canustakemyheart SOC challenge- yeah I decided to write another lol.
If I were a colour I’d be black.
I mean today wasn’t the first time I’d thought that. It’s just the first time I believed it was true. Life is about what you feel all the time and I’m feeling like a worthless piece of shit. I’m hurting everyone around me I can’t control myself, my addiction either. I love alcohol but there’s something wrong with the way I drink it, I drink it like I need it to survive and I do it helps me deal with who I am and the shit I can’t face if I’m sober. I feel like a fucking asshole for doing this to everyone, I see the disappointment in Mikey’s eyes when he looks at me. It’s like they’re saying what the fuck have you become? Your a stranger not my brother.
Fuck I need a drink.
Ahhh that’s better, Vodka’s my friend at least I have one friend all the rest have abandoned me they don’t wanna be around me when I’m like this drunk and shit. They just don’t fucking understand what goes on in my head, it’s like a mad house up there. It is a madhouse up there! The voices never stop saying shit, always provoking me. They tell me I’m worthless and I believe them, it’s fucking true. I can’t do anything right, I mean I make coffee I burn myself, I get out of bed I hit my head on the bunk above mine. I sing on stage and my pants fall the fuck off. I can’t do anything right I feel so worthless I am nothing. I’m a waste of space. I wonder if there’s a pipe in this venue I can hang myself from, why the fuck are they laughing? I’m serious.
Ohh there’s the ground, shit pick myself up take another swig and I’ll be fine. My head feels like there a fish swimming in it my thoughts are beginning to mush themselves together. Fish don’t seem to have as many issues as I do. All they do is fucking swim around and eat all day, lucky bastards. Ohh outside now it’s cold. Damn that vodka tastes good.
It’s dark out here, no stars out tonite just another sign I should disappear. The light in my life is disappearing, I feel like everything is falling to fucking pieces, my band, my relationship with Kat. Just everything in general. I need an escape route, Im pretty sure I have some wellbutrin or some shit in my pocket.
Ahh there I go. How many should I take? One, two? Fuck It I’ll take 8 or something. Ahhh wash those down. Shit that feels good, when I wake up I wont be here anymore thank fuck. I wonder what the band will do when they find out? I should probably call Brian and tell him the band will need a new singer. I mean I am gonna be dead soon. Shit my heads beginning to feel heavy. Urrgh where’s my cell? There pocket, pull out. Ahhh gotcha. What’s Bri’s number again? Oh thats it dial it in urgh cant press 7. Ahh there it goes. It’s ringing.