Umbridge versus Snape and his sneaky Slytherins... Ooh, this ought to be good...
A/N: Sorry this took so long!
Also, I took the liberty of adding something towards the end regarding our beloved Harry Potter... (Wink wink!)
The moment Severus Snape came into the great hall for breakfast, he immediatly noticed the Chair of the Headmistress ..../EDIT: that froggy amphibian named Umbridge/....being empty. His mood, which wasn't bright today, brightened just a little. With a morose face he sat down and started to breakfast.
With one ear, he followed a conversation between McGonagall, Flitwick and Sprout.
"Well, Minerva, there are 15 Galleons in the pot, but you don't have any chance anymore to win this, since you lost your nerves during Potter's and Patil's career advice appointments by starting a vocal argument in the former's and 'accidentally' Silencing Umbridge in the latter's. I think Filius has won, since he had to intervene only one time. I nearly broke her spine. So what do you think?" he heard Sprout saying.
"Yes, I agree," Snape heard Flitwicks Answer. What are they talking about? he wondered.
"Alright, Alright, I'm giving up, but you have to admit, that I had with Potter and Granger those two students, Umbridge hates the most. But now for something different: Has there been bubotuber pus in the Lunch yesterday? I heard a rumor..." Snape nearly let drop the knife he was holding.
Flitwick nearly fell from his chair laughing. "Minerva, I have to thank Pomona for that. Two days ago during dinner she gave me the idea for that. She asked our Headmistress if she's doing well. That she looked like having swallowed bubotuber pus. I inducted Lisa Turpin to this idea, since Miss Turpin's career advice should take place right after lunch. And Lisa hit it promptly. Bright girl, that Lisa Turpin. In the end she improvised, stating she had a date with Mr. Potter, what drove Umbridge over the edge. The whole Lockhart-thing was just the cream-cover for all."
McGonagall and Sprout guffawed. "Alright, Filius. You won. I mean, the Ravenclaws have always been known to be very intelligent... but being so cunning, one could think they're Slytherins," McGonagall said through her laughter. Snape snorted hearing that.
McGonagall turned in surprise her head to face Snape. "Oh, Severus. Good morning. I didn't notice you."
"Would somebody be so kind to explain me, why some Ravenclaws would rather fit into Slytherin?" he grumbled with a dark look. He didn't like the thought, that some of those know-it-alls would rather fit into his house.
McGonagall, Sprout and Flitwick told him everything, what happened during the career advice appointments they had with their students. Snape listened to them scowling, but here and there the corners of his mouth twitched slightly.
"Well, and our bet is, that he or she, who at least has to intervene wins the pot. The bet is 5 Galleons for each of us. Minerva's got two penalty-points with Potter and Patil, me one and a half for nearly breaking her spine, and Filius also one and a half, since he stood up to distract her with his document as well as the thing with Hagrid's books. Half penalty point for that, because she caused to fall into the pile of books, but Filius placed her chair right in front of it," Sprout explained the bet.
Snape was thinking about. Well, there are only Slytherins in her Inquisition Squad, Malfoy in any case is her darling, Crabbe and Goyle together are so dumb like this frog... he calculated his chances. Without a word Snape reached into his pocket, took 5 Galleons out, and shoved them over to the other three now looking baffled. Without regards he stood up and left the great hall.
Severus Snape was sitting in his office in the dungeons, waiting for the first student to show up. Right beside him, there was the frog sitting, excitedly browsing through the datasheets. Right behind and above her chair, there was a shelf on the wall with one lonely book, which was standing on a kind of pedestal.
/What is this career advice even for? I don't care, what they will do later! Malfoy in any case will follow his fathers Footsteps as a Death Eater, Nott will take over his father's business, Parkinson will probably hook the young Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle are so dumb, they even can't cook water for tea. Leaving Bullstrode and Zabini/, he mused with a scowl. He looked at the Hogwarts Headmistress. /Salazar, give me strength not to desert to the Dark Lord/.
The Door opened and Theodore Nott stepped in. "Professor Snape, Professor Umbridge," he greeted both of them with a polite nod.
"Mr. Nott, you know what's this all for?" Snape asked curtly. He didn't want to waste any more time than necessary with this nonsense.
Theodore Nott just nodded.
"Well?" Snape scowled at him. From the corner of his eyes he could see, that Umbridge wanted to say something, but seeing his look she changed her mind quickly. Snape had to grin inside. Don't you dare waste my time.
"Professor, I already extensively talked to my father about my future. After a study of financial sciences first I'm going to assist him then to take over the business from my father when he wants to retire."
/Yes, I know those "businesses" of your father very well/. "Good. Mr. Nott, as a result of that it really doesn't matter which subjects you choose for the last two years. You should keep the subjects you have good marks at. You should know best which they are. Good day, Mr. Nott," Snape gave him a short shrift.
"Hem, hem," Umbridge interrupted the moment Nott prepared to leave.
Snape turned his head in slow motion to face her. "Pardon, Professor?" he asked with a voice challenging a Muggle refrigerator.
"Hem, Mr. Nott. I can't see in your datasheet what your father's business is. I...." She adressed Theodore in an unsure voice.
"... and I think, that this is only concerning my Father and his customers," Nott interrupted her with a suspicious look.
Umbridge looked at Snape for Help but had to recognize that Snape was looking a different direction. As she followed his gaze, she saw Snape switching his gaze between a glass full of frog eyes and her own eyes.
"You may leave, Mr. Nott," Snape said with a cold voice without looking at him. Umbridge swallowed as she noticed that Snape was studying her eyes carefully. Hmm, is there a possibility to substitute frog eyes with human eyes? he asked himself, mentally browsing through the recipes containing frog eyes as ingredient.
Snape was still musing about changing recipes as Millicent Bullstrode stepped in. Arrrggghhh//./ Dumbledore, why is it always me?/ he whined in thoughts as one of his/ favourite students/ came in. Except Witch Weekly and some Beauty-Magazines she never takes any parchment in her hands. /He made a mental note: /Stab the Sorting Hat with a knife for putting Bullstrode into Slytherin. I always wanted to do that.
As always, Millicent Bullstrode was all dressed up to the nines. Her hair stuck up high, her face looking like she had been fallen into an ink-pad. Snape sighed loudly. And that with a shape of a walrus.
"Well, Miss Bullstrode?" Snape asked without introduction.
"Yes, Professor. I considered working in the Branch of magical Beauty and Cosmetics. Wizards and Witches don't attach much importance to their Appearance. And I think I'm very talented for that stuff." /Sure, you're practicing it everyday on yourself/, Snape thought sarcastically. "And because there are to little good products for this, I surely will have a great success in it. Headmistress, just you for an example." Umbridge stiffened clearly. "If every witch would understand to make her Appearance so bright like yours, life would be much more beautiful," Bullstrode blabbed without taking breath and a greasy smile on her face.
Umbridge relaxed visibly, smiled and brushed her hair affectedly. Snape looked around his office. Actually, do I have a broom here? I have to order Mr. Filch to clean up my office afterwards, since it's dangerous for live to slip while brewing a potion.
Because Snape didn't seem wanting to answer this, Umbridge took her chance. "Well, Miss Bullstrode. Thank you for your compliment. I agree with you by all means." She looked at Snape in an unsure way. She noticed him studying his supply of boomslang skin. "Hem, yes, I think, Potions, Transfiguration and Charms would be appropriate." She scribbled something on her notepad.
"You may leave, Miss Bullstrode," Snape snapped. He couldn't stand this slime anymore.
As Millicent stood up and turned to the door, she addressed Umbridge once more. "By the way, Headmistress! I always wanted to ask you, what's the secret of your beauty? If you agree I could publish your advice. We could discuss about royalties for that." One could hear a loud growl by Snape.
Umbridge and Bullstrode looked at him. "Professor, is there something wrong?" Millicent asked, while Umbridge noticed he was looking at a certain part of his ingredients supplies.
"I just noticed, that my supply of nubotuber pus has vanished somehow," he growled with a look which could make a platinum cauldron melt. Umbridge gasped and went deep green in her face while Millicent, knowing the moods of her teacher very well, did the only right thing: strategic withdrawal!
The next two were Crabbe and Goyle. Snape had ordered them to come together to his office. Why should I do the same conversation twice?
"Hem, hem," Umbridge intervened. "I thought the career advice appointments are being held individually."
"Then you have thought wrong," Snape replied coldly. Umbridge looked like she had been slapped by the giant squid. /She actually can think? I have to talk to Flitwick concerning his theory/.
"Crabbe? Goyle?" he snubbed at them.
Like he had expected, they both evaded his gaze and looked to their feet. "Errr...well....umm... I already talked to Gregory about that," Crabbe started while Goyle was nodding, "...but somehow we didn't find a clue what to do later in our lives." Yes, you don't have any clue, but that's something you have a lot of.
"But my dears, there has to be something, what you would like to do later," Umbridge said with a friendly voice. Numbskull, it has to be 'something that you could do later'/. "I'm sure, that there are some jobs at the Ministry for such talented two young boys like you." /Yeah, a job as a doorstopper./ Wait! Edit! Did she said 'talented two young boys'? Sorry, but the job as a doorstopper is obviously occupied by the Frog. AND SOMETHING ELSE: I HATE IT TO BE INTERRUPTED!/
Snape saw, that Umbridge as well as Crabbe and Goyle were distracted in their discussion, which job they could get at the Ministry. /Hmmm, let me see. Over there is the pile of books I really don't use often. /He looked further around. Snape drew his wand unnoticed by the others, and aimed beneath his elbow at the pile of books and mumbled a Banishing Charm.
The pile of books fell over with a loud bang/. Umbridge, as well as the boys, looked at the pile of books. However, the topmost book fell onto a nearby standing pair of scales, which caused the other end of it to swing abruptly upwards, hurling the weight on it into the air. All gazes followed the flying weight and noticed it hitting a crystal ball on the opposite wall. /Actually, who gave me this thing for present? Must have been Trelawney on my birthday... back when she had a crush on me. Eugh.
Hit by the weight, the crystal ball jumped out of its base and started to roll along the shelf. Hmm, I didn't know that my shelf over there isn't exactly horizontally attached to the wall. Must assign Filch to correct it. The ball rolled to the end of the shelf and fell down, just to knock over a high, thin glass, standing underneath the shelf on a table. The Glass, which, besides, was standing with a lot of same glasses in one line, being knocked over caused a chain reaction.
Snape noticed Umbridge's head jolting up and down with each glass knocking over the next one. The last glass fell over and hit the cantilever arm of the big cauldron. Hit by the glass, the boom swung around just to hit the wall behind Umbridge's Chair with a loud THUD!
BAAANNNNGGGG!! Umbridge was lying on the floor unconscious.
"OUT!" he roared at Crabbe and Goyle. Both immediately bolted straight out of Snapes Office.
Snape looked at Umbridge, who was still lying there unconscious. Information to Filch: I was right, that the bolts holding this shelf were rusty. The commotion caused by the hitting cauldron has been too much for the bolts. And of all exuberances I have to repair this pedestal now. Maybe Minerva can fix this one for me.
He walked over to where Umbridge was lying on the floor and picked up a big and heavy book, which was lying near her head. "Potions - by Salazar Slytherin"/. Snape kissed the Book. /Thank you, Salazar. I've always known that I could rely on you.
Just as Umbridge, still dazed, woke up and started to heave herself back into the chair, the door opened and Draco Malfoy stepped in.
"Headmistress, what happened? I just heard Crabbe and Goyle talking that something happened to you," the blond Slytherin asked her with a greasy smile, helping her up and patting her hand. Snape sensed his stomach beginning to rumble. But just before he had to throw up, he directed Malfoy to take a seat. Snape was still holding Salazar's Book, caressing it tenderly.
"Malfoy, in what kind of job do you want to work later?" Snape asked him with a silky voice. He was still ignoring Umbridge's dazed face.
"In none, Professor Snape" Malfoy replied with an arrogant grin.
"Well, that's all..." Snape answered, but once again being interrupted by Umbridge.
"Hem, hem. Mr. Malfoy, what do you mean with '/None'/?" Umbridge demanded to know. Sprout's Idea with the Devil's weed is really good, but there are in Salazar's Book some more promising Alternatives. The Spoilt for Choice... hmm, maybe the 'Vulnero-Draught'. That one destroys all cells from within the body to the skin. If you don't bleed to death internally......, Snape mused.
"Well, it's simple, Headmistress. A Malfoy doesn't work," Draco answered, controlling affectedly his finger nails. "We Malfoys let other people work. It's beneath the dignity of a Member of the old and respected Family Malfoy to work, if that could be handled by inferior people."
Umbridge smiled/. Salazar, what a smile. If I should ever be asked what's the opposite of a Veela, I will simply answer 'Umbridge's Smile'./
"Well, I see, Draco. You are an intelligent young man," she told him. "Use your brain in this way, and you will achieve a lot in your life. You may leave now."
Pansy Parkinson was next. Snape just drew an eyebrow. Pansy said that she doesn't have to work later, since a marriage between Draco and her has already been arranged by their parents several years before. Umbridge just smiled at that, and said, that it's nice that there are still people who cared very much for Family and Descent. Snape knew that Pansy had lied. /I even don't want to know what she's dreaming at night./
Well, only Zabini left. Will the others count that Dominoe-Thing as a penalty-point? He mused waiting for Zabini. Actually, he liked the young Slytherin, but he didn't show it to anyone, as well as he didn't show that he could like anyone at all. Zabini was very talented, and above all, neither him nor his entire family had anything to do with the Dark Lord, as well as they never ever wanted to have anything to do with the Dark Lord.
"Well, Severus, is there something special you could tell me about Blaise Zabini?" Umbridge asked him with absent face, her thoughts still being with the young Malfoy.
"I must have forgotten that we both are on terms of forenames, /Headmistress/," he growled with a dangerously low voice. /Minerva mentioned something with daggers. I still have an old and rusty dagger with foldout barbs..... /"Don't you ever dare to use my forename again."
Umbridge wanted to reply as the door opened and Blaise Zabini came in. She swallowed the answer with a look, clearly saying that his answer will have a discussion afterwards.
"Mr. Zabini. Which Profession would you like later in your life?" Snape asked his student with a tiny amount of kindness in his voice.
"Professor Snape, I want to become an Auror," he answered respectfully.
BANG! Umbridge's notepad ('/Once again'/) was lying on the floor. One could clearly see, that Umbridge never expected to hear such a choice for profession by a Slytherin. Snape grinned smugly.
"Hem, but dear... Are you sure, that this would be the right profession for you?" Umbridge asked with disbelief in her eyes.
"Yes, Headmistress. I already have all essential marks in my subjects. Furthermore, I think I have all necessary preconditions for this profession," Blaise replied, watching Umbridge distrustfully.
"Hem, which they were?" Umbridge insisted. She couldn't believe it, that a Slytherin wanted to become an Auror. Hunting down criminals she counted as /inferior work/.
"Well, it's simple. I really work hard to be in good shape, and as a matter of principle I distrust every man. The two most important preconditions for the profession of an Auror," he answered with a steady voice.
"Hem, distrust is a precondition to become an Auror?"
"No, Headmistress," Blaise replied. Umbridge grinned sure of victory. "It's a precondition to be an Auror," the young man wiped away the grin from her face.
"Headmistress" Snape interfered with a vicious grin. "Do you know Alastor Moody?"
"Hem, well, yes. I've heard of him. The best Auror ever. I have a very high opinion of him. His motto has always been 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE.'"
"As a matter of fact, in his time being an Auror, Alastor Moody was just that successful, because he was shifty, cunning, ambitious and distrustful. I don't have to say which House at Hogwarts appreciates those properties."
The last time I've seen such a stoned face was when Black and Potter has been caught after a drinking spree, Snape rejoiced devilishly. He turned to Blaise.
"Mr. Zabini, Potions, Charms, Transfiguration, Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Care of Magical Creatures. That's all," Snape ended the career advice appointment.
Just as Blaise was getting up, Snape quickly decided to take one last chance to accidentally-on-purpose antagonize Umbridge. "A word of advice, Mr. Zabini: Should you become an Auror (which I'm sure you will), just don't let the heroic types like a certain Harry Potter rub off on you."
Blaise's face showed surprise for a split-second, but he quickly covered it up with a Slytherin-style smile. "Of course, Professor Snape."
He nearly sighed with relief when Blaise left with a last distrustful look at Umbridge.
Snape noticed Umbridge still sitting in her chair, with a stoned gaze on her face.
Normally, I wouldn't be caught dead saying something the least bit positive about that particular Gryffindor, but we all have to make small sacrifices sometimes. Besides, Blaise knows better than to spread that around.
Without further ado he went over, pulled her out of her chair and levitated her in front of him out of his office. He locked the door to his office and left for the great hall. Leaving Umbridge behind.....
The next Saturday one could see four dead drunken Hogwarts-Teacher inside the Hog's Head.
"Well, Severus, I've never thought you have nerves as thick as rails," Minerva said with a slur.
"Indeed.... HIC...Professor Snape," Flitwick seconded with a stoned gaze.
"Yeah. And thank you so much, Sev, that you spent your win of the bet with us..." Sprout said, half lying in Snape's arms.....
Well, it's finished. I tried my best to get the Slytherins through the Career Advices in an amusing way. That was really hard, because....
1. //Snape//: In my Opinion Snape doesn't like anyone, not even his students. He only likes Talent and a bright mind. So I had him to bash his own students.
2. //The Slytherins: Honestly, which Job could Crabbe and Goyle really get? Malfoy and Nott as children of Deatheaters didn't make it easier.
3. //Umbridge//: She likes the Slytherins, so I couldn't let her bash the Slytherins.
General notes: One of my gGrman reviewers reminded me of Ernie MacMillan missing in the Hufflepuff-Chapter. //Well...errr....Ernie was.....uuhhmm....yes...Ernie was ill. He was in the infirmary. And should there anyone else be missing, well, during the time the career advices took place there was the flue going around hogwarts -evilgrin-
Also I tried to choose realistic professions for the students.
The Huffs as equitable and hard workers.
The Ravs as Scientists.
The Slys as ambitious, cunning, distrustful and arrogant prats.
Anyway, I hope, I've done a good job. Reviews are welcomed.
P.S.: I couldn't find a better End to solve who has won the bet......
Well, this was certainly fun to read, edit, and post! XD So, what did you guys think?