As I pulled up to the side-walk in Will's car the rain continued to lash down and cascade from the cars metal roof. Ellie and Will were snuggled up in the back, there hair stuck to their faces with moisture. All I wanted to do was get inside and collapse down n the basement onto my bad with Kat. I couldn't wait to have Kat led under my arm, her body heat radiating onto mine and defrosting me. I wanted to feel the soft, puckered skin of Kat's lip against my icy mouth, and I could all but imagine the feel of her warm hands on my iceberg-like chest.
Ellie and Will took there time to get out the car and I all but flew up the front drive and I have to admit I did stumble and loose my footing as I hit the steps. “Hey, what about the car?!” Will shouted from the car door which he held open for Ellie to slide out of. “Sorry, forgot!” I threw the keys niftily from the top step and they dropped to the ground, into a puddle, just in-front of him. He sighed loudly and picked them up.
I threw open the door, the rain flooding in from the front porch. I pushed the door shut quickly to staunch the flow and the water stopped puddling almost seamlessly. “WERE BACK!” I shouted, as I pulled my sodden converse from my swollen feet. We'd walked around New Jersey for hours and had stopped for lunch in my favorite Italian. My Mom walked out from the living room silently and stood in-front of me. Her face was pink and her hair hung lankly around her shoulders. She was never any pinker than her lips, but now they were much paler than her blotchy cheeks. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot. I'd only ever seen her like this three times before. When Grandma Lena had passed. When she'd thrown Dad out and about 5 months ago when I'd come back to my childhood home, my heart smashed to smithereens and my face tear-stained. “What's wrong Ma?” I went to cradle her but she pulled away from me, her eyes shadowing in pain. I saw only filmy ghosts of her soul in them.
She didn't speak to me, but a single tear fell from her glassy eyes and it meandered its way down her wrinkled, ageing face. She looked once to the kitchen before wrapping her old shawl around her shoulders tighter and ascending the short staircase to the attic rooms.
I knew at once that the lifelessness in her eyes should have showed me no ghosting of her emotions, yet as she walked away from me I felt my mothers shame smother me and something else also. Perhaps, something I'd recently seen in Kat's eyes when she'd been worried for her babies life. Fear. It ate me up and spat me out.
Bob came to stand at the lounge door his face ashen and guilty. Tears cascaded from his eyes and his lip trembled like only a girl's would. “She knows.”
He nodded slowly and his knees collapsed beneath him. He landed in a heap on the floor, his head resting against the door frame. He lent his head back and his eyes were glazed over with tears.
I raked a hand through my tangled hair. The rain had been soaked up by my freshly mop and it had curled up around my face naturally.
The house seemed to chill rapidly as I crossed from the hallway through the diner into the kitchen. I stopped in the open doorway. Kat was sat with her back to me. Her shoulders quaked and she shook. I placed a hand on her shoulder and she froze.
She turned her head to look up at me. Her eyes showed me nothing. Pain and sorrow were etched across her brow and she tightened her lips. She shook my hand from her shoulder in one swift, strong movement. Anger made her cheeks flame and my hand retracted away from her quickly. Her face was cold and I backed up against the counter. In front of Kat lay a large stack of dollar notes. Her fingers traced the edges of the individual notes carefully. “I'm sorry Kat.” I wanted my voice to be strong and powerful but instead it only whispered like wind on a Scottish moor. She looked up at me, her eyes icy with hatred. “Is that all you can say? I'm sorry? What are you sorry for Gerard? For nearly killing Simon or for buying my baby from him?” Shame flooded my veins and my head was filled with memories of last night.
A blond boy. A black van. A silent park. A bloody body. An envelope filled with cash.
“I didn't mean to hurt him so badly. We got carried away.”
“Carried away? Gerard he's as good as dead!” She wasn't crying but I was. My tears warmed my face as they fell down my cheeks. “I'm sorry.” She sighed but beneath it was a low laugh. “Your a murderer Gerard!”
“He's not dead!” My voice was broken and I sounded like I was telling it too myself not attempting to protect myself. I was telling myself. I was trying to reassure myself. I was a murderer,I knew I was, yet there was still this feeling of pride within me. To see Simon squirm and hide from me. To know he felt like pain, as he'd made Kat feel. To know that Bob and I were the ones to cause that pain. I was proud of what I'd done. Of what Bob and I had done.
“He may not be dead but you could have killed him, You saw him! You as good as killed him Gerard!”
“And what about what he did to you?! What about him raping you?! Doesn't that mean anything to you? He ripped you Kat! And for what? The fun of it? And now you forgive him?!” She stood close to me, her breath came as quick as my own. She pulled away at my last remark and looked away from me guiltily. “You've forgiven him. You forgave him didn't you?!” I pulled her around to face me and she squirmed under my tight grasp, “GET OFF ME!” she screamed but I didn't release her. “You forgave him. He hurt you so badly but you still forgave him!?!” She began to sob and I loosened my grip on her wrist.
“I had too.” Her voice was tough and I could find no falter in it.
“You don't have too do anything.”
“I had to forgive him. I'm having his baby Gerard.” I felt as if I'd been punched in the gut. No matter how much I wanted it to be my child Kat's body protected so bravely, it wasn't. This baby would always be Simon's. A rapist's child.
“I had to forgive him. If I don't I don't know how I'm going to feel towards the baby. If I hate the father it means I'll hate half my child and I can't do that Gerard. No matter how much I want too, and no matter how much I love you and know that you want this child to be part of us, it can't be. It's not yours. It's mine and Simon's.” My eyes began to sting with tears and I couldn't help but cry. My body was being ripped into pieces. With everything Kat said I lost a part of myself. “He doesn't deserve you. Either of you.” I took her hand in mine and she rubbed her thumb against my hand. “I know Gerard. But this is Simon's baby too. And you had no right to do what you did.”
“I thought you'd leave me.” She dropped my hands and pulled away from me.
“You really thought I'd go with Simon? You idiot. Did you really think the only way to stop him was to buy my baby from him?!”
“I didn't buy the baby.”
“You gave Simon money to stay away, too never come back. You paid him to stay away from me! To never be part of his child's life. You told him if he took the money he had too stay away from me and your child!” Kat's eyes were glassy again and hatred seemed to seep through her every limb. I couldn't deny it.
Last night, I gave Simon money. I as good as told him I'd buy Kat and his baby from him. $100,000 a year. That was the deal. $50,000 from Bob and $50,000 from me. We'd bought Kat's child.
“Sorry's not good enough Gerard.” She pulled away further from me. Her hands reached for the money from the table. “Take your money back and stay away from me. Me and my child. And don't even think about going near Simon.” She pushed the money into my hands and I slid down the kitchen counter as she left me. Alone and silent in the kitchen.
Stupid, stupid me. What had I been thinking? But Simon didn't deserve her. I didn't. Nobody did. She was a better person than I'd ever be.
But last night. Last night when Simon had asked us for money. He'd said he'd stay away. Never come near our families ever again. We'd taken the bait. After we'd handed the money over he'd laughed, “How stupid are you two? Dumb and Dumber. I thought Kat was bloody stupid but you two? Imbeciles. I never wanted her to keep the sprog. But with rich old brother to look after her, I thought what the hell, this could be worth my while. And look at it. You two prats fell for it. She's not worth it. Neither's the kid. Going to be as stupid as its mother!” I'd exploded and so had Bob. We'd hurt him. He'd screamed but we'd carried on. Attacked him until he hadn't spoken.
We couldn't leave him there. Alone in the park. We'd picked him him and taken him to Mikey's. Of course we'd had to tell Mikey everything. He'd understood.
Kat would never forgive me now. I loved her and would never be able to go near her ever again.
Bob walked into the kitchen now. He was followed closely by Mom. “I want you out Gerard. Please. Kat's my priority now. You messed it up this time. I don't believe any son of mine could do that to someone. Hurt them so much. Please Gerard. Get out of my house.” My Mom looked at me lovingly but I understood why she was doing it. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't. Bob helped me up and I grabbed a jacket from the back of a chair. I slid it on and went to open the front door. Bob followed me and my Mom took my hand. “Just give her time Gerard. Please. Leave her for a while. Think about what you've done. The same to you Bob. She'll never forgive you if you hang around. She needs time.” Mom hugged me quickly and kissed Bob and I. We went out into the cold night air and Bob unlocked the van. “Where too now?” Bob asked from the other side of the van.
“A hotel I guess.” I watched the house. Lights were on in Mikey's room and I saw Kat. She pulled back the lace and held a hand to the window. Tears streamed down her face and my own did the same. She shook her head and watched as Bob and I slid into the van.
As we left the house my stomach flipped and my blood ran cold. Nothing would ever be the same.
Thanks for the comments guys, thanks lyrical lies for all the support! xxx