Pwentz gets what's coming to him.
I watched with disgust as Pete and Gabe partied with the newest addition to Decaydance on table in A&K.
"I put up with Tyga because he's Travis' cousin, and Hey Monday because they're decent kids, but this is just too fucking much," I said, that being only a dent on the recently douchey attitude possessing my best friend.
"Their faces are going to melt off on Warped," Dan O'Connor said coming up to Carolyn and me.
"Oh yeah Dan, care to comment on your new label mates?" Carolyn snickered.
"Fuck you guys," Dan flipped her off and stalked off toward his bandmates.
"But think of the tours! Four Year Strong and the Millionaires! Best Bros -"
"Talentless hoes," Caro added
"and...Record Lows!" I finished lamely.
"It could still work," Caro laughed.
"We gotta get out of here," I hear a familiar voice and we turned around to see Joe Trohman, Patrick Stump, and William Beckett, the latter leaning in and giving Caro and peck on the lips.
"I agree. Where's Andy?" I asked, noticing the absence of the usual four.
"He already bailed," Patrick said. "Hey there's Pete! PETE!"
"I'll call him," Joe said pulling out his phone.
"Good luck," I mumbled.
"Hey why don't you tell him your 1984 and you want your sunglasses back," said Patrick.
Joe winced at Patrick's bad joke and we watched Pete as he committed the ultimate sin. He pulled out his phone, check the caller ID, made a face, and shoved it back in his pocket.
"Did he just screen me!? I will--" Bill pulled him back before he could finish his threat. "AGHH-" I shook my head and followed everyone out.
We all eventually ended up at IHOP, satisfying the ever burning craving for late night pancakes.
"Alright what about Pete? He's horrible!" Patrick said after we all ate our weight in syrup and pancakes.
"I know! Ever since the whole "Sexiest People" thing he's turned into a total grade A, free range, douchebag," said William, sucking down more syrup.
"Screw him, he screened me. He's completely out of control," Joe said.
"Alright, maybe he doesn't know how bad it's gotten?" said Patrick.
"Guys we have to do something about Pete. I mean he is retrievable, I know it. And if we do something now, it could be like, just a phase! Ya know? Like everyone has a weird phase, right?"
"Yeah, I mean I tried to rock the bolo tie during that whole Joshua Tree period. Happens to everybody," Bill commented. We reciprocated with a round of "wtf" faces.
"Alright what are supposed to do then, just ride this out and hope it goes away?" asked Joe.
"I think it's more serious than that," I said. "I think we have to do an intervention. A douchebag intervention."
"Wait, what about Gabe?" yawned Caro, who had pretty much been asleep for the past hour.
"Oh no sweetie, that's all your crap. Your brother, your problem."
"Ok, I want to remind you all that Pete may not want to be helped, but it must happen for his own good," said Caro, back at the house. She had kindly enough volunteered to lead the intervention. Mainly because she can instill the fear of God into anyone.
"Yo what up yallz," said Pete as he entered the through the front door. Shitfuck, did Gabe dress him? Ridiculous shirt, ridiculous pants, and a fucking ridiculous belt. Emphases on the "dic(k)". Oh and did I mention he was wearing Croc Supras? Yeah.
"Petey is drinking saké tonight but someone's gotta pour for me because, ya know it's bad luck for you to pour yo --" Pete stopped when he noticed all the serious faces staring at him. "What's going on?"
"Pete please come over and take a seat," said Caro gesturing to empty seat on the couch next to me.
"Why what is this?"
"Pete we all love you. We just want to talk to you," I said and patted the empty seat and he sat down.
"Pete, your friends are all hear tonight to support you, they care about you, and want you to know that lately they have noticed --"
"Dude, you've been acting like a total douchebag!" said Patrick
"TOTAL. DOUCHEBAG." echoed Joe.
"Sit the fuck down Joe, this is for Pete," said Caro. "Now, they've each written you a letter. Patrick." Caro nodded for him to read his letter.
You've been acting like a douche lately. When you bail on us at the last minute it really hurts my feelings. And when you tried to get me to buy the new Fergie album it made me feel so lonely. I want you to get better," he finished and crumpled up the letter.
"Alright guys, I really don't have time for this ok because I'm supposed to play laser with Joel Madden at midnight." We all groaned in unanimous disgust.
"See!? That's what we're talking about!" said Joe and he whipped out his letter:
You screened my call, douchebag. You're a really big douche! If you were a superhero, you'd be Captain Douchebag. Your superpowers would be screening calls and the ability to wreck any hang, Douche. And then I drew a picture of you as Captain Douchebag," he said and held up the drawing of what was clearly Pete with a cape and some villain.
"Who is he fighting?" I asked.
"That's a giant lizard."
Just then to door walked opened and Andy walked in with two huge bags of vegetables and whatever else.
"Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I got attacked by that old lady at the vegan farmer's market. I tried to talk -- what's going on?"
"Andy, it's the Douchebag Intervention, remember?" I said.
"Oh right...Joe, when you act like you're on Star Wars --"
"Andy! It's Pete's intervention!"
"Oh. Sorry," Andy said to Joe and turned to Pete. "Pete why are you being such a lame-o recently? Look at you. Look at your hair. Have some cucumbers," he said and dropped a bag on his lap.
"Ok, you know what? This sucks! Ok, I finally start getting some attention and i have to deal with this? You know what, you guys are all just jealous! You should feel thankful I still make time for you!
"Oh my God are kidding me?!"
"Douchey von Douchenstein! Really?"
"Stay calm, stay calm, this all part of the healing!" Caro reminded everyone.
"Ok that is enough!" I finally said and stood up. "Pete, come on you are not mean and awful why are you acting like this!? This isn't you! I mean come on man look at your belt!"
"Hey you know what --"
"Look at it!" I snapped.
Pete stopped and looked down at him self, quite for a moment. He finally took off his sunglasses and sat back down.
"Oh my God," he resigned.
"Yes, exactly. Look it's been really rough for us, you know? We just don't understand what you're trying to prove."
"Nothing. I don't know. I was just sort of going with it. It was fun."
"Was it? Was it really fun?"
"Well yeah, a little."
"Look Pete, you're not one of those guys who cares about clubs and name droppping. You've never been that guy. And all this fake stuff, shitty stuff can't possible make you happy. And we want you back.
"Wow was I really that bad?"
"Shortening your words to "Waffs" and "Vods" I mean come on," said Patrick jumping back in to the conversation.
"Yeah it was...annoy," Said Joe.
"I-I am so sorry that I blew you guys off like that. And I am so sorry that I screen your phone call. I'm sorry for all of it."
"It's ok Pete, what matters is you want to change," said Caro.
"I do. I don't want to be a douche."
Joe smiled and gave him the thumbs-up sign and I hi-5'd Patrick.
The truth is, you either become what you hate or you hate what you become. And in fame, the challenge is don't forget where you came from. It sounds it, but sometimes you need help from the people who love you.
Tada! Super shitty, kind of funny 1-shot that I wrote to take a break from Black Lines and Battlefields. Based of an episode of My Boys that I've wanted to do for awhile, but right now seemed like a decent time. If only this could happen in real life...le sigh.