Two days into sobriety. *For Canustakemyheart's SOC challenge*
But who am I kidding? None of this feels normal. My pulse is racing, I feel sick, I’m sweating and shaking and twitching. I have no idea how many times I’ve clenched and unclenched my fists in just the last ten seconds. Suffice to say, my palms sting from where what’s left of my nails have dug into them. I’m sitting here, and I’m rocking back and forth. I can’t sit still. I can’t sit still. I can’t sit still. I can’t sit still. I CAN'T SIT STILL!
Oh for fuck’s sake what is this! I’ve stopped drinking and taking drugs only two days ago and my brain is on fucking fire! My skin’s crawling and I… I can’t sit still. I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but fuck! I was so not prepared for this. Coffee… I need a coffee. Yeah, great idea Gerard, you’re twitching like you just shoved an electric lead in your mouth and you want to replace one addictive stimulant with another? But, oh, God, I need something. And I need the bathroom. But I don’t need to see myself in that damn mirror again! Why the fuck couldn’t I see that I look like a skeleton? I need to eat something but I can’t keep anything down, I guess I’m not all that used to food any more, well, nothing solid anyway.
I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to do it. This is too hard to bear and I’m just not strong enough. I’m surrounded by people, Mikey, the guys, the crew and yet, I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything at all. Every sense in my booze soaked brain turned to mush and now it’s all there again and I can’t cope. I’m too tired to cope. I can’t sleep, I can’t rest, I can’t even fucking sit still!
I’m going to have a coffee and I’m going to sit. I’m going to make myself just sit. Just sit still, even for a moment. Even if I have to force every shaking muscle in my entire body to tense up. If it kills me, I’m going to sit still. One step at a time, Gerard. That’s what they said. Small goal, small achievements. But they’ll add up. They’ll get me through. I’ll get me through. It’s time to stop being a victim and live my life. I can do that. I can do that.