Maybe things are supposed to hurt like this. Maybe things are meant to hurt when they’re right. And wrong. I wanted this to hurt. I wanted to hurt. I wanted hurt. I wanted to be devoured by it. T...
Maybe things are supposed to hurt like this.
Maybe things are meant to hurt when they’re right.
I wanted this to hurt.
I wanted to hurt.
I wanted hurt.
I wanted to be devoured by it.
To be the very definition of pain.
I wanted it all.
I wanted people to smile pityingly at me when I walked by.
I wanted people to shuffle awkwardly past me and fall silent as I entered a room.
I wanted it.
But never thought about it.
I only took being an outcast for granted.
I thought...That’d be cool. And no one would forget me. I’d always be in their minds.
I was always so afraid of being forgotten.
So afraid, that I was swallowed by the fear and forgot who I really wanted to be.
I was the one whose seat in class was always in the back corner.
I was the one whose name would be called on the register, but I never needed to reply, for someone could spot me coming a mile away.
I was the one who everyone knew.
And everyone wished they didn’t know.
I was the one everyone learned to ignore.
The few new kids would ogle at me from across the classroom, until someone told them to stop.
I was the one everyone secretly hated.
Or secretly loved.
Or secretly feared and was the source of their nightmares.
I was the one who was finally getting what they wanted.
And...Never being forgotten.
Until she came.
The girl with the constant smile, who waved at everyone who even glanced her way.
The one who was beautiful and charming.
The one who everyone wanted to know.
The one who everyone would remember over me.
I hated her.
But at the same time, I couldn’t help but stare at her and wish I was her.
The girl who everyone knew and no one ignored.
The girl who had everything I wanted.
But I couldn’t bring myself to hate her properly.
It was jealousy that drove me to do what I did.
What I did that night.
Which I had never really planned to do in my life.
She’d always been kind to me.
In every class she’d opted to work with me when no one else did.
She’d make conversation with me like I was the next normal kid.
She’d hug me goodbye after classes and wave as she walked away.
She was the one that I fell in love with.
But she was ruining me. I was being noticed.
People were saying Hi to me and waving in the corridors.
They were smiling at me and saying how they wished we had been friends.
I was always frowning, wondering how one person could ruin a lifetime of detachment.
Why would she?
Why would someone...?
If only I could understand...
It’s too late now.
People will remember me now.
And for all the wrong reasons.
That was the way I always wanted it.
Now I have it.
The permanent way.
Through a perfect Death.
At least...I’d like to think so.
My funeral had almost no one there.