Categories > Books > Harry Potter

A Very Harry History

by grenouille 13 Reviews

A young historian from the distant future researches the Dark Lord's fall by getting into Harry's head, literally, and finds more than she bargained for. One-shot

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Drama,Humor - Characters: Harry - Warnings: [!!!] - Published: 2009/05/17 - Updated: 2009/05/17 - 6992 words - Complete

A Very Harry History

by

grenouille





Disclaimer:Not my fault. All the blame for the way the HP series turned out lies solely at the feet of some rich British broad and her accomplices.

A/N:I apologize in advance for subjecting you to this bit of insanity. My muse refused to let me write anything else until I got this out. She’s a fickle little thing (and a redhead to boot – hopefully more like Lily than... well, /her/). It’s a bit warped, and slightly demented (shut up, smart-arse), and clichéd as all hell. {Note from the smart-arse… er, beta: Demented? From you? Who would expect less?}

At this point, I’d like to give credit where due to all the authors whose works inspired these clichés, but frankly; I’ve read so many fics that I honestly can’t keep track of who created which bit that became so well-known in fandom, so, if you recognize your work, consider this my thanks.

And, as always, thanks must go to my good friend Vern (aka Herman Tumbleweed) for all his help and encouragement. If you haven’t read his work, do so. You won’t regret it.

And now, let the insanity begin:





Theancient mage addressed his fellow Magical History scholars, “This spell, as you all know, will allow one person to enter the dreams of ahistorical figure and permit a dialogue with that person for the duration of their sleep period. However, a given person can only be contacted once. Today’s attempt will be to visit someone much farther in the past than we ever have before. In fact, we will be endeavouring, for the first time, to contact someone from before The Catastrophe. As such, we’ve found amongst our students a direct descendant of this figure, hoping that the familial bond will help to bring success.” The old man gestured for someone to join him at the podium. “My friends, please welcome Miss Harriet Ravenclaw.” A polite smattering of applause caused the young witch to blush.

Miss Ravenclaw will be attempting to contact her many times great-grandfather, Harry James Potter.”

oOoOo

Where am I? What the hell’s going on?

Who... who are you?

Great-granddaughter?What great-granddaughter?

How many greats?

Damn. That’s a lot.

Oh, sorry about that, it has a mind if it’s own. And it’s not my fault I’m naked, you brought me here.

Oh, dream state, hunh? Okay, how’s this?

Cool. Much warmer, too. Now, can you finally explain what‘s going on here?

History student? Okay, that figures. Probably got that from your great-grandmother. But why are you doing this? As I recall, my whole life, so far anyway, has been thoroughly documented.

No records? Why not?

Oh. I guess a magical bomb could do that. When was this?

Hunh. And you say it wiped out magic world-wide for how long?

Shit. What about Hogwarts or the other schools? Wouldn’t they have records, even if the ministries didn’t?

It was detonated /at/Hogwarts? Why?

Figures, another idiot. Why does every Dark Dork think they have to take Hogwarts? No, don’t answer that; I don't expect you to know. Hell, I don’t even think the Dark Idiots themselves know. Okay, what do you need from me?

My history? That could take a while. How much do you want to know?

Everything, hunh? Don’t know if I really want to do that. Some things I’d really rather not relive.

How‘bout this: tell me what you have, and as we go through it all, I’ll either correct or elaborate on it as necessary? Okay?

Great, go ahead and start. Oh, wait, if this is my “dream” Ishould able to make some chairs, right? Oh, cool, this is great.Hey, butterbeer, too. Want one? No? Well let’s get started then.

Yup, sounds about right. Of course, I was a baby at the time, so I don’t actually remember what happened. That pretty much matches up with what I’ve heard, though.

Yeah, the bloody Dursleys. Should’ve killed ‘em when I had the chance. Hell, I should’ve done it the day I was abandoned there. I was treated like crap by them on the best days. We won‘t talk about the worst.

Yup, but multiply it by ten and it will be much closer to the truth. They were the poorest examples of humanity that I ever met. Worse than Tom in some ways.

Tom. Tom Riddle.

Maybe you know him as Lord Voldemort?

Then who did I conquer that you’re so concerned about?

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?Three thousand effin’ years later and you /still/can’t say his name?

Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you might noteven /know/his name.

Yeah, the sheeple were afraid to say it. Drove me bug-shit.

Sheeple. You know, people that believe everything they’re told like good little drones and won’t do a damn thing for themselves?

Yeah, like them. Muggles have them, too. Anyway, what’s next?

Mm-hm. Hagrid scared the shit out of them. It was funnier than hell.

She did what? No, nobody kissed me on the platform, especially not her. In fact, she was too shy to even look at me.

Sure you don’t want a butterbeer?Something else, maybe?

Oh, so it’s sorta like your dream, too? Cool.

Sounds like you’ve got First Year about right. Well, except that it was Ron’s fault we had to go after the troll in the first place. And he /didn’t/almost die on the chessboard, just got knocked out.

What?No, /Ron/insulted Hermione, not Malfoy. Well, yeah, Malfoy did plenty of other times; just not that one.

No, Dobby was the Malfoy’s house-elf. The Weasleys never had one that I know of. Did the house-elves survive that bomb? How about the Goblins and Gringotts?

It only affected magical humans? All the other magical races were okay?

Hunh. That makes sense, I guess. They each have different magic, after all. Anyway, where were we?

Oh yeah, Second Year.

No, Hermione made the Polyjuice and Ginny wrote in the diary.

Dumbledore didn’t do squat, he just let Fudge take Hagrid to Azkaban. “Got to be seen to be doing something” the fat old bastard said. Gah, what a worthless turd he was. Kinda shaped like one, too. At least you got Lockhart right. Damn dandy ponce.

No, Lockhart wiped out his own memory when he grabbed Ron’s broken wand and it backfired on him.

What?

Ron can’t do a Memory Charm now, let alone at thirteen.

It broke when we crashed into the Whomping Willow.

No,/he/was driving. I didn’t want to get in the damn thing in the first place.

No, Dobby blasted Luciusright after I freed him.

Yeah, that’s about right. We were all glad to see Hagrid back. Still think they should have given him a new wand then, though.

Oh, yeah. I remember that summer. In retrospect, it was pretty funny what happened to Marge.

No, Fudge found me by accident and Tom at the Leaky Cauldron is the one who took care of me. Him and Florean Fortescue. Fudge took off after feeding me a bunch of self-serving political bullshit.

Yeah, I took a lot of grief for that. Malfoy had way too much fun with it. Should’ve killed him, too.

No, Draco, his son. Real pain in the arse, that one.

Hm, you’ve got most of that year right, too. Except that it was Hermione with me on Beaky.

Why?‘Cause she was my best friend and she had a time-turner.

What?Who in their right mind would give Ron a time-turner? He’s nowhere near mature enough to handle it. He’d probably try to use it to help the Cannons win. Not that it would help.

No, that was Hermione.

Well, yeah, I was upset at the time, but I realized why she did it soon enough. It was just Ron’s natural pratness that kept things as awkward as they were for so long.

That’s ridiculous! How could Ron and Ginny steal my broom back? McGonagall gave it back to me as soon as she and Flitwick finished checking it out. McGonagall wanted that Quidditch Cup so bad she could taste it. Why would she keep it from me any longer than necessary?

Okay, okay. I know. That’s what you’re here for. I knew that history got more twisted the farther in the past an event is, but this is ridiculous.

Well, at least you got Sirius’ innocence right. And the rest was close enough. Should’ve let them kill the rat, though.

I was young and stupid. Didn’t plan on Snape mucking things up, either. Of course, if Moony had just taken his damn potion...

Yeah, I know.

Oh yeah, the World Cup was a blast. Well, except for the Death Eaters.

I really don’t want to talk about the Tri-Wizard. That was ahorrible time for me. Possibly the worst of my entire life.

You’re right. I guess we have to.

Yeah, Fred and George looked great like that, but they took it well. That’s part of the reason I gave them my winnings.

The thousand galleons I won in the Tournament. That’s what they started their shop with.

I did what with it? Who the hell told you that?

A book? What book?

I don’t care how definitive it is, it’s bloody well wrong!

Sorry, I know, that’s why you’re here. Let’s just get this over with, alright?

That’s ridiculous. He did not figure out how to get my name in the Goblet so I could compete. Iwanted nothing to do with it. In fact, /he/got mad at /me/for not telling him how to get /his/name in. He didn’t even talk to me for weeks. In fact, there was only one student in the whole bloody school that didn’t question my word.

Hunh?You’ve gotta be kidding. She hardly spoke to me at all. No, it was Hermione that believedin me and helped me prepare.

The Ball? No, Ron and I went with Padma and Parvati Patil. I still feel bad about it, too. We really treated them like crap. I eventually apologised to them, but I still feel bad.

No, she went with Viktor Krum and Ginny went with, ah, Neville Longbottom, as I recall. Ron didn’t even ask his own date; Iasked her for him. Actually, I asked her sister, my date, to ask for him.

Well, yeah, Ron did ask her, but it was obvious it was a “better her than no one” situation. Besides, she’d already accepted Viktor’s invitation. Anyway, why is this so important?

Oh. I suppose. Anyway, we kinda skipped the whole first task.

Yeah, well, close enough, anyway. Don’t remember if those scores are right: I really didn’t care at the time. I just wanted to get through it in one piece.

No, Neville told me about the Gillyweed and Dobby found some for me at the last minute.

No, it was Ron for some strange reason.

Yeah, I /was/kinda confused. I only grabbed Ron because Viktor rescued Hermione. Itook Gabrielle because I knew that time was nearly up and I didn’t see Fleur anywhere. It was just instinct.

Do what differently?

Oh, yeah, I would have grabbed Gabby and left Ron.

Well, she /was/much cuter...

Who told you she was eight? She was twelve.

Veela age differently. They still look all cute and innocent until they hit puberty, then BAM! They develop almost literally overnight. And boy, did she ever develop.

My wife and I got to know her at Bill and Fleur’s wedding. She’s a /lot/of fun.

Yeah, that’s pretty accurate. Fudge was a real prick. The dumbass just didn’t want to hear the truth. He did get some good digs at Dumbledore though.

There/was/no ceremony and I /did/get the prize money.

No, I told you, I /gave/the thousand galleons to Fred and George so they could open their shop. The only stipulation was to get Ron some new dress robes.

Worst summer ever. In many ways, it was worse than after Sirius died.

Uh-huh. Should have let the Dementors get him.

Yup.That trial was pure bullshit.

Umbridge was a piece of work, alright. Don’t know what sewer Fudge found her in. I still have the scars on my hand, see?

Yeah, that’s all mostly true, except that it was just /Neville/and I still standing when the Order finally showed up. Ron and Ginny both got hurt. Hermione almost died and Luna got pretty banged up as well.

Hunh?Nobody got any kind of award, let alone an Order of Merlin. Jeese, where did this crap come from? Wait, I know, a book. Must be a kids’ story book.

Slughorn. Another winner.

Yeah, that’s what happened. Still don’t know what possessed Dumbledore to let Snape teach Defence.

Wait, wait, wait. I did what?

To Malfoy? And had to be rescued by whom?

Nope.

Nuh-uh.

Never happened.

I did what?! In the/Great Hall?!/Never in a million...! The most I /ever/did with her was snog a bit. And she had to feed me potions for over a year to get that much. I wouldn’t touch that with somebody else’s bits.

/Married?!/Gah, I need a drink. Oh wait, I /can/have a drink. Thank Merlin for Firewhisky. I think we need to change our approach. Why don’t you tell me the rest of what this book says, and we’ll go from there? Okay?

Well, I just have this bad feeling...

Jeese.

No, no, no.

Oh, hell no.

Fuck that!

Albus Severus?! What fucking idiot... I’d love to see this book. And use it for arse wipe.

You can? Oh yeah, you’ve read it so you can re-create it here. Could you, please?

Well... this explains a lot. Hermione would be amused to know that someone in that family eventually learned to write.

Sorry if I’m offending you, but I /lived/through these events. I think I would know better than whoever wrote this bog roll what happened.

I don’t care whose “oral family tradition” it came from, how reputable they are, or how many generations it’s been handed down without interruption, it’s all bullshit.

Maybe that magical bomb fried the family’s brain along with their magic? Not that there was much to fry in the first place.

Hey, you came to me. If you don’t want to know what really happened, just end the spell and let me go back to sleep.

So?If I wake up, I’ll just find an, er, entertaining way to wake up my wife. I’m sure she’ll tire me back out.

What’s so “ew” about that? Don’t they have hot, raunchy sex in the future? That /is/where you came from, you know. Maybe that’s why this history book is so wrong; they had to screw something.

Okay, okay, how about I tell you what really happened?

Fine, I’ll compare it with the damned book. First of all... well, let’s start with what’s right in the book – that’s a shorter list. Voldemort did create Horcruxes, but I don’t know what they all were.

Didn’t need to. I’ll explain when we get that far. And yes, Dumbledore did teach me all that crap about Riddle’s personal history so we could go Horcrux hunting, but we did it in a week. Slughorn taught Potions and Snape did finally get to teach Defence. Oh, yeah, he /was/a Death Eater scumbag and he did kill the Headmaster. Anyway, a great deal of Sixth Year did go as written in this book. I did have lessons with Dumbledore, but they were quite frequent, several days a week in fact, and covered the various magics I’d need to fight Tom and his minions, in addition to the ones I’d need to find and destroy the Horcruxes. Hermione and I did have issues over that Potions book, but it turned out very differently. Much to our benefit, in the long run.

Oh, yeah, it ended up being one of the best things that could have happened to us. See, after we fought over the stupid thing for acouple of weeks, we realized that we weren’t really fighting over the book. But then, we didn’t know /what/we were fighting over, either. The next clue was when we walked into the common room after Potions to see Ron and Lavender...

Oh, Lavender Brown.

Yeah. Anyway, she and Ron were fused at the lips, traumatizing all the firsties. Well, Hermione took one look and dashed up the stairs to her dorm. I waited up half the night before she came back down to the common room. She was still crying a bit, but I finally got her calmed down and she told me how jealous she was. I couldn’t believe that she wanted Ron; they...

They what? I stand corrected; this book isn’t even worth using on anyone’s arse. Let me continue with the story, you’ll understand later. Anyhow... a couple days later, I caught Ginny snogging Dean Thomas. No big deal, you say? Well, I damn near threw him off the Astronomy Tower in rage, and then Ginny and I became acouple.

This was the final clue for Hermione. But, somehow, it still took her acouple of weeks to put it all together. She dragged me to Madame Pomfrey, who discovered Amortentia in my system as she had with Hermione earlier that same day. A quick Flushing Draught later, and we were good as gold. And very angry with a certain couple of weasels.

Hunh?Oh yeah, you’re right, you can only test for exposure to the potion, but not who it’s keyed to. It didn’t take much to figure out who had given it to us, though. Think about it; I’d never really had much contact with Ginny over the years, other than the DA. Even when I visited the Burrow, I spent most of my time with Ron and Hermione. To me, she was Ron’s kid sister, nothing more, nothing less. Hermione, on the other hand, could barely tolerate Ron on their best day. She was only friends with him because he was friends with me. Actually, it went both ways; he really couldn’t stand her at all, unless it was for homework or exams.

You’reright; it doesn’t make any sense at all. We later discovered... well, I’ll let you think about it and we’ll get back to that.

Yup, I’m an arse. Where were we? Oh, yeah. Um... anyway, this puts us about mid-November. We decided to not confront them about the potions openly, but we did break up with them.

Too much drama. Also, we didn’t know how they were getting it to us, so we just let them think it wasn’t working, hoping we would discover the delivery method.

Oh yeah, guess I forgot to mention that Ron and Hermione started going out about a week after Ginny and I did. Well, the break ups went rather poorly. Ron accused me of stealing “his woman” from him, then tried to hit me. Hermione stunned him, and I stunned Ginny when she went to retaliate. Of course, McGonagall decided to show up at that time and gave us all detention. Hermione and I told her about the potions during our detention. Boy, that went over well. She had Ron and Ginny serve theirs with Filch. We got off easy, grading First and Second Year homework.

ThatChristmas, things changed for us. I spent the holiday with the Grangers after a rather loud argument with the headmaster. He had expected that I’d go to the Burrow so I could spend some time with Ginny. This made me rather suspicious, as he always seemed to know everything that happened in the castle, not to mention the fact that I’m sure that McGonagall certainly gave him an earful over the potions incident. We were still clear of any as we had learned some useful detection spells from Professor Slughorn after one of his Sluggy meetings. Damn, I hated those.

Well, who better to learn them from than one of the best Potions Masters around? He was an arrogant prick who was obsessed with his own importance, but he sure knew his stuff.

Oh, we scanned all our food and every morning, we’d scan each other. Anyway, Dumbledore finally relented and even went so far as to make a two-way Portkey for us. After all, he’d been teaching me a lot and had to admit that I could hold my own against anybody short of Tom himself. What he didn’t know is that I’d been teaching Hermione everything I’d learned from him. Ron was right about one thing; she was scary. And very, very dangerous. During the holiday, we confessed our feelings for each other. And believe me, no matter what this book says; it /wasn’t/brotherly at all. In fact, I proposed on New Year’s Eve, and we even shared the same bed for the last few days of the holiday.

No, I don’t think it was fast at all. We’d been close for most of our lives. I really think that without the potions, which Madame Pomfrey figured we’d been receiving insmall, but steadily increasing doses for over a year, we’d have already been together since, we figured, probably the summer after our Fourth Year or the beginning of Fifth.

Well, we went back to schoolafter the holiday was over. The Headmaster was still searching for Horcruxes, and Hermione and I were still attending classes and learning all we could from him and everyone else we could. Nothing really happened until late in the year. Dumbledore told me that he’d finally located a Horcrux, and we were going after it that evening. We were ecstatic as, other than the diary, it was the first one that we’d found.

What?

No, that’s what we went for.

Yeah, it was in the Gaunts’ old shack. But we went together.

No, he didn’t collect it himself, and no, he didn’t get his hand cursed. Damn, I think I need to burn this book and Obliviateyou. I’d be doing you a favour.

Hey, greatest wizard of his age, here. See, I can do Lockhart’s cheeky grin, too. Anyhow, we recovered the ring and Apparated back to Hogwarts to find a group of Death Eaters just outside the main gates.

What vanishing cabinet?

Malfoy?That little pussy? He didn’t even know how to /find/the Room. And he wasn’t smart enough to fix a sandwich. Yeah, this book is most definitely fiction. Sounds like something a broke, depressed, single mother would write sitting in a coffee shop. What aload of crap. Anyhow, we fought our way up to the gates and just as we crossed the threshold, Snape caught the Headmaster in the throat with a cutting hex. He had just enough time and magic left to pass control of the school to me; we’d actually trained for this. Just before I sealed the school, I cast my only AK. Ever. Right at Snape’s greasy fucking head and I missed. I FUCKING MISSED! The damned coward Apparated away as I cast it, followed by the rest of those chicken-shit bastards.

Nah, I’m okay. Just still kinda gets me, ya know?

Yeah, thanks for that. Anyhow, I took the old man’s body to the Hospital Wing, then turned control of the school over to McGonagall.

Because she was the Deputy Headmistress and it was her job. Hermione was there waiting for me, figuring that if the castle was in lockdown, I’d end up there sooner or later. She took me to the Room, and just held me as I cried and cried. Yeah, he was a despicable, self-serving, manipulative old cocksucker (literally, we later learned), but he was still the closest thing I’d ever had to agrandfather. In spite of all the shit he put me through; I think apart of him did care for me. She brought me back to myself, eventually.

Close early? Nah. We didn’t have any classes until after the funeral, but school life went on. Even exams.

Hunh?Sorry, just drifted off a bit. That was a tough time for everyone. All of Wizarding Britain was expecting the worst.

The Dursleys? No, Fawkes flashed Hermione and I to her parents’ house and I rang them from there. They were overjoyed to hear Iwasn’t ever coming back. I did warn them about Riddle and the Death Eaters, but I don’t know what they did about it, if anything.

Didn’t care. Still don’t.

Replace Hedwig? Why would Fawkes do that?

Say what?

No, Hedwig lived to the ripe old age of 65 or so. She was an amazingly magical bird. Fawkes is still with us, of course.

Seven Harrys? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Even Mad-Eye wouldn’t do something stupid like that. What kind of drugs was that fool taking when they wrote that book?

Drugs?Never mind. Muggle thing.

Oh, yeah. Anyway, a couple weeks before my birthday, we went to Gringotts so I’d be prepared for whatever was going to happen when Iturned seventeen. We met with Ragnok; you know who he was, right?

Well, we went through my parents’ and Sirius’ wills. Lots of money and property and such. Big deal. Didn’t ever have to work, yadda yadda. What /was/interesting was that my mum had added a request in the will for the Goblins to perform an ancestry ritual. Apparently, a seer friend had told her that it would be important.

No, I never had trouble with the Goblins. Yeah, they’re a bit gruff, but they’ve always been polite to me. Aren’t they in your time?

Then what made you think they’d be any different? Wait, let me guess: the book.

Okay, let me have it. What happened?

A dragon? Where would they even /keep/a dragon in a /bank/?Bloody idiot. Hell of an imagination, though.

Take back things they made?Have you asked your Goblins about this? No, wait... don’t. You’ll just start another Rebellion. Although, considering who wrote that book, I shouldn’t be surprised. Full of shit, the lot of them.

Well, as the ritual is easy and painless, we decided to go for it. The Goblins agreed to do it for Hermione, too, just out of curiosity as she was Muggle-born. So they took some blood from us and smeared it on a special parchment which then had to soak in some weird-arse potion for seven nights. We made an appointment to meet with Ragnok to see the results on the eighth day.

I know, but this was developed by the Goblins. It’s much moreaccurate and goes back farther and isn’t as affected by Muggles and Squibs in the bloodline.

The Weasleys? Well, we had mostly avoided them at school, and didn’t take the Express home. We nearly didn’t even go to Bill and Fleur’s wedding, but Fleur was most insistent, and promised to do her best to keep them away from us, which she succeeded in, mostly. The best part was seeing Gabrielle again. The three of us had so much fun together. She even stayed with us for a few days while Bill and Fleur went on their honeymoon. We’ve all been very close ever since.

Veryclose.

/Real//ly/close.

You don’t want to know.

/Anyway.../We went back to Gringotts to see the results of the ritual. To make along story short, I was the senior blood heir to three of the Founders, and Hermione was the senior heir to the other. Wanna try to guess which one was hers?

Nope, but I’ll admit that would have been my first guess, too.

Nope, not that one, either. Gryffindor. I /am/related to Gryffindor, but Hermione is senior to me through her mum. It seems that the Founders weren’t as fragmented as history leads us to believe as they all had children with each other. She was related to Slytherin, too, through her dad.

Oh yeah, a Muggle-born Slytherin. By blood. We laughed our arses off over that.

They were apparently quite a randy bunch. Had a ton of kids between them. Even Salazar was really a good guy. The basilisk was his Familiar, not a weapon against Muggle-borns. Damn, what was his name...? Oh, yeah, Willie.

Well, as the heirs, we gained access to their vaults. There was no money to speak of, but they had lots of artefacts, books, and, most importantly, their private journals.

Yeah, they were, um, interesting reading. Like I said: quite a randy bunch.Gave us quite a few new ideas.

Yeah, well... anyway, that’s where we found the key to defeating Tom. It seems that the House of Slytherin was a pretty, ah; I don’t know what to call it. Apparently, the Head of House had total control over all members, no matter how distant.

/Total/control. Over /all/aspects of each Family members’ life and magic.

Yeah, Sal’s great-grandfather was quite a bastard and had found a way to tie all of his descendants’ lives and magic to the Family Magic, giving him complete and utter control.

Dunno why. Guess he was just an arse. So, on my birthday, I claimed the Slytherin Family Headship, as was my right under the Ministry’s Family Laws, and the Old Laws.

Anyhow, we made plans with Amelia Bones to secure an area of Diagon Alley and...

What?

When?

Nope, she was still alive and kicking then. She lived to be about 130, Ithink. Anyway, we secured the middle of the Alley and had a couple hundred Aurors stationed around the place. I called upon the Slytherin Family Magic, and commanded Tom’s presence.

Oh, he had to, as he was a blood descendant. I was his senior, by one generation, in spite of his being older.

Yeah, I know. We thought of that, too, but it was his magic that tied him to the family, not literally his blood. At least, that’s what we understood from Sal’s journal. Besides, he /did/have some as some of mine was used in his restoration.

So, his magic brought him to me. He sure was surprised when he showed up with his boxers around his ankles.

Well, I guess he was in the loo...

Well... no, I... I think he was wanking...

Oh, I talk about my wife and you say “ew”, but this doesn’t faze you.

Okay, okay. Anyhow, it was easy after that. As his Head of Family, Icommanded his magic, /all//of his magic/, to return to the Earth. Of course, that was after I made him bow before me. Poetic justice, you know.

Yeah, it was quite a light show. It took about an hour as it seems that the Dark Mark he branded his people with tied their magic to his, so when I commanded the release of his magic, theirs went, too. When that was done, Tom simply died, as his current body was a magical construct and with no magic to support it...

The Horcruxes? Well, as near as we could figure, they were tied to his magic. I had the ring in my pocket at the time and after Tom died, I checked and it was no longer aHorcrux.

Well, when Snape killed Dumbledore, I, uh, kinda forgot to destroy it.

Stupid, I know. Anyway, that was the one weakness in the plan, but we figured that even if his Horcruxes survived, without magic, he couldn’t come back anyway.

Yeah, that’s true, but it would have bought us some time, in any case.

Nope, nobody else could use it, or even understand it.

It’s all in Parseltongue. The Slytherin Grimoire is in Parseltongue, too. It made Hermione crazy. She wanted to read it so badly...

Yup.

Just me and a couple of the kids. Well, in Britain, anyhow. Don’t know about the rest of the world.

The Death Eaters... well, that was kind of strange. Some of them died when their master did, but most of them just became Muggles.

No, Muggles. Not a drop of magic in them. Squibs have at least some, but the surviving Death Eaters had none at all. It was mostly the ones that were in the Inner Circle, or /really/enjoyed it, that died. Snape was one of them. Bastard got off too easy.

Afterwards?Not much. Term started September First, like always. Hermione and Iwere Head Girl and Boy. Gabby transferred to Hogwarts from Beauxbatons and spent a great deal of time with us in the Heads’ Suite. We got married right out of school and took a year-long trip sightseeing in both the Wizarding and Muggle worlds for our honeymoon. Then we moved into the castle here. That’s about it. Gabby joined us a few years later.

Well, after she graduated, she spent most of her time here anyway, so it only made sense.

Everybody else? Well, let’s see... Neville’s the Herbology professor at Hogwarts, and Deputy Headmaster... the Patils went back to India... most of the DA works in the Ministry now, and very few of them are Aurors. Why don't you tell me who you want to know about?

Luna finally found one of her damn snorkacks, then some nargles a couple years later. She made enough money and got enough grants to travel the world looking for all sorts of strange critters. She got Hagrid to join her and I understand they eventually got married.

I was afraid you'd get back to them. You see, after Hogwarts, we had almost no contact with them.

Partners?Whatever gave you that idea? The twins opened their shop with the money I /gave/them, and were pretty successful for several years, but they had no business sense, and eventually ran it into the ground. They finally convinced me, well, they got Gabby to convince me, to loan them some money to bail them out. The wankers never even paid me back. Then about ten years later, they blew themselves and the shop up while trying to create some new product or other. Left a bloody big hole in the ground, too. Fortunately, it was late at night so no one else got hurt, but they took out four other businesses.

Ron was working for the twins and had married Lavender. I have no clue what happened after the shop blew, but last I heard, Ron’s eating habits caught up with both of them. I guess neither one of them will even fit on abroom now.

Ginny was sleeping her way through the Quidditch League. She kept trying to convince me that she and I were meant to be together, but stopped after a few years when Hermione hit her with a “special” curse, meant just for her.

What?No, /Hermione/created it, and just for use on Ginny. Ginny couldn’t create anything but trouble and could never even get close to hitting Hermione with a spell.

It was permanent, too. Every time she tried somethingwith me, she’d start her, um, “monthlies.”

Yeah, and they’d last for a month. Still, it took her a while to figure it out. Stupid bint.

Fleur and Bill had a daughter. Things were okay for a while, but Fleur spent more and more time here visiting Gabby. It turned out that being married to Bill meant being married to Molly, too. They had all sorts of rows over it and Fleur would come here to escape. Bill died just before their eighth anniversary. He found out the hard way not to cheat on a Veela.

Yeah, guess he didn’t know that if you cheat on your bonded Veela mate, the bond is broken and you die. Don’t know why he’d cheat on her, either. She was hot and lots of fun. Still is, too.

Yes, I /do/know. Very well, in fact. She and Victoire moved in with us not long afterwards. Fleur couldn’t deal with Molly any more.

She blamed Fleur for Bill’s death. Said he wouldn’t have done what he did if she’d been a proper wife. Bitch. The whole family didn’t have a damn bit of sense. I sometimes think they shared a communal red-headed brain cell.

Remus and I made our peace over a few bottles of Firewhisky after Hermione and I came back from our honeymoon. After some loud discussion and abit of, er, male bonding, we were good. Well, at least after I got back from St. Mungo’s. Oh, never get into a fight with a pissed werewolf.

Yeah, not one of my brighter moves. Anyway, he and Tonks finally got married and had a couple of kids. We still see them pretty often.

The Dursleys? Don’t know. Don’t care.

Regrets?Not too many. Mostly that I didn’t kill Snape myself.

‘Cause I wanted to be the one to kill Dumbledore.

Well, it eventually came out that he was as big a Blood Purist as the rest of those bastards. He helped Molly supply Ron and Ginny with the Amortentia so that my line wouldn’t be polluted with more Muggle-born blood. Fucking bastard. Ron was to get Hermione just to keep her away from me. He didn’t care about her; just wanted to fuck her.

Yeah,he thought the other families would be upset. What he doesn’t know is that the ex-DA run Ministry doesn’t cater to the Old Families any more. Son of a bitch is probably turning in his grave.

His wand? Yeah, I have it. Why?

The Master of /What/?

What the hell are you talking about?

The Deathly Hallows are a myth. A children’s story.

Nope, and I have artefacts that could be considered all three, and they do nothing other than what they are supposed to. And we tried, just for the hell of it.

Nothing.Nothing at all.

Oh, really? Time’s almost up?

Okay. We have been doing this a while. Anything else you need to know?

Well, I have four kids with Hermione, six with Gabrielle, and two more with Fleur.

Well, I /did/tell you we all had fun together.

Stop with the “ews” would you? We also have thirty-five grandchildren, and, I think, twenty-two great-grandchildren so far.

Yeah, I’m pretty happy about it, too.

It was nice to get to know you, too. Can you tell me anything about yourself before you have to go?

That’s great, Harriet. If it means anything, I’m very proud of you, and I’m sure your great-grandmother would be, too. Sorry if Iwas a bit of an arse.

Yeah, I love you, too.

Really?Do I have time for a hug or something?

Yeah, bye, sweetie. Make us proud. And don’t forget to burn that damn book!

oOoOo

Harry sat up in bed suddenly. He looked around the dark room and saw his favourite women surrounding him in the enormous bed. “Fuck me!” he exclaimed.

We just did that, love,” came from the pile of bushy brown hair to his left.

Are you ready again already, mon /chér/?” asked one of the piles of blonde hair, the other pile of blonde mumbling in agreement.

Thoughtfully, Harry said, “I just had the weirdest dream. It can wait ‘till tomorrow, though. But since everybody’s awake...”

oOoOo

Harriet entered the ancient mage’s office angrily. Seeing this, he asked, “Ah, Miss Ravenclaw, how went the visit with your ancestor?”

Enlightening, sir,” she replied tersely. “I learned quite a bit.”

Excellent, Miss Ravenclaw,” the old man responded excitedly, rubbing his wrinkled hands together in anticipation. “What did you learn?”

With a deep breath, the bushy brown haired scholar coolly stated, “That oral traditions don’t mean shit.” She placed a small crystal vial on her shocked professor’s desk and continued,“Here is a copy of my memories, as required. Oh, and he gave me a piece of advice.” She removed an old, well worn tome from her robes and placed it carefully on the desk. Drawing her wand, she muttered, “Incendio/.”/

Before she turned away from her mentor and left the office,Harriet commented, “I’ll be reconsidering my tenure here, so if you have any questions, ask them soon.” She calmly headed for her quarters, playing with the duplicate vial in her pocket.

The elderly wizard looked sadly at the burning cover of the book hisancestor had written so long ago; one of the few things to survive The Catastrophe. Though it was engulfed in flame, he could still almost read the title and author:

The Boy Who Conquered and the Family Who Guided Him to Victory

By: Phineas Weasley

Edited by: Percival Dumbledore













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