I'm just Mikey.....
If you could change you're life would you? I'm a loner, a loser, a weakling, not good enough for anything, or anyone. A person who would rather spend his time in his room holding his earphones inside his ears, while his brother and friends go out and have a social life, scoring the hottest skankstrumpet in school.
I'm different. I have different opinions, I watch different movies, different clothes, different music. Just different, so to speak.
I don't fit in. Not with my friends, sure as hell not at school, not even my family, hence the loneliness. Sitting in a dark room while music plays, and only one candle flickers in the light. The only time I go out is when it's raining. Rain is beautiful, rain cleanses, rain restores. Sunshine only works for those who get tired of the rain, that is not me.
"Why are you so wierd?", Is what they ask me. Well that's an interesting question, but I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you. I grew up as a younger child, the one who was not, or could not live up to the expectations of the older child. No awards, honor rolls, trophies. I was not like my brother. Sure I was good at school. Sure at one point, I put in the effort and maintained good grades, but after awhile I grew tired. Grew tired of proving to someone, I could do something, when no one cared. That's why I don't speak. No one listens to me anyways. All I do is shrug.
"I'm just Mikey."
I'm invisble. I could be in a room with one person and feel only half of myself. I'm not worth seeing, or hearing. That's how it has always been. I'm standing right next you and you don't see me, how can this be? I'm invisible, that is the key.
"You're depressed Michael, you need help." Is what my mother tells me. All I do is sit there and stiffle a laugh. Depressed? Nah, not me. I not a cutter, drinker, smoker, drug user. I'm a reader. I read books, look at the stars at night and lay in my comfortable bed. Depressed? Never.
"Bipolar?" My dad whispers to the doctor. That could be true. I feel happy then I feel sad. But I'm rarely happy, so I don't think that's it. Maybe I'm lost. A child who never quite grew up. Like Peter Pan. Sure I imagine places that are off the maps, lost islands who have gorgeous mermaids swimming the sea, unknown creatures lurking the planet. Maybe that's what I am.....Lost.
Lost inside myself. My inner me is sleeping softly and is perfectly content, staying there. I really don't mind.
"Mikey, you need to come off with it man. You're scaring us." Gerard intervenes. I cock my head at him and smile. I'm practically chained to the kitchen chair as my family tries to go intervention on my ass. Scary? Hah, they make laugh. I'm not scary, I couldn't even scare a fly if I wanted to. His hazel eyes bore into me with confusion and I just shrug. What can I tell them? I've been asking myself these questions since the beginning of time.
"Oh really, Gerard?" I said sarcastically. He glares then sits down while putting a hand to his head. I'm still sitting here not even paying attention to them. It's not like it makes a difference. Sure they care now, but how long will it last?
"Michael James, please talk to us. Tell us what's wrong." My mama pleads to me. Wrong? What's wrong? Everything, now that's whats wrong. I shrug once more and stare out the window, watching the rain fall. So steady, yet fast. I see a flash of lightning across the way. A loud rumble follows after, oh how I long to be in the rain. I stare back at my family and sigh.
I really just don't know.
"Michael, why do you feel so lost?" Dr. Rampson asks me. I fight the urge to roll my eyes. My mother's brilliant idea of helping me, is to bring me to a money grubbing therapist who could care less what, and why I'm here. What a douche...nozzle.
"It's Mikey." I say firmly. He nods in understanding.
"Mikey, what is going on? Is there something you need to share, but just can't find the right person to talk to?" I scoffed. Talking. What good has talking done for me? When I talk, I talk to myself cause that's how it feels. I stare at the boring blue walls. Pointless awards hang from the walls neatly. Fake plants in the corners of the room. A picture of a black swirl that is on the wall behind Dr. Rampson. This is their idea of helping? Now that's depressing...
I'm not special, I'm not perfect, I don't even make an attempt to be. I'm not cute, I'm nothing. Sure I'm crazy, sure I'm delusional. Maybe alittle hopeless, but I'm me. Mikey.
"Well?" Dr. Rampson said.
"I'm just me." Is all I can come up with. It's the truth, and the only truth. There's no reason for why I am, the way I am. There's no diagnosis to explain why Michael James way is different than the entire universe.
"Mikey are you suici-" I cut him off with my hand. I'm more annoyed than angered.
"Look Dr. Rampson. I'm not suicidal, I honestly don't really need to be here. I'm perfectly fine being invisible to everyone, it's just how it goes. I don't need help from my family, I certainly don't need help from a therapist who gets paid to help people with their problems, when in reality, you could care less what happens to them after the session is over. Now if you'll excuse I have better things to do, then sit here and pretend to care." I got up from the chair and he stood there shocked. Obviously I'm the first one who has told him off. I repeat, douche.
"That's what I thought." I whispered and walked out. Psh, like that really helped. What a waste. People these days...I involuntary begin to walk back home, but I wasn't in the mood to get my ass chewed out by my parents for being home so early, so I simply turn around to my favorite spot. It was a five minute walk from the office, a rather nice walk if you ask me. It was a grass that led to a rather large cliff. I smile as my feet come closer and closer to the edge. The clouds began to roll in and pretty soon I'm soaked in rain water. I giggle as my feet came even closer. I wonder how it would feel to jump off this high cliff? Would it hurt when I fell in the water below? Would I die instantly? A broken bone, or a broken body? Hmm...these questions are simply out of curiousity..
"Rain." I said softly. The water from above falls down into the current below, increasing it's speed. I giggle as I lift my left foot. One more move, and I'll fall down to my death, or injury if I'm lucky. There's only one way to find out. I carefully lifted my other leg and took a deep breath as I jumped. I'm going, going, going down. And while I'm falling, the rain water is the sweetest sound.
Just kidding. I didn't jump. Did I fool you? If I did, well that's a mistake on your part. If you were listening earlier, I told you i'm not depressed, much less suicidal. See? No one listens to me.
I stare at the clouds and frown as my rain goes away. My beautiful lifeless rain.
"Is that really necessary?" I whisper into no one in particular. I cringe as I'm exposed to the sudden rays of the sun. No, I'm not a vampire, if that's what you're getting at. I certainly don't shine either. As time goes by, I just stand there not doing anything. I'm alive, but not living. I'm awake, but sleeping inside. A sleeping soul that shall remain a mystery until the end of time. A soul that is me. An individual. A lonely individual, but an individual no less.
Now back to that question...if you could would you?
As for me? Never.
"Why are you so wierd?" Is what they ask me. I turn to them and simply shrug.
"I'm just Mikey."