... it's day 11.
As I am Unwashed and Somewhat Slightly Dazed"
("Unwashed and Somewhat Slightly Dazed" – David Bowie)
A/N: All apologies to Robert Frost ... may he not roll over in his grave knowing that I've included his words in a tale such as this. But it's one of my favorite poems of all time and I told myself, "fuck it. It's goin' in here".
DAY 11: SOMETIME IN THE MORNING
It's so beautiful here ...it's like the perfect place. Warm sunshine, slight breeze, but just a hint of fall. The leaves are falling from the trees. Hmm ... there's two trails here. I wonder which one I should take?
"Wha'? Who's there?"
"And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back"
Robert Frost ....
"You know who I am."
"How can I know who you are when I can't see you?"
"You can't see me because you can't see yourself."
"Aww fuck it. I'm going to keep walking. I don't care who you are, but you better not fuckin' follow me."
"I'd take the left one if I were you."
"I don't remember asking for your opinion ... whoever you are."
"I have someone that wants to talk to you ..."
"What? What do you mean you have someone?"
"I'll let her talk to you."
Oh my god! That sounds like ... like grandma!
"Choose the correct path, Gerard."
What is it with these paths?
"Grandma? Where are you?"
"Follow my voice ..."
Fuck. I can't tell which path she's down.
"Grandma, just tell me what path to take!"
"I can't do that, Gerard. You'll have to make your own choice."
Fuck! Why can't I choose?
DAY 11: AT 8:55AM
I had opened my eyes on another day, which meant I had successfully survived another 24 hours. I looked over to my left and noticed Kat had already gotten up. I think I remembered her saying she had to go back to work in a couple days so it was no wonder she was trying to get up early. I laid there for a few minuets just really trying to feel everything – the way the sheets felt, the way my clothes felt on my body, the way my body felt. For so many days I had been feeling like I wasn't even in my own skin ... that I was an empty shell. But now feelings were crashing over me like a tidal wave ... and some of them weren't even bad.
I remembered how it felt fucking Kat last night. I was more alive than I'd been in a long time. I didn't feel dead inside when I was thrusting myself into her and that feeling seemed to spill right over into today. My muscles were still a little achy and my head was a little spacey, but both of those things I could handle.
As I laid there lost in thought I suddenly remembered the dream I had. My grandma was telling me to choose a path. I wondered what my subconscious was trying to tell me. I thought what I was doing was the right path. Maybe I was reading too much into that shit, but something about it just gnawed at the back of my brain.
DAY 11: AT 9:30AM
"Well good morning. Did you sleep okay?"
When I saw Kat standing in the kitchen with nothing on but a tight little t-shirt and her underwear I have to admit I got a big grin. But that dream was still freash in my mind and I wanted to know what she made of it.
"Yeah. I had a weird dream."
"Dream? Not a nightmare?"
"Yeah, I think it was more dreamlike."
"Tell me about it."
"Well, I was walking through the woods and everything was really pleasant ... and realistic ... like I really fucking felt like I was there, ya know?"
"Those kinda dreams are cool."
"Well then I had come up on two trails and then I heard my grandma's voice and she was telling me to choose the right path."
"Huh fuckin' weird."
"Yeah, I know. Maybe it's just my subconscious mind tryin' to trip me out or something."
"Well at least it wasn't a nightmare, right?"
"Yeah, definitely. But what do you think it meant?"
"Well, sometimes there is no deeper meaning in dreams. But I think sometimes it's like something in the back of your mind - maybe something you'd been ignorning or an answer to a problem that is totally out of reach when you're awake, but when you're dreaming, it gets unlocked."
That was another thing I loved about Kat ... she was fucking deep sometimes.
"So you ready to eat?"
And then she'd just totally switch gears!
"Yeah, what am I eating this morning?"
It was so weird having someone to cook you food. I was so used to bad Craft Services, fast food and junk food. No fucking wonder the doctor said my nutrition sucked.
"Well ... I made some hard boiled eggs and a fruit salad."
DAY 11: AT 12:22PM
Kat's dad called right after breakfast. He was in the neighborhood and said he was going to stop by for lunch. He was late and we were just sitting around waiting for him. As the seconds ticked by I was getting more and more uneasy about the visit. The last time I saw her dad was at a family BBQ. I of course had too much beer that afternoon. I passed out in a chase lounge and Bill was not too happy about it. I woke up to Kat and him arguing – Kat trying her best to cover for me, saying I was just really tired from touring and her dad telling her I was a drunk fuck up who couldn't get a real job.
So yeah, I wasn't too excited to see the guy, especially in the state I was in. I definitely didn't feel like I had total control back of my body and my mind. My stomach had gotten all knotted up shortly after the phone call with the announcement that he was swinging by. I felt a little shaky and I was hoping that I wouldn't start sweating too much. Knowing her dad, he'd probably think I was a fucking junkie or something. I had to pull my shit together and fast. Just then, there was a knock on the door. Well, here comes zero hour ... operation survive a visit from Bill.
"There's my little girl!"
"Hi Dad, nice to see you."
"And how have you been? Oh. Gerard."
"C'mon Dad let's go sit down and then we can go grab something to eat, okay?"
Kat and I exchanged a look behind his back that included eye rolls all around. This wasn't going to be fun.
"Here, have a seat on the couch. So how has mom been?"
"Oh she's fine, she wants you to come visit more often of course."
"I know, I know, I'll swing by when I'm over in that neck of the woods again."
Don't fidget ... sit still. Fuck. Why does he have to glare at me like that? He's just sitting there on that couch fucking trying to make me uncomfortable on purpose. The couch ... that couch I was fucking your daughter on last night. HA! Oh god, if he only knew. Oh shit. Don't laugh ... don't look at Kat either ... shit ... I looked at her. She's thinking the same thing I just know it!
"So Gerard, did you get a job yet?"
Boy, don't hold back, Bill. Why don't you also insinuate I'm a dirt bag pansy who's fucked up in the head and of course, no where near worthy enough for your precious little girl?
"Uh, actually we have another record coming out. You know we signed to a label that's a division of Warner Brothers. You know Warner Brothers right?"
"You didn't answer the question."
"Dad ... Gerard's band is doing really well. They've been on the radio and in the newspaper. They have a lot of shows now you know."
"All I'm saying sweetie is you should be with a real man who isn't afraid to get his hands dirty and support my little girl - be there for her."
Fuck. I'm sick of him saying I'm not a real man. And I'm fucking sick of him thinking Kat is some helpless little girl. Look at him just staring me down from that couch. Nailed your little girl on that very couch ... just about where you're sitting too, Bill. Whaddya think about that? Ha! Shit ... don't laugh. Doesn't he know his own god damn daughter? She's not a helpless little girl. She's a strong woman ... she's my equal. I'd never treat her like you treat your wife, Bill – like some fucking egg that could crack at any minute.
DAY 11: AT: 7:58PM
Lunch with Kat's dad was a giant tension-fest and the hamburger I had eaten didn't exactly sit well with me. I don't think stress and digestion are hommies. But this was the first time hangin' with the guys since we got back from Japan and I didn't want to puss out. Kat didn't want to encroach on "guy time" so she stayed at home watching movies and I showed up at Ray's with a six pack of Coke Zero and a box of red vines, ready to get my game on.
"Uncle Jiggy! Glad ya could make it!"
"Haha, yeah I wouldn't miss this."
"Oh shit! Coke Zero!"
"Yeah I bought it just for you bro. Got some of these too."
"Fuck yeah. Red vines."
"Well c'mon in so I can kick your ass into next week."