I met someone with my name today. It made me feel...I don't know.
Journal Entry #1
June 13, 2009
I met someone with my name today. It made me feel...I don't really know. I wanted to rip their hair out and sort of drive a chainsaw straight through their stomach. Splish, splosh. That's bad, isn't it? It is. I don't think I should have written it down, because I know they're gonna read it and ask me about it. But I'm feeling a little reckless today, so I'll keep going.
On to that stupid fuck with the same name as me. Right about now, you'll probably be wondering why I even care. Well, I guess I'm wired funny, but you must take into consideration that I am a patient in a mental hospital. It's almost a requirement to be a freak. Actually it is a requirement. I know, of course, that the planet's pretty big, and on it, there are many human beings who share the same name as me. And that's fine. They can exist in their world, live their life, fuck cows, whatever. But, when they come into my world, it's a whole different story. Then, I start to feel like they're trying to pry my life away from me. No, I'm not paranoid, it's not like “HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!” It's more like they're attempting, in some way, to steal my identity. I'm crazy, aren't I? I am. But, fuck, it's makes me so upset when someone calls my name and I turn around, but it was directed at the other guy. That's just...I don't really know, it makes my heart sink down to my stomach. I start choking up.
It partly has to do with the fact that people don't usually call my name. So, when this occurs, it makes me feel a bit better. Like people actually know I'm there. It might not seem like a huge deal for anyone else, but when you're so anti-social that even your imaginary friends leave you, it becomes a pretty big thing. I'm sort of a mega-loser among mega-losers.
That's not the point though. The point is that I now feel like my life doesn't belong to me anymore, it belongs to that ass who has the same name as me!
I also kind of feel responsible for him now. Because, think about this; what if he does something wrong and people start spreading the news? Everyone would be like, “Did you hear, Frankie snuck in cocaine into his dorm?” and of course, I wouldn't do that, it would've been the other guy! Even if they eventually figured that out, I know that the human brain has strange ways of recalling things and they will forever associate me with the crime. I don't want that kind of negative aura to surround my name. I just want to be normal.
I don't think I can though. That makes me really upset. And what's more, the other Frank is really normal. Well, I guess not, since he's here, but people like him more. I think it's because he has a nice, cute smile and mine is all crooked and ugly. Fuck, I wanna stomp on his stupid fucking mouth until his teeth fall out in crumbs.
The doctors would probably tell me to take my medication now, because I'm getting a little flustered. They told me that it's supposed to make me calm down, but it doesn't work. It makes me sick. It makes me nauseous and groggy and sweaty, so I'm not going to take any.
But I sort of hate being me, it's really hard to handle.
It's time to go to bed now, though, and my mom always told me that you should go to sleep with good thoughts on your mind. That way, you have good dreams. I hate nightmares, so I always try to be optimistic at bedtime.
You know the song that the little redhead girl sings in that movie? It's called Tomorrow. I think that's my favorite song of all time. Because I'm always hopeful about tomorrow. Maybe something miraculous will happen and I'll be normal.
And then, I can go home, and see my mom, and maybe she'll give me hugs and kisses like she used to when I was a kid. I really miss my mom. She always treated me like I was the only Frank on the entire planet. I don't know where she is now... But maybe she'll come visit me tomorrow.