And God said to Adam, "Now I'll never get that smell out of there!"
"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"
A/N at the end, and apologies in advance.
Ch 5 Tastes like Chicken
Melvin really was getting tired of that bearded old bastard. Bad enough he lets those bastards come sailing in with their stupid boat. Nasty thing left an oil slick all the way back to the ocean. Hadn't they ever heard of emission tests? It took a month for the water to clear up and his sinuses to stop bothering him. Then he has to deal with the stupid dragons crapping in the lake. May be a great fertilizer for the humans, but for the mer's it just made the water taste like ass.
Now Beardy McBastard comes along and tells him that the second task will take place in his lake. Great. He's going to have a bunch of kids pissing in the lake to warm themselves up, and Poseidon only knows what kind of diseases those kids from Bulgaria will have. Have to make sure everyone is up on their shots. Then he finds out that two of them will be Veela?
'Fuck me with a rusty trident!' thought Melvin.
If the wife finds out about this, he will be sleeping with the Giant Squid for company. Is it his fault the last time they went on vacation she wanted to go to France? "Oh, let's visit that nice little nude beach!" she says. For Poseidon's sake! It's not his fault he got a little distracted! A whole bloody flock of Veela all bouncing around in the water! It was like chum in the water. He gets caught fooling around with one of the damn girls and he never hears the end of it! Honestly, what is a cold blooded fellow supposed to do? Every merman out there has a taste for Veela! And now he is going to have two of them in his own lake. How the hell was he going to cover this up? He had to get some more information. Maybe that one weepy ghost will show up soon, he could get some more info out of her. Well, if he didn't stick his head out of the water and try and asphyxiate himself in the open air at the sound of her whiny voice at any rate. She could just prattle on and on about how miserable she was. Oh well. Nothing for it but to take one for the rest of the boys. Part of being King and all.
Well, after a few hours of whining, he had finally managed to get what he needed out of the ghost. It turns out, only one of the Veela was of age. All he had to do now was have the grindylows keep the mature one away from the village, and the other one should pass as a normal monkeyface. Now, if he can just figure out a way to keep the underage one around until she hit maturity...Maybe he could stick her in that underwater cave he kept his scale mags in? Poseidon knows his dried up old wife wasn't doing it for him anymore. Excellent! She was only a few weeks away from having the Veela kick in and fully mature her. She would be prime Veela from what the ghost said about her sister. And even better, she was still untouched! Oh to have an in heat Veela to fool around with. He could tell her he saved her from the giant Squid or something and she would be gullible enough to bond with him! He could get rid of the old dogfish of a wife! Just the thought put coral in the old reef!
One of his flunkies came and told him that the task was underway and that the Veela was already out of the running. Melvin hurried to the village to watch the rest of the event. The funny clownfish look alike with the red hair had been freed by the monkey using gillyweed, smart one there! The idiot who only partially managed to turn into a shark had freed the bushy headed girl, and the bubble boy had freed the other girl. What the hell was that boy doing!?
He was just sitting there looking around! Shoo! Shoo! Get out of here! Melvin sent some of the boys to chase off the boy, but he was being stubborn! What the hell did he think he was doing? Was he too stupid to swim to the surface? The gillyweed would run out soon, and he would drown down here! That was the last thing he needed! Waaaaaay too much paperwork, and the meddling old bastard would be nosing even more into his affairs. He could play off the girl getting eaten by something, but if all three died he would be in trouble.
Damnation! The boy was trying to save the Veela hatchling! She was his!
Melvin quickly sent his people after the boy, telling them to only let him take the clownfaced monkey and that he could not take both. Goodness, but the boy was determined! His gillyweed had already worn out and he was still a good twenty conchs from the surface.
Damn! Damn! Damn! He got both the other monkey and the Veela to the surface!
Melvin really didn't want to deal with the paperwork, and so he had his guards nudge the boy close enough to the surface to be saved. Boy had balls of a sperm whale, hoped everything worked out for him. He would definitely enjoy the bond that the Veela put on him in a few years!
"M-e-e-e-lllllllllVIN!!!!!" came the unholy cry.
"Uh, Yes Dear?" said Melvin, as his scales tightened.
"Do you mind explaining to me what the HELL you were doing with a Veela in our village?!" asked Mary, Melvin's wife.
"Blame the old bastard! I didn't have a choice, and I didn't even find out it was a Veela until they stuck her in the water!" whined Melvin.
"Uh-huh, pull the other fin, it plays chopsticks! I know about your little fetish Melvin, Mother always warned me that there was something wrong with you. I was so embarassed when we went on vacation in France, you promised me you would behave and..." droned on Mary.
'Somebody kill me please! Is it my fault Veela's taste like chicken? MMMMMMM tasty juicy Chicken!' thought Melvin, as he tried to asphyxiate the voice of his shrew of a wife out.
A/N Blame this on the following old joke. Yes, I know it's horrible and sexist.
But it is funny too. :)
The scene is the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve have just finished making love. God looks down, sees Adam, and asks, "Where's Eve?" Adam replies, "She's down at the creek, washing up." God smacks himself in the forehead, and exclaims "Great, now how am I ever going to get the smell off those poor fish!"
I just got the idea, if the Veela are part birds.....