant too much. I couldn't even begin to comprehend the sexual complications of a gay relationship. I wasn't gay, that stuff didn't appeal to me.
"Earth to Gee, you okay? You're eyes have gone all glazy," Mikey said, stumbling forwards slightly as he hiccoughed.
"Beer ... I need more fucking beer," I shouted as I felt myself hyperventilating slightly. I was so sure, now I didn't even know what the fuck I wanted anymore.
Somehow the alcohol already in my system made everything seem so much more real. It made me think I had to make up my mind about Frank right then and there when really I had all the time in the world.
Now, lying in my bed at home, I would do anything to take back the next chain of events.
Sensing my panic, Bob immediately sat me down and disappeared only for a second to get me as much beer as he could carry. He was a good guy, they both were, for Mikey sat right by my side, matching me drink for drink, trying to get out of me what was wrong.
"I don't understand, you're all panicky ... did I say something wrong?" Mikey questioned.
He had been so happier earlier when I admitted I liked Frank, what would he say if I told him I was actually scared? His older brother was scared to death of liking another guy!
When I spotted Frank coming towards us I took off, I couldn't handle it. I grabbed a beer, apologised immensely to a confused Bob and Mikey and hurriedly stumbled away. I staggered through nearly every group of people earning a friendly greeting from each one.
"Best fucking party ever man," one drunk guy I didn't recognise called out to me.
I found a secluded corner and sipped at my beer. By this stage I was pretty drunk and therefore so out of it I didn't notice someone come and sit by me until I felt a hand on my shoulder and that dangerously sexy voice say "hey."
"F-frank?" I squealed a little unexpectedly as I spun around, falling off the concrete step I had been sitting on rather stupidly as I did so.
"Gerard? Everything okay?" Frank asked, but I could tell by the sad look in his eyes he already knew that no, everything was in fact not okay.
"I like you Frank, god I fucking do. B-but I can't do this. I don't know what you expect from me, but I can't do this ... I - I just can't. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do with you, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with you, I don't even know what I fucking want to do with you."
My voice was one terrible slurred mess but the words seemed to hit hard and Frank just shook his head as he stared at me with that same crestfallen look.
"Gee, I don't expect anything from you. If this is too much, just say so, but if you like me and I like you, I don't see what the problem is."
Frank was drunk to, I could tell, but I was a different drunk, I never knew when to stop. In my head was a jigsaw puzzle of thoughts and feelings and no matter how hard I tried it was impossible to piece them together. None of them fit!
"I'm so sorry Frank ... I can't do this. I can't be in a relationship with you. Fuck I haven't committed to anything in years, not even my own girl friend. I can't do it Frank ... can we just be friends? Can we try again; can we please just be friends this time?"
To my great surprise Frank shuffled away from me looking as though I had just picked a glass model of his heart and thrown it at the ground so ruthlessly it had shattered into a million tiny pieces.
"Fuck ... you can't be serious. I can't just be your friend Gerard! You don't understand, I like you too much for that, it won’t be the same. I can't just be your friend, trust me, it won’t work. Come on Gee, talk to me, tell me what's wrong, what can I do to fix this?"
I just stared at him, unable to think, unable to move. I wasn't ready, he was forcing me, I couldn't handle it. It was at that moment that I realised my eyes were leaking. I WAS FUCKING CRYING! Of all the stupid fucked up things. The alcohol had messed with me again, it was causing the tears to just spill out from me without my permission.
"Don't ask me that Frank. I don't know. It's too much, too soon. I need time to think ... I can't think. I don't know what I want, but it can't be you. It's not right Frank, it's just not."
Frank slowly but surely stood up then, blinking a few times as though he to was going to start crying too, this only made me sob more. Great, now I had fucking upset him.
The words I had just said ran through my head. Harsh and cruel, that’s what they were. I knew Frank had taken them the wrong way, meaning I couldn't be with him; I couldn't be gay because it wasn't right. And, perhaps that was what I meant, but I hadn't meant to say it out loud.
"I don't get it Gerard. You lead me into that hallway just now, that was all you. I thought I was only doing what you wanted."
I tried to find words to say back, somehow I had hoped he would just walk away and let me cool off, I was sure I'd regret it all in the morning, but something kept him there. He liked me so much he needed to fix things right then and there; he had waited too long for me.
Crying more now, I buried my head in my hands feeling stupid beyond belief, but the next thing I know someone rushed to my side, brushing fingers through my hair soothingly.
"Gee, what's wrong bro? What happened?" Mikey asked, drunken concern dripping off every word.
"Mikes, I can't - what's wrong with me - why can't I?" I wouldn't have made any sense to a sober person so I don't know how I expected my equally wasted brother to understand.
"What did you do to him?" Mikey asked, this time turning his attention to Frank.
We were drunk, this was all getting blown out of proportion, looking back, I wanted to kick myself in the balls and tell myself to wake the fuck up and act like an adult, but you never do get what you want.
"Nothing. He just flipped out over - well us, I guess," Frank explained, stepping forward as though unsure whether he should help calm me down or not.
"Mikes, I can't be with him, I just can't," I sobbed, trying to say it only to my brother, but any drunk knows that when you whisper when you've had too much to drink, it only comes out in strangled shouts.
"It's okay Gee, calm down," Mikey said, rubbing my back gently.
"Mikey, I swear I don't know what happened," Frank explained, finally taking a step towards us, guilt lining his features.
To my great surprise, Mikey left my side, only to stand up and face Frank. He wasn't angry when he spoke, but there was an air of superiority in his voice that was hard to ignore.
"Frank, I'm sorry but I think you should back off. My brother isn't interested in you."
The words were like a slap across the face not only to Frank, but to me. I knew exactly why Mikey said them. I was his brother; he was sticking up for me. I don't think he actually meant anything that he said, but he had to say it, if only to stop me from crying and if only to give me some space to think.
I could see that Frank was beyond crushed but I think, deep down, he too understood why Mikey said it and he nodded his head slowly and turned away from us. Mikey just sat back down by my side until Bob joined us again with more beer. I drank and drank until my eyes grew sleepy and my movements were so clumsy I was falling all over everyone.
The last thing I vaguely remembered was Frank waving at us as he got into a car that I recognised to be his friend Rays. My heart sank into my feet at the site. Was this what I wanted? I had ruined everything all over again! Our parties were cursed!
Mikey's reassuring hand was back, this time wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me into a sloppy, drunken hug. I just put all my body weight against him, too smashed to hold my head up. When I heard my brothers words, I seemed to sober up slightly at the severity of them all.
"Gee, you're an idiot, you know that right?"
He wasn't referring to my tears, he wasn't referring to my sudden spaz attack, he was referring to what I had just lost. He was referring to Frank.
I just stared up at him, my lower lip trembling pathetically once again.
"I know Mikey, I fucking know!"
AN: OMG! I'm like so so so sorry it took so long, he he he. Thanks so much for pushing me guys and for reading and yes, I am sorry for the way this chapter ended, but it's perfect. Pure and simple. I'm all set up for the final chapter, HURRAH!
And yes, there will still be a sequal after this is done but I will be taking a break to finnish my other stories first and then I will return to this. Hope you love it :)