Frerard. Freshman year. ONE-SHOT alert. Big ass apology/author's note alert.
“Frankie, I’m scared.” I mumbled softly as we stared at the ceiling in his bedroom.
He turned his head sideways, eyebrows coming together under a chunk of violently red and black striped hair.
“Why Gee?” He asked me, looking confused.
“Because we don’t have any classes together this year and you’re gonna make new friends.”
He snorted. “I’m the only stupid little emo kid on my team for school. I don’t think I’ll make any new friends.”
“You haven’t even met all the kids on your team. There could be other emo kids or even normal kids, and you’ll like them better than me because they don’t bite their nails, or repeat the same stories over and over and talk to loud all the time and get in trouble a lot or wear girl’s pants because they make them look skinnier and they won’t do all the other annoying shit that I do and then I'll be all a-fucking-lone!” I took a huge gasp of air at the end of my sentence as I watched Frank’s face change from confused to slightly upset.
“I LIKE all the annoying shit you do, Gee. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t do that stuff. Besides, it’s fun smacking your hand away from your mouth all the time. “ He said, right on cue as he slapped the back of my hand from its’ position as I began to bite at the tips of my already short fingernails.
“But still! What if you like them better and you forget about me? Then my whole life will be fucked because you’re included in practically all of my life’s plans!”
“Somebody’s depressed,” Frank muttered under his breath before he answered me. “Gee I’m not gonna forget about you. Why the fuck would you think that?”
“Because!” I said angrily, beginning to get agitated. “When we have classes together it’s like you have to be with me and think about me and stuff because we’re best friends and everything. Once we’re not in the same class we won’t see each other so you won’t have to think about me anymore!”
Frank sighed. “Ok.”
I gaped. “OK? OKAY?! That’s all you can say is just ok!?” I propped myself up on my elbows.
Frank groaned. “Yes, that’s all I can say. Because Gee, you know I love you, but we both know you can be a fucking drama queen.” He sat up. “You’re over-reacting. Chill.”
“I AM NOT OVER REACTING! This year is gonna suck and I’m gonna lose my best friend and the worst part is it doesn’t seem like you even care!” I shouted, tears filling up my eyes as I said the part I’d been afraid of all along.
Frank stared at me blankly. “I do care. I was scared too, but at the time it didn’t seem like you cared so I got over it. You’ll get over it too.”
“I don’t wanna get over it!” I said, trying very, very hard not to cry.
“FINE, GERARD!” Frank shouted, so loudly I cringed. “Sit here and bitch about it all you want and don’t listen to a single word I say! I already told you I’m not gonna forget about you and you’re still moaning and whining. Get the fuck over yourself already!”
My lip trembled as I stared at Frank, tears gushing out of my eyes. My Frankie had yelled at me. Actually yelled at me. We’d never ever gotten into a fight, ever. And now, when I told him I was afraid to lose him he told me to get the fuck over myself. Whatever I expected him to say, it wasn’t that.
I felt my face flushing as I buried my head in my hands. This was embarrassing enough, and now I was crying. I drew my knees up to my chest, my shield from Frank as I barred myself off from him.
An awkward silence filled the room, the only other sound being my soft sobbing, and Frank shifting his weight from foot to foot.
“Gerard?” Frank said hesitantly after a couple of minutes. I ignored him as I tried to slow the amount of tears slipping down my face. They had stopped by the time he tried again.
“Gee?” He said quietly, using my nickname this time.
“What?” I said, sitting up straight and wiping the remaining tears off my face as I looked at the abashed expression he was wearing.
“What, Frank? Are you gonna tell me to get over myself again? Because I’m sorry alright? I’m sorry that I can’t just get over the fact that I’m terrified I’m gonna lose you forever. I’m sorry I can’t be all blasé when bad stuff happens like you can.”
Frank stared at me, and I could see the hurt shining in his eyes. I swallowed, wishing I could bite back everything I’d said. I never should have said anything at all. Because now I’d hurt Frank.
“Dammit.” I whispered, wiping my eyes again.
Frank continued to stare, his mouth opening and closing. Words started to bubble to my mouth, but I bit them back. The lyrics to one of my favorite songs popped into my mind- hold your breath because you’ll only make things worse.
“I’m sorry Frank.” I whispered. “I’m sorry.” He blinked at me.
“I’m sorry Gee.” He replied quietly, taking a shaky step forward. He watched me expectantly, as if he thought I was going to stop him. When I didn’t, he took another hesitant step, and then another, until he sat down next to me, leaving more space than usual.
“I just don’t want to lose you,” I told him as I played with the end of his comforter, staring at my hand. “I can’t lose you. I can’t.” I corrected myself after a moment.
It was quiet again.
“You’re not gonna lose me, Gee.” Frank said, shifting his weight a little bit on the bed.
“How do I KNOW though?” I asked him, finally tearing my eyes away from my fingers.
“How can you not? How can you not trust me by now?” He asked me, and the hurt leaked from his voice into my heart.
“Fear will do that to you.” I whispered, more to myself. I realized I’d been staring at my hands again, and I forced myself to look at him when I spoke. “Remember the time we said we’d jump off a cliff for each other?” He nodded. “I’m afraid that I’m gonna jump and there’ll be nobody to stop me. Or even worse, no one to jump after me.” My voice was trembling. “And worst of all, I’m afraid that in a few years, you wouldn’t even notice I was gone.”
“Gee, that is NOT going to happen.”
“But how do I know?”
“Because I need you too.”
This author's note has nothing to do with any of you, except for one person that knows who they are. If that's not you, it is absolutely unnecessary for you to read this. To continue- Darlin, I'm fucking sorry. I know that only the first half of this was real, and you didn't flip out on me at all. But I am scared that you might be sorta mad at me, because I kinda felt like I was getting that vibe. But I think if I had kept going you might've gotten really mad. And then we'd be pissed at each other because we're both usually too fucking proud and stubborn to say sorry. I didn't want that to happen, but I wanted you to know what I was trying to say, and how I felt. I know I'm a fucking drama queen, and I might've been over reacting, but you know how I am. I'm unstable as shit, and no matter how godamn close I get to somebody I'm always afraid they're going to replace me. It doesn't mean I don't love you or trust you. I'm just scared and that's one problem I have never been able to get rid of. And I get scared when you go all blase on me that you really [don'tcare about it and that I'm gonna wind up all alone. I'm a whiny, dramatic, insecure, proud, obnoxious, annoying bitch and I'm sorry. I'm just scared. ]