"Ry Guy???" Brendon says. We are practicing for our show and I have stopped playing guitar to talk to myself. Great, just freakin' great.
"Sorry" Im acting rude. Yes act rude "Ry Guy" maybe then he will diss you and you can get over it. I hate my inner bitch.
I space out, still playing, Im not even sure Im hitting the right notes even. He has such a pretty voice.
Im disgusted with myself. Its so hard to keep up this "I dont want to be with you" thing.
I want to be with him. I want to hold him. kiss him even. Your stupid, so stupid because he will never love you, he will just think your a fag if you tell him. Im tired of this voice in my head, so I focus back on Brendon, singing his heart out. I smile. Am I blushing? What will I tell him? "Hey Brendon, Im gay, I love you lets be together forever". Its too much to handle. Yeah like saying that wont turn him off. He is your best friend!!. Im hating my life right now.
After we are done practicing Brendon seems to avoid me. Hmm.Your gayness it dripping all over the place Ryan Ross. Shut up!
"Brendon?" I call out. Nothing. Where is he?
I look everywhere. The one place I havent looked. Bathroom. And sure as hell he is there.
He looks upset and that hurts me deep inside. "Bden? Are you Okay?" I ask.
He just starts crying into my arms. "Oh" I mumble.
"Ry, I told my parents something and now they hate me" He crys.
"Its okay..Its okay" Im about to cry as well. It hurts to see him this way.
"Ryan Im not telling you ever...your the only one I got Im not ruining what we have" He says suddenly. "Okay?" Im confused.
"I have to tell you something anyway" I say softly. Maybe he does care. Maybe. I stall.
"Okay" he is wiping away his tears. So beautiful.
"I think I like you"
He looks at me with wide eyes "Like as in like like? Like gay like?"
"Well I think so"
He is going to break it to me that a fag and straight guy cant be together. Will he still be my friend.
"Fuck! My best friend is gay! Faggot!" He yelled.
And I just died inside. I want to die.
I run away. I want to fucking die. It would do everyone good if I was dead.
I go to my rooms bathroom which is small and stupid. I just want to die
I take my pocket knife out and start cutting myself in different angles. Its hurts.I havent dont this in a while. I want to die.
I pass out right there and I hope I never wake up.