Drama - drama - draamaaaaa!!! Lol... erm... yeah...
My stomach churned uncomfortably as I wondered why I had done that? I couldnt hurt Gerard like that, but at least we hadnt done anything. In fact, the only reason we shared a bed at all was to comfort each other, like friends should do. Soothed by this thought, I got out of bed and pulled my clothes from last night on, the small clock on the wall showed me that it was only nine in the morning - the smell of coffee clearing my senses and causing me to make my way down to the kitchen.
"Morning." I yawned, Mikey smiled and returned the greeting, he picked up two cups of coffee and moved over to the table where I had just sat down, he handed me one and I sipped it thankfully.
"Did you sleep okay last night?" Mikey asked, I nodded with a small smile and continued to drink as Mikey went back over to the side and picked up two plates of poptarts and sat down, handing me one.
"I was going to bring you breakfast in bed." He laughed, I chuckled with him, feeling happy here. Gerard was well and truly in my thoughts but sat here in Mikeys warm kitchen, golden sunlight washing through the window - it was just impossible for me to worry too much. I had been worried that after last night I would feel awkward around Mikey but we had a normal conversation over breakfast and we were both at ease. It wasnt until half ten that I decided I should get back and check up on Gerard, though I was sad to leave this place to go back to the worry home I seemed to be living in.
"I should go Mikey. Thanks for letting me stay here, I really am grateful." I said as I went through to the hallway, Mikey following me with a crestfallen expression, much like the one I had got off Gee the night before.
"Dont mention it Frankie, like I said - my doors always open. Drop by any time." Mikey smiled warmly at me and I smiled warmly back, zipping up my jacket and opening the front door, stepping outside as I said a cheery goodbye. I had barely got off the doorstep when Mikey grabbed my hand and pulled me back, spinning me round to face him.
"Wait - " He gasped, pulling me suddenly into a kiss. My eyes went wide and my body tensed, the only thing keeping me upright was Mikeys hand on my back. Our lips were motionless though pressed tight together and I felt warmth spread through my face in a blush. I eventually came to my senses and broke the contact, taking a step back.
"M - Mikey.... No, Mikey we cant." I was at loss for words as to explain why, though I should have seen this coming I was still in a state of shock. Mikey bit his bottom lip nervously and took a step towards me, I felt paralysed.
"I know... I know we shouldnt... and we wont but - please, let me have a moment, just one -" His words were begging and when he gently placed a hand on my cheek and once again covered my lips with his own I didnt resist, how I could I deny him just one moment? His lips worked slowly against mine and it was the softest, sweetest kiss I had had in a long time. In the back of my head I pretened it was Gerard, Mikeys lips felt almost the same and when we slowly pulled apart tears came into my eyes as I looked into Mikeys, his eyes were the same colour as Gerards... but he wasnt Gerard. And it hurt me to realise what I had done, what I had been feeling these past few days was because I missed Gerard - the old Gerard. The Gerard who would hold me and kiss me, would make me feel alive, and so I had sought out the next best thing, the person most like the man I loved, and the only person who came close to being like Gerard was Mikey.
"Mikey -" I began, but he cut me off with a finger placed over my lips.
"No. I understand - your right. We cant do this. Fuck, I'm sorry Frank, I dont know what came over me." I saw in Mikeys eyes that he truly meant it, and I nodded, quickly hugging him before saying.
"I'm sorry too. Look, I need to get home. I'll... call you later, about Gee." I said quickly before turning and walking quickly away, I heard the door shut gently as Mikey went back inside.
"Gee? Gerard, babe are you home?" I called. The apartment was quiet and everything was exactly as I had left it. I looked in the bedroom and kitchen for Gee but couldnt find him, my stomach went tight with sadness as I realised he must be at Berts. I decided not to think on it and go see if the bathroom needed cleaning or anything, but when I opened the bathroom door I felt as if my world had just collapsed. My head span and my knees gave way, causing me to fall painfully onto the floor. I crawled over to the bathtub and leaned over the egde, tears streaming down my face. Dont be dead, fuck dont be dead.
"Ge - Gerard.... Gerard, Gerard can you hear me!?" I cried, reaching into the water to grab his hand. The water was icy cold, just like his skin, his entire body had gone a pale blue tint and his lips purple.
"Hmmm.... Uhh..." He rolled his head to the side and yawned, his teeth chattering. The tears stopped as my jaw dropped and my eyes grew wide.
"Gerard - Gerard, oh my god!" I lunged forward, seizing his body and pulling him into a tight hug. "Fuck, your alive. Your okay!" I cried. His body shook from cold and he whimpered slightly. Finally coming to my senses I jumped into action, wrapping my arms tighter around him and heaving him out of the bath. Earning an annoyed whine.
"Uhh...waaah?" His eyes remained closed and he didnt seem to know I was even there.
"Gerard you need to get warm, you need to!" I cried, seizing the two towels that hung on the radiator, which thank god was switched on. I wrapped them tightly around his freezing body and pulled him into my lap, rubbing the towels over his body, trying to warm him quicker. My whole body quaked from fear even as colour began returning to his skin and he snuggled up into me, resting his head against my chest.
"Oh Gee.... I'm so sorry.... I'm so sorry..." I whispered, rocking him against me. As he became more aware his eyes slowly opened and a bright smile covered his face when he saw me.
"F - Frankie... You came back..." He whispered. Tears filled my eyes as I looked down at him.
"Of course I did, I told you I would. Oh Gerard... why did you do it? Why did you try to kill yourself?" I whimpered. A look of horror swept over his exhausted features and he seemed to only now realise that he was wrapped up in warm towels.
"Wah?... I - I didnt. I was sick last night and so I took a bath to clean myself up... I.... I must have fallen asleep." Gerard blushed and looked sheepishly away. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, now noticing the vomit covered clothes in the corner.
"Oh Gerard -" I pulled him tighter against me, feeling his arms come out of the towels to hold me back. "You could have drowned, baby you should never fall asleep in the bath. I should never have gone out - I should've stayed and took care of you." The overwhelming feeling of guilt washed over me and my breath hitched in my throat, what would have happened if I had stayed out longer? How could I have been so heartless and stupid as to leave him alone? What the fuck was wrong with me? Gerards fingertips brushed my cheek as he struggled to sit up and brush his fingers through my hair.
"Frank, dont feel bad. Its my own fault." Gerard offered me a smile but I couldnt return it. He saw this and tried again, his voice quiter. "I'm gonna try to stop drinking Frankie... I really am... if... if your prepared to help me." His eyes filled with fear, as if he actually thought I would say no.
"Oh god Gerard of course I'll help you, I've been trying to help you for months." I cried. He smiled sadly and kissed my cheek, I could tell his energy was swiftly going.
"I know. I'm sorry." He said, sounding drowsy. I quickly got to my feet, carrying him in my arms and using all my strength to get him into the bedroom, I lay him on the bed and went to find his full length skeleton pyjamas, the warmest ones he had. He tried to ask me what I was doing but didnt have the energy to as I helped him into the nightwear.
"Gerard, you've been sat in a cold bath all night, you need to keep warm and sleep for a while. I'm gonna get you some poptarts, I'll be right back."
"I'm not hungry." He whined and I stopped in the doorway to see him burrowing under the covers, making me smile.
"I know babe, but you need sugar for energy. And poptarts are the sugariest things I know." I said before hurrying out of the room to get him some poptarts, and an energy drink. When I returned he was already falling asleep and I had to sit behind him so he could lean his tired frame against me as he slowly ate the poptarts. He drank half of the energy drink before declaring he really didnt want anymore.
"Okay, well, get some sleep okay?" I said quietly, moving away from him and allowing him to lye down, I pulled the covers over him and tucked him in, kissing his cheek.
"Will you stay with me for a while?" He yawned. I agreed and lay close beside him, wrapping my arms around him and transfering my body heat to him, kissing the back of his neck.
"I'm sorry... for everything. I love you." He whispered, his eyes fluttering closed.
"I love you too Gee. So, so much." I whispered back. If only he could know how bad I felt, bad for leaving him, bad for kissing Mikey, bad for ever getting mad at him.
I waited until he was asleep before allowing myself to cry.