because these assholes don't have avenged sevenfold i need to use another catergorie that ties in with the story
- lykn omg ur so talntd d00d!1! tht wuz lyk the gr8st story evr!!!
I especially liked the part at the end when you didn't know who was talking or what they were saying because your grammar sucked so bad! ;D
Good luck being a writer. I can definitely see you as the next Lisi Harrison...check her out, I think you'd like her stuff. Px
(#) TheBlackDAHLIAmurder 2009-12-25 09:42:18 PMI agree with candyy17, hands down.
Dear, if you want to post stories on websites like these, grammar and a dictionary should become your best friend. Have you never paid attention in school? Maybe you should, then you would not be getting comments like these.
But if you DO want to improve, I suggest;
-Make the title interesting.
-Write a better summary that will catch readers attenton.
-If the sentence runs too long (run-on sentences), don't be afraid to use commas! Let's take for example your first sentence, it goes like this; "Me, my mom my aunt my uncle and my cousion are all sitting on huntington beach by main st huntington beach.", I think everyone would agree that if it is read out loud it sound funny. SO to avoid that you can say "My mom, my aunt, my uncle, my cousin and I (or me) are all sitting on huntington beach by Main Street in Huntionton Beach."
-Capital letters are magical aren't they? Every time you beguin a sentence, bam! you need a capital. Mentioning yourself, or if a character is talking about yet again, themsleves, it is proper to say "I" instead of "i". Names need respect too, when you speak of someone, write their name as 'Syn' not 'syn'.
-Do not and I repeat DO NOT abbreviate words that shouldn't be abbreviated. Don't, wouldn't, you're and abbreviations likewise are acceptible, but lil, bein and talkin make my eyes bleed.
-Your spelling can use a cleaning. If you are too lazy to re-read the text AT LEAST TWICE, use a spell check, it saves you time and makes the text MUCH easier to read. Open this story in Word for example, use spell check, tidy it up, and see how much of a difference it would make.
-Description is key. This 'story' is basically like making coffee without coffee beans, you only have water.
-"Says" is a boring word. Use a thesaurus, there are many other words you can use, for example, mumbled, screamed, shouted, growled... and the list goes on!
-Think of the reader as a dummy, you have to explain EVERYTHING. Use the 5 W's. Who, what, when, where, why. In this story, who is you, whet is met Avenged Sevenfold I am guessing, when, you didn't really explain so I'll guess it is summertime and so on. It will give much more details and information to the reader. Make sure to tell us who is talking, because after a while it gets very confusing!
So I say, clean this up, learn grammar and such, think of an ORIGINAL idea, and only then come back! It will most definately do you and your writing some good.