Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Incendiary Heart
Chapter 3
14 ReviewsSleep to dream...dream of waking...and come to life in the in between...
Chapter 3
It’s so funny that you keep coming back. Haha This story is a cathartic one for me. It’s good to write about my dreams. Sometimes I don’t even understand them but once I’ve written them out, I realize how much sense they make. The cryptic conclusions are beautifully marked and I hope you can decode them as well. If not, I’ll explain in due time. We’re finally getting somewhere…xoxo Harley
Frank sat on top of the picnic table in the darkened corner of the lot, staring at the old grills by the trash cans. He smoked his cigarette thinking of all the times the bands had gotten together in different states, on other tours, and gathered around grills in the darkness. There was something manly about stacking the charcoal and lighting the briquettes, watching them burn into fiery coals. Frank was always on a separate grill by himself. Not many vegetarians on the road. Frank had a road all to himself a lot of the time. He would watch the others near him, closely removed. The smell of soy singing the air, wafting against the dead meat that cooked a few feet away. But that was Frank. Different. Removed. Not out of place but a little off center. He stared at the quiet grills now and bowed his head, feeling even more alone.
“Hungry?” Gerard asked, stepping up on the picnic table to sit on the top beside him, but facing the opposite direction.
Frank shook his head. “No.” The hunger he had was not one likely to be filled with food.
“Saw you eyeing the grill,” he smiled. “Thought maybe you were feeling better.”
“Fever,” Frank shrugged. “No appetite.” But that was a lie. And not even the first.
Gerard nudged him. A simple move, a gentle touch, and Frank knew what he wanted. No words between them, just a past of memories long enough to know what he was asking. Frank pulled a cigarette from his jacket pocket and passed it over to his hand in the darkness. He pulled his hoodie tighter, feeling the cold seeping in as though by giving it away, he had lost something too.
“Sometimes I wonder if you just wait for it,” Gerard said, shoulder to shoulder with Frank, still facing the opposite direction.
“For what?” he asked, blowing the smoke out into the night so he could see it against the moon like a cloud.
Gerard put his hand out and Frank held out his lighter. He smiled at Frank and took the cigarette right from his lips, holding it opposite in his own and lighting it from Frank’s. He pulled with hard lungs and his face lit up with cherry red glow until he exhaled, his face softening again. “The fever,” he said, holding the cigarette back up to Frank’s lips where he had taken it from. “Sometimes I think you wait for the fever to come…just so you can have a good dream.”
Frank stared into the trees beyond the picnic area. “They’re not all good,” he said shaking his head.
“Are they meaningful though?” Gerard asked.
He was not sure how to answer that. He was sure of nothing anymore. “Sometimes,” he said blankly.
Gerard nodded. “You never tell me about the bad ones.”
“No,” Frank said softly. “I don’t tell you half the good ones either though,” he said, grinning a smile that landed in the opposite direction of his intended mark since they were still shoulder to shoulder and facing away.
“Why not?” Gerard asked smoothly taking a drag.
Frank suddenly felt very tired. His shoulders slumped and he hunched on the table over his knees on the seat. “Sometimes there’s too much to tell to even remember. Sometimes I don’t understand them enough to explain.” Gerard nodded as though Frank had said something he understood. Frank wondered if he really did.
“Well if you ever need a hand…” he shrugged, getting up from the table, leaving with what he had come for. And then he was gone.
Frank sighed and headed back to the bus. He could hear the guys from Taking Back Sunday nearby outside their own bus, a quiet distance away. He could join them, surround himself with old friends who had known him long enough to not have any questions for him. But Frank would have rather been surrounded by dreams. He needed to be wrapped in sleep. His fever was rising and his energy was dropping and he poured himself into his bunk.
He lay there a few moments before closing his eyes, settling into position for the night. One arm draped above his head, resting on the pillow behind him. The other hung gently over his bare stomach that was exposed in case anyone wanted to see. He left the curtain open a bit; a crease so small it could not be a door but could maybe be a window if someone was looking. Was Gerard looking? Frank sighed. He would only be looking from above. Like a God. A God who did not interfere in the life of a mortal beneath him.
Frank whispered softly, knowing Gerard would not hear him. “Goodnight.”
“Keep your sparrows close, Frankie,” Gerard said softly.
Frank’s eyes shot back open as he stared up at the bunk that separated them. This was his chance to ask. The right questions. “Was that you last night? Or a dream?” he asked, his normal voice at a volume that could reach him.
“What do you think?” Gerard’s smile asked, drifting softly down without effort. His words gathered speed as they fell.
“I don’t know,” he answered.
Gerard was still smiling. “I know…but I’m not telling.”
Frank smiled up at him, willing it to reach him. “Yes. It was you.”
Gerard whispered, “It was you too, Frank.”
He fell asleep with a smile on his face and he hoped it would carry into his dreams. But as the restless nature of the dream took form, his smile grew farther away. Frank saw a light in the distance and though he was not walking towards it, it was pulling him closer as he drifted. The sure realization of a dream in progress, Frank was finally ready for anything the light might show him.
Two sides of a red velvet curtain pulled back to reveal a grand ballroom and a Masquerade in full swing. The men had tailored suits and pointed masks with unnatural features and poised expressions. The ladies wore gowns and removable masks that held to their sticks, raised to their eyes, the rest of their faces uncovered. Frank waded through the dancing couples, admiring the beauty of the scene. The music played loudly over the chatter although no one’s lips were moving.
A man Frank would know anywhere, even with his face masked, waltzed his way to the side. His inky black hair fell loosely around the mask with the sharp pointed nose and fiercely decorated eyes that encased the real face beneath it. He was dancing with a man and Frank looked closer to see it was Mikey. Even behind the mask he could see the tall slender man’s smile as he danced with his brother before Frank, one hand on Gerard’s shoulder, the other softly at his hip.
“What are you doing?” Frank asked curiously.
Gerard smiled, turning Mikey in the dance so he could see him. “Us? Oh we’ve been playing together forever.”
“Playing?” Frank asked.
Mikey turned his brother so he could see Frank again. “Our parts,” he nodded. They stopped dancing and faced him together, side by side, their masks in stunning similarity. “Have you come to play yours?”
Frank shook his head. “I don’t think I was invited.”
Gerard grinned. “However did you get here?”
“I don’t remember,” he said softly. Mikey and Gerard began to giggle, hiding behind their hands as they laughed at him; their faces hiding behind masks and hands and laughter. Frank looked down at his hoodie and jeans, his old faded Vans leaving black scuffs on the ballroom floor from the curtain he had come through to the place he now stood. “I don't have a costume,” he said, looking up and wishing he had a mask to hide his embarrassed face. The entire ballroom of dancers stopped as they all turned to look at Frank, their laughter in chorus, taking the place of the music.
Gerard cocked his head. “Sure you do,” he smiled. “Yours is the best one of all.”
Frank sputtered, “But I’m not…it’s not…”
“Riiiight,” another man smiled as he slid across the floor into view.
“Adam?” he asked, trying to see behind the mask. He had known his smile long enough though, that voice so liquid smooth.
Seeing Adam Lazzara and Gerard’s smiles side by side with unnatural evenness and delicate balance was unnerving. They were the most perfect smiles Frank had ever seen, even with their masks on they were beautiful. And together. Adam slipped his arm around Gerard’s waist, tugging him from Mikey with ease.
“Glad you finally made it,” Adam smiled to Frank.
Frank shook his head. “I…I didn’t know you were waiting.”
Matt Fazzi stepped up, joining Mikey’s side with a grin. “Always waiting,” he smirked. “Nice costume,” he nodded sincerely. “Better than any of ours.”
“It’s not…” Frank sighed, completely distracted.
Gerard leaned towards him, his eyes and smile peeking through the mask. “You'll be fine Frankie. They can't see you anyway.” The room returned to the dance and the masquerade ball continued. “Not like I do,” he grinned. Frank blushed and looked down at his fiddling hands. Gerard asked, “How long did it take you to get ready?”
He looked back up at him again, meeting his stare head on, facelessly facing him again. “A long time I think.”
“You didn’t shave?” Gerard asked.
Frank lifted his palm to his cheek, feeling the smoothness still. “I hardly ever have to.”
”But you're a man,” Gerard mused.
Frank countered, “So are you.”
”Yes," he smiled. “Yes.”
Frank was dizzy from the dream, the dancing, the distraction of Gerard’s bright smile against the black and red mask. “I need a drink,” he said, his mouth like cotton. “Can I get you one?” he asked.
“I don’t drink anymore,” Gerard shook his head.
“I know,” Frank nodded. “I was there then too. I didn’t mean…”
Gerard grinned, “I know. Neither did I.”
Adam smiled, “Do you mind if I steal him away?” He wrapped his arm around Gerard’s waist and pulled him back towards the dance floor. “You can hold his dance card.”
Gerard held the card with the little red tassel on it out to Frank as he took it. “You’ll hold it for me, right? Hold it in place for me?”
Frank nodded, “You know I will.”
“Do I?” he smiled, dancing away.
Frank looked down at the card as Mikey and Matt watched him. The card had lines for people to sign, for Gerard to hold a dance for them. He scanned down the lines and frowned at the names.
1.) Not you
2.) Not you
3.) Not you
4.) Not you
5.) Not you
Frank felt sick, the thirst for punch no longer appealing. He looked up from the card at the empty room. He looked around. Where had they all gone? How long had he been reading that card? He turned in circles and his second time around he found Mikey in the middle of the dance floor, among the fallen Paper Mache and dying balloons that were losing their luster. Mikey walked slowly toward Frank, his mask still in place, his steps deliberate and smooth.
“They left you behind,” he said sadly.
Frank looked back to the closed curtain. “Oh…I should go catch up.”
Mikey grinned, “You're always one step behind.”
He shook his head, looking back at the curtain, “Not this time. I'm ahead.” When he turned back, Mikey had changed into Gerard.
”You're a whole body,” Gerard smiled.
Frank shook his head again. “I'm nobody.”
”Then who do I belong to?” he asked sadly, but Frank did not answer. “Where were you?” Gerard asked.
“When?”
“Just then,” Gerard wondered.
Frank shook his head, the only thing he seemed to be able to do. “That wasn't me. I was never there.”
Gerard laughed, “You weren't there the first time either.” His smile disappeared and looked something like hopeful. “But somehow you still made it back again.”
Frank looked down, feeling his left wrist where he had never worn a watch. “What time is it?” He looked back up and the party was in full swing again.
Adam smiled, “It's a quarter past summer, Frank. But it's not too late. You can still be early. If you hurry.”
Gerard was gone, mingling in the dancing crowd as he caught glimpses of him between the other masks. “Which way do I go?”
Matt shook his head, “Backwards never got you far.”
Mikey whispered in a voice Frank should not have been able to hear. He whispered to Matt’s ear as they smiled, “He leans a little to the left.”
Gerard came up behind him suddenly, his hands on Frank’s hips as he placed his head on Frank’s shoulder, tucking his chin over him. “You’re standing...still?”
”No. I'm moving forward.”
”Is that what you call it?” Gerard smiled, slipping away again.
”Would you answer if I called?” Frank asked.
Gerard walked backwards into the crowd as it swallowed him slowly, moving in around him. “Now you're asking the right questions.” He did not say it out loud. But Frank heard it through his smile somehow.
Frank felt the flush of heat in his cheeks as he touched his forehead. “I'm sick and getting sicker.”
Mikey smiled, “You can't keep blaming the fever for getting you hot. Tell him why you really burn,” he grinned.
Dizzy. So dizzy. Frank snapped, “Stop putting words in my mouth.”
Adam asked, “What have you said that’s worth taking back?”
”Enough to fill a thousand Sundays.”
”Will it ever be enough?” Adam asked as he backed his way into the crowd, pulling Matt and Mikey away with him.
”No,” Frank said to no one. He watched the room dance, faceless friends in a circle he could not penetrate. They were moving so slowly and yet Frank could not move at all. And suddenly Gerard was behind him again. He felt him before he ever saw him. “Where did you come from?”
”Inside you,” Gerard smiled, moving around him in a circle as Frank turned with him to keep up. And they were dancing then though they did not touch.
Frank said painfully, ”There's nothing inside me but me but questions.”
”I've seen so much more,” he smiled.
”Show me,” Frank begged.
Gerard kept moving. “Look for yourself.”
Frank shook his head, “I'm scared.”
”I know,” he nodded.
”Where were you when I couldn't find you just now?”
”Hiding.” A simple shrug to prove he was still there.
”Where?” Frank asked, still trying to keep up as they moved, as always, in circles.
”Here," he said, holding his hand to Frank's heart. “There," he said, pulling Frank's hand to his own heart.
Frank’s eyes were filling with tears and he could not explain the fear he suddenly felt. “I couldn't find you.”
”Frank," Gerard smiled. “You're the one who made the room for me.”
Frank shook his head. “That’s not possible. There are too many questions. There's no room to spare.”
”Spare yourself and ask them then," Gerard smiled.
”Tell me what to say. Give me the words and I’ll use them.”
Gerard just grinned. “I'm in your head, Frank. I can only answer what you already know. Unless you prefer to lie to yourself.”
Frank felt like he was losing him even though Gerard was no longer moving. “I want the truth,” he begged.
Gerard frowned, “Then you'll have to come out and get it. You’d better wake up now. You're going to lose it if you keep up this way.”
”Lose what?” he begged with complete frustration.
”Your nerve. It's almost gone already.”
Frank was dizzier still. “Hold my hand?” he whimpered.
Gerard smiled, reaching for him as he backed away. “Your hand is my hand. Take it out of your pocket,” he smiled.
Frank looked down at his hands in his pockets, trying to pull them out but they would not come. Gerard shrugged, passing into the crowd again until he was gone. Frank closed his eyes, having missed his chance. Even in his dreams he could not hold him. He opened his eyes again and in the next blink he woke up to face the bed above him. He sighed and closed his eyes, wishing he had never woken, preferring the dizziness of the dream.
“It’s time to go, Frank,” Gerard whispered suddenly from beside him.
He jumped and turned on his side to face him. He could see Gerard’s face in the soft light of the bunks though it was still dark behind him. “Are you here?” he asked softly. “Are you really here?”
Gerard laughed, “You’re not awake yet, are you? You need to be though. We have a show to play.”
Frank could not tell if he was still dreaming or not. It all blended together like always and the crossovers were bleeding him dry. “It’s still night,” he shook his head.
“The next night,” Gerard smiled.
Frank asked, “I slept all day?”
He nodded, “And into tonight.” He brushed Frank’s hair, proving the reality of the moment to be what it was. “Can you play?”
“Any part you want me to,” Frank nodded, the remnants of the dream still encasing his consciousness.
Gerard just laughed, confused by Frank’s statement. “You’re going to have to play all your parts, Frankie. That’s what makes it a show.” He ruffled his hair and slipped out of the bunk. “Get ready. Warm up’s in an hour.”
Frank watched him go, breathing alone in his bunk again, finally sure it was not a dream anymore. This fever had a hold on him that would not falter. He wondered which would break first, the dream, or his will. Frank pulled himself out of his bunk and toward the front of the bus.
Mikey smiled and handed him his coffee. “There’s still time Frank,” he grinned. “To tell me your dream?” He cocked his head. “Or have you figured it out on your own?”
Frank closed his eyes, sipping the coffee, slowly coming back to life. “I get it now. I know what it means.”
Mikey smiled and slid into the booth, ready and willing to listen. “It’s good to see you finally awake, Frank. It’s good to see your eyes wide open,” he grinned.
So this is where we leave off for now. I’m off to have my birthday. Today is the 4th of July and I wish you all fireworks and dreams!! I’m going to write the prequel to ‘Murder, Inc.’ next. ‘Once Upon a Crime’ is ready to be written. My Muse is clawing at me and I’m ready to bleed for it. But so long as I keep dreaming, this story will keep going. I hope you keep waking for more. I’ll see you there…xoxo Harley
Twitter – HarleyQuinn77
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It’s so funny that you keep coming back. Haha This story is a cathartic one for me. It’s good to write about my dreams. Sometimes I don’t even understand them but once I’ve written them out, I realize how much sense they make. The cryptic conclusions are beautifully marked and I hope you can decode them as well. If not, I’ll explain in due time. We’re finally getting somewhere…xoxo Harley
Frank sat on top of the picnic table in the darkened corner of the lot, staring at the old grills by the trash cans. He smoked his cigarette thinking of all the times the bands had gotten together in different states, on other tours, and gathered around grills in the darkness. There was something manly about stacking the charcoal and lighting the briquettes, watching them burn into fiery coals. Frank was always on a separate grill by himself. Not many vegetarians on the road. Frank had a road all to himself a lot of the time. He would watch the others near him, closely removed. The smell of soy singing the air, wafting against the dead meat that cooked a few feet away. But that was Frank. Different. Removed. Not out of place but a little off center. He stared at the quiet grills now and bowed his head, feeling even more alone.
“Hungry?” Gerard asked, stepping up on the picnic table to sit on the top beside him, but facing the opposite direction.
Frank shook his head. “No.” The hunger he had was not one likely to be filled with food.
“Saw you eyeing the grill,” he smiled. “Thought maybe you were feeling better.”
“Fever,” Frank shrugged. “No appetite.” But that was a lie. And not even the first.
Gerard nudged him. A simple move, a gentle touch, and Frank knew what he wanted. No words between them, just a past of memories long enough to know what he was asking. Frank pulled a cigarette from his jacket pocket and passed it over to his hand in the darkness. He pulled his hoodie tighter, feeling the cold seeping in as though by giving it away, he had lost something too.
“Sometimes I wonder if you just wait for it,” Gerard said, shoulder to shoulder with Frank, still facing the opposite direction.
“For what?” he asked, blowing the smoke out into the night so he could see it against the moon like a cloud.
Gerard put his hand out and Frank held out his lighter. He smiled at Frank and took the cigarette right from his lips, holding it opposite in his own and lighting it from Frank’s. He pulled with hard lungs and his face lit up with cherry red glow until he exhaled, his face softening again. “The fever,” he said, holding the cigarette back up to Frank’s lips where he had taken it from. “Sometimes I think you wait for the fever to come…just so you can have a good dream.”
Frank stared into the trees beyond the picnic area. “They’re not all good,” he said shaking his head.
“Are they meaningful though?” Gerard asked.
He was not sure how to answer that. He was sure of nothing anymore. “Sometimes,” he said blankly.
Gerard nodded. “You never tell me about the bad ones.”
“No,” Frank said softly. “I don’t tell you half the good ones either though,” he said, grinning a smile that landed in the opposite direction of his intended mark since they were still shoulder to shoulder and facing away.
“Why not?” Gerard asked smoothly taking a drag.
Frank suddenly felt very tired. His shoulders slumped and he hunched on the table over his knees on the seat. “Sometimes there’s too much to tell to even remember. Sometimes I don’t understand them enough to explain.” Gerard nodded as though Frank had said something he understood. Frank wondered if he really did.
“Well if you ever need a hand…” he shrugged, getting up from the table, leaving with what he had come for. And then he was gone.
Frank sighed and headed back to the bus. He could hear the guys from Taking Back Sunday nearby outside their own bus, a quiet distance away. He could join them, surround himself with old friends who had known him long enough to not have any questions for him. But Frank would have rather been surrounded by dreams. He needed to be wrapped in sleep. His fever was rising and his energy was dropping and he poured himself into his bunk.
He lay there a few moments before closing his eyes, settling into position for the night. One arm draped above his head, resting on the pillow behind him. The other hung gently over his bare stomach that was exposed in case anyone wanted to see. He left the curtain open a bit; a crease so small it could not be a door but could maybe be a window if someone was looking. Was Gerard looking? Frank sighed. He would only be looking from above. Like a God. A God who did not interfere in the life of a mortal beneath him.
Frank whispered softly, knowing Gerard would not hear him. “Goodnight.”
“Keep your sparrows close, Frankie,” Gerard said softly.
Frank’s eyes shot back open as he stared up at the bunk that separated them. This was his chance to ask. The right questions. “Was that you last night? Or a dream?” he asked, his normal voice at a volume that could reach him.
“What do you think?” Gerard’s smile asked, drifting softly down without effort. His words gathered speed as they fell.
“I don’t know,” he answered.
Gerard was still smiling. “I know…but I’m not telling.”
Frank smiled up at him, willing it to reach him. “Yes. It was you.”
Gerard whispered, “It was you too, Frank.”
He fell asleep with a smile on his face and he hoped it would carry into his dreams. But as the restless nature of the dream took form, his smile grew farther away. Frank saw a light in the distance and though he was not walking towards it, it was pulling him closer as he drifted. The sure realization of a dream in progress, Frank was finally ready for anything the light might show him.
Two sides of a red velvet curtain pulled back to reveal a grand ballroom and a Masquerade in full swing. The men had tailored suits and pointed masks with unnatural features and poised expressions. The ladies wore gowns and removable masks that held to their sticks, raised to their eyes, the rest of their faces uncovered. Frank waded through the dancing couples, admiring the beauty of the scene. The music played loudly over the chatter although no one’s lips were moving.
A man Frank would know anywhere, even with his face masked, waltzed his way to the side. His inky black hair fell loosely around the mask with the sharp pointed nose and fiercely decorated eyes that encased the real face beneath it. He was dancing with a man and Frank looked closer to see it was Mikey. Even behind the mask he could see the tall slender man’s smile as he danced with his brother before Frank, one hand on Gerard’s shoulder, the other softly at his hip.
“What are you doing?” Frank asked curiously.
Gerard smiled, turning Mikey in the dance so he could see him. “Us? Oh we’ve been playing together forever.”
“Playing?” Frank asked.
Mikey turned his brother so he could see Frank again. “Our parts,” he nodded. They stopped dancing and faced him together, side by side, their masks in stunning similarity. “Have you come to play yours?”
Frank shook his head. “I don’t think I was invited.”
Gerard grinned. “However did you get here?”
“I don’t remember,” he said softly. Mikey and Gerard began to giggle, hiding behind their hands as they laughed at him; their faces hiding behind masks and hands and laughter. Frank looked down at his hoodie and jeans, his old faded Vans leaving black scuffs on the ballroom floor from the curtain he had come through to the place he now stood. “I don't have a costume,” he said, looking up and wishing he had a mask to hide his embarrassed face. The entire ballroom of dancers stopped as they all turned to look at Frank, their laughter in chorus, taking the place of the music.
Gerard cocked his head. “Sure you do,” he smiled. “Yours is the best one of all.”
Frank sputtered, “But I’m not…it’s not…”
“Riiiight,” another man smiled as he slid across the floor into view.
“Adam?” he asked, trying to see behind the mask. He had known his smile long enough though, that voice so liquid smooth.
Seeing Adam Lazzara and Gerard’s smiles side by side with unnatural evenness and delicate balance was unnerving. They were the most perfect smiles Frank had ever seen, even with their masks on they were beautiful. And together. Adam slipped his arm around Gerard’s waist, tugging him from Mikey with ease.
“Glad you finally made it,” Adam smiled to Frank.
Frank shook his head. “I…I didn’t know you were waiting.”
Matt Fazzi stepped up, joining Mikey’s side with a grin. “Always waiting,” he smirked. “Nice costume,” he nodded sincerely. “Better than any of ours.”
“It’s not…” Frank sighed, completely distracted.
Gerard leaned towards him, his eyes and smile peeking through the mask. “You'll be fine Frankie. They can't see you anyway.” The room returned to the dance and the masquerade ball continued. “Not like I do,” he grinned. Frank blushed and looked down at his fiddling hands. Gerard asked, “How long did it take you to get ready?”
He looked back up at him again, meeting his stare head on, facelessly facing him again. “A long time I think.”
“You didn’t shave?” Gerard asked.
Frank lifted his palm to his cheek, feeling the smoothness still. “I hardly ever have to.”
”But you're a man,” Gerard mused.
Frank countered, “So are you.”
”Yes," he smiled. “Yes.”
Frank was dizzy from the dream, the dancing, the distraction of Gerard’s bright smile against the black and red mask. “I need a drink,” he said, his mouth like cotton. “Can I get you one?” he asked.
“I don’t drink anymore,” Gerard shook his head.
“I know,” Frank nodded. “I was there then too. I didn’t mean…”
Gerard grinned, “I know. Neither did I.”
Adam smiled, “Do you mind if I steal him away?” He wrapped his arm around Gerard’s waist and pulled him back towards the dance floor. “You can hold his dance card.”
Gerard held the card with the little red tassel on it out to Frank as he took it. “You’ll hold it for me, right? Hold it in place for me?”
Frank nodded, “You know I will.”
“Do I?” he smiled, dancing away.
Frank looked down at the card as Mikey and Matt watched him. The card had lines for people to sign, for Gerard to hold a dance for them. He scanned down the lines and frowned at the names.
1.) Not you
2.) Not you
3.) Not you
4.) Not you
5.) Not you
Frank felt sick, the thirst for punch no longer appealing. He looked up from the card at the empty room. He looked around. Where had they all gone? How long had he been reading that card? He turned in circles and his second time around he found Mikey in the middle of the dance floor, among the fallen Paper Mache and dying balloons that were losing their luster. Mikey walked slowly toward Frank, his mask still in place, his steps deliberate and smooth.
“They left you behind,” he said sadly.
Frank looked back to the closed curtain. “Oh…I should go catch up.”
Mikey grinned, “You're always one step behind.”
He shook his head, looking back at the curtain, “Not this time. I'm ahead.” When he turned back, Mikey had changed into Gerard.
”You're a whole body,” Gerard smiled.
Frank shook his head again. “I'm nobody.”
”Then who do I belong to?” he asked sadly, but Frank did not answer. “Where were you?” Gerard asked.
“When?”
“Just then,” Gerard wondered.
Frank shook his head, the only thing he seemed to be able to do. “That wasn't me. I was never there.”
Gerard laughed, “You weren't there the first time either.” His smile disappeared and looked something like hopeful. “But somehow you still made it back again.”
Frank looked down, feeling his left wrist where he had never worn a watch. “What time is it?” He looked back up and the party was in full swing again.
Adam smiled, “It's a quarter past summer, Frank. But it's not too late. You can still be early. If you hurry.”
Gerard was gone, mingling in the dancing crowd as he caught glimpses of him between the other masks. “Which way do I go?”
Matt shook his head, “Backwards never got you far.”
Mikey whispered in a voice Frank should not have been able to hear. He whispered to Matt’s ear as they smiled, “He leans a little to the left.”
Gerard came up behind him suddenly, his hands on Frank’s hips as he placed his head on Frank’s shoulder, tucking his chin over him. “You’re standing...still?”
”No. I'm moving forward.”
”Is that what you call it?” Gerard smiled, slipping away again.
”Would you answer if I called?” Frank asked.
Gerard walked backwards into the crowd as it swallowed him slowly, moving in around him. “Now you're asking the right questions.” He did not say it out loud. But Frank heard it through his smile somehow.
Frank felt the flush of heat in his cheeks as he touched his forehead. “I'm sick and getting sicker.”
Mikey smiled, “You can't keep blaming the fever for getting you hot. Tell him why you really burn,” he grinned.
Dizzy. So dizzy. Frank snapped, “Stop putting words in my mouth.”
Adam asked, “What have you said that’s worth taking back?”
”Enough to fill a thousand Sundays.”
”Will it ever be enough?” Adam asked as he backed his way into the crowd, pulling Matt and Mikey away with him.
”No,” Frank said to no one. He watched the room dance, faceless friends in a circle he could not penetrate. They were moving so slowly and yet Frank could not move at all. And suddenly Gerard was behind him again. He felt him before he ever saw him. “Where did you come from?”
”Inside you,” Gerard smiled, moving around him in a circle as Frank turned with him to keep up. And they were dancing then though they did not touch.
Frank said painfully, ”There's nothing inside me but me but questions.”
”I've seen so much more,” he smiled.
”Show me,” Frank begged.
Gerard kept moving. “Look for yourself.”
Frank shook his head, “I'm scared.”
”I know,” he nodded.
”Where were you when I couldn't find you just now?”
”Hiding.” A simple shrug to prove he was still there.
”Where?” Frank asked, still trying to keep up as they moved, as always, in circles.
”Here," he said, holding his hand to Frank's heart. “There," he said, pulling Frank's hand to his own heart.
Frank’s eyes were filling with tears and he could not explain the fear he suddenly felt. “I couldn't find you.”
”Frank," Gerard smiled. “You're the one who made the room for me.”
Frank shook his head. “That’s not possible. There are too many questions. There's no room to spare.”
”Spare yourself and ask them then," Gerard smiled.
”Tell me what to say. Give me the words and I’ll use them.”
Gerard just grinned. “I'm in your head, Frank. I can only answer what you already know. Unless you prefer to lie to yourself.”
Frank felt like he was losing him even though Gerard was no longer moving. “I want the truth,” he begged.
Gerard frowned, “Then you'll have to come out and get it. You’d better wake up now. You're going to lose it if you keep up this way.”
”Lose what?” he begged with complete frustration.
”Your nerve. It's almost gone already.”
Frank was dizzier still. “Hold my hand?” he whimpered.
Gerard smiled, reaching for him as he backed away. “Your hand is my hand. Take it out of your pocket,” he smiled.
Frank looked down at his hands in his pockets, trying to pull them out but they would not come. Gerard shrugged, passing into the crowd again until he was gone. Frank closed his eyes, having missed his chance. Even in his dreams he could not hold him. He opened his eyes again and in the next blink he woke up to face the bed above him. He sighed and closed his eyes, wishing he had never woken, preferring the dizziness of the dream.
“It’s time to go, Frank,” Gerard whispered suddenly from beside him.
He jumped and turned on his side to face him. He could see Gerard’s face in the soft light of the bunks though it was still dark behind him. “Are you here?” he asked softly. “Are you really here?”
Gerard laughed, “You’re not awake yet, are you? You need to be though. We have a show to play.”
Frank could not tell if he was still dreaming or not. It all blended together like always and the crossovers were bleeding him dry. “It’s still night,” he shook his head.
“The next night,” Gerard smiled.
Frank asked, “I slept all day?”
He nodded, “And into tonight.” He brushed Frank’s hair, proving the reality of the moment to be what it was. “Can you play?”
“Any part you want me to,” Frank nodded, the remnants of the dream still encasing his consciousness.
Gerard just laughed, confused by Frank’s statement. “You’re going to have to play all your parts, Frankie. That’s what makes it a show.” He ruffled his hair and slipped out of the bunk. “Get ready. Warm up’s in an hour.”
Frank watched him go, breathing alone in his bunk again, finally sure it was not a dream anymore. This fever had a hold on him that would not falter. He wondered which would break first, the dream, or his will. Frank pulled himself out of his bunk and toward the front of the bus.
Mikey smiled and handed him his coffee. “There’s still time Frank,” he grinned. “To tell me your dream?” He cocked his head. “Or have you figured it out on your own?”
Frank closed his eyes, sipping the coffee, slowly coming back to life. “I get it now. I know what it means.”
Mikey smiled and slid into the booth, ready and willing to listen. “It’s good to see you finally awake, Frank. It’s good to see your eyes wide open,” he grinned.
So this is where we leave off for now. I’m off to have my birthday. Today is the 4th of July and I wish you all fireworks and dreams!! I’m going to write the prequel to ‘Murder, Inc.’ next. ‘Once Upon a Crime’ is ready to be written. My Muse is clawing at me and I’m ready to bleed for it. But so long as I keep dreaming, this story will keep going. I hope you keep waking for more. I’ll see you there…xoxo Harley
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