For Evil is Found in the Hearts of Men. Emily Weasley, is starting Hogwarts. Second generation story. Yes, I know! Overdone. I am trying to avoid clichés and Mary-Sues though.
(#) Ariel_Tempest 2005-05-19 08:25:00 PMWell, it's short enough so far it's hard to comment on the characterization. Oddly though, from what I can tell, your characterization problems aren't with the OCs so much as the canon characters. Hermione's not acting so much like Hermione grown up as she's acting like Molly. Also the pacing's a bit rushed in spots...try to even it out if you can. I'd be more specific, but my brains a tad fuzzy just now.
My favorite part of the story is the tone of the writing. The POV shifts slightly, but it's an interesting one. I like the way Hermione and Ron are refered to as Mum and Dad especially. It's not something you usually see and is really quite effective.
For future chapters - more physical description. We have all of these names, but no faces to put with them outside of the canon characters.
Do keep at this, please. I'm fond of OCs and it's refreshing to see someone out there aware of the MS trap and trying to avoid it.
(#) chaste-aeon 2005-05-30 06:37:43 AMMy opinion is that Hermione is acting somewhat like she used to when she’s reprimanding Harry and Ron during the times they do something horrible or the very least, drop a sarcasm. (No, of course not that shallow!) grins I might have exaggerated that a little, just a little. smiles But, I would have to say that she’s acting like Molly, if more exactly like her because I do remember the paragraphs on how Molly chides Arthur and I’m not really a Hermione/Ron reader but a Hermione/Draco fan so I can’t really say anything much but I guess it’s how Hermione would indeed react.
The scene about the toaster was in a way, I would say, inserted with purpose. We all know that Hermione is a muggle-born and is independent so she would have to comment on that exactly how you wrote it. I don’t think Molly would have said anything since they were in a hurry and technically, she’s got no reason to say that to David.
Hmm… you do describe what they do but nothing very detailed or detailed of their environment or how they look especially Emily. So it seems like, we all have our own faces and we are a bit hesitant to even use it…
It was a bit funny when Hermione nudged Ron “accidentally” for the second time. Oh, Ginny and Harry are divorced then? Would that be important with the plot? smiles Anyway… there’s no other complain because it’s written well, not like a child’s style of writing with just a sentence, one thought and all. Simple and bland... I don’t have anything against simplicity but that’s a different manner when we’re talking about writing and obviously, something others would comment and yours, I assure you, isn’t anywhere near that. It’s good! I could perfectly picture Hermione and Ron with all their dialogues.