Alyssa confesses her feelings towards Bob to Gerard
I walked in the house and made myself some herbal tea, I really needed to relax and calm down. The ride home was horrible, traffic was unbelievable and my mind kept drifting to the fact that Bob knew I had feelings for him. I never wanted him to know, because then he would think we had a chance. At this very moment I hated myself. I hated myself for having the feelings and even more for once again giving into those feelings, once again giving Bob false hope. But mostly I hated myself for doing this to Gerard. I was on my way up to the bedroom when I walked by a side table, on it was a recent picture of us next to the old one of us, that I had reframed. I picked up the recent picture and stared into his hazel eyes and how happy he was, how happy we both were when it was taken. Even now just looking at him makes my heart soar, so why am I doing this to him?
Tears started to form has I held the picture tightly to my breasts. I never heard door so I jumped when I felt his arms around me and he whispered in my ear, “I missed you too.”
I dropped the picture, turned around and my lips crashed on his as hard as they could. I knew right then and there where my heart belonged. Whatever feelings I had for Bob have to be locked away because I can’t lose this, not again.
“I’ve only been gone a couple of weeks, what about when I’m gone for a few months?” he smiled as he brushed the hair from my face.
“It’s not that,” I said quietly bending my head down in shame.
“So you didn’t miss me?” he said teasingly, then kissed me gently on my forehead.
“I missed you with all my heart,” I realized now that he’s here, just how much I missed him.
“Then what’s the matter sweetheart?” he asked all concerned, and he should be.
I looked into those eyes I love so much and started to cry hard, “I’m sooo sorry,” I managed to get out.
“Honey what happened?”
“I’m a horrible person,” I wailed.
“Baby, you’re not making any sense and scaring the fuck out of me.”
I looked into those beautiful eyes and knew I was going to take the life out of them. I made a decision, I going to keep my promise and keep no more secrets, save for one. I held my breath then finally spoke, “Bob kissed me, twice.”
“I’ll kill the motherfucker, did he touch you anywhere? Because I’d really fucking kill him.”
I knew with the next thing I was about to say was going to turn his anger from Bob to me, “Gerard I kissed him back.”
His face went to complete disbelief, “What?”
Now for the thing that will destroy us, “I think I have feelings for him?”
Gerard put his hand over his mouth and I saw tears starting to form. I knew then and there I broke him. I wanted to take him in my arms and tell him that it was only a crush type thing, that I only loved him. It wasn’t a lie, it was the truth I don’t think I could ever love anyone but Gerard. I started to put my arms around him, but he pushed me away, and then he walked out the door and probably my life. At this moment I hated myself so much I wanted to die.
All I wanted was to see Lys, I fucking missed her so much. We talked every day but nothing beats an actual touch. I was hoping that at this moment we’d be making love in her bed, but I’m headed God knows where? The stab felt so deep when she said that she kissed him back, but it was nothing compared to the twist of the knife when she said she had feelings for him.
I want a drink so fucking bad. I want to beat the shit out of Bryar first, then the drink, maybe the drink first so that will give me the nerve to beat the shit out of him. My mind is so confused right now. I want to ask Lys what the fuck did I do wrong to want her to run into Bryar’s arms? Wasn’t my love enough? Ray was fucking right again, someone was going to get hurt but I never thought it was going to be me.
I parked my car in front of the liquor store contemplating my next move. I hear a liter bottle of vodka calling my name, just taunting me to come and get it. But shit the last couple of months have been amazing and not just for me, for the other guys in the band too. We’re about to take off again. I took another look at the liquor store then made a phone call.
The phone rang several times, “Answer goddamn it!” Finally there was a panting voice on the other line.
“What Gerard!”, answered my best friend and roommate. I think I caught him in the middle of something. Something I wish I was doing right now.
“Never mind,” I answered. I really needed him right now, but I didn’t want to get in the way of him and Christa.
He must have heard the desperation in my voice, “Gee what’s the matter?”
“You and Christa finish what you’re doing, I’ll see you later.”
“We’re finished, what’s going on? Are you at Lys’s?”
“No, I’m in front of White Oaks.” I heard him say fuck in the background, and then tell Christa he’ll be back.
“I’m on my way. Don’t do anything ‘til I get there, please.”
I heard the pleading in his voice. No it was more intense then a pleading he was begging me. Ray has been there for the worst of my drinking, all the times I tried to kill myself and got arrested. He’s the one that got me on the program. I have a sponsor I should call, but Ray is the one I turn to. My feeling is as long as I turn to someone who can help me.
I sat in my car waiting, when I heard a knock on my window. I knew it couldn’t be Ray I only got off the phone with him a couple of minutes ago. I looked up and there was Matt.
I rolled down my window, “Everything okay, Gee?”
“I’m waiting for Ray,” no one in the band knew how bad things were before, especially not Mikey. I think it would have killed my little brother if he knew the thoughts that had been racing through my head.
“If you want to talk, I’m here too,” said Matt. I knew he genuinely meant it. If it weren’t for Ray, Matt would have been my best friend, for a while there he was. Maybe a difference in opinion wouldn’t be a bad thing, so for the first time in a long time, I confided in someone besides Ray.
I came here to pick up a bottle of wine, to go with the nice homemade dinner that Rachel made for me. I never expected to see Gee here in his car waiting. I thought when I offered to listen Gee was going to blow me off, like he usually did, and say he would just wait for Ray. So I was shocked when he started talking.
“Remember when we were teens and I made the bet with Lys about sleeping with Bryar?”
“Yeah,” I said pretending I didn’t know a thing. But I knew, I knew it led to a bastard child, that she was trying to get back from there couple she sold them to.
“She forgot about the condoms and got pregnant. That’s why she left Matt she went off to have her baby. Over the past nine months she’s been working with Bob in trying to get her baby back. It seems though that she’s got feelings for Bryar now. Bryar of all fucking people.” He slammed his palms against the steering wheel. The little bitch told him everything I was supposed to, but did she tell him everything.
“Did she say anything else?” I was trying to sound concerned but was really on a fishing expedition.
“No, she tried to hug me, but I pushed her away and walked out,” I heard the pain in his voice. I wanted to smile at that remark the bitch deserved it for what she put him through after she left. It was really hard on Gee, and that’s why I set him up with the cheerleader. I knew Lys was in town I saw her earlier and I goaded Gee into sleeping with her, just as I planned Lys saw it all. It ran her out of town again. The bitch deserved it.
Before she started dating Gee we were what you called friends with benefits. We never had intercourse, Gerard got in the way of that. We messed around a lot when she was a freshman. I took her to my junior prom and that night we were going to finally do it. Near the end of the night I couldn’t wait any more I was so ready and so fucking hard. I went find Lys ‘cause I left her earlier to talk to some other friends. Last time I saw her she was with Gerard. After a few minutes of looking I found her alright, with Gee’s dick up her cunt. I knew they had a thing for each other, fuck the whole school knew. But I was supposed to pop her cherry that night, and there was my best friend fucking the girl I took to the prom. We promised to lose our virginity to each other on that night. Did I love her? No. Lys was hot in school, fuck she’s still is. When the freshman class comes in there’s one girl every guy wants to fuck, Lys was that girl. Even if they didn’t like her they wanted to fuck her, she was just that hot. She was always coy about it, but deep down I think she knew. I had the sexiest girl on my arm when we walked in and then she totally humiliated me. Especially when she walked out of the prom in Gerard’s arms and they left with no doubt about what they had finished doing. Yeah until school got out in June all I heard were whispers behind my back.
I got passed that for the most part. Lys and Gee were a couple and everyone knew it and if they didn’t he made sure they knew it. So when Bryar asked Lys out, all hell broke loose. Then when he noticed that Pat was hanging out with him he wanted blood. One night after Bryar left Pat’s house Gee and I jumped him and beat the shit out of him. Gee warned him to stay away from Lys and Pat. Pat found out and was so pissed at Gerard, they had a huge fight that they never quite recovered from and seven months later Pat was dead. Jumping in front of a bullet meant for Bryar.
After Pat died Gee went on a tear, with drugs, alcohol, getting into fights for no reason, especially where Bryar was concerned. He just needed to look in our direction and that was enough for a beat down. We all knew it was because he and Pat never made up. Gerard was taking his pain by causing others more.
When Lys disappeared without a word, he lost it. We all did what we could to help him keep it together. He hung on Ray’s every word that she would be back, that her parents just wanted her to go to a private school. When she came back Gee was just starting to get his life together. I had to stop her from destroying him again. One night we were talking, there was Mikey, Mikey’s new friend Frank, Gee, Ray and me. After Frank left the conversation led to Lys somehow and Gee calling her the world’s biggest skank for what she did. Ray tried to argue that she didn’t have a choice for leaving, but Gee was in one of his moods. The fight ended with me pulling Gerard off Ray and saying he never wanted to see his fucking face around there again, and for three years it was true. For three years Gee and I were the best of friends we did everything together and were there for each other. One day he went missing and four days later he shows up with Toro everything all patched up. We even kicked out the guitarist we had so Ray could resume his position as lead guitarist. Slowly my friendship with Gee changed from his best friend to one of the guys. Toro doesn’t deserve to be Gee’s best friend I earned that honor, so what the fuck happened?
Now that I know the secrets of two people I hate the most, and once it’s known they’ll be out of our lives forever.
I listened to Gee’s ramblings and wanted to roll my eyes so bad, “Do you love her?”
“You know I do.”
“Did she say she loved Bryar?” I asked knowing the answer full well.
“No, just that she had feelings for him,” he said as he looked at me.
“Think about it Gee it was bound to happen, I mean they’re going through something really emotional right now and it’s manifested into something that really isn’t there or real.”
Gerard looked at Matt really thinking about what he said. His mind flashed back to the movie “Speed” and the line Reeves delivered to Bullock about relationships from intense situations. Yeah that was it, she didn’t really love him, she was just feeling a connection to him. He was after all the father of her daughter and giving her something he couldn’t. Maybe this could all work out he just needed to talk to her. He looked up at his shaggy haired friend, “Thanks Matt you’re a good friend.”
With that he took off to Alyssa’s.
As Matt was coming out of the liquor store Ray was pulling into the parking lot. “Hey have you seen Gee any where?”
“I gave him some advice so he decided he wanted to try to patch things up with Lys.”
“Oh. What did you tell him?”
“Just stuff, see you around.”
Matt got in his car and left. As Ray drove off he couldn’t help but wonder what Matt was up to.