(KentSain) Talking to Sain really isn't good for Kent's mental health.
Written as a Christmas present for ChibiAnimeLuver on LJ
Kent was grooming his horse, which had, more recently, become one his favorite past times. He liked grooming his horse because his horse was nice and quiet and reliable, and didn't yell in his ear or almost "accidentally" shoot him with an arrow or had to pretty much be kept on a leash because he wouldn't stop hitting on women or anything like that. No, his horse just stood there, quietly being brushed. Yes, grooming his horse was really starting to become one of Kent's favorite past times.
"Kent, my boon companion, I have a question I need to ask you."
Kent froze. Oh no. Kent knew that voice. It was Sain. He did not want to see Sain right now. All Kent wanted to do was brush his nice, quiet, pretty horse - his wonderful horse that didn't do stupid things or needed to be watched constantly - and hold on to what little sanity he had left. Talking to Sain would not let him hold on to his few scraps of sanity, and he wasn't just about to give those up, dammit! He had to be one of the most sane members in the army for a reason.
"Yes, Sain?" Kent was half tempted to add 'you lout' to it, but figured Sain hadn't technically done any lout-ish behavior in the last hour, besides bothering him, that is, so that part of the comment would be unnecessary.
"Okay, so, I've got a question for you. You know how Rath and Wil have a really great sex life, right?" Sain started, but was quickly cut off by Kent before he could poison Kent's mind even more.
"No, I did not know that, nor did I need to know that. And when, might I ask, has that become a fact, that 'Rath and Wil have a great sex life'?" Kent questioned, raising an eyebrow at Sain. He wouldn't be surprised if Sain has been talking with Serra again. Why, she was the one who told him about Legault and Heath's supposed 'relationship'. Though, it had turned out to be true...
"Oh, you don't hear them? Because our tent is fairly close to theirs, so I can hear them go at it like, almost every night. And Rath must be really good, judging by how loud Wil can get. Why, I'm surprised he can even walk straight, or walk at all, the next day! And I - "
"Okay, Sain, that is enough. Now, is that the question you wanted ask, or is there more?" Kent interrupted, stopping Sain from going on a tangent Kent really didn't want to hear and willing away the rather... "interesting" mental pictures he was involuntarily thinking of. Well, it did explain why Wil walked oddly sometimes, but Kent really did not need to know about Rath and Wil's sex life, regardless of how 'good' it might be.
Oh, his sanity, how it burned when Sain was talking to him.
"No, no, there's a question. So, I was saying that you know Rath and Wil have a really amazing sex life, right?" Sain started, ignoring Kent's mumbled 'apparently...'. "Well, I was thinking, early today, what would our sex life be like?"
Kent stared at Sain a moment, long and hard, as though he was crazy. Surely, Kent's ears must be playing tricks on him. There's no way that Sain could have said, 'our sex life', because that would have been implying that they were the ones that would be having sex. Surely...
".../Our/... sex life...?" No harm in checking, right?
"Yep, our sex life!" Okay, maybe there was. "So, what do you say? Wanna give having sex with each other a chance?"
Kent knew he was loosing his mind when he actually started considering Sain's proposition.
"But, but - you like women!" Yes, yes, there was a reason! Sain couldn't be serious because he loved women!
"Well, I do like women, quite a lot actually, but... you're special," Sain answered sincerely, completely missing Kent's shocked, mouth-hanging-agape look. "Though, keep in mind now, the only I guy I would ever have sex with is you. ...Though maybe Wil, too, because damned if he can't scream like anyone woman I've ever -"
"Okay, okay, that's enough, I get it," Kent interrupted hurriedly. Sain and Wil. Now that was a mental image Kent never wanted to have.
"My offer's still standing, Kent. Care to have sex with me sometime, my ever-so-boon companion?"
While Kent thought he was losing his mind for considering Sain's proposal, he knew he had lost it when he was thinking that maybe having Sain as a lover wouldn't be so bad.
...Well, if you lose your mind, you might as well enjoy it.
Now it was Sain's turn to stare and gape and Kent like a fish.
"Did you just agree! You know we're having sex, right? You know what sex is, don't you?" Kent could only nod his head.
Apparently over his shock at Kent's agreement, Sain smiled broadly. "Well then, Kent, see you in our tent tonight! I'll make sure you enjoy yourself!"
And with that said, Sain went on his merry way, whistling a loud and off key tune to himself.
Kent just went back to brushing his horse like Sain hadn't just burst in here and asked Kent if he wanted to have sex with him. Even though Kent figured it was probably just some very, very odd dream he was having, and he would wake up in the morning and - hopefully - not remember a thing, part of Kent couldn't help wishing, though Kent unsuccessfully, and rather lamely, tried to quash it, that it was true and not just some stupid dream.
Though, after that last thought, Kent decided that talking to Sain was really quite bad for his mental health.
There's absolutely nothing I can add to the end of this to make it any less weird.