... it's day 15.
And then a voice spoke in my head
And she said dark is not the opposite of light
It's the absence of light
And I thought to myself
She knows what she's talking about
And for a moment I knew what it was all about."
("Namaste" – Beastie Boys)
A/N: I want a fucking cigarette so bad right now ... I'm trying to hold out. I'm like seriously losing my shit about it though. I feel like curling up on the floor in a ball (or gouging out my eyes – one or the other). Arrghhhhhh Fuck you nicotine!!! I tried the gum by the way. It tastes like ass. I spit it out. I need a fucking distraction. So I really don't know how this whole "day" turned out with me twitching and bouncing my knee and wringing my hands like a damn cigarette junkie. I'm sure you'll tell me though, right? And sorry it's so short.
DAY 15: AT 6:06AM
It's a butterfly. Its wings are so beautiful. They're moving in slow motion. I feel the wind on my face. I'm sitting in the grass. Now I'm laying down. I'm closing my eyes. I'm sinking. Falling? It's dark. Cold? No, hot. Was that a shadow?
"Sensitive dependence on initial conditions."
Where is that voice coming from? Why do I recognize that?
"Too adult of a puzzle for you, Gerard?"
"What the fuck do you want from me?"
"Oh I want many things. Right now I want you to understand dynamic states evolve with time."
"Go away. I want to go back and lay in the grass."
"Oh that's too bad. And here I was saving you a chase lounge by the lake of fire."
"Small variations of the initial condition of a dynamical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system. It's the very core of chaos theory, Gerard."
Chaos theory. That is familiar.
"Get out of my dreams, fucker."
"Oh if only I could. You are just too chaotic to resist."
DAY 15: AT 6:15AM
Uhhrrghh. Fuck. I feel like shit. Just have to open my eyes. I don't want to. My whole body aches. I feel like I did two weeks ago. What the fuck? I haven't been drinking. I didn't start exercising yet. What time is it? Shit. 6:15. That's too fucking early. I wish I could go back to sleep. Oh shit. The massage. That chick said this could happen ... that I felel bad. Fuck. Why would anyone wanna do something to themselves to make them feel like this on purpose? Well, that's a fucked up thought. I used to trash myself with booze and pills and felt like this all the time. Oh sitting up hurts. Just be quiet. Don't wake Kat up. Just gotta get a glass of water and have a smoke.
Bleh. I probably shouldn't even be having a cigarette right now. Fuck it. Do I want to make coffee? Shit, I'm supposed to just be drinking water today. Could I survive without coffee? Maybe I should just go back to bed and stay there all day? I gotta put this out. I need to piss.
Should I take a shower? God just the thought of the water hitting my skin is making me cringe. That chick said it was toxins that the muscles might release. That's fucked up. Toxic shit. I wonder how much toxic shit is in my system still? Hmm I could take a bath. Yeah maybe that's what I'll do. Take a fucking bath. Just gotta start the water. Take these clothes off. Oh shit that's hot. Just sit down slowly. Ahhh. God that feels good. Just lean back. Try to relax.
DAY 15: AT 8:30AM
"Wow, you're really out of it. But you'll feel much better tomorrow. Trust me."
"You ever feel like this after getting a massage?"
"Well, like after the first time I kinda did, but I don't think I felt as bad as you do. But then again ..."
"You didn't trash yourself for three years straight."
"Yeah. I think you should drink more juice. Juice is good for you."
"I just want to go back to bed."
"Well just have some juice and then go back to bed. I have to be at work in a half hour, but I'm only there for half day so I'll be back at around 2. If you feel up to it, I think we should do something fun tonight."
"Fun? Like what?"
"I dunno. I'll think about it at work. And you think about it too. And just take it easy all afternoon. Just keep drinking the water and juice."
DAY 15: AT 12:12PM
Wha' huh? What is that? It's that butterfly! So beautiful. Ooo it landed right over there. I'm gonna go look at it closer.
"Why the fuck did you do that?"
I wanna fucking punch that guy. Why would he just smash that butterfly?
"You're daydreaming, Gerard. I crushed that butterfly because that's what I do. I crush beautiful things. I take things away from you. Beautiful things. Those crushed wings are dynamics, starting waves in motion."
"You're fucked up. I'm not listening to you."
"Careful of that cliff behind you."
"Wha'? Cliff? There's no cliff behind me ..."
Oh fuck. I'm falling. He pushed me!
Huuhh. Shit. That was fucked up. What the hell time is it now? Oh shit it's afternoon. Oh man, I feel terrible still. Maybe I'll just lay here a little while longer. I feel like I have the fucking flu. Maybe I do have the flu? No, no it's just that toxic shit. Everyone says I'll be better tomorrow. What if I'm not feeling better tomorrow though? Fuck. I should get up and do something to take my mind off everything.
DAY 15: AT: 2:15PM
"Oh wow. You really did take my advice, huh?"
"Owww. Oh. Yeah."
"Are you feeling any better?"
"Meh. Been kinda half asleep for a while. My fucking head hurts now too."
"Do you want me to get you anything?"
Maybe I can just konk and wake up tomorrow and everything will be better?
DAY 15: AT 6:21PM
I know Kat is bummed about not doing anything fun tonight. I really want to make that up to her. Tomorrow she's got a day off and I just want to spend the whole day making her happy. I never thought I'd be this fucked over from that damn massage. I slept all fucking day and I still feel like I've been dragged behind a car. I've been drinking lots of water though and barely eating anything, so hopefully whatever this shit is, it's coming out. I should go talk to Kat.
"You want something to eat?"
"Yeah, I think I'm hungry now. Hey, Kat?"
"Um, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about today. I know you wanted to do something fun. Being around me lately has been a real fucking bummer I'm sure. I wanna do something fun too and I wanna make it nice for you ... for helping me."
"Well, I knew you needed someone to hold on to over the last couple weeks. I'm glad you stayed here. And you know what?"
"Even with the detox stuff going on, you're so much better than you were last week."
A/N Part II: So you guys wanna hear another pathetic "there was this one time I got drunk" account? Of course you do. Here ya go.
My roommate and I were having a little party. Ended up being like 20 or so people crammed into a 2 bedroom apartment. Nevertheless, I was beyond tossed because I was at my own place. The very last thing I remember was playing old school Nintendo and someone sitting next to me blowing joint smoke in my face. So here's what apparently transpired after that (as told to me by my friends on "the day after")....
1. I pissed in a potted plant on the balcony (in front of multiple eye-witnesses no less)
2. I walked into my roomie's bedroom while he was doing his girlfriend and fell on my face
3. I built a pyramid out of beer cans
4. I accidentally left the cat out and then ran around the neighborhood trying to find her
5. I took my shirt off (I never do this. Well, except to like change clothes or take a shower or ... well, you get the picture)
6. I puked in the kitchen sink
7. I puked over the balcony
8. I pissed on the floor in the bathroom
9. I fell into the tub and ripped off the shower curtain then came out of the bathroom wrapped up in the shower curtain (some accounts say I was not wearing pants, but I'm not sure they weren't just trying to fuck with me about that)
10. I passed out on the sidewalk