Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses
Not Able To Know
2 ReviewsAxl thinks about things....
1:57am
I've been like this for about two years now, not being able to sleep. It first started happening in the late ninties, after he left. It got better eventually, but now it's worse than ever. Ever since he put that damn book out, reminding me of everything. I knew I shouldn't have read it. But it doesn't matter now.
I don't even want to know what he thinks of me now. I imagine he hates my guts after what I said about him. I couldn't control myself, I was hurt. Still am hurt. There are so many things I wish I could've said to him. I had so many chances to, but I didn't know that this would happen. I didn't know that I would feel like this. I wonder if I said the things I wanted to, would he still be here? Would he have even cared? These are some of the things I ask myself every night.
I think about him all of the time. I know it sounds gay, but I don't care anymore. I've stopped trying to surpress the thoughts. A lot of the time I want to just pick up the phone and call. But I don't. What would I say? He wouldn't even want to talk to me. I would end up getting more hurt. And I don't think I could go on with all of that on me. It would just be too much.
I've been looking at a lot of old pictures recently. They are the only things that I cherish anymore. Just looking at pictures of us together makes me feel connected to him, even if it is only temporary. But I know that I should stop thinking like that. I mean, he has a new band. A new singer. He probably doesn't even think of me any more, I'm just a distant memory. I'm the former singer, the singer that caused him so much shit that he probably wishes he'd never met me. But I still hold onto the hope that he thinks of me, even if only for a second.
2:07am
I shouldn't of started, now I can't stop. All of the memories are flooding back. They are killing me, one by one. Memories of us, together, united. Every time this happens I do more damage to myself. It hurts more and more every time. Fuck! Why does this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I have just told him? I hate myself for not saying something...anything.
I feel like I'm going to throw up. Every fucking time. I did this to myself, I'm the one who thought about him. Look, he has a new band, new singer, new life pretty much. And I'm fucking thinking about him every second of the day and night. It's pathetic. I need to get over him.....but it's too hard. He was so important to me. Just to have him there was comforting. I would do anything to just see him again, to hear his voice.
I know he never felt about me in the same way. We were close but we were also distant. Our relationship was always on edge, that was what was so exciting about it. We never knew what was around the corner, but we knew that we would go around the corner together. The whole thing was exciting and unexpected, but also connected and unified. It was the best kind of feeling. And I wish I had that now. I need it more than ever.
You know that connection you feel when you're with a certain person? When it feels like no matter how bad you screw up or whatever, that person will still be there for you? I had that connection with him. And I know he felt the same thing. He didn't feel as strongly about me as I do about him, but he felt that connection. I'm sure of it. I could see it in his eyes when he smiled at me.
2:37am
I'm going insane. I've been thinking about him non-stop for the past 24 hours and it's driving me to do crazy things. I tried hitting my head on the table, it didn't work. Maybe I need to do something more extreme. Maybe then I can focus more on the physical pain instead of the searing pain I'm feeling in my heart.
This is fucked up. Loving someone you haven't seen or heard from in over a decade. There must be something wrong with me. Something fucked up in my head. I need to calm down, this isn't doing anything good. This house is too fucking small, it's suffocating me. I can't breathe properly, I have to get out!
2:47am
The cold air is easier to breathe in. I'm freezing my ass off, but I don't care. At least it numbs my body a bit.
When I think of him, I feel warm inside. But if he was here, I would feel warm outside. That's because he would be right next to me, holding me, making me feel better about everything.
Shut up, no he wouldn't. I have to stop thinking like that. It's only making me feel worse about the whole thing. He has moved on, I need to do the same. I'm going to put myself in a mental home at this rate....But I can't stop it. I can't help but think of all of those incredible times we shared. Like that time in '87. I was so fucking depressed. Everything had just blown to shit...but he was there. He stayed with me for hours, I even fell asleep in his arms. It was the best feeling I've ever had. I remember waking up, and he was still there, asleep. He obviously didn't feel weird about me going to sleep on him.
Wait....He didn't feel weird...He even fell asleep with me there. Maybe he....No, no that's not possible. Or is it? Could he have felt the same way? Why didn't he say anything?...Why didn't I say anything?!? FUCK!!!
3:07am
We could've been together. We could've been happy. But I didn't say anything. And I fucking hate myself for it. Knowing that he could've felt anything like what I feel about him is killing me. But I thought he didn't. I thought he would've hated me for saying anything.
What if he did feel something? What did we miss out on? Being with him would've made my life so much better. And I blew it. All because I was to shy to say something. I'm a fucking idiot....But does this mean he still thinks about me? Or has he really and truely moved on? He could be thinking that he fucked up by not saying anything...he could be in the same position as me. Or he could not be freaking out, he could've never felt anything, and this is all in my head.
Sometimes life is just too hard, too confusing. I'm never going to know if we had a mutual feeling. I want to see him, to ask him about it. But I know it would put both of us in jeopardy. I guess I'll have to live not knowing.
But at least I can dream about what could have been.
I've been like this for about two years now, not being able to sleep. It first started happening in the late ninties, after he left. It got better eventually, but now it's worse than ever. Ever since he put that damn book out, reminding me of everything. I knew I shouldn't have read it. But it doesn't matter now.
I don't even want to know what he thinks of me now. I imagine he hates my guts after what I said about him. I couldn't control myself, I was hurt. Still am hurt. There are so many things I wish I could've said to him. I had so many chances to, but I didn't know that this would happen. I didn't know that I would feel like this. I wonder if I said the things I wanted to, would he still be here? Would he have even cared? These are some of the things I ask myself every night.
I think about him all of the time. I know it sounds gay, but I don't care anymore. I've stopped trying to surpress the thoughts. A lot of the time I want to just pick up the phone and call. But I don't. What would I say? He wouldn't even want to talk to me. I would end up getting more hurt. And I don't think I could go on with all of that on me. It would just be too much.
I've been looking at a lot of old pictures recently. They are the only things that I cherish anymore. Just looking at pictures of us together makes me feel connected to him, even if it is only temporary. But I know that I should stop thinking like that. I mean, he has a new band. A new singer. He probably doesn't even think of me any more, I'm just a distant memory. I'm the former singer, the singer that caused him so much shit that he probably wishes he'd never met me. But I still hold onto the hope that he thinks of me, even if only for a second.
2:07am
I shouldn't of started, now I can't stop. All of the memories are flooding back. They are killing me, one by one. Memories of us, together, united. Every time this happens I do more damage to myself. It hurts more and more every time. Fuck! Why does this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I have just told him? I hate myself for not saying something...anything.
I feel like I'm going to throw up. Every fucking time. I did this to myself, I'm the one who thought about him. Look, he has a new band, new singer, new life pretty much. And I'm fucking thinking about him every second of the day and night. It's pathetic. I need to get over him.....but it's too hard. He was so important to me. Just to have him there was comforting. I would do anything to just see him again, to hear his voice.
I know he never felt about me in the same way. We were close but we were also distant. Our relationship was always on edge, that was what was so exciting about it. We never knew what was around the corner, but we knew that we would go around the corner together. The whole thing was exciting and unexpected, but also connected and unified. It was the best kind of feeling. And I wish I had that now. I need it more than ever.
You know that connection you feel when you're with a certain person? When it feels like no matter how bad you screw up or whatever, that person will still be there for you? I had that connection with him. And I know he felt the same thing. He didn't feel as strongly about me as I do about him, but he felt that connection. I'm sure of it. I could see it in his eyes when he smiled at me.
2:37am
I'm going insane. I've been thinking about him non-stop for the past 24 hours and it's driving me to do crazy things. I tried hitting my head on the table, it didn't work. Maybe I need to do something more extreme. Maybe then I can focus more on the physical pain instead of the searing pain I'm feeling in my heart.
This is fucked up. Loving someone you haven't seen or heard from in over a decade. There must be something wrong with me. Something fucked up in my head. I need to calm down, this isn't doing anything good. This house is too fucking small, it's suffocating me. I can't breathe properly, I have to get out!
2:47am
The cold air is easier to breathe in. I'm freezing my ass off, but I don't care. At least it numbs my body a bit.
When I think of him, I feel warm inside. But if he was here, I would feel warm outside. That's because he would be right next to me, holding me, making me feel better about everything.
Shut up, no he wouldn't. I have to stop thinking like that. It's only making me feel worse about the whole thing. He has moved on, I need to do the same. I'm going to put myself in a mental home at this rate....But I can't stop it. I can't help but think of all of those incredible times we shared. Like that time in '87. I was so fucking depressed. Everything had just blown to shit...but he was there. He stayed with me for hours, I even fell asleep in his arms. It was the best feeling I've ever had. I remember waking up, and he was still there, asleep. He obviously didn't feel weird about me going to sleep on him.
Wait....He didn't feel weird...He even fell asleep with me there. Maybe he....No, no that's not possible. Or is it? Could he have felt the same way? Why didn't he say anything?...Why didn't I say anything?!? FUCK!!!
3:07am
We could've been together. We could've been happy. But I didn't say anything. And I fucking hate myself for it. Knowing that he could've felt anything like what I feel about him is killing me. But I thought he didn't. I thought he would've hated me for saying anything.
What if he did feel something? What did we miss out on? Being with him would've made my life so much better. And I blew it. All because I was to shy to say something. I'm a fucking idiot....But does this mean he still thinks about me? Or has he really and truely moved on? He could be thinking that he fucked up by not saying anything...he could be in the same position as me. Or he could not be freaking out, he could've never felt anything, and this is all in my head.
Sometimes life is just too hard, too confusing. I'm never going to know if we had a mutual feeling. I want to see him, to ask him about it. But I know it would put both of us in jeopardy. I guess I'll have to live not knowing.
But at least I can dream about what could have been.
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