The phone just keeps ringing as my heart falls apart...
I throw the phone on the ground then regret it and pick it back up. If I break it then you’re completely gone. I couldn’t deal with that. I like to think you couldn’t either.
I’m so angry and yet I can feel it fading away to be replaced with a worse feeling. I’m scared. I’m scared of all the reasons why you might not want to talk to me or be able to talk to me. What if something has happened to you? What if you’re hurt and you can’t get to the phone. You always make sure to go some place that is deserted during our time together on the phone so that you won’t be interrupted. What if something happened and I can’t get to you and neither can they.
Then there’s the other option. The one that makes my head spin and my stomach recoil. The option I know I shouldn’t even consider because I know that you love me more than anything else in the world but after all, we haven’t slept together for over a month now, you must be getting frustrated… and if it was handed to you on a plate.
What if you’re with another girl… suppose that’s why you couldn’t speak to me. Because I swear the answerphone cut in too soon the last time I tried to reach you. Was that because you hung up on me so that you could be left in peace? How could you do this to me? I just want to talk to you and you’re off screwing some other girl. It was your choice to be in a band, to tour the world. I have a life here that I need to keep. I can’t just live out of your pocket for the rest of my life and follow you around like some groupie. I need my own life. You said you understood that.
I feel horrible, dirty, ashamed, for even thinking that this may be the reason for your absence. I do trust you, I don’t rationally think that you would ever do anything like that to me. But I’ve trusted others before you, and that hasn’t served me well. So what if this is the same? It hurts so much more when you trust someone explicitly and still they hurt you. I would rather be prepared, but that’s not fair at all.
I want to try phoning you again but I know that the disappointment of hearing the answer phone clicking in will all but kill me. It’s pathetic, me holding on to these ten minutes when you are all mine, but I live for it. I love you. That’s the only excuse I have. All I know is that I’m falling apart without you and it’s getting harder and harder everyday.
The simple answer would be to wait for you to notice your missed calls and phone me back, but of course you have no credit and so the only way I get to speak to you is to phone you, and for you to answer. I’ll try one more time, in ten minutes. I’ll give you time to finish whatever it is that you’re busy doing (don’t think about that, he may just be in the shower) and then I’ll call you again. If you don’t pick up then I’ll send you a text to say I tried and then I’ll leave you alone.
I feel like I’m stalking my own boyfriend but what am I supposed to do? I need him, he lightens up my day and today of all days I need him. Today of all days he isn’t there.
I need to find something to do to distract myself for a few minutes. I pick up my book and turn to the bookmarked page. It’s a story about a man and a woman who meet under unusual circumstances and struggle to be together but the moment is never right. They just can’t seem to both be in the right place at the right time. Then he sacrifices everything for her, he realises that she is the only woman he wants to be with and he isn’t going to waste another minute waiting for them to be thrown together, he’s going to make it happen.
I can’t read it without getting ideas. Ideas that I don’t want to have because I would never ever ever take your dream away from you. But I must admit sometimes, in my darkest moments, when I’m forced to cuddle up to an old jumper and a photograph I do wish things were different. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t with you at all, I wish I’d met some nice accountant with a stable home and income. Most of the times I just wish that your work didn’t always take you so far away from me. I love you. I really really do and I want you to be happy but I’m not happy. Not like this, I’m only happy when you’re with me to lighten up the dark, so what do we do?
I call you again. All alone, sat on my bed, I cannot stop thinking about where you are and why you can’t talk to me. I nearly drop the phone out of surprise when you pick up. There’s no anger in your voice although I almost long for it. If you would just shout at me and tell me to stop pretty much stalking you then maybe I wouldn’t behave this way but it’s as if it’s almost acceptable now. I need a deterrent.
You ask me how my day has been and I complain, I cry a little, I ask you how yours has been. Then I ask you why you couldn’t answer the phone. ‘Oh, I was just a little busy.’ Your answer does nothing to deter the images in my head and then I feel so guilty and I positively want you to shout at me because you love me and you don’t deserve the shit I give you.
‘Babe are you Ok?’ Your concern makes me weak and I battle the tears again. I tell you it’s just been a hard day, and that I miss you more than anything else in the world right now. What I’d do just to hold you for a second.
I don’t expect your answer. I don’t see it coming. Not from a mile away. I know I’m a pain in the ass but it’s not all my fault. If you would just pick up the damn phone at the time that we’ve already arranged. It’s not like I just spring myself on you, you’ve said you can talk then and I need to talk to you.
You say we should take some time and space away from each other. Just these last few days until he comes back. And then we can sort things out. I didn’t realise there was anything that needed sorting and it makes me wonder again whether this has something to do with why you couldn’t answer the phone. I ask you when I can see you, if I can text you a little, just a few times a day, to make sure you’re alright. You tell me that of course I can, you just need a few days to clear your head. You have problems of your own to deal with and you can’t deal with mine right now too.
I feel guilt, embarrassment, but most of all hurt. Hurt by the idea that while I would give anything to be with you right now, you are taking away the one real connection we have, deliberately. You don’t wantto speak to me, or be near me, or have anything to do with me. That hurts the most. That you wouldn’t want me.
When you hang up I resign myself to the idea of not speaking to you for… 4 days. It doesn’t sound a lot and I should be used to it by now, but the idea of it twists my stomach in knots and I feel tears burning at the corners of my eyes. I allow a few sobs to rip through my body and then I push them away and force myself to think this through.
I love you, Mikey Way, I love you more than anything else on the face of the world, in the entire universe. I would give absolutely anything to be with you right now, but I would also do anything you ask to make you happy. And you’ve asked me to give you some space so I’ll do that for you. It’s going to be hard on me. Perhaps one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in quite a while but I’ll be strong for you and I will pull myself through. It would be great to have both, make you happy and be with you but apparently I don’t have that ability anymore. I hope this works out though, because you are my world, my life without you in it isn’t much of a life at all.