Categories > Original > Drama0 Reviews
Addy, a boy-to-girl transgender teenager goes on her first public outing with her older brother. Part of my Feel That Fire series.
Author: Allison Wonderland
Summary: Addy’s first public outing.
Warning(s): Language, transgender issues, mild incest
Word Count: 2,047
Note(s): Takes place May 18, 2006. Addison/Addy is thirteen. Kyle is seventeen.
“Transgender is an umbrella term.” Reading aloud helped Kyle better comprehend the words on the computer screen. He was not like his brother who could read anything once and have the knowledge forever. “It is used to describe anyone who looks or acts outside the bounds of traditional gender nnorms. Transgender, for example, can be the femmy boy (gay or straight) who likes to wear makeup and sometimes even skirts.” Okay, so a week ago, hell, even yesterday, Kyle would have punched anyone who said Addison was any of that shit. Today he knew better. His brother had always looked sort of delicate but the makeup and skirts thing was new. And a little unnerving because his baby brother made a hell of a sexy girl. Kyle read on. “Transgender can be the genetically female girl who goes by the name BJ and binds her breasts into a flattened mass beneath her T-shirt.” Okay, definitely not Addison there. His brother actually wanted to be a girl. Or was a girl but not physically. Or whatever. “And transgender can be the person who looks singularly male or female on the outside but internally feels like an amalgam of both, a person who falters in front of public restroom doors, momentarily not sure which to choose.” He had no idea about the sort of bathroom habits Addison might or might not have except for the fact that he was thirteen and still wet the bed but the rest of that sounded similar to his brother’s situation. At thirteen Addison was only five feet tall and had always been kind of skinny. But dressed in his normal clothes no one would ever mistake him for a girl, just a slightly geeky eighth grade boy with arms and legs that were too long and skinny and a face that was too pretty. But Kyle was sure he had heard something in between the sobs and the ‘don’t hate me, Kyle, please don’t’ – about wanting to be a girl or feeling like a girl or something like that. Maybe this website was on to something. He continued reading. “Transsexual-“
There! That was it, there was the word they always used on Jerry Springer when they had those men on who wanted to be women. “Transsexual is more specific though it is a primary category under the umbrella. A transsexual is someone who feels entirely like the opposite sex. This person doesn’t have to do anything about this feeling, she just has to feel it. Sooner or later, though, most transsexuals will start to transition. This can mean dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex, taking hormones, having surgeries, or any combination therein.”
Poor kid, Kyle thought. He could not imagine his baby brother having to go through all that. And if anyone at school found out Addison was dead because next week was the end of Kyle’s senior year and after that he would not be there to protect his brother. Kyle doubted Addison could hold his own against anyone who might want to beat up ‘the freak’. Damn. Momma and her husband with their southern Baptist anything that makes you feel good is a sin mentality were going to freak if they found out about their youngest son’s little…problem
But they would never find out. At least not from Kyle.
“Addison.” Kyle knocked gently on his brother’s bedroom door. Normally he would have pounded but there was no reason to scare his brother any worse. “We need to talk about this girl thing you got goin’ on. Can I come in?”
But that was hardly surprising. He was probably still traumatized by Kyle walking in on him in full drag earlier. “Addison,” he tried again. When he still did not respond Kyle took his brother’s silence for permission to enter.
Addison lay curled up on his bed with his back to the door. He was still dressed in the same pale pink skirt and white peasant blouse printed with pale pink roses he had been wearing earlier but his white patent leather Mary Janes lay discarded on the floor. Kyle knew his brother knew he was there; the younger boy’s back tensed as he approached. “I ain’t gonna hurt ya, Addison. I ain’t even – “ here he stopped, deciding honesty was probably best. “Okay, I am a little freaked out but hell, Addison. I’ll get over it. You’re still my baby brother. Or sister if that’s what ya want.” Talking to Addison’s back was not working out and his brother was showing no sign of looking at him any time soon so Kyle walked around the bed and knelt down so they were face to face.
He should have expected what he found. Addison had always been a thumbsucker. Their momma thought she had broken him of it when he was four years old by putting hot sauce on his thumb but that was only because – in the ten or eleven years since – she had never witnessed it. Kyle had. Frequently. It was one of the many secrets the two shared and normally only happened at night or when Kyle was upset.
It was only three o’clock in the afternoon so that pretty much ruled out that at night thing.
“Hey,” Kyle said, trying to ignore the little voice in his head telling him how hot his brother’s sparkly pink lips were wrapped around his thumb and how much Kyle would like those same lips wrapped around a certain part of his own anatomy. “About this transsexual thing,” he began.
“What’s that?” Addison asked. Or at least that was what Kyle thought he asked. The words were barely a whisper and hard to understand around his thumb in his mouth. Her mouth? Whatever.
“You mean you never looked it up online or nothin’? You bein’ so smart and all I thought that’d be the first thing you’d do.”
Addison sniffled and shook his head.
The poor kid looked miserable so Kyle decided to just tell him. “A transsexual,” he said,” is someone-“ Okay, so he had not bothered to remember the exact definition because he had counted on Addison knowing what he was and not needing it explained. “All right, physically you’re a boy, yeah?” Kyle had seen his brother naked enough times to know that was true.
Addison nodded. “So?” The word was muffled around his thumb.
Kyle dislodged his brother’s thumb from his mouth but did not relinquish his hand. He tried to tell himself it was to keep Addison from sucking his thumb again and not for any other reason. “But ya said ya feel like a girl. And that’s what a transsexual is.” He was not going into the part about surgery.
“That’s me,” Addison murmured almost to himself. “I’m a transsexual and there’s other people like me.” Kyle thought he sounded relieved. “And you don’t mind?” he asked his brother. “I know it’s weird but you don’t think I’m a freak or anything?” Kyle’s opinion mattered to Addison more than anyone else’s did. His brother was the person he had always been closest to and he was not sure what he would do if Kyle thought badly of him.
“I always thought ya were a freaky little thing from the first time I ever saw ya. All pink and wrinkled. And that noise!” Kyle thought he saw the smallest hint of a smile cross his brother’s face so he continued. “And look how much trouble ya are. I told mom and dad I’d rather have a puppy.” That brought a genuine giggle from Addison and for a moment Kyle could see another of those annoying little freshman girls who stalked him through the halls at school. Thank God she was really just his brother and not quite in high school yet.
“Thank you. I mean for not…you know.” And then the hot little jailbait girl who was really Kyle’s bratty little brother threw her arms around his neck and hugged him.
“I know,” he agreed. Then he remembered something else. “Hey, I got paid today. You know what that means.”
“Ice cream? We’ll still go?” Every time Kyle got paid from his auto repair job down at Dixie’s garage he took his brother out for ice cream, a tradition for the past two years.
“Why not? You can even go like that.”
“But someone might see.” Addison looked panicked as he unwound his arms from around Kyle’s neck but intrigued as well.
“Ain’t the whole point of you dressed that way so people can see you ain’t really a boy?”
“No.” Then Addison reconsidered. “Yes. Maybe. I don’t know. I mean…Kinda, I guess.” He wanted everyone he met to see him as a girl but the last thing he wanted was to be recognized. “What if someone recognizes me?”
“I don’t think you gotta worry about that. When I first saw ya in those clothes I wondered how my baby brother scored a girl that hot.” Kyle did not stop to consider how he really should not have thought his brother in a skirt to be quite so hot or how, even though he did, admitting it was probably not the best course of action to take.
That annoying freshman girl giggle popped out again but when it came from Addison somehow Kyle found it not quite so annoying. “Really?” he asked.
“Really,” Kyle confirmed.
“And,” Addison said hopefully, “you don’t mind being seen with me like this?”
“All anybody’s gonna see’s a hot chick. How’s that gonna hurt me?” It was not unusual for Kyle to be seen out with a different girl every weekend. “Now where do ya wanna go?” he asked without waiting for an answer to his first question.
Addison chose the Meyersville mall – one of Kyle’s least favorite places – about fifteen minutes from the neighborhood where they lived. On Friday night with all the mothers and fathers with brand new paychecks and teenagers looking forward to the weekend it took almost twice as long.
“There’s too many people,” Addison observed when Kyle finally found a parking space at the opposite end of the mall from the food court entrance. “I don’t think I can do this.”
“Just relax. You’ll do fine. Hey,” Kyle said, having thought of something else, “with this many people around it’s not like anyone is going to give you a second look anyway.”
“I guess.” He sounded unsure.
Kyle suddenly found himself with his arms full of his brother.
In a dress.
Which was weird.
But not entirely surprising. Addison had always been a clingy kid, snuggling up on the couch when they watched television, cuddling close anytime they did something together, even going so far as to climb into bed with Kyle when he had had a nightmare or his own bed was too wet to sleep in. Kyle put up with a lot of things from his brother that he would happily have beaten anyone else senseless for. He supposed this whole transsexual thing was just another example of that. “Hey, Addy, it’s all right” he said, the more feminine abbreviation of his brother’s name slipping out unexpectedly.
Kyle shrugged. “I dunno. I can’t call you Addison when you look like that.”
“Addy,” she…he…no definitely she repeated and smiled. “Having a name makes me feel like a real girl.”
It was true. Kyle watched her go from his brother in a skirt and blouse to Addy in a fraction of a second. It was something in her confidence, as if giving that part of herself a name really did make all the difference.
“I’m Addy,” she said smiling. “And I think I’m ready to go in now.”
And Kyle knew without a doubt that he was doomed. If all those little jailbait freshman girls who stalked him through the halls at school were half as cute as his Addy…
God damn it.
Suddenly disassociating Addy from his little brother by giving her a name seemed like the worst mistake he had ever made.