-Evie- probably the best chapter i've written :) R&R!
She lost it. She lost the baby and it was all my fault. If I’d have never went out with Pete last night, she wouldn’t of gone to the band practise, she wouldn’t have lost her temper... and she wouldn’t have fallen.
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, when William came out and told us. Us being me, Patrick, Ryan, Brendon, Spencer and... Peter. When he told us, tears were slowly running down his face, and I could tell he was trying not to, and be strong for Holly. This thought brought tears to my eyes which then cascaded over my cheeks.
I ruined their lives. I killed their unborn baby. It’s my fault... I got up from the white plastic chair and began to book it out of the hospital. I’m a murderer, I shouldn’t be anywhere near them. I began to run once I had left the doors, and made my way back to Ryan’s to get my things. Once I had gotten inside, I ran up to my room, grabbed my backpack and grabbed my journal out.
After rummaging around my bag for a pen, I took the cap off and set the pen to paper.
‘To Adrienne, Ryan, Brendon, William and Holly,
To make this easier for everyone, I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.
Adrienne, thank you for all the years you took care of me at the shelter. Thank you for letting me into your home, and thank you for acting like a mother to me when I didn’t have my own.
Ryan, thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for trusting me, thank you for caring and thank you for helping me when I needed it. I really do hope the band goes far.
Brendon, thank you for... being you. I’ve never felt what I feel for you before and it scares me. But that’s not why I’m running. I’m going to miss you, even though we haven’t hung out as much as I’d have liked. I wish you all the best with Panic! And I hope you find a great girl (or guy) to love you.
William, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for what I’ve now put you through. I can’t even begin to comprehend the pain you must be feeling. The only true pain I have felt was physical, and I’m sure my pain doesn’t even begin to match yours.
And Holly, my friend, my sister... I am sorry to you the most. It is my fault you lost little Liam or Makayla. If I’d have never gone on that ‘date,’ if you can even call it that, with Peter, none of this would have happened. I’m sorry I lied to you, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend to you. If I’d have never met you, I’m sure your life would have been infinitely better. Please hate me. I can’t stress that enough. As I said with William, I can’t even comprehend the pain you’re going through and I’m the cause of that. So, I don’t care if you hate me. Well, I do care, but it’s your decision. I’m sorry that you met me.
To all of you, I love you all and I’m sorry for the mess I’ve caused. I wish you all the best of luck in life. Oh and Pete? I’m sorry that I caused you so much trouble, and that you got punched in the face. I don’t like it when people get hurt and that’s all I’ve been doing... I’m so sorry.
Another thing, Ryan, if you feel the need to tell, then tell. I can’t stop you.
Forever and eternally sorry,
A few tear drops had made their way onto the page but I didn’t care. I wiped the excess ones from my cheeks and put my journal and pen back into my bag. I pulled out my thin and worn jacket and pulled it on before closing up my bag and swinging it onto my back. I left the letter on the bed along with Ryan’s phone and the key. I slowly made my way down the stairs and walked outside, locking the door behind me. I took one last look at the house before walking down the street, forcing myself not to look back.
I crossed my arms over my chest trying to keep myself warm from the wind that was blowing like crazy. By now, I’ve been walking for a good 2 and a half hours and it’s dark out. My eyes set sight on a decent looking alley way and I made my way over to it and sat myself behind the dumpster. The ground was cold and wet, and in a strange way... I missed this. Me taking care of me, and not having to worry about hurting others because that’s all I seemed to do.
Holly came into my mind and brought tears to my eyes. William’s face then joined hers, followed by Ryan, Adrienne and Brendon... even Pete. I buried my face in my hands and began sobbing quietly. I couldn’t believe how much damage and mess I had brought into their lives. I laid my backpack on the ground and rested my head upon it before bringing my legs up to my chest, trying to keep warm.
For the first time in a long time, my dreams were filled with well- they were nightmares. Monsters morphing into people, people morphing into monsters, being chased by... things and violent red eyes. These nightmare haven’t happened in forever and I was glad, but in a weird way, I welcomed them back with open arms, knowing that it was what I deserved.
This whole situation has caused me to think about the last few years I had known Holly, and who I met through her. But first I had met William. We went to the same public high school and were in a few of the same classes together. One day, William and I caught the bus and met Holly on it. Sparks flew and they exchanged numbers by the end of the ride.
Soon after meeting them, Holly and I instantly clicked becoming the best of friends. Instead of going to the shelter straight after school I’d go to her house or the music store for a few hours then head to the shelter. I never liked imposing upon people or taking their things. If Holly ever bought me something, I’d decline as nicely as I could but she’d find a way to make me cave in... Or shove it in my, ever following, backpack without me noticing.
When I turned 16, I quit living in the shelter and decided to go off on my own, living in the streets and going back only for food or a shower if I needed it. Even then I felt like I was imposing. It was at the shelter that I met Adrienne who would always act motherly towards me and help me in whatever way possible.
I remember one year when Holly asked me when my birthday was... I couldn’t tell her because I didn’t know it! I don’t know my birthday, my parent’s names, if I have any siblings, I don’t even know my last name! When Holly asked me, I told her the first that came to mind which was Hale.
She would come to me if she had problems with her parents, brother, other friends or William and I would always listen. I decided that I’d never tell her if I had any problems for she wouldn’t be able to help even if she tried, so why worry her?
The first time she saw bruises on my arms, legs or face, she’d asked what happened and I had to lie. I hated lying to her. It made me feel even more like the scum that I was.
I can’t believe that by going out with Peter to help Ryan’s band out I became a murderer. I just... I wish it never happened. I wish that I had never gone to Peter with their demo. I wish that I never agreed to go on a date with Peter. I wish I’d have run out of that club when I had the chance. I wish I didn’t give up my dignity in a roomful of people. I wish that Peter didn’t force himself onto me... I wish I could take it all back. But I can’t. I’m just human scum now.
Scum. That’s all I was. Murdering, life ruining, useless scum.