"I've always loved you. I just was afraid you didn't want to be with me." I told him and some of the shine in his eyes came back; but very slightly.
xoxo Tabi ((if it says I added stuff to this, I'm just doing some editing. July '09))
Stay With Me Tonight ((Your Call Secondhand Serenade))
His delicate mouth was pulled up slightly in the corners, dragging his slim pink lips into a soft smile. His gentle hazel eyes were glazed over, staring at me with a vacant happiness. The skin that covered his frail frame was chilled and snow white as usual. Black strands of hair surrounded his head on his pillow; creating a halo-like quality. His chest sat still, no longer slowly rising and falling like it had been. His soul was free, but his body remained. It remained with me on his bed in the basement which was his room. With puffy red eyes and a broken heart, I rested my head again on his chest; holding his empty body in my arms until we were found. Gerard was gone; my Gerard was gone.
I was mindlessly playing Pansy, my guitar, on my bed at my house; trying to form a new song. My dream was always to be in a band; to be something great. My phone started ringing so with a heavy sigh, I gently laid Pansy on my bed and reached forward to snatch it. "Yes?"
"Gerard?" I said, recognizing the soft voice. "Are you ok?" It wasn't unusual for Gerard to call me at random hours; it was however unusual for him to sound scared. Most of the time he was hyper or wasted when he called. Most of the time I had to get him home from some party.
"C-can you come over?" His voice was shaky and nervous.
"Sure," I said, afraid of what was wrong with him. I knew Gerard was a very unpredictable person, but I could always tell when he was in trouble. "What's wrong?" I asked him softly. When dealing with Gerard, you must remain calm and patient. When he was wasted, I would often have to repeat myself or explain very simple things to him until he understood.
"J-just come over..." He said. I thought he was going to cry; but I knew he wouldn't. Unless he was very wasted, Gerard wouldn't cry in front of everyone. He would hide himself to cry. The only reason I knew this was because Gerard was my best friend in the world and I spent a great amount of time with him. "N-no one is h-home..."
"I'll be over in a minute, k Gee?"
"Thanks," Gerard said quietly and the line went dead; my phone beeping at me a few moments later to tell me. I shut my phone and jumped off my bed, searching my messy room for a hoodie. I didn't know what was wrong with Gerard, but I couldn't waste time. He wasn't a very stable person either and I didn't want him to make a poor, hasty decision.
"Mom, I'm going to Gerard's." I called as I pulled the hoodie over my head, quickly throwing some shoes on and sticking my phone in my pocket.
"Why?" She asked as I quickly headed for the door.
"He just called." I told her a little frustrated because I couldn't find my keys.
"I thought you were staying home this weekend." She said with a frown. Like I said, I spent a great deal of time with Gerard and my mother missed me. At least I know I'm loved.
"I know but there was something strange in the way he was talking to me. His voice was shaky and afraid." I told her, turning over everything in my path to find my car keys. "Can I borrow your car?"
"Be careful and don't stay any longer than you have to. I miss you you know." She said, reaching into her purse that was on the table and pulling the keys out. I grabbed them, hugged her, and raced to the door. I had already spent a good five or ten minutes that were precious.
The sky was dark and the air was cold as I quickly headed to my mom's car, shoving the key in the door to unlock it. Swinging it open, I fell onto the seat and quickly pulled the door shut; cramming the key into the ignition and hastily twisting it. As the engine came to life, I yanked the seatbelt over my body then fixed the rearview mirror. I wouldn't be any help to Gerard if I didn't make it because I got into a car crash. Once set, I put the car in reverse, backed out of the driveway, shifted it into drive, and pressed the gas pedal down; turning the wheel to straighten myself on the road as I headed to Gerard's.
Fortunately, the distance wasn't great so it only took me a few minutes to get there. When I reached the Way residence, I noticed that no lights were on at all. I parked the car on the side of the road, fighting with the buckle for a moment to get it undone before shoving the car door open and jumping out; slamming the door shut again as the seatbelt hung out. I ran to the front door, knocking a few times but getting no reply. Shaking the knob, I realized it was locked and I quickly became very worried.
Giving up on the front door, I ran around the house to the small window that was connected to Gerard's room. Pressing my face against it, I couldn't see anything because it was dark and there were no lights on. Sitting on the ground, I pulled my knees to my chest then forced them in front of me; smashing the glass with my feet. "Gee?" I called into the room.
"Frankie..." I heard his voice, but just barely. With a deep breath, I worked on getting myself through the window. I could feel the glass sliding along my skin, ripping me open and letting blood slip out. Some glass even went through my skin but I had to get to Gerard. I knew it wasn't good at all. While I worked on getting myself in, I took deep breaths and bit my lip, holding back tears because of the pain.
When I finally made it inside, I heard shards of glass crunch beneath my feet as I stood on his desk. I knew Gerard's room perfectly and could find my way in the dark easily. Quickly, I jumped off the desk and headed for the light to his room, flipping the switch on and seeing him on the bed. "You're...bleeding..." He said to me. His voice was even quieter and shakier then it was on the phone.
I looked down and noticed that I was in deed bleeding a good deal. It was from the glass. "I don't care about me." I told him, running to the bed. Gerard was sweating, but it was a cold sweat. He looked extremely exhausted and weak. "Gerard," I said, pushing his hair from his face, "what did you take?"
"Sleeping pills..." He mumbled, moving his frantically shaking hand to my arm and brushing his fingers against my seeping blood. "You're...hurt..."
"How many did you take?" I asked him, ignoring the fact that I was bleeding.
"B-bottle..." Gerard said, rubbing his fingers together and smearing the red blood between them.
"You took a whole fucking bottle of sleeping pills?!" I said, frantic and extremely worried now. It would kill him. "I'm calling 9-1-1!" I told him, standing up (I was bent over him) and heading for his phone. Gerard held weakly onto my hoodie, stopping me. "I'm going to call them!" I told him harshly. I knew he didn't want me to.
"N-no..." He said, stressed and upset now. "I-I wanna die..."
"Why?!" I practically yelled.
"Just....cuz..." Gerard mumbled, letting go of me. "I-I called you...to sit with me..." He said, hand going back to his side. I noticed he was hugging himself as though he was freezing. "Dun...wanna die...alone..."
"You're not going to die at all!" I told him, heading for the phone again. When I picked it up, I didn't hear anything. I realized he cut the cord. When I reached into my pocket to get my cellphone, I didn't find it. It must have fallen out when I ran to the house or something. "Fuck!" I yelled with frustration.
"Please...sit..." Gerard said softly to me.
"No." I told him, wiping my bloody hand on my pants. "I'm going to go find a phone upstairs." I headed to the door when I heard him start to cry. "What?" I asked, turning around.
"Sit..." He said through his soft sobs. "Please..."
"I'm not going to fucking let you die!" I said, holding back tears myself.
"What do you mean?" I looked to him with extreme worry and he shut his eyes. "Gerard;"
"They...wouldn't...make it...soon...enough..." He whispered and I almost didn't hear him.
"When did you do this?!"
"Bout..hour...before I called you." I put my hands to my head, trying to sort out my thoughts. "Sit..." He told me again and I fell to the floor.
"There! I'm sitting!" I yelled at him, still holding my head in my hands. I could feel small pieces of glass in my hand but I wasn't concerned about them. "Why?" I asked him, quiet myself now.
"Cuz..." He replied.
"That's not a fucking answer Gerard!" I shot at him, raising my head from my hands. "Tell me why the fuck you suddenly decided to commit suicide."
"'m messed up." Gerard said, looking at me with sad eyes. They were half shut and I could still see him shaking. "I dun deserve...to live..."
"Bullshit." I said, standing up again and walking to the bed. I grabbed his blanket and pulled it over him because I couldn't stand seeing him shake. I knew his body was having problems coping with the extreme amounts of medication he put into it. My own hands were starting to shake and painful tears rushed to my eyes, begging to escape. I was still bleeding but not as much as I had been. For all I cared, the cuts would get infected. I didn't matter at the moment. Gerard did.
"Lay..." He said, weakly moving himself over in the bed. With a heavy sigh, I sat on the bed and rubbed my eyes as they began to burst. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They started to seep out; small heavy drops ran down my face. They were heavy with pain; pain and regret. "Talk to me..."
"About what?" My voice was soft and pained. I knew he was going to die; I knew he was going to die and no matter what I tried I couldn't stop it. Help wouldn't make it on time. He probably only had minutes left. No amount of yelling or fighting or freaking out on him would keep him alive. All I could do was make it peaceful for him. His departure would be peaceful and loving.
"Whatever...on your...mind..." He mumbled as I gently laid myself down next to him.
"You're on my mind." I told him. Gerard raised a shaky arm again and put it over my body. He turned himself to his side so I could look him directly in the eyes. They were still half shut and glossed; the shine was very dim.
"Don't care...about me..." He said as he stared at me. His lips moved into a very faint, very soft smile.
"I do." I whispered, some more tears leaving my eyes and running down my face; across my cheeks and onto my nose where they dripped to the pillow cover. Gerard's shaking hand moved to my face and he dragged his icy fingers over my cheeks to brush away the tears. "I love you." I told him quietly. I had always loved him; been in love with him. I just never had the guts to tell him.
"I know." Gerard responded softly. His voice was shaky but it was compassionate; no longer afraid. I realized he needed me; he needed me to help him through his death. He didn't want to do it alone; he was scared. But with me, he would manage. He didn't want to leave the world alone; I knew that now.
"I've always loved you. I just was afraid you didn't want to be with me." I told him and some of the shine in his eyes came back; but very slightly.
"I've always...loved you..." He said, still smiling a little. "Just...afraid..." I smiled slightly back to him.
"If only we were brave." I said, pushing his hair back behind his head so it wasn't hanging over his face.
"Be brave." Gerard told me. "Live with bravery." He whispered. "Be brave...for both...of us..." More tears escaped my eyes. I couldn't believe he was leaving; that he was leaving me. "D-desk..." He said.
"What?" I asked with confusion.
"D-desk...you...not yet." He said and I couldn't quite understand what he meant. "Before you...leave...desk..." Gerard repeated, noticing my confusion. "Note." That single word drove a knife through my heart. He wrote a suicide note; he wrote me a suicide note. "Don't...be sad..."
"I can't be happy!" I told him as tears started pouring from my eyes now. "I'm fucking watching you die! I'm watching the person I love slowly die! Slowly dying because there's nothing I can do to save him!" Gerard's hand moved to my face again; his fingers brushing against my cheek again.
"Love...you..." He said and I squeezed my eyes shut. "K-kiss me..."
"What?" I asked, opening my eyes again.
"Kiss...me..." He repeated. "Please..." I looked at him; shocked and happy because it's something I've always wanted to do. "Want to know...what you taste like...feel like..." Sniffling, I sat up and rubbed my eyes, the glass pressing further into my skin. I gently pushed him onto his back again because the position we were in wouldn't have worked real well. "Love you...so much..." He told me and I had to wipe my eyes again as more tears started to creep out. I couldn't seem to convince myself to do it.
"My heart hurts..." I told him, wiping my eyes. His hand found the hand of mine that was on my lap. With as much strength as he could, he squeezed my hand.
"Ill ease..." He told me quietly as though he could see into the future. I looked at him and noticed his eyes dimming even more. "'m cold..." He told me so without another moment's hesitation, I quickly pressed my lips to his. I knew he had minutes left now. I had to know what it was like before he was gone; he had to know what it was like before he was gone.
His lips were soft and delicate just like I imagined. Slightly dry but the sweetest things I had ever tasted; much better than skittles. He kissed me back; even though most his energy was gone. He let the blanket slide past his arms as he moved them to my body; holding me to the best of his abilities. I moved my blood-stained hands to his face, holding it for a moment before pushing his hair upwards. When I broke away for air, he was smiling at me. "Just like I imagined..." He whispered with little strength.
"Fucking hate you." I told him, crying a little more. It was just like I imagined too; perfect. Sweet, simple, and perfect. I could never do it again though. He would be gone any moment. "Love you so fucking much." I choked as my tears started coming again.
"Lay...with me...cold..." He said and I nodded a little, sliding myself down on the bed and lifting the blanket up before sliding underneath it and pushing my hands underneath his back so I was holding him. I could feel his icy skin through his shirt and chills ran through my body because I wasn't used to it. Gerard's arms rested on my back as I put my head on his chest; the worst spot to be. I had to though; I had to be close to his heart.
"I'll miss you." I told him, my head just barely lifting and falling with the horizon of the table next to his bed.
"I'll...be...waiting..." He told me. His breath was getting shorter and I could just barely hear the soft beating of his heart. "I'll....watch...and...wait..." Gerard whispered. When I raised my head to look at him, he was still smiling softly to me and staring at me. I could see how vacant his eyes were. "Love...you..." Where his last words to me. His chest stopped moving and I couldn't hear his heart at all when I lowered my head again.
"Love you too." I whispered, quickly soaking his shirt with salty tears.
After sitting with Gerard's empty body for another ten minutes, I remembered him telling me there was a note for me on the table. I raised my head again, pressing my lips to his cold purplish ones. Pulling one hand from underneath him, I slid his eyes lids shut. Sliding my other hand from underneath him, I sat up and wiped the remaining traces of tears from my eyes. I got off the bed gently so I wouldn't disturb him. Once standing, I pulled the blanket over him; up to his shoulders. I fixed his arms so they were neatly by his side. I left his hair alone though. It portrayed the halo I knew he now had.
I looked at him one last time. He looked peaceful and I smiled before walking over to the desk. There was blood (mine) and glass on it. With one quickly swipe, I brushed it all to the ground. Towards the back, in neat thirds, was a folded piece of paper. It read 'Frankie' in neat calligraphy across it. I reached a bloody hand to it and lifted it from the desk; carefully unfolding it to read.
"Frankie; Thank you for sitting with me. I was really afraid to die alone. You made it so much easier. I know you're crying; I know you're upset. I'm watching over you now; standing right beside you though can't see me. I smiling and loving you more than ever. You're brave; strong.
I know you don't know why I left you. I'm sorry. I hope you still love me because I still love you; always have, always will. Please tell my family, our friends, that my death was not painful. You took the pain away. That kiss; that perfect kiss. I only wish we were able to share more.
Please watch over Mikey. He's going to need someone; I don't want to see him here anytime soon. Nor do I want to see you here soon either. You have so much ahead of you. I know you'll make it into a band; you and Pansy. You're the best guitarist I know.
So baby, while I get used to these wings, just shut your eyes and I'll be there; smiling at you and loving you more than ever. Until we meet again. xoxo G"
I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I was smiling. He knew exactly how the night was going to pan out. He knew I loved him and that's all that mattered. Sure I told him, but that doesn't mean he knew it. This note tells me that he knew it; and he knew that I knew his love for me. I suddenly didn't feel so broken; so pathetic and useless. I felt hope; love.
Sticking the note in my hoodie pocket, I walked to the door and opened it. I didn't know where Gerard's parents or Mikey were, but I would leave before they got home. Before I shut the light off, I looked back at Gerard's forever slumbering body on the bed. I smiled as I stared at my Gerard; my angel.
"Until we meet again." I whispered, pulling my hood over my head and turning the light off; gently shutting the door and heading up the stairs to go home.