Categories > Games > Final Fantasy 9

Unaware

by fairady 2 Reviews

Freya and Amarant for the 1 Sentence challenge.

Category: Final Fantasy 9 - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Romance - Characters: Amarant Coral, Freya Crescent - Warnings: [!!] - Published: 2006/03/14 - Updated: 2006/03/15 - 2348 words - Complete

Reviews

  • Unaware

    (#) fyre_byrd 2006-03-31 08:23:53 AM

    I really like the way you address the strangeness of a physical relationship of any kind between Freya and Amarant in "Kiss."

    Your description of both Freya and Amarant's extreme strength and resistance to pain is an excellent way of showing what they do have in common.

    I like the way Freya gets angry over being called "soft" and completely misunderstands Amarant.

    I really like Happiness, with its implication that Amarant would actually like a soppy happily ever after.

    I like the way Amarant wants to examine Freya's ears - it implies that he wants to know every bit of her andthat's rather sweet.

    I love how you manage to make Freya seem sexy, even though Amarant only needs a warm body in his bed. I like how Freya exceeds his needs and makes him realize he needs more than he initially thought. That is a wonderful way of showing love.

    I love how "Sex" actually denies the reader any real sense of being able to see what it is that Freya and Amarant do. All we get to know is that they have to work at it and they like that. It's as if Freya and Amarant are drawing a curtain of privacy around themselves.

    I love the phrase: "rat-tailed temptress."

    I love the way "Freedom" and the ability to fight are somehow intertwined in Freya.

    Life and Jealousy are so bitter, although I can imagine Freya forging a link with Fratley just for the sake of her country.

    I love the light moment of comedy in "Technology."

    I love "Innocence" and I agree completely with Puck.

    You write about Freya and Amarant's relationship very convincingly. You really have insight into their characters. I especially like the way you hint that Amarant is a big softie even though he acts so gruff and mean.

    Nitpicking:
    In #1 there's no need for the semi-colon, there should just be a comma before "yet."

    In #3 I'd add semi-colons between all of the items in between the dashes, rather than commas.

    In #5 "Quina may be a world renown chef but there was only so much one could do when the only thing around to cook were potatoes;" I would change "renown" to "renowned" and write "but there is only . . . when the only thing around to cook is . . ."

    #6 I would change the first comma to a semi-colon. I would also change "breathe" to "breathing" and "following" to "followed."

    #9 I would change the first comma to a semi-colon. I would add "from" between "sent" and "not."

    #12 I think you can actually leave that semi-colon as a comma and "it's" should be "its."

    #13 The comma before "it's" should be a semi-colon.

    #15 The first comma should be a semi-colon.

    #16 The comma before "men like that" should be a semi-colon.

    #19 The semi-colon is unnecessary.

    #20 A semi-colon is needed before "war and danger" and omit the "and" after your other semi-colon.

    #21 The first comma should be a semi-colon.

    #24. I would change it to "Amarant isn't one for sweets" and a semi-colon before "wordlessly."

    #25 I would change both commas to semi-colons.

    #27 I would change both commas to semi-colons.

    #28 I would change both commas to semi-colons.

    #31 The comma before "it took him" should be a semi-colon.

    #32 I'd change the commas to semi-colons.

    #33 The comma before "one way" should be a semi-colon.

    #34 I would omit "but" after the semi-colon.

    #36 I would change all commas to semi-colons.

    #37 I would change the first comma to a semi-colon.

    #38 Switch the position of the semi-colon and comma.

    #43 "ships" should be "ship's."

    #44 I would changed it to "he orders" and add a semi-colon before "grinning."

    #45 semi-colon is needed before "he ignores." I would change it to "Freya bolts awake" and add "to realize" after "a moment."

    #48 There should be a semi-colon before "Freya cursed."

    #50 The comma should be a semi-colon.



    Author\'s Response: I want to thank you for taking the time to point out my mistakes to me. I've gone through and fixed my errors. I really appreciate that you took the time to go through and point them all out to me. Thank you so very much!I'm glad that I've gotten the characters down right. It was a lot of fun to write this. Freya was fairly easy for me to write, and I had to work at keeping her from hogging all the prompts. Amarant was much harder for me to write, and I was almost afraid I'd made him seem too soft when I was done. Thanks agian for the concrit.
  • Unaware

    (#) spiderflower 2006-05-12 05:44:44 AM

    All I can say about this story is that it is INCONSOLABLY BADASS.

    I love this a million times.

Log in!




Register Lost password

Filter

You won't see stories with a lower score when you browse or search. Log in to adjust filter.
0

 

Featured Story

Site Stats

  • Authors: 667951
  • Stories: 39962

Recent Stories